Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

Woman in Battle

Our nation sets aside Memorial Day as the one official holiday to honor citizens, men and women, who served and died during war. When I was a child, we called it Decoration Day when folks put flowers on the graves of dead loved ones.

Today I use Memorial Day to lay verbal flowers at the feet of one particular citizen who fought in a unique war: Husband’s Grandmother, June Lutz.

Grandmother June is my hero for many reasons, but mainly for the 52 years she was wife to Grandpa Roy, a man with ADHD. Keep in mind that Grandpa was never officially diagnosed with the disorder; it wasn’t officially recognized while he was alive. However, I KNOW, I just know that he is one of the genetic reasons Husband is a person with ADHD.  It explains why Roy was who he was.

June told me she was enamored with Roy while a teen. She loved his mother for the same type of creative and unconventional behaviors she loved in Roy. When she was 18 years old, she married him, and I consider that the day she went to war.

Roy was creative, funny, and hilariously socially inappropriate at times. Whenever he made off-color remarks, June shrieked “Roy!!”, and we all laughed until the tears came.  It encouraged him to keep it up.

He also could be kind-hearted, generous, and loving which is one reason his three daughters adored him. But he had a problem for many years; he self-medicated with alcohol. He claimed he drank because of the pain of osteoarthritis in his legs, but I suggest there was more to it. When drunk, he was mean, and June and his daughters carefully skirted around the landmines of his anger and surliness.

As do many spouses with ADHD, Roy demonstrated an uncontrolled, sporadic indifference to their feelings and just about everything else. During the times he made strong willful efforts at being better, June forgave him.  When he was obstinate and hateful, she straightened her backbone and stood strong against him.

Even when he stopped drinking, she continued to be the resilient partner who brought in the family income during an era when mothers seldom worked outside the home.

As I think of my own battle weariness, I am reminded that June loved Roy and continually encouraged him. I think she would understand if I could explain why I choose to forgive Husband: his total disregard when I ask him to complete a chore, or even begin it, his lack of caring of my needs and wants. She would understand the frustration of living with a man who chooses not to tell the truth, and who blames all his failures on other people. Since that same man is her grandson, she might even threaten to wash his mouth out with soap as she did when he was a child.

I feel assured June would agree with me that wives of ADHD men must comprehend that their husbands have a low level and one-dimensional attention to task. One of my greatest realizations came when I comprehended that Husband did not behave that way on purpose. As long as I thought he personalized his behavior against me, our relationship was in trouble.

She would also understand why I continually focus on my husband’s strengths and good qualities. She would know that leaping from one negative thought to another and to another only ties my emotions into knots. It doesn’t move us forward toward victory.

June was a child during World War I and a responsible adult during World War II.  First hand, she knew the value of being willing to fight for the things she believed in, which in this case was her marriage.

ADD is not easy for persons who have it or for those who live with them! That's why all ADHD marriages can benefit from the support of someone who truly understands the pressures associated with ADHD behaviors.  I invite battle-weary spouses to contact McNay &Voth where we can custom build strategies to help your marriages.

 

Only One Martha Stewart

Thanks to ADDitude Magazine, I think of Martha Stewart who has made a fantastic name for herself as an American icon of business. In fact, as early as her teen years, she began showing her hand at being a business woman when she worked as a fashion model and in advertising.

Today she is the guru of homemaking and home décor. I don’t know of many women who dislike her style and elegance. Possibly a few resent her perfection, but it seems likely a majority of American woman drool each time they read her magazine or watch her on TV.

She is one of the richest women in America, and when I see her displays, I wonder how many employees worked ridiculously long hours creating and artistically styling holiday decorations both indoors and out-of-doors for the amazement of the audience. Obviously she can afford to hire it done.

For that reason, I resent the turmoil that takes place deep inside me whenever I read her magazine. In fact, the turmoil is so deep, I’ve stopped watching her on TV. I don’t even know if she still airs shows on TV.

I do know that a Martha presentation in my house would take extra hands to help me, and those hands are not available. Money isn’t always available, either.

Yes, Husband is multi-talented and has an eye for artistic arrangements. No, he is not willing to help when I come up with a project that requires his help.

After all, it is not his idea.

Is it ADD or personality, I always ask you and me? I give much of the credit to his oppositional defiance that is part of his ADD. If asked to do something that takes extra energy and effort, and if it is not his idea, he won’t take part.

He shows his stubbornness or purposely does a faulty job, both of which have hurt my feelings countless times.

In the days when I hosted every Christmas get-together for his family, I asked him to paint a small spot on the wall leading upstairs. It was an obvious patch job that had not been finished, and I had been asking him for weeks to get it done. OK, you are not surprised that my Husband with ADHD had not completed a task. When he finally did (about an hour before they arrived), he applied blue paint to a yellow wall. Even a person who is as color-blind as he is could see the startling contrast.

“You used BLUE paint?” I asked incredulously.

“Why not. It’s painted now, isn’t it? After all, it’s just my family.”

“It isn’t for your family, it’s for me,” I nearly screeched. “You were to complete that job because it means something to me.”

I think he walked away mumbling that had I wanted it yellow, I should have painted it myself. Good point.

Martha would have hung the perfect wreath on that same wall. I left the blue patch in hopes someone would comment on it.

Another Christmas, I purchased the materials for Husband to help me build a Barbie house for Oldest Daughter. We couldn’t afford one that was commercially made, and I wasn’t certain how to construct it.

“Why do you want to do something as silly as that? She doesn’t need a doll house.”

“Yes, she does. She plays with her Barbie dolls all the time. It merely needs to be opened on one side with two floors and a pitched roof. I have furniture for it.”

It ended up being hastily thrown together and not at all what I had designed. He painted it in the same blue.

So why I am writing about this? Along with resolving to avoid being Martha, I made another resolve: stop asking him to help with my projects. Of course, that is exactly what he wanted me to do, and it certainly makes for a less-frustrating marriage arrangement.

With the holidays upon us, I offer this advice to the spouse, and I point this mainly at wives, of a person with ADHD. You might need to lower your expectations this year. Stop drooling. Relax. If your spouse will not help with your holiday ideas, let them go, or modify them to your own time and skills. If your ADHD spouse likes projects, begin now for next year. Don’t wait until the last few days before the holidays for putting your ideas in motion.

I doubt even Martha Stewart does last-minute projects.

 

 

 

Did I Love Him?

Did I Love Him?

A Facebook friend posted a blog that has appealed to people all over the world. The writer, Pop Chassid, claims he only thought he loved his wife when they met, dated, and married. No so, he now claims, because at those times he was merely filled with emotion and inward fire. Since then, he has learned that he loves his wife through his actions. Throughout all major religions he has received a hearty endorsement for his words.

OK. Here’s mine.

I mean the man said it so well. Love is action.

When I met a handsome blonde boy/man in World Literature, I was immediately attracted to his humble ways and intelligence. Actually, I was drawn to his crude sense of humor.

I didn’t know it was more than a sense of humor; it was how he went through life gaining acceptance.

“Make ‘em laugh,” he thought, “They won’t make fun of me as quickly. People will like me for it and accept me. ”

“ Oh my gosh!” I heard myself respond to many of his remarks and stories. Other times I blushed scarlet.

He thought it meant I liked him, which really I did. But I didn’t love him

A few years later I sat across the table eating a meal with him as we hinted about the type of life we would form together and the marriage we would have. He liked the starry gaze in my eyes, and we both thought that we were in love.

Passion. Attraction. Strong positive feelings. We had those, but not real love.

It wasn’t until after we married that I truly began to really love him through my actions.

I told him about the love of God who accepts him at all times and in spite of  mistakes.

I praised him in front of people even though at home I observed weaknesses he hid from me during the courting years.

I helped to pay bills when he forgot to do so, or deliberately refused to pay them. I encouraged him through the moments of misery when financial decisions overwhelmed him.

I cleaned and tidied where he made numerous messes and continued to encourage him to learn better skills in that area.

I continually studied and learned about ADHD in order to understand his life past, present, and even plan for life future.

When he got sick, I made certain we sought the best and most appropriate doctor we could find in our community, and I attended his appointments to lend support.

But lest you think I was the only one doing the loving, he also loved through his own actions. He modeled it in front of our kids.

He encouraged me to pursue every dream I’ve had, especially my career and academic dreams.

Most importantly, he was there when I delivered each of our children and took them in his arms and helped to nurture them.

He went to work for us each day and sacrificed with me, so I could be a stay-home mom. Like me, he did not want our children to make that sacrifice.

He supports me in my business which he truly wants to succeed, and has helped me explore facets of ADHD exemplified through his personal experiences.

After 39 plus years, we have really loved each other time and again, and I am proud of us.

We are now in our Sexy Sixties as he likes to describe us, and I pray we have many more years to express our love actions.

Like today, he is coming to my office to take me to lunch because I have to work until 10 p.m.  I will be that late because I teach evening classes at a local university.  I love him by making certain I take on this extra work whenever it is offered.

Did I love when I married Husband? Compared to now, I didn’t know what love was all about. But I know now.

 

 

ADHD Eating and Exercising

Last week, one of Husband’s doctors ordered routine blood work. Then she phoned with a recommendation for him to see his primary physician.

High blood sugars. Low calcium. 

I still don’t quite know the implications of low calcium. I read what I could find on the Internet, but I don’t like what it says.

“What did the doctor say about the blood sugars?”  I asked this morning after Hubby saw his physician.

“He said all the cokes I drink and the apple juice are likely reasons why my sugars are so high.”

Like I didn’t know that, right? So I pressed onward. “Did he make a comment about the low calcium?”

“No, he ordered more blood work,” Husband said as he showed me the bandage on his arm and handed me the appointment card with a date three months from now.

I slid the card into his wallet, but I did make note the date in my personal planner.

Getting information from that man about important details is like pulling hens’ teeth.

At breakfast, which was really quite healthy, I continued. “So what should we do?”

He responded by asking me how often I check my own blood sugars, and I admitted I no longer bother with it. “So, my care plan is not your responsibility,” he said.

“In a way it is. I can help you remain accountable.”

I waited to hear him outline new life changes. He didn’t say it.

We know both of us could write a book on healthy eating and how to discipline eating habits. However, neither of us feels up to being a hypocrite about the issue.

“I visited a new exercise gym with Oldest Daughter yesterday. It’s noncritical, and I think we could use it three or four times per week. They have great treadmills,” I told him.

“What about the bikes? Do they have bikes?”

“Oh, yes, and they have many other choices in equipment. You know we are not going to ride or walk in our neighborhood. It isn’t the place to do so.”

He nodded. He didn’t make a firm commitment, but I interpreted the nod as a positive.

A more disciplined diet and an exercise schedule would benefit blood sugars, calcium deficiency, and ADHD. Frequent diet recommendations include: a high-protein diet, fewer simple carbohydrates and more complex carbohydrates, such as vegetables and some fruits, more omega-3 fatty acids, such as is in fish, walnuts, Brazil nuts, and olive and canola oil, or even in supplements.

“Do you think we really have a choice?”  I asked.

“No.” he simply replied.

I am merely laying this on the table. I’m just saying it. Our children will read this blog and use it as a justification to keep us accountable. Together. This is a together thing.

At McNay&Voth, our primary mission is to encourage and support all persons with ADHD.

We aspire to help adults realize and develop the skills they will need for moving forward in life. That would include knowing about eating and ADHD.

If you are an adult with ADHD and who struggles with life issues, we invite you to contact us THIS WEEK.

Set up an appointment for a free consultation. Reach us at www.coachadhd.com, or 316-655-9807.

We will help you set effective goals and build skills.

Because we care about you,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay & Voth Gateway Community

VBS 10 Months Early

“Hmmm, I guess they haven’t changed that sign for a while,” I mentioned to Husband as we drove past a neighborhood church.

“What sign do you mean?”

“The one on that church we just past. It says VBS June 9-14. Today is August 8.”

“What makes you think they haven’t changed it? Maybe they are 10 months early,”  he said with his characteristic smirk.

I took a few seconds to pause and ponder what he said. OK, this was one of his jokes.

“Oh, my goodness! I guess you are right. I always fail to think that far ahead, “ I teasingly agreed.

“I know. That’s because you aren’t blessed with ADHD.”

“True,  I ‘m not. I don’t think outside the boundaries like you do.”

“I concur. It’s part of my ADHD creativeness. I just see things from a different perspective than you and most people.” He said it with a stoic blank expression, but he couldn’t hold a straight face for long; he laughed at his own wit. 

I readily agreed with him again. He often thinks in totally different directions than I do. Maybe it’s a male v. female issue. Maybe it’s because he has a quicker sense of humor.

No, I think he was right. His ADHD processing skills gives him a completely different capacity and perception.

It’s inconsistent that he mentioned planning ahead. Here is the man who seldom plans 24-hours ahead other than for going to work or church.

“How peculiar that you would see it as planning ahead.”

I saw that familiar grin cross his face again.

“Well, yes. That’s because it wasn’t I who was doing the planning. I merely reacted to their planning.”

“Does that mean I shouldn’t get my hopes up that you have seen the advantage of planning ahead?”

“Who said they had the advantage for planning ahead? I am the excuse-maker. I know all the comments for justifications or explanations. It’s one of my ADHD talents.”

In essence he said, after all these years, don’t get hopeful that he has improved his planning skills, and as I think about it, I would be foolish to ask him to reinvent himself. He wouldn’t be himself.

If it’s a choice between planning ahead or being witty, I choose the latter. I certainly don’t want him to stop being clever. We’ve endured many months of depression when he looked at me with a blank affect or expression, and during which times he had little humor and didn’t even laugh at our humor. I choose his comic, off-handed comments any day over struggling, pushing, and upholding him while in the depths of despair and despondency.

“So” , I asked, “Are you telling me it is far better to justify an out-dated sign with the explanation that it is actually ahead rather than behind?”

“Sure. I learned that from Mother. When she didn’t get her Christmas cards mailed before December 24, she waited until the following April or May to mail them. Then she told people she was merely early with her cards for the next Christmas.”

You do know, don’t you, that ADHD has a strong genetic link?

 

 

 

Transferable Skills

For nearly two weeks, Husband stomped throughout the house complaining and even yelling because he had not heard from a potential employer.

“It’s been 10 days, and they said they would phone by now. I know the doctor didn’t find drugs in my system other than the meds I showed him. It’s my previous employer. They must have said something bad about me.”

Of course he said other words that I choose not to print here.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked in my calmest incredulous voice. “They can only verify that you once worked for them.”

Husband doesn’t even get speeding tickets, so he has no criminal record. I was potentially at-risk for one, though, as I thought about turning him over my knee to spank him.

“Give them time. The HR person may not be as anxious about you having a job as you are.” I said.

The crux of the matter is that with being retired, Husband was most ready to have some sort of part time employment.

As I said in my last blog, waiting to get this job nearly drove both of us to desperation.

Of course, within the symptoms of ADHD, what else is new?

But then the answer came that he wanted to hear.  If he could have kissed the feet of the man who hired him, he would have done so.

With the same mouth that cursed and doubted, he walked around the house praising Jesus for a positive answer to prayer.

Then the anxiety began.

“I have to read and understand this training manual. I need someone to demonstrate these responsibilities for me. What if I mess up?”

“What bothers you specifically? Can I help you as you study the manual?”

“Possibly that would help, but what do I know about this work?”

“You‘re expressing only negative thoughts. You would do well to think more positively thoughts. You are more than intelligent enough to do the work.”

I reminded him of his transferable skills, which are skills we learn in one area that we can use in another. Here are just a few of his transferable skills: results oriented, can meet the public, good computer skills, good hand skills, arrives at work on time, team player, and he can calculate and count money.

“I never thought of me in that way,” he said when I talked these skills and several others.

“I pray you won’t let the lay-off from three years ago cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities. It’s a matter of showing up each day and doing the routine. You can learn it easily. ”

Like many children and teens with ADHD, Husband often heard negative statements and questions that caused him to develop negative self-talk patterns: Why did (didn’t) you do that? Get your head out. Try harder. You are lazy (silly, stupid, a smart-aleck). The comments go on and on. As a person with ADHD who was diagnosed later in life, Husband demonstrates self-doubt and anxiety in many new situations because his self-confidence is quite low. He is convinced others will criticize him for the least little mistake, and he benefits from praise and encouragement more than a typical person.

So do most of us.

 

 

 

 

Life After Retirement

I was sitting at the kitchen table one morning in October, 2010, when I saw Husband walk up the sidewalk to the front door.

As he opened it, he saw the question written across my mute face.

“I got laid-off this morning. I am officially still employed until December, but I have too much proprietary information in my head. They walked me out to my van, and I cannot go back for my personal belongings until they call me.”

We had been expecting this type of news off and on for many years. After all, Husband worked for the aircraft industry, and over the years, many people have been laid off from aircraft.

This time, it was 700 workers who lost their jobs. Many had decades of experience as did Husband.

“I guess 36 years of loyalty didn’t mean much to them,” he complained.

“Let’s go out for breakfast,”  I suggested because I wanted to take advantage of the fact we could.

Throughout the meal and the ensuing long drive in country surrounding Wichita, he tried to put on a brave face.

It didn’t work well. “I am embarrassed that they walked me out.”

“Were you the only one?”

“No, several long-term employees, men and women, got walked to their vehicles.”

“Hmm, sounds like a compliment that all of you knew a lot about the business. It wasn’t directed only at you.”

Still it deeply hurt his feelings in a way not related to ADHD. Of course, ADHD didn’t help when it came to his recognizing that lay-offs are distributed without consideration of the individual employee or skills of practice. It was difficult for him to filter out the fact that the lay-off was not directed at him personally.

“I would like for you to help me in my office. I can’t pay a salary right now, but I can take you out to lunch each day, and you can help me grow my business.”  I suggested.

“What would I do? I don’t know your business.”

“You have excellent transferable office skills that would benefit us as we develop.”

He liked the part about going to lunch each day, but he didn’t like having to refocus his skills. He played Free Cell much of the time.

He officially retired and applied for Social Security. He felt a bit better that he still received income. I have to give him credit; he continued to look for employment that would not interfere with Social Security benefits. In the mean time, we spent much time together in a routine and structure created by my work and teaching activities. He had structure, exposure to light, and when he would walk with me, he exercised.

“I know what I’ll do, “ Husband told me a few weeks after the lay-off. “I’ll go back to school and earn certification in another field.”  He enrolled in online classes to begin his studies. I was proud of him for making a proactive decision.

It worked as long as my office remained at home where I could help establish structure and help him focus on his tasks. However, when I rented office space away from home where I could meet clients, his enthusiasm for online learning quickly dissipated.

He told his doctor he wanted nothing more to do with school. Maybe he would work in the kitchen at a local hospital. I attempted to discourage that choice. I know that his ADHD, impulsive comments, and quick temper would not be a good match for that type of environment.

His doctor suggested freelance writing. I groaned inwardly because I knew who would be writing the articles, and it wouldn’t be him.

In a way typically of persons with ADHD, he exploded with loud outbursts of temper and anger caused by his frustration. He applied for a job with the turnpike authority, and they called him back for an interview. They didn’t move quickly enough, though. Waiting to hear from them as to when he started the job nearly drove him to distraction and me to finding a different place to live. Finally, the storm calmed down when he began training for the new position.

As my dear friend remarked, “It’s a shot in the arm for him.”

Of course, when he lost his job, he lost part of his personal identity as do a majority of workers when they lose their jobs. It is a painful experience, but we are moving past it. Has it taken a long time, and does ADHD complicate the healing? Of course. The part we can walk away with stems from the fact that healing can happen, and life can continue after retirement or job loss.

 

 

 

Morning Has Broken

Several years ago, Husband rushed in from work with anticipated eagerness. Almost breathless, he asked, “Do you know the song Morning Has Broken?”

“I know one Cat Stevens sang in the early 1970’s. Why, what caused you to think about it?” 

“Do you know who wrote it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, it wasn’t Cat Stevens. It was a woman named Eleanor Farjeaon. She lived in England from 1881 to 1965.”

Then he began to sing:

Morning has broken, like the first morning; Blackbird has spoken,
like the first bird. Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

“So was she the wife or daughter of a pastor?”

“Both of her parents were Jewish by race and religion. She became a Catholic in her older years. On the Internet I learned that in 1931 an English vicar was collecting songs for a new edition of the hymnbook Songs of Praise. He asked her to write a poem to a traditional Gaelic tune. He wanted something about creation, but not necessarily did it have to be totally Christian."

“I recall being challenged to remember the words are not so much about creation as the Garden of Eden. But I see it as a praise song that is really appropriate for beginning the day. I thought it might have been written mostly for children,” I remarked. “When I graduated from college in 1972, one of the high school girls played her guitar and sang it to us at the church graduation breakfast. I attached the song to Cat Stevens. Being a traditionalist, I was shocked that she sang it at a church event. As I said, I’ve come to see it as a praise song although I wouldn’t want to see it in a hymnal. After all it talks about the beauty of the Garden, but it says nothing about the sins of Adam and Eve that got them kicked out of the garden.”

Undoubtedly I use too many words. Husband’s attention was on the mail as he hummed the tune.

But he looked up and said, “I was thinking about the tune this morning, so I looked it up. Part of the information said that the poem was published several years ago in a book of children’s poems. I see myself as a child thinking about the springtime. I think I would have liked this poem when I was a boy.”

Thinking about his love of nature and growing plants, I understood his interest in the poem and the picture words he could form in his mind. Knowing what we now do about his ADHD, we see the connection and explanation. Things of nature gave him a purpose and meaning to life that he often did not find in other activities. When I think of nature and new growth, I link the concept to values and hope. Possibly nature spurs on his sense of hope.

If you or a person with ADHD you know might benefit from a stronger sense of hope, we invite you to contact us at McNay & Voth. ADHD coaching will help you or your person set goals that are based on strengths and to create strategies that will effectively move you or your person along in daily living.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.com or phone 316-655-9807.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay & Voth Gateway Community

 

 

I'm Hungry

Per my usual Monday morning routine, today I woke early to post weekly grades and feedback for the college classes I teach online. I attempt to make as little noise possible so Husband can continue to sleep.

Who am I trying to kid? I really do not fear he is going to wake. As a matter of fact, I know he would sleep until nearly noon if I did not give him some incentive for waking and facing a new week.

It’s just how it is.

You might know how it feels to waken feeling empty.  Yesterday I ate very little, and this morning, my body kept saying “feed me.”  I continued to work and complete my morning goals as extensively as possible, knowing I should include Husband in breakfast plans.

Finally I went to our bedroom and said, “Get up so we can decide if I am taking you out to breakfast, or preparing breakfast here.”

I am rather certain the only words he heard were “I am taking you out to breakfast.”

He sat up without much prompting and hurriedly got dressed.

“I’m starving,” I told him.

He didn’t respond as he took his morning medications, and within minutes we were facing each other across the table at the restaurant.

We eat breakfast there so often, the waitresses know that I drink ice tea with lemon, and that he often orders it, too. It didn’t take our waitress long to place our order.

However, Husband thought it took an extremely long time for her to serve it. “I am starving and hungry,” he said with that constant flat expression in his eyes.

Where humor or other emotion once danced, these days nothing-much has taken their place.

I just looked at him. No response, no message on my face. I merely stared back at him.

“I know. It’s all about me, right?” he said.

I thought, “Had it not been for you, I would have eaten breakfast hours ago.”

Instead, I said, “I’m listening to you. I think your meal will be here shortly.”

In the meantime, we both tried not to listen to the man in the booth behind us. He talked about being cheated when he mowed lawns as a kid. He told the waitress that his sister could pay for his meal. He droned on and on about various jobs he’s held over the years, and they all seemed negative.

We discovered he was still single, and his sister and brother-in-law didn’t seem to like him much. He was not a pleasant experience.

The thought came to me, “He makes your handsome and refined Husband look pretty good, huh?”

I recalled how we spent Mother’s Day yesterday with our wonderful children. They are the children he helped me raise and the bright, witty adults who continue to bring joy and delight to my heart. They are his off-spring.

Sure, he seems rather selfish much of the time. I know that his ADHD might lead to further mental illness through depression or other break down in his brain. Yes, I will continue to provide incentives for him to awaken early enough to enjoy the day, and if means delaying when I breakfast, so he can sleep, I will likely do that, too.

In my own selfishness, I may continue to complain at times.