This Mother’s Survival Guide

If you’ve followed my blogs over the past couple of years, you know I try to insert as much humor as I can into the concept of living with ADHD.

It’s a fact that persons with ADHD can be funny and the situations that affect the family can be side-splitting hilarious. For instance I wrote about my daughter with ADHD who liked to pretend she was a mannequin, and how her impulsive actions or comments cause us to literally bend over with laughter.

I’ve also written numerous examples of how Hubby with ADHD thought and behaved totally outside the box in the earlier days of our marriage.

My soul still bears the marks and bruises of some of those actions.

But today I share another truth about ADHD in either yourself or your family member: the behaviors and symptoms associated with attention deficit often bring dilemmas and aches. One of my acquaintances calls them pain points.

Because of pain points and the daily struggles my readers face, I created a convenient mini course A Mother’s Survival Guide to ADHD.

In it I cover such topics as:

        ADHD’s long, credible history

        ADHD families suffer in silence

        Simplifying the stress

        Building positive behaviors

And several other practical topics

I endeavor to touch on some of the pain points families with ADHD encounter on a daily basis, and I offer solutions or remedies to help families find ways to alleviate the pain.

I hope to interact with you at one of your pain points and gift you with support and encouragement.

A few of the solutions I recommend include:

Learn the unique ways your family member brings color and texture to a linear world.

You can bring order to chaos and bring space to your life.

Parents and children can learn to be partners for successful behavior management.

You will hear me say such things as:

The first medical writings on symptoms similar to what we now know as ADHD began to appear in the late 1790’s in the works of Sir Alexander Crichton, a Scottish physician, when he described persons who are distracted from attending fully to a task or object.  Sir Crichton said “When born with (this set of behaviors) , it becomes evident at a very early period of life, and has a very bad effect, inasmuch as it renders him incapable of attending with constancy to any one object of education. But it seldom is in so great a degree as totally to impede all instruction”. 

Wise parents learn how to pick their battles and remain calm in escalating situations. Experienced parents learn to identify behavior triggers. Successful parents know that a sense of humor helps to defuse potentially explosive situations. It also helps parents maintain a positive perspective on the situation. Remember, sarcasm is not a form of communication.

These only touch the tip of the wealth of information that you will discover in the mini course, information I learned from both scholarly studies and from nearly one-half century of personal experience.

You can find it on our web page at www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html, and I invite you to take time now to obtain the course and to recommend it to friends with similar struggles.

If you have other questions, phone us at 316-655-9807316-655-9807 or 316-6557079.

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My Mannequin Daughter

“Where’s Baby Sis?” my Mother seemed in a panic. She worried about losing one of my children in the shopping mall every time we went shopping with her.

She referred to my youngest child, my beautiful, creative kid with ADHD, who was about seven years of age at the time.

“Don’t worry,” I assured Mom. “She’s right here.” I pointed to the mannequin display in the center of the wide mall hall.

“Where? I don’t see her.” Mother continued in her scared voice.

“Here,” I said as I walked over to the display and pointed to my child.

Mother began to laugh with relief and with totally surprised amusement. Baby Sis stood completely still, posed like the mannequin.

On the dais or raised platform, my skinny kid with long legs and huge green eyes had positioned herself with bent arms and legs to look like the figure with no head. She only moved her eyes a slight bit as people walked past her. Otherwise, she was perfectly still.

It would have been difficult for my hyper child to pose like that for any length of time, but she managed to do it.

This was not the first or last time she attempted such a trick, but each time I laughed as if I had not seen it before. I still laugh when I recall how she looked.

“Do you remember when Baby Sis would be the mannequin?” Oldest Daughter asked me a few days ago.

Then we both literally burst out in laughter.

“Oh, definitely! She bent her arms, twisted her neck and head, and stood there perfectly still. I would see other shoppers break out in giggles when they past her, but she never broke her stance.”

After nearly 25 years, we remember with delight the many antics this classic ADHD child thought of and acted out on impulse.

Oldest Daughter recalled the cholla cactus we brought home from New Mexico as we traveled in a small motor home. Husband dug it up from the side of the road and placed it in a huge bucket near the back of the vehicle. We cautioned our small child to stay away from the thorns, but the temptation was too great.

Two hours later we heard her scream loudly as she cried, “That sticker bit me!”

My older two children hollowed with laughter, and so did I after I made certain she was not injured badly.

“I told you not to touch it,” I reminded.

“But I wanted to see it,” she justified herself.

“Seeing and touching are two different things.”

“No, Mommy. I can’t see it without touching,” she explained in her most serious voice.

She assured me she had seen enough of the strange plant to last a lifetime.

Even now, Oldest Daughter said, “We knew it was a matter of time. Crown Prince and I were just waiting to see how long it would take her to get stuck with a thorn.” And then she laughed again with tears of amusement streaming down her cheeks.

“Her impulsivity led her to do some really interesting things,” I agreed.

“Still does,” remarked her sister. “She makes me laugh every time we are together.”

“She’s like your Dad in that regard. And she has it down to an art: quick comments that literally zing me. She does it with a straight face, just as he does.” I almost bragged.

“Yes,” agreed her sister. “Remember when we went tanning last weekend? My sister waited with me while you finished. I whispered that the girl at the counter seemed rather dull-witted. I mean she just did not come across as bright at all.”

“What did your sister say or do?”

“She turned toward me in a half-second, pulled her lips into that characteristic expression of disdain, and without missing a beat she made one of her comments.”

“Did I tell you MENSA has more than 50,000 members in the United States alone?” she asked seriously.

“I’ll tell you, Mom, I did not expect her to say something like that. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me laughing .”

If I had heard, I would have known Baby Sis said or did something impulsively.

 

 

 

VBS 10 Months Early

“Hmmm, I guess they haven’t changed that sign for a while,” I mentioned to Husband as we drove past a neighborhood church.

“What sign do you mean?”

“The one on that church we just past. It says VBS June 9-14. Today is August 8.”

“What makes you think they haven’t changed it? Maybe they are 10 months early,”  he said with his characteristic smirk.

I took a few seconds to pause and ponder what he said. OK, this was one of his jokes.

“Oh, my goodness! I guess you are right. I always fail to think that far ahead, “ I teasingly agreed.

“I know. That’s because you aren’t blessed with ADHD.”

“True,  I ‘m not. I don’t think outside the boundaries like you do.”

“I concur. It’s part of my ADHD creativeness. I just see things from a different perspective than you and most people.” He said it with a stoic blank expression, but he couldn’t hold a straight face for long; he laughed at his own wit. 

I readily agreed with him again. He often thinks in totally different directions than I do. Maybe it’s a male v. female issue. Maybe it’s because he has a quicker sense of humor.

No, I think he was right. His ADHD processing skills gives him a completely different capacity and perception.

It’s inconsistent that he mentioned planning ahead. Here is the man who seldom plans 24-hours ahead other than for going to work or church.

“How peculiar that you would see it as planning ahead.”

I saw that familiar grin cross his face again.

“Well, yes. That’s because it wasn’t I who was doing the planning. I merely reacted to their planning.”

“Does that mean I shouldn’t get my hopes up that you have seen the advantage of planning ahead?”

“Who said they had the advantage for planning ahead? I am the excuse-maker. I know all the comments for justifications or explanations. It’s one of my ADHD talents.”

In essence he said, after all these years, don’t get hopeful that he has improved his planning skills, and as I think about it, I would be foolish to ask him to reinvent himself. He wouldn’t be himself.

If it’s a choice between planning ahead or being witty, I choose the latter. I certainly don’t want him to stop being clever. We’ve endured many months of depression when he looked at me with a blank affect or expression, and during which times he had little humor and didn’t even laugh at our humor. I choose his comic, off-handed comments any day over struggling, pushing, and upholding him while in the depths of despair and despondency.

“So” , I asked, “Are you telling me it is far better to justify an out-dated sign with the explanation that it is actually ahead rather than behind?”

“Sure. I learned that from Mother. When she didn’t get her Christmas cards mailed before December 24, she waited until the following April or May to mail them. Then she told people she was merely early with her cards for the next Christmas.”

You do know, don’t you, that ADHD has a strong genetic link?

 

 

 

High School and ADHD

I am certain one of my close friends from high school days will read this blog. She continually supports our efforts and outreach to persons with ADHD. As a mother, she knows the challenges of raising a child with ADHD.

As a former teen, she also knows the challenges associated with the teen years. We’ve talked about those challenges that still haunt us after 40-plus years.

She will remember our vocal music teacher whom, in spite of her strictness and spinster ways, we loved to please.  She will also remember the red chiffon dresses with gathered skirts we wore for Southern Belles or the blue pleated dresses we wore for our madrigal ensemble. Both outfits looked really good on her tall, slim figure, but at the time, they were slightly out-of style; they made us self-conscious to wear them.

Whew! At times I still have nightmares that I am in high school classes where I am telling former teachers “But I have earned a Ph.D. I don’t need to be taking this test.”

Ridiculous, huh?  Maybe so, but thoughts of high school still disturbs adults, especially those with ADHD whether they graduated as recently as two or three years ago or as long as 40 years ago.

Hubby audibly groans when we talk about our high school experiences. Many of his memories are not pleasant as they involve his reactions and behaviors in high school situations.

He’s often told me about his favorite black cardigan sweater. He looked nice wearing it, he felt, and it offered a way for him to hide things about his body that he didn’t like. But wearing it every day from September through May was not so cool. “I overheard another student make a comment about me wearing it every day, and I was embarrassed and hurt. I didn’t realize it was a negative thing to do.”

Even more, he told me about his feelings of certain social isolation. You may think all teens experience a degree of being shelved socially, but it is even more of a problem for the teen with ADHD. Impulsive outbursts, moodiness, constantly failing to follow through, disorganization of time and space, being too loud will all call negative attention to the teen with ADHD, or will cause others not to want to be friends with him or her.

Subtle social information will pass by the teen with ADHD whose mind will be focused in several directions.  Truly teens require countless social skills such as talking, listening, sharing, being empathetic, that do not come naturally to the teen with ADD. 

“The hurtful memories involve knowing other kids were laughing behind my back or talking bad about me,” Hubby once said.

One young adult with ADHD told me, “I wanted to hang with friends younger than I am.” His experience is common for teens with ADHD. Social pressures and the expectations for mature growth overwhelm many teens with ADHD. As well, taking ADHD medications bothers teens. Another young man said, “I hated the meds because I was afraid people would find out about them and think I was a meth-head.”

Likely they would have wanted you to sell them a few of your pills, I said with my characteristic sarcasm. “Of course you would have gotten into legal trouble because you would have been accused of pushing drugs.”

Teens with ADHD miss important social cues or misinterpretation of others’ comments, and by doing have difficulty swimming through the unfamiliar waters of dating and romantic relationships.

Even in college, Hubby didn’t know how to evaluate the growth in our relationship, and it caused him confusion. Instead of stating those feelings directly to me, he said, “I feel like you are backing me up against a wall.”

I got tired of that comment real quickly.

While I gratefully acknowledge the awkward teen years are far behind us, I realize the fears and anxieties of those days will never be far away from us. They have taken a new shape in Hubby’s life as different co-existing mental health issues. I may remember the horror of musical ensemble outfits, but he remembers far greater anxiety and distress.

If you wish to discuss views on being a teen with ADHD, please contact us at McNay & Voth www,coachadhd.com or 316-655-9807, or feel free to make an appointment to visit our office at 240 N. Rock Road, Wichita, KS 27206,

 

Dr Atha McNay

McNay & Voth ADHD Services

 

 

Dance Like No One is Looking

Husband picked me at work about 8 P.M. last Tuesday, and I asked if he had eaten supper.

“No, I’m kinda hungry.” He has a way of rolling his eyes toward me when he hoping for an additional offer.

“So where would you like to go? I’ll take you out since you are driving for me.”

“Let’s just go over here to Jimmie’s Diner. It’s close, and they have pancakes.”

Pancakes have always been one of his favorite staples. I know he is not feeling well or is feeling depressed when he refuses pancakes.

This night he was in a more normal mood. Besides Jimmie’s has a long standing in our personal history. It used to be called Kings-X after Jimmie King.

Kings-X holds a vital role in Wichita’s dining history.  In 1938, King, a cook for the old White Castle Hamburgers, which also started in Wichita, bought several of White Castle stores and opened one of the finest hamburger, milk shake, and breakfast traditions ever seen in the city.

Forty years ago, Husband and I went to Kings-X for many breakfast dates where he ordered the five-star special including fried apples. I know he knows his pancakes. It suffices to say pancakes and Jimmie’s means much more to him than a simple and inexpensive breakfast meal.

Jimmie’s utilizes a 50’s theme where waitresses wear pony tails, poodle skirts, and when they can find them, saddle oxfords. The restaurant follows the Kings-X tradition of being a type of neighborhood place to eat.

Best of all they play pop tunes from the 40’s and 50’s.  Diners don’t even have to get out of their cars before they hear the blast of oldie tunes and rhythms such as Purple People Eater, Only You, and The Stroll to name only the first three that come to my mind.

This night, Husband’s eyes lit up as we pulled into the parking lane. He didn’t even wait to get out of the car before shaking his head and gyrating his shoulders. His blood was starting to pump, and I think he was tapping the pavement as soon as his toes touched it.

“Is it speaking to you?” I laughed.

He didn’t even respond. As I rounded the front of the car he was already striding into the building with his head slightly down and his feet crossing over each other in a Stroll. He moved his shoulders, arms, and hips in fluid motion in time with his feet.

He never minds that the entire world may be watching because he dances as if he is alone in the universe.

“That’s the man I know,” I encouraged as he smiled and winked. I’ve seen him dance in public many times, and even have pushed away when he grabbed me to dance with him in the aisle of a grocery or drugstore.

Happy moments like this don’t often crop up these days, but for a few minutes he reverted back to the young man I married, full of humor and ready to clown around.

Depression doesn’t often let him be that jovial person, but I consider it a blessing that for a short time that evening, he danced, enjoyed his pancakes, and remembered other instances of what went before. He was dancing as if no one was looking.

Learning Social Skills

“So I’ve been thinking about social skills for the person with ADHD,” I recently told Husband.

“Oh-h-h-?” he drew out the question. “And what about my social skills have you been thinking?”

“How did you know I was applying this to you?” I asked as innocently as possible.

“Yeah, right. You always bring it all back to me.”

“You provide such excellent examples. Well, to be honest, I was  thinking of the sweet story your Mother shared about you at age four.”

“You are NOT going to bring up the times I crapped my pants when I was playing?”

“Don’t be such a spoil-sport. Of course I am. Mother said you would be so engrossed in your play at the far end of the half-acre lot that when you realized you had to go, it was too late.”

“Don’t tell me. I remember.”

“She said she would see you make a mad dash toward the house with your little legs running as fast as possible. Then, you would stop and get that panic look across your face. She and I laughed at the thought of toddler you doing such a thing.”

“Not funny. And it wasn’t funny when she made me clean my own underwear.”

“Well, she had to teach you to become aware of your bathroom needs before she sent you to school the next year.”

“She should have taught me about the under-arm pads,” he mused into the distance.

“What does that mean?”

“Do you remember the deodorant that came on the round pads? I wore mine.”

“You WHAT?”

“In high school, I wore them. One day I told Mom that I didn’t like them. They didn’t stay in place all day.”

I bent over laughing as he continued, “She said ‘Honey, you’re not suppose to wear them. You apply the deodorant with them.’  I felt like a fool. Of course, throughout high school, I felt like a fool.”

“It saddens me to hear you say that.”

“It is true. I didn’t have problems making friends. I had problems keeping the right kind of friends. I couldn’t keep my smart comments to myself, and I was too emotional and moody. As you know, my low-self-esteem caused me to do stupid things just to feel like I fit in.”

“I fear readers will not believe how often our conversations actually do turn back to your poor self-esteem and social problems in your adolescence. It continues to haunt you, and I wish I had been a part of your life at that time, so I could have helped you.”

“That would have been a disaster. I think that you would have learned to dislike me, too.”

Persons with ADHD often experience social problems. In fact, it may be that up to 75% of them have abundant interpersonal problems.

If you are one of those persons, I invite you to contact McNay &Voth  ADHD Coaching Services. Allow us the opportunity to help you set new social goals and to develop new social skills. Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7558. We are waiting to help you.

 

 

Know Your ADHD

Many of you have heard the story of how I met Husband when we were students at Friends University in Wichita, KS.

One day in English literature class, he said to me, “What was this author trying to say? I didn’t understand this shit, and it made me nervous. So I stopped reading.”

Since I knew nothing about ADHD at that time, I attempted to enlighten him about the work in question. I swear his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.

Throughout the years, we have discussed how ADHD affected his ability in college.

I told him: “As early as the late 1790’s, a Scottish doctor, Sir Alexander Crichton, described the characteristics ADHD with words such as inattentiveness and restlessness, which he called ‘the fidgets.’ He noted that children with those behaviors were unable to pay attention in school and suggested these kids receive individual education interventions. What do you think of that piece of information?”

As he gazed into my eyes, Husband said, “Scottish, huh? I’m Scottish. Maybe it’s a national epidemic. I think I resemble his remarks.”

“Be serious; one thing has been born out by literally dozens of studies and empirical evidence. ADHD is a genetic-based condition that tends to run in families, which is strongly evidenced on certain genetic and DNA markers. It is complex. Neurotransmitters which serve to manage other networks are thought to not pass along messages through synaptic gaps.”

“So you are telling me I have gaps in my brain? I’ve known that forever.”

“You have lots of smarts. But in the early 1900’s Sir George Still of England talked about the symptoms as ‘moral control in the normal child’, and he referred to ‘control of action in conformity with the idea of the good for all.’ He said those children were emotionally volatile, aggressive, and they lacked of insight into the impact of their actions.”

“So what is this? What are you telling me? I lost you somewhere in all those words.”

“ADHD is a brain-functioning disorder with a highly social significance. Most persons with ADHD are quite intelligent, but the inattention process often impedes learning or academics. Like you were in our English lit class.”

“Yes. By the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what it said at the first of it.”

Are you or a family member a person with ADHD? Researchers today don’t always agree on the cause of the disorder. However, the effects they agree on; it is a series of symptoms involving inattention, impulsivity, possibly hyperactivity, or a combination of any of these. Often we hear the terms Executive Function and frontal lobe associated with ADHD.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching, we know how ADHD affects lives of persons and their families. We offer coaching for the person with ADHD, and we help family understand the disorder.

Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or phone us at 316-771-7557.

Transforming Love and Candor

I have found a long-lost acquaintance on Facebook, and the delightful part is seeing her stepson, Bobby, in photos across the page.

Bobby is a man with Down Syndrome who often visited the Sunday Bible Class we taught for many years. Seeing his picture brings to mind the joy and fulfillment we experienced working with that wonderful group of adults.

Did I mention they were adults with various disabilities, especially what we called Developmental Disabilities?

That means they were at various levels of mental retardation or delay.

I told Husband, “You should see Bobby’s picture. He looks like a version of his Dad.”

“How do you remember those people and their names? I can barely connect Bobby to his Dad, and that is because I knew his Dad’s cousin, Roy.”

“It’s a curse, really. Although there are times when I have to tell people I remember their faces, but not their names.”

“That was a long time ago,” Husband said, taking me back to the original conversation.

“Wasn’t it great?”

“Well, sort of. At least it was for you.”

I looked him straight in the eye. “Those men and women really loved and respected you. They can remember your name much faster than mine, and I was the actual teacher. I did most of the work.”

“Well, yeah, I guess it was my charm.”

“I am convinced it was the way you treated them. You were genuine with them.”

“You were genuine. You really loved that work.”

“Yes, I still love the thought of those guys.”

Husband stared at me. “Can I, can I , can I t-t-t tell you something?” We both laughed because Pat, a member of the class always began his conversation with that phrase.

“Seriously, I want to tell you something. Sometimes I resented those people. It took 15 functioning adults to make one of them look independent. As normal as possible.” He added that last phrase in a mocking tone.

I contemplated that for a while. “Yes, it did, but it didn’t hurt us. Look what God did through us in that class.”

I began to call names, ”Don, Carrie, Dwain, who married Michele, that Campbell girl whose first name escapes me. Lisa, Lisa Campbell. All of them are now deceased, and all went into eternity knowing the God who loved them.”

Husband remembered them all, “What was it Don told you about coming to Sunday School? You asked him if he liked coming and staying for worship.”

“Don said he liked hearing that God loved him. ‘I never knewed that before.’ And he didn’t because he had been abused and exploited. We were there when he prayed to receive Christ.”

As I looked at Husband, I said, “And you were part of it with your matter-of-fact way of working with them.  They loved you for being you with them.”

Husband reflected on our conversation for a few minutes. “It is like you always say. Those people are more like you and me than different from us.”

I recalled a time when we visited one of the group homes, and I began to laugh.

“Do you remember when you walked into the TV room where Rick and some of the guys were watching a movie?” I asked.

“Yes, I remember! It was filthy with all sorts of half-naked women running around with their butts hanging out of their swimsuits. I told those guys they should change the channel. That movie was not good for them to watch.”

“Well, your final comment to them demonstrated what I mean about your matter-of-fact way of being around those people. Rick said, ‘But we like it.’”

Husband turned a bit red. “Oh, yeah. Afterwards I was afraid my flippant remark would cause trouble.”

By this time I was laughing again at Husband’s bluntness.

Yeah, you said, “What do you know? You’re retarded.”

In the Brain, Out the Mouth

Sunday, Husband had the rare privilege of attending church with Crown Prince, who was home on vacation.

“Dad is going to church with you tomorrow,” I told, rather than asked. Sure, our son is a man 33 years of age who has live 1800 miles away for over four years. I agree he is independent and capable, and usually I ask if either his Dad or I can thrust ourselves into one of his social events.  But this time, I made a direct statement.

“Uh, sure,” was our son’s dutiful reply. He rolled his eyes at me and asked, “What if he says something?”

“Like what? What do you mean by saying something?” I grinned

“Come on, Mom.  You of all people know exactly what I mean.”

With my most serious expression and voice, I answered, “I find it difficult to imagine what you are talking about. But if he makes a comment, then let him say it. He won’t hurt anyone or be obnoxious.”

“Well, not intentionally. But he often says things or blurts out comments, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings asking him to hush.”

Husband was eagerly enthusiastic to attend worship with his son. As far as I was concerned, that was the end of the conversation.

That is, it was the end until my guys got home from church.

Shortly after lunch, Husband began reporting on the morning’s events.

“No kidding. They have this woman on their music team, and you should have seen her.” Using his hands to gesture about three feet apart, he continued, “And her ass was this broad. I mean broad and in all directions. She could barely climb the short two steps to the platform.”

I merely waited to hear the type of comment he made.

“And I said, ‘Oh, my!’ as I saw her bouncing down the aisle past us and struggling to get to the stool they placed for her to sit on. Fortunately, it wasn’t something she needed to hoist herself on. She only had to sit down.”

He paused and frowned, “Our son told me to hush, but I told him I wasn’t mocking her.  I was just startled to see her size pass by me. Who I am to make fun of any fat person? Son told me people could hear me.”

“I didn’t know I said it that loudly.” He looked toward the floor with a genuinely remorseful expression. “I didn’t mean to embarrass him.”

I smiled inwardly thinking of the numerous times Husband has publicly blurted out comments or reactions to someone or something, and most of them were basically knee-jerk reactions. He’s correct; he usually doesn’t intend to hurt or humiliate anyone.

I laughed again at a memory from our early-dating days. As we sat in the theatre waiting for a movie to begin, a rather large individual walked up the aisle. The lady really did seem to fill the entire aisle, and I think my boyfriend was self-conscious for her. He himself had been following the Weight Watchers program for about two months losing a remarkable number of pounds. He felt like he needed to defend huge and obese people.

Turning to me, he said in a rather loud voice, “Bet she’s heading for the concession area.”

“Be quiet. People will hear you.”

“I’m only saying what they are thinking. I know; they think that about me.”

He was correct; shortly she passed by us again with a tray of soft drinks and snacks.

He gave me the knowing look. Without dropping the volume, he said, “Isn’t Weight Watchers won-der-ful?”

Years later, our son expressed it well. I, of all people, did know exactly what he meant.