High School and ADHD

I am certain one of my close friends from high school days will read this blog. She continually supports our efforts and outreach to persons with ADHD. As a mother, she knows the challenges of raising a child with ADHD.

As a former teen, she also knows the challenges associated with the teen years. We’ve talked about those challenges that still haunt us after 40-plus years.

She will remember our vocal music teacher whom, in spite of her strictness and spinster ways, we loved to please.  She will also remember the red chiffon dresses with gathered skirts we wore for Southern Belles or the blue pleated dresses we wore for our madrigal ensemble. Both outfits looked really good on her tall, slim figure, but at the time, they were slightly out-of style; they made us self-conscious to wear them.

Whew! At times I still have nightmares that I am in high school classes where I am telling former teachers “But I have earned a Ph.D. I don’t need to be taking this test.”

Ridiculous, huh?  Maybe so, but thoughts of high school still disturbs adults, especially those with ADHD whether they graduated as recently as two or three years ago or as long as 40 years ago.

Hubby audibly groans when we talk about our high school experiences. Many of his memories are not pleasant as they involve his reactions and behaviors in high school situations.

He’s often told me about his favorite black cardigan sweater. He looked nice wearing it, he felt, and it offered a way for him to hide things about his body that he didn’t like. But wearing it every day from September through May was not so cool. “I overheard another student make a comment about me wearing it every day, and I was embarrassed and hurt. I didn’t realize it was a negative thing to do.”

Even more, he told me about his feelings of certain social isolation. You may think all teens experience a degree of being shelved socially, but it is even more of a problem for the teen with ADHD. Impulsive outbursts, moodiness, constantly failing to follow through, disorganization of time and space, being too loud will all call negative attention to the teen with ADHD, or will cause others not to want to be friends with him or her.

Subtle social information will pass by the teen with ADHD whose mind will be focused in several directions.  Truly teens require countless social skills such as talking, listening, sharing, being empathetic, that do not come naturally to the teen with ADD. 

“The hurtful memories involve knowing other kids were laughing behind my back or talking bad about me,” Hubby once said.

One young adult with ADHD told me, “I wanted to hang with friends younger than I am.” His experience is common for teens with ADHD. Social pressures and the expectations for mature growth overwhelm many teens with ADHD. As well, taking ADHD medications bothers teens. Another young man said, “I hated the meds because I was afraid people would find out about them and think I was a meth-head.”

Likely they would have wanted you to sell them a few of your pills, I said with my characteristic sarcasm. “Of course you would have gotten into legal trouble because you would have been accused of pushing drugs.”

Teens with ADHD miss important social cues or misinterpretation of others’ comments, and by doing have difficulty swimming through the unfamiliar waters of dating and romantic relationships.

Even in college, Hubby didn’t know how to evaluate the growth in our relationship, and it caused him confusion. Instead of stating those feelings directly to me, he said, “I feel like you are backing me up against a wall.”

I got tired of that comment real quickly.

While I gratefully acknowledge the awkward teen years are far behind us, I realize the fears and anxieties of those days will never be far away from us. They have taken a new shape in Hubby’s life as different co-existing mental health issues. I may remember the horror of musical ensemble outfits, but he remembers far greater anxiety and distress.

If you wish to discuss views on being a teen with ADHD, please contact us at McNay & Voth www,coachadhd.com or 316-655-9807, or feel free to make an appointment to visit our office at 240 N. Rock Road, Wichita, KS 27206,

 

Dr Atha McNay

McNay & Voth ADHD Services

 

 

Independence Day

As we celebrate the birth and growth of our nation, I am prone to measure it up to the birth and growth of my own children. Like our nation, they have achieved success through struggles, wise choices, and not-so-wise choices.

I especially think of my youngest daughter, who is a person with ADHD. As did her Dad, she struggled with the challenges of accepting herself and her behaviors from the time she was a small child, and it was quite difficult for her during her teens and early adult years. In fact, it still can be difficult for her now as she continually checks impulsive comments or her filter for temper control.

She required a cheerleader at home, a role I was always willing to fill. Building her self-esteem was essential to her development in spite of the ADHD. I protected her best interests in school and at church and even among family. Her grandmother did the same because she understood my daughter. Grandmother saw many similar patterns between herself and my daughter, and she and I often shared phone calls and laughter about Baby Sis’ latest adventures.

One Thursday morning, Mother phoned to say, “What does Baby Sis do Wednesday evenings? Isn’t she a part of Girls Auxiliary at church?”

Immediately my radar beeped. “Yes, And why are you asking?”

“Do you know she phones me from church each Wednesday at about 7:30? She just wants to talk about her day at school.”

In my mind’s eye, I saw the hall phone at the church and how a ccessible it would be for my daughter.

Mother and I laughed because we knew that by 7:30, my daughter would be fidgety and bored.  A trip to the bathroom and then the phone would alleviate the boredom, but that didn’t excuse the fact I needed to talk to her about it without her knowing that Grandmother told me.

The effort involved boosting her self-confidence while directing her behavior. She needed to hear that I loved and supported her and believed she could do the right thing. She faced enough difficulties and criticism on a daily basis that she did not need to feel Grandmother and I teamed against her. Love on the home front was the solace she craved.

I often set aside special time with my daughter such snack time after school, or an impromptu lunch outing during the school day. While I ate, she talked and talked about whatever was on her mind. It was positive attention, and it worked magic on her self-esteem. Whenever I saw opportunity, I praised her for all types of things many of which revolved around her humor and creativity. Praise builds confidence, but it must be genuine.  Often I identified one of her many strengths and talked with her about it: her ability to draw pictures and write short stories about them, her musical talents, the way she caused me to laugh heartily throughout her life, or her sincere kindness to others.

I also built her confidence with fairly administered discipline. It did not punish, but it taught and allowed her to learn from consequences and to connect the links to appropriate behavior. You likely know the phrase for it; it’s call tough love.

Today she is an independent adult and wife. Like our nation, she experienced the pangs associated with growth, and I am proud of her as well as her two siblings. She recognizes the value of her personal freedom, and she acts accordingly as she strives for continued growth and improvement. Not-so-like our nation, she acknowledges her dependence on God both in the past and for the future.

At McNay & Voth, we desire to help other parents as they raise children with ADHD. We want to help the teen or young adult who struggles with the challenges of ADHD. We yearn to support adults who have late diagnosis of ADHD.

Please contact us at 316-655-9807 or www.coachADHD.com and allow us to rally round you.

 

 

Mean Girls and a Daughter with ADHD

Of course when I sent my youngest child to preschool, I was convinced that her skills and creativity would shine above all the other kids, and everyone would immediately recognize her intellect and unique value.

So I was dumbfounded and astounded when she came home from her first sessions complaining of how other kids, especially the girls, made fun of her.

“Mommy, they say ‘you are weird’ to me. They tell me I have thin hair.”

Oh, indeed? I knew which child that would be. I had a similar conversation with her mother.

“Your little girl is the one with thin hair,” she said smugly in reference to my daughter’s baby-fine hair.

In my not-too-Christian mindset, I replied, “Yes, she has short blonde hair and large violet eyes. And your child? Is she the one with carrot red hair? I think that is the one because she has the same bull-dog jaw line as your husband. That is her father, right?”

She looked as if I had slapped her, which in essence I had done with my words. I intended for them to sting.

But to my child, I merely, said, “Honey, she does not know words as well as you do. It is hard for her to describe what she sees. When she says mean words, just feel sorry for her because she isn’t smart as you are.”

The taunts continued throughout elementary school. My daughter with ADHD often was the last to leave the building each evening as she attempted to grab her books and materials and stuff them in her book bag.

One evening of her third-grade year, her sister and I laughed as she came out the doors with her hand clutching the collar of her coat and her eyes drawn down in a severe frown. It communicated much to us.

“Be quiet before she gets in the van. She will think we’re poking fun at her, which is something she definitely does not need.”

So when my daughter opened the door, I asked, “How was your day, honey?”

“Terrible. Again. Brandy and her friends laughed at me for falling asleep in class. But, Mommy, I was so tired, and my teacher told them to leave me alone.; I needed a brief nap. Mrs. Reid did not make fun of me; why did they laugh?”

“They are probably jealous you can get by with it,” her sister said coming to her defense.

You can believe it when I say I was at Mrs. Reid’s desk before school began the next morning. I asked her about my child falling asleep and about how other kids treated her.

“She sleeps in the afternoon because it takes much energy and concentration for her in the mornings. As to the others, I attempt to stay ahead of their rudeness to her and a couple of the other children.”

In fourth grade, my daughter encountered similar heckling and comments. She often came home complaining of Brandy’s mean words and taunts that made my daughter cry.

One day her older sister, who at 16 could drive, asked to drive her younger sister home from school. It wasn’t until years later that I learned how the scene played out.

Walking into the straggling group in the classroom, my older daughter asked her sister, “Hey, point out that Brandy kid for me, will you?”

My daughters tell me the small group got quiet as others backed away from the infamous Brandy, leaving her standing alone.

“Are you Brandy?  I’ve been wanting to meet you. It seems you have picked on my sister for several years. I’m telling you the next time I hear about it, I’m going to begin at your finger nails, pulling nails and flesh off your body. I’m warning you, and when you go home and tell your mother who sleeps around with any guy who is desperate, or your dad and stepmother who everyone knows do not pay their bills, I will tell them of the abuse you have dumped on my sister. In other words, I welcome you to tell your folks.”

We heard no other complaints that year, and during grade five, my daughter was assigned to a magnet school to balance the busing assignments in our district. At that school, the Principal had stringent rules on any type of verbal harassment, which he considered gang activity.

Sadly, mocking related to my daughter’s ADHD did not end with the elementary grades, but the issues associated with high school will have to wait for another blog.

 

 

Dance Like No One is Looking

Husband picked me at work about 8 P.M. last Tuesday, and I asked if he had eaten supper.

“No, I’m kinda hungry.” He has a way of rolling his eyes toward me when he hoping for an additional offer.

“So where would you like to go? I’ll take you out since you are driving for me.”

“Let’s just go over here to Jimmie’s Diner. It’s close, and they have pancakes.”

Pancakes have always been one of his favorite staples. I know he is not feeling well or is feeling depressed when he refuses pancakes.

This night he was in a more normal mood. Besides Jimmie’s has a long standing in our personal history. It used to be called Kings-X after Jimmie King.

Kings-X holds a vital role in Wichita’s dining history.  In 1938, King, a cook for the old White Castle Hamburgers, which also started in Wichita, bought several of White Castle stores and opened one of the finest hamburger, milk shake, and breakfast traditions ever seen in the city.

Forty years ago, Husband and I went to Kings-X for many breakfast dates where he ordered the five-star special including fried apples. I know he knows his pancakes. It suffices to say pancakes and Jimmie’s means much more to him than a simple and inexpensive breakfast meal.

Jimmie’s utilizes a 50’s theme where waitresses wear pony tails, poodle skirts, and when they can find them, saddle oxfords. The restaurant follows the Kings-X tradition of being a type of neighborhood place to eat.

Best of all they play pop tunes from the 40’s and 50’s.  Diners don’t even have to get out of their cars before they hear the blast of oldie tunes and rhythms such as Purple People Eater, Only You, and The Stroll to name only the first three that come to my mind.

This night, Husband’s eyes lit up as we pulled into the parking lane. He didn’t even wait to get out of the car before shaking his head and gyrating his shoulders. His blood was starting to pump, and I think he was tapping the pavement as soon as his toes touched it.

“Is it speaking to you?” I laughed.

He didn’t even respond. As I rounded the front of the car he was already striding into the building with his head slightly down and his feet crossing over each other in a Stroll. He moved his shoulders, arms, and hips in fluid motion in time with his feet.

He never minds that the entire world may be watching because he dances as if he is alone in the universe.

“That’s the man I know,” I encouraged as he smiled and winked. I’ve seen him dance in public many times, and even have pushed away when he grabbed me to dance with him in the aisle of a grocery or drugstore.

Happy moments like this don’t often crop up these days, but for a few minutes he reverted back to the young man I married, full of humor and ready to clown around.

Depression doesn’t often let him be that jovial person, but I consider it a blessing that for a short time that evening, he danced, enjoyed his pancakes, and remembered other instances of what went before. He was dancing as if no one was looking.

She Thought I was Weird

“I’ll be writing to teens with ADHD about love and romance this week,” I told Husband. “I am trying to decide if I should write about something from your life or to teen girls in general.”

“I like the idea of your writing to teen girls in general.”

“That may be best, but before I leave this conversation, I want to ask you about the time you bought candy for Anna, your high school classmate.”

He knew I attended elementary school with this same Anna, still sadness and pain crossed his eyes for a brief moment.

“When you gave her the chocolates, what did she say?”

“She gave them to her friend standing next to her.”

“She gave them to someone else?”

“The other girl brought them over to me and said I should keep them, and I shouldn’t try to do it again.”

His face registered his sense of rejection.

“You mean on Valentine’s Day, she couldn’t have merely thanked you and moved on with it?”

“It was her birthday. I overheard someone say it was, so I thought I would buy her a gift.”

“Why did she do such a cruel thing?”

“She thought I was weird. Once I blurted out a comment in class, and she turned on me with a vengeance. She was an intelligent girl in English class, and I thought she was smart, that’s all.”

“So you admired her, and she thought you were weird because of your ADHD symptoms?”

“That’s likely it.”

“If I was going to write about teen girls with ADHD, I could write about times Baby Sis felt rejected due to her ADHD symptoms. She didn’t experience the same types of rejections. She did always think people were talking about her behind her back.”

But I kept on, “I am angry Anna hurt your feelings, but she was acting on information as she knew it at the time. The point is not to blame another person. It is the point to know that ADHD symptoms may not contribute to good relationships. Teens and adults with ADHD should learn behaviors that contribute to relationships, not impede them. Besides, I am glad it was me, not her that realized the treasure within you.”

I once told my husband that as a young man, he was often in love with love. Many scholars now bear it out: persons with ADHD can hyperfocus on romance because doing so increases dopamine which increases pleasure-producing neurotransmitters. But that does not necessarily create love relationships. The person with ADHD and his or her partner must take ownership of ADHD by treating it responsibly to manage the symptoms, increase dopamine, and help the brain work as it is supposed to. It is imperative persons with ADHD learn how to override the challenges of ADHD behavior and build the positive skills needed for lasting intimate relationships.

If you need help in this area, allow Dr. Atha the opportunity to assist you as you seek confidence in romance and love.

Contact us today at McNay & Voth, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558.

 

Let’s Talk About Organization

This afternoon I asked Husband if he would discuss organization with me. He got a pained look on his face and frowned.

“No, I am not organized.”

“So what do you think about organization?”

“I think it is one of the nicest things ever invented for other people.”

“I guess that means not you?”

“That’s right. That’s exactly what it means,” he said as he turned and purred at the cat.

“Why not you?” 

He turned his head away to think, “Well, That means I would have to remember what I organized and where I put it, and that is virtually impossible.

“You keep your dresser drawers organized quite nicely.”

“I do that to keep me from embarrassing myself publicly.”

“Why is that?”

“You know. People don’t like it when you go out in public without underwear and socks and things like that on. They get all excited and call the police about your public exposure.”

“Other than your undies, when do you think you have been organized? Ever?”

“When I took certain college classes and at work I had to know when and where documents were to be delivered.”

“Are you saying it is a matter of incentive or motivation or external reason?”

“External? No, not really external; more like internal huh, what’s that p word? Policy. Internal policy. That was the motivation.”

“Why is it difficult for you to be organized?”

He repeated the question under his breath.

“We’ve been married more than 38 years; you tell me.”

“If I knew the real answer for that and a sure fix for perpetual disorganization, we could bank the profits.”

I continued asking, “What was your desk like when you were in elementary school?”

“A trash can with pencils and pens and lots of papers that should have been turned in, but I couldn’t find them at the time.”

“Did anyone try to help you organize your desk?”

“Sometimes a teacher would put the garbage can next to my desk and tell me to throw away anything I didn’t need it in, and turn in the ones I should have turned in.”

“Would it have helped if a teacher asked you to do that every Friday before school dismissed?”

“Not really. I did the same thing with my locker in high school.”

“And then you graduated from your locker to your messy car?”

He merely nodded his head with a sad expression across his face. “As I matured, I realized organization is a personal matter. The way I organize my things may not be the way others organize their things.”

As personal as this conversation may seem, I expect thousands of adults with ADHD can relate to Husband’s experiences. They are more like him than different from him when it comes to organization. Possibly as he has done, other adults with ADHD have learned across time how to organize their work or personal space. Possibly also like him, organization is more difficult at home than at work.

If you or someone you may know with ADHD have problems with organization, whether that person is a child, teen, or adult, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com  or phone us 316-771-7558. Let us help that person develop his or her own sense of organization.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

 

 

Know Your ADHD

Many of you have heard the story of how I met Husband when we were students at Friends University in Wichita, KS.

One day in English literature class, he said to me, “What was this author trying to say? I didn’t understand this shit, and it made me nervous. So I stopped reading.”

Since I knew nothing about ADHD at that time, I attempted to enlighten him about the work in question. I swear his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.

Throughout the years, we have discussed how ADHD affected his ability in college.

I told him: “As early as the late 1790’s, a Scottish doctor, Sir Alexander Crichton, described the characteristics ADHD with words such as inattentiveness and restlessness, which he called ‘the fidgets.’ He noted that children with those behaviors were unable to pay attention in school and suggested these kids receive individual education interventions. What do you think of that piece of information?”

As he gazed into my eyes, Husband said, “Scottish, huh? I’m Scottish. Maybe it’s a national epidemic. I think I resemble his remarks.”

“Be serious; one thing has been born out by literally dozens of studies and empirical evidence. ADHD is a genetic-based condition that tends to run in families, which is strongly evidenced on certain genetic and DNA markers. It is complex. Neurotransmitters which serve to manage other networks are thought to not pass along messages through synaptic gaps.”

“So you are telling me I have gaps in my brain? I’ve known that forever.”

“You have lots of smarts. But in the early 1900’s Sir George Still of England talked about the symptoms as ‘moral control in the normal child’, and he referred to ‘control of action in conformity with the idea of the good for all.’ He said those children were emotionally volatile, aggressive, and they lacked of insight into the impact of their actions.”

“So what is this? What are you telling me? I lost you somewhere in all those words.”

“ADHD is a brain-functioning disorder with a highly social significance. Most persons with ADHD are quite intelligent, but the inattention process often impedes learning or academics. Like you were in our English lit class.”

“Yes. By the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what it said at the first of it.”

Are you or a family member a person with ADHD? Researchers today don’t always agree on the cause of the disorder. However, the effects they agree on; it is a series of symptoms involving inattention, impulsivity, possibly hyperactivity, or a combination of any of these. Often we hear the terms Executive Function and frontal lobe associated with ADHD.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching, we know how ADHD affects lives of persons and their families. We offer coaching for the person with ADHD, and we help family understand the disorder.

Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or phone us at 316-771-7557.

Be Mindful at Christmas

The sign at a local school immediately caught my attention: Be Mindful of Parking Procedures.

“Ha! ” I said aloud.

Right away Husband jumped and asked. “What?”

“It says be mindful of the procedures. It did not say ‘ follow the rules ’ ‘heed procedures’, or even ‘ watch out for children’. It says ‘be mindful’.”

“Isn’t that one of the terms you always use when talking about ADHD?”

“Yes, it is,” I said. “I challenge persons to be mindful of behaviors associated with ADHD, especially as those behaviors reoccur in their children or spouses with ADHD. I tell them to stand back and observe or pay attention on purpose without being judgmental and with a focus for being in the moment.”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“Basically, it means a person can intentionally observe, describe, or even take part in the moment without becoming all emotional or defensive. We talk about being mindful of God’s presence. Knowing He is with us doesn’t stress us out or cause us to be upset.”

“It might, if we feel guilty enough.”

“That’s a different topic. Being mindful of God’s presence helps us to relax and it reduces stress. For Christians, it helps us remember He brings forgiveness and peace, if we are willing to accept them.”

“So does this have something to do with parking lots?”

“Not in religious terms. I just think it is curious they used the word mindful.  But mindfulness in general can help persons with ADHD reduce a sense of stress. It can also help family who get frustrated with the ADHD member.”

“Now you are getting personal.”  He turned and scowled at me.

“Not that I couldn’t, but seriously, this is not all about you. Mindfulness can allow an individual a sense of flexibility. It is looking at behaviors in a new perspective and even with new sensitivity. Mindfulness also helps with building the attention center of the brain. The more an individual regulates or focuses his or her attention to being mindful, the more he or she thickens the attention center. Meditation or focus does a similar thing. We can call it mindful mediation.”

“So it is a matter of how and when we are mindful?”

“You got it. For example, we can mindfully eat a meal at a slower pace and focus on the taste of the food. We can mindfully reflect on what Christmas means and meditate on God’s goodness.”

If you are a person with ADHD, you and your spouse and children can benefit from the practices of mindfulness during the holiday season and the end of the year:

1.    Meditate on the meaning of the season.

2.   Be mindful of your traditions for celebrating and how you can make things easier.

3.   Practice meditation to dispel old habits and contemplate how you want to live in the future.

4.   Make time throughout each day to listen to the quiet around you.

If you wish to take a fresh approach to living with ADHD, and have questions about ADHD or the practice of mindfulness and ADHD, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com.

 

 

Christmas Cheer

While we were driving and looking at Christmas lights, I wistfully said, “Remember our first Christmas together? Do you remember the little table-top tree and ornaments? How about the pink caftan robe I made for you?”

Husband concentrated on his driving. Finally he asked, “What brought that up?”

“Oh, you know. I get nostalgic when I think of the many Christmas celebrations we enjoyed when our kids were little.”

“They weren’t born that first year,” he pointed out with a smirk.

“I realize that. But I think of Oldest Daughter’s first Christmas when she was five weeks old. I remember wrapping our presents with pink ribbons to commemorate her birth, and I remember her first pair of jeans that your sister bought her.”

Husband continued to smirk. He often tells me he draws frames of pictures in his head as he listens.

As I plunged ahead with my memories, I continued, “Then there was Crown Prince’s first Christmas when he was two months old, and your sister bought him his first pair of jeans, too.”

“Is this about my sister’s buying habits?” I could tell he was not too thrilled with this conversation.

“No, I think it is about true happiness at Christmas. Each baby brought immense joy and happiness at his or her first Christmas. Even when the money was tight, we were happy as a family.”

“When was it not tight at Christmas?” Husband growled.

“OK, that aside,” I agreed, “I wish to continue remembering happy moments from the past.”

“So are you the Ghost of Christmas Past? Long past or just your past?”

“Very good Ebenezer.”

“So, where is this conversation leading?”  I don’t think he likes to dwell on joyful thoughts.

“The emphasis of Christmas lies on the small pieces of happiness of being with family and doing things for others. The best memories do not highlight certain gifts as much as they do the times of being with people who are near and dear.”

He didn’t catch the part about not highlighting gifts. “One of my best Christmas gifts was the pogo stick Grandma and Grandpa Lutz bought for me in 1959. See, I even remember the year. They bought it just for me and my needs.”

“Was it the toy or the fact Grandma and Grandpa gave it? “

“Yes,” he responded in his usual way.

Christmas is not always joyful for the person with ADHD. It can be a huge challenge for him or her in terms of money and empathy. This year, help your person with ADHD appreciate his or her own strengths by encouraging one small volunteer service. It will give your person the confidence to focus on others instead of his or her own needs.

For more information on how you can help your family member with ADHD or yourself, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

 

 

Communication Social Skills

Nearly 30 years ago our family learned sign language in order to communicate with a neighbor’s child. It has proven to be one of the best skills we have enjoyed as a family.  A variety of sign languages are used throughout the United States, and sign language can be considered the fourth most used language in our country, especially when talking about American Sign Language. One of the neatest aspects of knowing sign language is how to use body, space, manual expression, and facial expression.

Husband uses sign language quite beautifully, and for many years served as an interpreter to deaf members of our church congregation.

Our family uses it when we cannot talk in church or other places such as school meetings when we poked fun among ourselves at a school board member/mother in our community. No, don’t feel sorry for her. She was offensive to many people in our school community; we just had the means to talk about her behind her back in front of her face.

Call it tension release.

Yesterday we had another great opportunity for tension release, only this time it was another customer in the hair salon where we go for haircuts.

Our stylist cut Husband’s hair before starting in on me. We were the only ones in the salon expect for another stylist who was waiting for her next customer.

When he bounded through the door, we all knew it. He came with his slightly self-focused smile, a head-full of bushy curls, and his loud voice.

I happened to turn toward where Husband sat waiting for me and asked “ADHD?” in sign language.

With squinted eyes, Husband watched the new customer closely for a while without making a comment.

Customer said, “Yes, it has gotten long and curly. She wants you to take it to a fall-weather cut. Trim this part of my beard. She wants me to have a goatee.”

Within two minutes we heard about the impending anniversary celebration and the party their grown children planned for them.  OK. We had no problem with that conversation, although it was a bit loud.

In answer to his stylist’s question, Customer soon said, “We are also going to New Orleans to the French Quarter. She has never been there. I have many times because my brother is a performer, and he has often done shows in the French Quarter. I flew down to be with him there several times.”

We learned more about his brother. “He travels all over the USA, but his home is in California. He is 66 years old, but he still has to work. Well, you can imagine how it is to own a business such as that.”

I had turned several times to observe Husband’s face. He continued to squint. He still had not answered my question.

Customer had not stopped talking about She and about the impending celebration and of course, his brother. Husband still had not answered my question.

Customer continued, “Yeah, I told my brother about this trip, and he is happy for us. He offered to meet us there. That was a neat suggestion.”

I looked over at Husband who crossed his arms.  He made a fist with his left hand and swiped across it with his right palm. Then he circled the tip of his nose with the right fist. My stylist saw us. “I see you are talking? What did he just say?”

“Full of shit,” I replied. Tony burst out laughing.

Without taking much breath, Customer said, “So I mentioned it to her. The idea didn’t go over very well, actually. She said that she does not want my brother along with us while we are there to celebrate our anniversary.”

He was quite for a few thoughtful moments before continuing. “Usually I stay with his group when I go because the cost of hotels in New Orleans is really expensive. Anything over $100 per night is too much. I am only there to bathe and sleep. She made the reservations for this trip. I told her not to tell me how much the room will cost her.”

I glanced at Husband who laid his right arm on the left. With one hand he put up two fingers like bull horns. I began to laugh before he even wiggled the fingers of the other hand. So did Tony. “I can tell that one. Bullshit, right?”

 

Transforming Love and Candor

I have found a long-lost acquaintance on Facebook, and the delightful part is seeing her stepson, Bobby, in photos across the page.

Bobby is a man with Down Syndrome who often visited the Sunday Bible Class we taught for many years. Seeing his picture brings to mind the joy and fulfillment we experienced working with that wonderful group of adults.

Did I mention they were adults with various disabilities, especially what we called Developmental Disabilities?

That means they were at various levels of mental retardation or delay.

I told Husband, “You should see Bobby’s picture. He looks like a version of his Dad.”

“How do you remember those people and their names? I can barely connect Bobby to his Dad, and that is because I knew his Dad’s cousin, Roy.”

“It’s a curse, really. Although there are times when I have to tell people I remember their faces, but not their names.”

“That was a long time ago,” Husband said, taking me back to the original conversation.

“Wasn’t it great?”

“Well, sort of. At least it was for you.”

I looked him straight in the eye. “Those men and women really loved and respected you. They can remember your name much faster than mine, and I was the actual teacher. I did most of the work.”

“Well, yeah, I guess it was my charm.”

“I am convinced it was the way you treated them. You were genuine with them.”

“You were genuine. You really loved that work.”

“Yes, I still love the thought of those guys.”

Husband stared at me. “Can I, can I , can I t-t-t tell you something?” We both laughed because Pat, a member of the class always began his conversation with that phrase.

“Seriously, I want to tell you something. Sometimes I resented those people. It took 15 functioning adults to make one of them look independent. As normal as possible.” He added that last phrase in a mocking tone.

I contemplated that for a while. “Yes, it did, but it didn’t hurt us. Look what God did through us in that class.”

I began to call names, ”Don, Carrie, Dwain, who married Michele, that Campbell girl whose first name escapes me. Lisa, Lisa Campbell. All of them are now deceased, and all went into eternity knowing the God who loved them.”

Husband remembered them all, “What was it Don told you about coming to Sunday School? You asked him if he liked coming and staying for worship.”

“Don said he liked hearing that God loved him. ‘I never knewed that before.’ And he didn’t because he had been abused and exploited. We were there when he prayed to receive Christ.”

As I looked at Husband, I said, “And you were part of it with your matter-of-fact way of working with them.  They loved you for being you with them.”

Husband reflected on our conversation for a few minutes. “It is like you always say. Those people are more like you and me than different from us.”

I recalled a time when we visited one of the group homes, and I began to laugh.

“Do you remember when you walked into the TV room where Rick and some of the guys were watching a movie?” I asked.

“Yes, I remember! It was filthy with all sorts of half-naked women running around with their butts hanging out of their swimsuits. I told those guys they should change the channel. That movie was not good for them to watch.”

“Well, your final comment to them demonstrated what I mean about your matter-of-fact way of being around those people. Rick said, ‘But we like it.’”

Husband turned a bit red. “Oh, yeah. Afterwards I was afraid my flippant remark would cause trouble.”

By this time I was laughing again at Husband’s bluntness.

Yeah, you said, “What do you know? You’re retarded.”

First College Experience

Yesterday, I asked Husband about his first year of college. “Why did you go to Emporia State rather than stay here in Wichita?”

He looked somewhat saddened when I mentioned that first year.

“Why are you asking?”

“This time of year, many students with ADHD go away or attend college for the first time. Thinking about it sets off a plan to write a blog.”

“I went to Emporia because the school offered a computer program. Wichita State was not an option for me. Friends would have been an option, but they did not offer the program I wanted.”

Keep in mind that these were the days before the microchip perfected the role of computers in our lives.

“And how long did you live in Emporia?”

“One school term or year.”

“Why did you come back home?”

“Because I was an idiot,” he shot back at me without a moment’s hesitation. “I left a situation without finishing it. If I had been on the ball, I would have gotten a job and stayed there.”

His face reflected disgust at the memory.

“But if you had, we would not have met,” I whined.

His face softened at the memory of meeting me.

“At Emporia, they actually expected me to work. School meant I had to do more than listen and take notes, which is how I got through high school.”

Thoughtfully he continued, “I was disappointed in college because I didn’t feel accepted. A certain group of kids, the ones from back east who couldn’t get into eastern schools, made me feel bad about myself. It was miserable.”

His comments supported what many college students with ADHD feel. For them, college has much to do with developing a self-image and discovering future hopes and dreams. More importantly, it’s about finding friends and people with whom they can identify. But frequently it is difficult for them to find friend on campus. It’s as if nebulous circles or factions are challenging to understand and befriend.

“Another reason I came back was because Dad kept hounding me to get a job, so I could pay the $35 monthly rent. I lived in a house with four other guys. It was a real mess.”

Often persons with ADHD lack social cues, act socially inappropriate or immature, and often put the blame for all of this on others.

“Were people cruel to you?”

He thought for several seconds, and I could see he was sorting through the stories.

“One economics teacher was a real jerk.” Actually he used another offensive term that insulted the instructor’s value and intelligence.

“He was a poor teacher to begin with, and whenever a couple of us asked him to clarify his explanations, he became belligerent. As well the answers to the test questions were not in his notes.”

I saw a bigger picture in relation to his comments. Many persons with ADHD also have learning disabilities concerning the use of language skills. College students with ADHD and/or learning disabilities comprise the greatest percentage of students with disabilities on college campuses in the United States.

“So I came back home and enrolled at Friends University.”

I asked, “What was different about Friends?”

“Even though home was not best, I was home. I felt more secure about going to college. The instructors at Friends treated me more like teachers did in high school. Also the classes were smaller, I had a cooperative job schedule, and there was an advantage of more jobs overall.”

He continued, “I felt better about school in general, though we both know I didn’t complete my degree until 30 years later.” At that we both smiled at the thought of his transcripts and incompletes.

“Going away that one year, however, was beneficial. It helped me see the importance of doing what I had not been doing.”