High School and ADHD

I am certain one of my close friends from high school days will read this blog. She continually supports our efforts and outreach to persons with ADHD. As a mother, she knows the challenges of raising a child with ADHD.

As a former teen, she also knows the challenges associated with the teen years. We’ve talked about those challenges that still haunt us after 40-plus years.

She will remember our vocal music teacher whom, in spite of her strictness and spinster ways, we loved to please.  She will also remember the red chiffon dresses with gathered skirts we wore for Southern Belles or the blue pleated dresses we wore for our madrigal ensemble. Both outfits looked really good on her tall, slim figure, but at the time, they were slightly out-of style; they made us self-conscious to wear them.

Whew! At times I still have nightmares that I am in high school classes where I am telling former teachers “But I have earned a Ph.D. I don’t need to be taking this test.”

Ridiculous, huh?  Maybe so, but thoughts of high school still disturbs adults, especially those with ADHD whether they graduated as recently as two or three years ago or as long as 40 years ago.

Hubby audibly groans when we talk about our high school experiences. Many of his memories are not pleasant as they involve his reactions and behaviors in high school situations.

He’s often told me about his favorite black cardigan sweater. He looked nice wearing it, he felt, and it offered a way for him to hide things about his body that he didn’t like. But wearing it every day from September through May was not so cool. “I overheard another student make a comment about me wearing it every day, and I was embarrassed and hurt. I didn’t realize it was a negative thing to do.”

Even more, he told me about his feelings of certain social isolation. You may think all teens experience a degree of being shelved socially, but it is even more of a problem for the teen with ADHD. Impulsive outbursts, moodiness, constantly failing to follow through, disorganization of time and space, being too loud will all call negative attention to the teen with ADHD, or will cause others not to want to be friends with him or her.

Subtle social information will pass by the teen with ADHD whose mind will be focused in several directions.  Truly teens require countless social skills such as talking, listening, sharing, being empathetic, that do not come naturally to the teen with ADD. 

“The hurtful memories involve knowing other kids were laughing behind my back or talking bad about me,” Hubby once said.

One young adult with ADHD told me, “I wanted to hang with friends younger than I am.” His experience is common for teens with ADHD. Social pressures and the expectations for mature growth overwhelm many teens with ADHD. As well, taking ADHD medications bothers teens. Another young man said, “I hated the meds because I was afraid people would find out about them and think I was a meth-head.”

Likely they would have wanted you to sell them a few of your pills, I said with my characteristic sarcasm. “Of course you would have gotten into legal trouble because you would have been accused of pushing drugs.”

Teens with ADHD miss important social cues or misinterpretation of others’ comments, and by doing have difficulty swimming through the unfamiliar waters of dating and romantic relationships.

Even in college, Hubby didn’t know how to evaluate the growth in our relationship, and it caused him confusion. Instead of stating those feelings directly to me, he said, “I feel like you are backing me up against a wall.”

I got tired of that comment real quickly.

While I gratefully acknowledge the awkward teen years are far behind us, I realize the fears and anxieties of those days will never be far away from us. They have taken a new shape in Hubby’s life as different co-existing mental health issues. I may remember the horror of musical ensemble outfits, but he remembers far greater anxiety and distress.

If you wish to discuss views on being a teen with ADHD, please contact us at McNay & Voth www,coachadhd.com or 316-655-9807, or feel free to make an appointment to visit our office at 240 N. Rock Road, Wichita, KS 27206,

 

Dr Atha McNay

McNay & Voth ADHD Services

 

 

Mean Girls and a Daughter with ADHD

Of course when I sent my youngest child to preschool, I was convinced that her skills and creativity would shine above all the other kids, and everyone would immediately recognize her intellect and unique value.

So I was dumbfounded and astounded when she came home from her first sessions complaining of how other kids, especially the girls, made fun of her.

“Mommy, they say ‘you are weird’ to me. They tell me I have thin hair.”

Oh, indeed? I knew which child that would be. I had a similar conversation with her mother.

“Your little girl is the one with thin hair,” she said smugly in reference to my daughter’s baby-fine hair.

In my not-too-Christian mindset, I replied, “Yes, she has short blonde hair and large violet eyes. And your child? Is she the one with carrot red hair? I think that is the one because she has the same bull-dog jaw line as your husband. That is her father, right?”

She looked as if I had slapped her, which in essence I had done with my words. I intended for them to sting.

But to my child, I merely, said, “Honey, she does not know words as well as you do. It is hard for her to describe what she sees. When she says mean words, just feel sorry for her because she isn’t smart as you are.”

The taunts continued throughout elementary school. My daughter with ADHD often was the last to leave the building each evening as she attempted to grab her books and materials and stuff them in her book bag.

One evening of her third-grade year, her sister and I laughed as she came out the doors with her hand clutching the collar of her coat and her eyes drawn down in a severe frown. It communicated much to us.

“Be quiet before she gets in the van. She will think we’re poking fun at her, which is something she definitely does not need.”

So when my daughter opened the door, I asked, “How was your day, honey?”

“Terrible. Again. Brandy and her friends laughed at me for falling asleep in class. But, Mommy, I was so tired, and my teacher told them to leave me alone.; I needed a brief nap. Mrs. Reid did not make fun of me; why did they laugh?”

“They are probably jealous you can get by with it,” her sister said coming to her defense.

You can believe it when I say I was at Mrs. Reid’s desk before school began the next morning. I asked her about my child falling asleep and about how other kids treated her.

“She sleeps in the afternoon because it takes much energy and concentration for her in the mornings. As to the others, I attempt to stay ahead of their rudeness to her and a couple of the other children.”

In fourth grade, my daughter encountered similar heckling and comments. She often came home complaining of Brandy’s mean words and taunts that made my daughter cry.

One day her older sister, who at 16 could drive, asked to drive her younger sister home from school. It wasn’t until years later that I learned how the scene played out.

Walking into the straggling group in the classroom, my older daughter asked her sister, “Hey, point out that Brandy kid for me, will you?”

My daughters tell me the small group got quiet as others backed away from the infamous Brandy, leaving her standing alone.

“Are you Brandy?  I’ve been wanting to meet you. It seems you have picked on my sister for several years. I’m telling you the next time I hear about it, I’m going to begin at your finger nails, pulling nails and flesh off your body. I’m warning you, and when you go home and tell your mother who sleeps around with any guy who is desperate, or your dad and stepmother who everyone knows do not pay their bills, I will tell them of the abuse you have dumped on my sister. In other words, I welcome you to tell your folks.”

We heard no other complaints that year, and during grade five, my daughter was assigned to a magnet school to balance the busing assignments in our district. At that school, the Principal had stringent rules on any type of verbal harassment, which he considered gang activity.

Sadly, mocking related to my daughter’s ADHD did not end with the elementary grades, but the issues associated with high school will have to wait for another blog.

 

 

My Daughter and ADHD

The joy of the holiday included a visit from Baby Sis and her hubby who graced us by spending the weekend at our house.

She is my offspring with ADHD, and we often talk about how the disorder manifests differently in females than males.

For one thing, females with ADHD are more likely to experience increased psychological distress and feel a lower self-image than males with the disorder.

Baby Sis and I want to conduct studies on females with ADHD. Knowledge about how the disorder in females in limited, and we want to be among those who conduct additional studies.

Additionally, we want to write a series of short stories that show how ADHD manifests or impacts lives of girls, female teens, and women across a lifespan. Baby Sis and I collaborate to lace the lines of our stories with real-life incidents and reactions.

This morning Baby Sis said, “At this point of the story, I would have worried for hours about the people who died in a tornado. Do you remember when I told you that I do not want to die in a tornado? I told you that if I did die in a tornado, I wanted you to buy me a pink casket.  By the way you reacted, I was certain my comment annoyed you.”

Just the thought of my young child being afraid and asking for a pink casket continues to take my breath away. “I wasn’t annoyed. I was fearful. I couldn’t wrap my mind around losing you, even though several mothers lost their precious babies in last week’s tornado. It wasn’t you that bothered me.”

She said, “But you see in my young mind and with the sensitivity I have owing to my ADHD, I didn’t realize it wasn’t me. To me, everything was due to me.  I didn’t understand my insecurity or overt sensitivity, and I still am not certain that I do.”

In the past, ADHD has been considered a disorder affecting only boys and males. Young females or girls are often overlooked when it comes to a diagnosis. Often females, namely mothers, come to recognize their own ADHD symptoms as a result of having their children diagnosed with it. As the woman learns more about ADHD, she begins to see similar patterns in her own behavior.

In the story we worked on this morning, Baby Sis shared about the rejection she perceived from her Kindergarten teacher. The frustration from believing her teacher picked on her has haunted her for 25 years. She continues not to comprehend why this teacher was so harsh with her.

 “One outfit you bought me had pantaloons sewn into the waist of the dress, but my teacher wouldn’t let me hang by knees from the monkey bars. She said I was showing my panties. She was always worried about my panties.”

“Yes,” I remembered, “She called me in one morning to talk about the fact you tucked your hands in your panties. She accused you of something rude.”

Baby Sis laughed, “So you had me wear shorts or jeans to school each day, and when I couldn’t play with the elastic on my panties, I got into trouble for going to the bathroom too often. I remember how bored I got. The walk across the hall to the bathroom was just enough to get the wiggles out.”

It was one of those incidents I could have lived many years more without knowing about it.

 

Throwing Themselves Across Their Students

Last night and throughout this morning we’ve heard stories of heroic teachers who placed their own bodies as shields across their little students when the killer tornado destroyed Moore, Oklahoma.

Who knows how many young lives were spared because of teachers’ personal sacrifice? Who knows how many of us will continually wipe away tears as we hear these stories repeated?

In my association with ADHD, I often hear the hurts and complaints parents express concerning their children with ADHD. Justifiably, several parents protest that teachers just do not understand ADHD as a disorder, or they do not attempt to accommodate or modify the learning environment for the ADHD student. However, that is not every teacher of students with ADHD, and it is not every parent.

I know many teachers who are heroes every day for students with all types of special-learning needs, including ADHD. I’ve taken part in many conversations with them throughout the past 35 years, and I know the ways in which they lay their lives on the line for their students.

Husband tells me of his own school days when ADHD might have been considered Minimal Brain Dysfunction, but his own parents didn’t know that term, and possibly his teachers didn’t either. He was merely a whinny little boy who did not live up to his apparent potential. As a teen he was the highly-intelligent emerging adult who appeared totally unmotivated and somewhat lazy.

If it hadn’t been for the teachers who laid their lives on the line for him, he wouldn’t have achieved as much as he has as an adult.

For example, he tells of Mrs. Sutley in first grade, “She treated me like my mother. She was a loving and giving adult. She liked to ask questions that helped me stop and think in ways that were very appropriate for the things we studied. I didn’t always have my attention focused on things, but she gently drew me back to my work by talking kindly and touching me on the shoulder.”

Miss Ekert in the second grade provided motivation. “Every week on Friday, Miss Ekert had a prize for students who did well in reading and spelling. She gave me a goal and reason to learn to spell and read. She was also the teacher Mother paid to drive me and my siblings to school each morning, so Mother wouldn’t have to get out that early.”

“In fifth grade I would get up during teaching time and walk around the classroom. The teacher was not hateful to me about getting back to my chair, but she let me return and get seated quietly without drawing negative attention to me. Each day, she chose two or three students to eat lunch with her around her desk. She talked with us about world events; it was like a friendship. She valued my opinion.”

Of course in high school, Sarah Harvey, junior-level English won his heart with her with her kindness and the fact he felt it easy to ask her questions. “If I didn’t get it right away, she patiently explained in two or more ways until I understood. She would stand in the front of the classroom and lecture us about English or a book, and then call on one of us to the blackboard to explain what she had said. Other students would confirm or challenge. It gave me a reason to pay attention in class.”

The stories support the many minute strategies teachers use in classrooms every day across our community schools. They lay groundwork for future ADHD adults who will recall their own school experiences with grateful memories and even hearts. I applaud teachers’ heroic efforts to understand the way students with ADHD function, and to work within their students’ strengths and areas of interest. If you know a teacher who demonstrates extra effort on the part of your student with ADHD, please take time to thank them before the end of this school year.