In Honor of the ADHD Man on Father’s Day

This week offered another delightful opportunity for an interview on the Brett and Sierra Show, and we used it to talk about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

As Brett began the discussion, he asked, “How can the man with ADHD get those pesky irritating chores done without distraction or procrastination?”

First of all, the partner or spouse should avoid nagging him. Nagging does not help. Procrastination is problematic, and it is often an issue of time management.  Time management belongs to the area of organization, and mental disorganization is often common among men with ADHD. How we organize is personal, from our own inward way of looking at the issue.

Click to watch Dr. Atha talking with Brett and Sierra about men with ADHD!

The man with ADHD procrastinates because the task or chore does not warrant how he wants to spend his time.  When the motivation is strong enough, he will spend his time on it. I should go ahead and say that many men with ADHD do not procrastinate, especially at their jobs, because their own self image is tied to their careers.

Sierra then asked: “Why can it take longer for the man with ADHD to get into a project, not to mention  getting it even half-way completed?"  As an answer, I suggest that many men with ADHD have it all figured out in their minds how they want the finished project to look or how it should come together.  They have pictured it as a perfectly completed project. As they work on it and find they are not doing it perfectly, they become frustrated.

We can also place the blame on the twins Distractibility and Executive Function Challenges. I recommend that tasks and chores be broken into doable, bite-size portions where they will not seem overwhelming. The chore has to be done in stages anyway, so use that to advantage.  When the man finishes a small task or even one that is larger, he can be spurred onward by the feeling of success.

When interruptions  distract the ADHD man from a task, he can hold on to a physical artifact to remind him of what he was doing.  It will focus his attention more quickly, and help him return to the task. For example, a hammer in hand may remind him that he was working on a broken gate before he got interrupted.

The man with ADHD himself may also ask: “How can the person with ADHD deal with boring tasks or chores?”  It is important to see the significance in the chore such as cleaning the garage or changing oil in the car.  One man links a seemingly insignificant chore with time to listen to his favorite music. His busy work schedule allows little time for his music, but by choosing a couple of chores each week, he schedules a date with his music and headphones, and meets two goals in one setting. The beauty of music is good for the brain, helps lower blood pressure, and provides a super background companion.

Another man might ask: “What make good incentives to begin and complete a task?” The answer to that will be most personal. The tiniest thing can be a huge incentive to complete a sizeable task. “I’ll treat myself to a favorite snack when I get this done, “ one man might say. Another’s wife offered tickets to a baseball game when he completed a much-needed house repair. Of course an incentive can be huge if the task is highly important. One person promised himself a new motor home if he got his tax information to the account before the deadline.  Needless to say, he had been wanting a motor home for several months, so it worked well for him to link it to getting his taxes done. 


For more about men with ADHD or to view this interview, follow the link above or visit our website, coachadhd.com.

Turn in Your Homework

Today I came across an old photo of Crown Prince, our only son. I seldom write about him in the blog on ADHD, but occasionally it seems quite appropriate to at least mention his name.

Only this time I want to do more than mere name reference.

In the picture a most serious little face stares back at me through large glasses. Because he was small for his age, the 11 year old boy appears to be quite younger, at least in the photo. In real life, he seemed much older, especially when comparing his functioning to his size.

Teachers often bragged about his quick ability to learn and his quest for knowledge. Lest he become arrogant or proud of his intelligence, his Grandfather loving reminded him, “Remember son, wherever you go in life, you will always meet someone who knows more than you do about some subject.”

“Yes, sir, Grandpa,” my son wisely replied.

Yet, even though he learned quickly and retained a huge amount of information, his school report card didn’t always reflect it. Whenever I saw grades of C on his card, I was alarmed. It meant he had not been completing assignments.

So, being a prudent mom, off I would march to the elementary school.

I remember one particular conversation with Mr. Rick, one of the teachers in the gifted program at that school.

“I wanted to touch base with you about my son’s math grade. What’s been going on with him that he only earned a C this quarter?”

“He’s a great kid and pretty sharp in math,” Mr. Rick countered.

“I’m aware of that, so why didn’t he earn a higher grade?”

“He doesn’t turn in his daily assignments. He does really well during class discussions and on tests, but the grade reflects his assignments.”

“You mean he doesn’t do them?”

“Oh, I see him working on them, but he doesn’t turn them in as I have directed.”

“Which is what?”

“Put his name on the paper and place it in the assignment basket on the counter. Many of his assignments are missing. I record assignments daily, and I will ask about them. Your son says he’s done them, but still fails to turn them in.”

“Can you ask the school secretary to send my son to your classroom while I am here?”

In a few minutes my precious child was standing in Mr. Rick’s class with his eyes wide and a frightened expression on his face.

“Mom! What are you doing here?”

“Hello to you, too. I wanted to know why you only earned a C in math this quarter. I thought you were handling the concepts rather well.”

“Sure, I get it.”

“Well, Mr. Rick says you’re not getting the part where you turn in your assignment.”

“I turn them in. I always finish my work.”

“I’ve asked you several days in a row to turn in your assignments. You didn’t do it,” his teacher countered.

Before my son could argue, I asked him to pull all papers out of his math notebook.

“Bingo! I see at least seven assignment papers,” I exclaimed.

My son’s face turned crimson as he stammered some sort of excuse. I didn’t even waste the time in my mind to listen. I was too busy looking for additional assignments which I found buried in a stack of drawings of airplanes and other mechanical illustrations.

“So, I think you should be following your teacher’s process for turning in these assignments. At your age, he shouldn’t have to chase them down from you.”

“Yes, Momma.” I have to admit, the way he said those words melted my heart.

Later Husband recalled that his teachers had him clean and search his desk every Friday for late assignments and throw-away trash.

A major difference was that my son is not a person with ADHD.

The similarity is that my son lost focus and became disorganized with his math.

That was the only year I made the effort to check regularly on my child’s math assignments. After that, I allowed him to learn from the consequences. Today he has earned two Masters degrees and controls his responsibilities well.

The scene plays out many times in the lives of students with ADHD in middle school and high school. Parents and teachers struggle as they attempt to lead these students to complete homework and turn it in. Students get frustrated as they battle disorganization and the nagging adults.

It can become a matter of finding and using the right incentive with the student. Coaching lends a hand when it comes to remaining on focus.  At McNay & Voth ADHD services, we help parents and student find those incentives.

 

 

 

 

 

My Mannequin Daughter

“Where’s Baby Sis?” my Mother seemed in a panic. She worried about losing one of my children in the shopping mall every time we went shopping with her.

She referred to my youngest child, my beautiful, creative kid with ADHD, who was about seven years of age at the time.

“Don’t worry,” I assured Mom. “She’s right here.” I pointed to the mannequin display in the center of the wide mall hall.

“Where? I don’t see her.” Mother continued in her scared voice.

“Here,” I said as I walked over to the display and pointed to my child.

Mother began to laugh with relief and with totally surprised amusement. Baby Sis stood completely still, posed like the mannequin.

On the dais or raised platform, my skinny kid with long legs and huge green eyes had positioned herself with bent arms and legs to look like the figure with no head. She only moved her eyes a slight bit as people walked past her. Otherwise, she was perfectly still.

It would have been difficult for my hyper child to pose like that for any length of time, but she managed to do it.

This was not the first or last time she attempted such a trick, but each time I laughed as if I had not seen it before. I still laugh when I recall how she looked.

“Do you remember when Baby Sis would be the mannequin?” Oldest Daughter asked me a few days ago.

Then we both literally burst out in laughter.

“Oh, definitely! She bent her arms, twisted her neck and head, and stood there perfectly still. I would see other shoppers break out in giggles when they past her, but she never broke her stance.”

After nearly 25 years, we remember with delight the many antics this classic ADHD child thought of and acted out on impulse.

Oldest Daughter recalled the cholla cactus we brought home from New Mexico as we traveled in a small motor home. Husband dug it up from the side of the road and placed it in a huge bucket near the back of the vehicle. We cautioned our small child to stay away from the thorns, but the temptation was too great.

Two hours later we heard her scream loudly as she cried, “That sticker bit me!”

My older two children hollowed with laughter, and so did I after I made certain she was not injured badly.

“I told you not to touch it,” I reminded.

“But I wanted to see it,” she justified herself.

“Seeing and touching are two different things.”

“No, Mommy. I can’t see it without touching,” she explained in her most serious voice.

She assured me she had seen enough of the strange plant to last a lifetime.

Even now, Oldest Daughter said, “We knew it was a matter of time. Crown Prince and I were just waiting to see how long it would take her to get stuck with a thorn.” And then she laughed again with tears of amusement streaming down her cheeks.

“Her impulsivity led her to do some really interesting things,” I agreed.

“Still does,” remarked her sister. “She makes me laugh every time we are together.”

“She’s like your Dad in that regard. And she has it down to an art: quick comments that literally zing me. She does it with a straight face, just as he does.” I almost bragged.

“Yes,” agreed her sister. “Remember when we went tanning last weekend? My sister waited with me while you finished. I whispered that the girl at the counter seemed rather dull-witted. I mean she just did not come across as bright at all.”

“What did your sister say or do?”

“She turned toward me in a half-second, pulled her lips into that characteristic expression of disdain, and without missing a beat she made one of her comments.”

“Did I tell you MENSA has more than 50,000 members in the United States alone?” she asked seriously.

“I’ll tell you, Mom, I did not expect her to say something like that. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me laughing .”

If I had heard, I would have known Baby Sis said or did something impulsively.

 

 

 

Did I Love Him?

Did I Love Him?

A Facebook friend posted a blog that has appealed to people all over the world. The writer, Pop Chassid, claims he only thought he loved his wife when they met, dated, and married. No so, he now claims, because at those times he was merely filled with emotion and inward fire. Since then, he has learned that he loves his wife through his actions. Throughout all major religions he has received a hearty endorsement for his words.

OK. Here’s mine.

I mean the man said it so well. Love is action.

When I met a handsome blonde boy/man in World Literature, I was immediately attracted to his humble ways and intelligence. Actually, I was drawn to his crude sense of humor.

I didn’t know it was more than a sense of humor; it was how he went through life gaining acceptance.

“Make ‘em laugh,” he thought, “They won’t make fun of me as quickly. People will like me for it and accept me. ”

“ Oh my gosh!” I heard myself respond to many of his remarks and stories. Other times I blushed scarlet.

He thought it meant I liked him, which really I did. But I didn’t love him

A few years later I sat across the table eating a meal with him as we hinted about the type of life we would form together and the marriage we would have. He liked the starry gaze in my eyes, and we both thought that we were in love.

Passion. Attraction. Strong positive feelings. We had those, but not real love.

It wasn’t until after we married that I truly began to really love him through my actions.

I told him about the love of God who accepts him at all times and in spite of  mistakes.

I praised him in front of people even though at home I observed weaknesses he hid from me during the courting years.

I helped to pay bills when he forgot to do so, or deliberately refused to pay them. I encouraged him through the moments of misery when financial decisions overwhelmed him.

I cleaned and tidied where he made numerous messes and continued to encourage him to learn better skills in that area.

I continually studied and learned about ADHD in order to understand his life past, present, and even plan for life future.

When he got sick, I made certain we sought the best and most appropriate doctor we could find in our community, and I attended his appointments to lend support.

But lest you think I was the only one doing the loving, he also loved through his own actions. He modeled it in front of our kids.

He encouraged me to pursue every dream I’ve had, especially my career and academic dreams.

Most importantly, he was there when I delivered each of our children and took them in his arms and helped to nurture them.

He went to work for us each day and sacrificed with me, so I could be a stay-home mom. Like me, he did not want our children to make that sacrifice.

He supports me in my business which he truly wants to succeed, and has helped me explore facets of ADHD exemplified through his personal experiences.

After 39 plus years, we have really loved each other time and again, and I am proud of us.

We are now in our Sexy Sixties as he likes to describe us, and I pray we have many more years to express our love actions.

Like today, he is coming to my office to take me to lunch because I have to work until 10 p.m.  I will be that late because I teach evening classes at a local university.  I love him by making certain I take on this extra work whenever it is offered.

Did I love when I married Husband? Compared to now, I didn’t know what love was all about. But I know now.

 

 

The Sleepiness of It All

A colleague said: “Sure teens with ADHD like to sleep 11 or 12 hours. So do my own kids.”

“So does my husband,” I retorted. “Does that make him a kid?”

Maybe not, but it does make him a person with ADHD who has sleep problems.

For a long time now, ADHD has been linked to sleep difficulties. Actually I’ve heard that as many as 55 percent of person with ADHD complain of some sort of sleep problems.

For Husband that means he wears an apnea mask, and like many people with ADHD, he often has restless leg actions and jerky movements in his sleep.

Personally, I appreciate the apnea mask. I can actually get a quieter night’s sleep. Before he got it, his snoring kept me awake or on edge each night. The sound often caused me to dream I was driving a truck.

Seriously.

I appreciate the mask for him, though, more than I do for me.

He sleeps better. A rested Husband is less sluggish and moody. Some days, he is even more clever, witty, and funny.  It is well-known that sleep problems can lead to mood disorders and intellectual impairment. Treating sleep problems in children and adults with ADHD may improve symptoms and quality of life.

In the early days of our marriage, I noticed he slept with his lips tightly together. “How come? I mean you don’t snore or drool or anything.”

“I work at not snoring. My Dad snores,and it’s terrible. He also has the worst breath when he sleeps.” 

Honestly, I really didn’t want to hear this about my Father-in-law.

Husband went on to say, “I once asked Mom: can you imagine sleeping with that noise and breath all the time? She got this hurt look on her face. ‘Yes, I can’ she said.  I thought oops, that was the wrong thing to say to her. But I don’t want to be like Dad.”

Of course, as I mentioned, Husband got over his resolve not to snore. Our children used to complain about his loud snoring as he once did about his Dad’s.

“The worst thing about your sleep problems is how they affect your daytime functioning,” I once told him.

“What do you mean?” he said as he looked at me with a drowsy expression.

“The defense rests,” I retorted.

“But I want to tell you, I continued, “Some researchers think ADHD symptoms are caused by sleep deficiency. I know there is a link between sleep problems and ADHD, but I don’t see that sleep problems cause your ADHD symptoms. I think it may be the opposite.”

“Me, too. I used to wet the bed until I was 12 or 13. Maybe that was part of the restlessness.”

“I thought you were going to say one of your smart-aleck comments and say you wet the bed until you were 20 or 21.”

“Well, you know that I can say some really clever things.”

In case you or a loved one is a person with ADHD who has sleep difficulties, I recommend you see your physician or psychiatrist with a description of your sleep problems and a discussion of sleep hygiene.

If you are a person with ADHD, and you experience any type of problem associated with ADHD, we invite you to visit McNay & Voth.

We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.com or phone 316-655-9807.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay & Voth Gateway Community

My Daughter and ADHD

The joy of the holiday included a visit from Baby Sis and her hubby who graced us by spending the weekend at our house.

She is my offspring with ADHD, and we often talk about how the disorder manifests differently in females than males.

For one thing, females with ADHD are more likely to experience increased psychological distress and feel a lower self-image than males with the disorder.

Baby Sis and I want to conduct studies on females with ADHD. Knowledge about how the disorder in females in limited, and we want to be among those who conduct additional studies.

Additionally, we want to write a series of short stories that show how ADHD manifests or impacts lives of girls, female teens, and women across a lifespan. Baby Sis and I collaborate to lace the lines of our stories with real-life incidents and reactions.

This morning Baby Sis said, “At this point of the story, I would have worried for hours about the people who died in a tornado. Do you remember when I told you that I do not want to die in a tornado? I told you that if I did die in a tornado, I wanted you to buy me a pink casket.  By the way you reacted, I was certain my comment annoyed you.”

Just the thought of my young child being afraid and asking for a pink casket continues to take my breath away. “I wasn’t annoyed. I was fearful. I couldn’t wrap my mind around losing you, even though several mothers lost their precious babies in last week’s tornado. It wasn’t you that bothered me.”

She said, “But you see in my young mind and with the sensitivity I have owing to my ADHD, I didn’t realize it wasn’t me. To me, everything was due to me.  I didn’t understand my insecurity or overt sensitivity, and I still am not certain that I do.”

In the past, ADHD has been considered a disorder affecting only boys and males. Young females or girls are often overlooked when it comes to a diagnosis. Often females, namely mothers, come to recognize their own ADHD symptoms as a result of having their children diagnosed with it. As the woman learns more about ADHD, she begins to see similar patterns in her own behavior.

In the story we worked on this morning, Baby Sis shared about the rejection she perceived from her Kindergarten teacher. The frustration from believing her teacher picked on her has haunted her for 25 years. She continues not to comprehend why this teacher was so harsh with her.

 “One outfit you bought me had pantaloons sewn into the waist of the dress, but my teacher wouldn’t let me hang by knees from the monkey bars. She said I was showing my panties. She was always worried about my panties.”

“Yes,” I remembered, “She called me in one morning to talk about the fact you tucked your hands in your panties. She accused you of something rude.”

Baby Sis laughed, “So you had me wear shorts or jeans to school each day, and when I couldn’t play with the elastic on my panties, I got into trouble for going to the bathroom too often. I remember how bored I got. The walk across the hall to the bathroom was just enough to get the wiggles out.”

It was one of those incidents I could have lived many years more without knowing about it.

 

Dance Like No One is Looking

Husband picked me at work about 8 P.M. last Tuesday, and I asked if he had eaten supper.

“No, I’m kinda hungry.” He has a way of rolling his eyes toward me when he hoping for an additional offer.

“So where would you like to go? I’ll take you out since you are driving for me.”

“Let’s just go over here to Jimmie’s Diner. It’s close, and they have pancakes.”

Pancakes have always been one of his favorite staples. I know he is not feeling well or is feeling depressed when he refuses pancakes.

This night he was in a more normal mood. Besides Jimmie’s has a long standing in our personal history. It used to be called Kings-X after Jimmie King.

Kings-X holds a vital role in Wichita’s dining history.  In 1938, King, a cook for the old White Castle Hamburgers, which also started in Wichita, bought several of White Castle stores and opened one of the finest hamburger, milk shake, and breakfast traditions ever seen in the city.

Forty years ago, Husband and I went to Kings-X for many breakfast dates where he ordered the five-star special including fried apples. I know he knows his pancakes. It suffices to say pancakes and Jimmie’s means much more to him than a simple and inexpensive breakfast meal.

Jimmie’s utilizes a 50’s theme where waitresses wear pony tails, poodle skirts, and when they can find them, saddle oxfords. The restaurant follows the Kings-X tradition of being a type of neighborhood place to eat.

Best of all they play pop tunes from the 40’s and 50’s.  Diners don’t even have to get out of their cars before they hear the blast of oldie tunes and rhythms such as Purple People Eater, Only You, and The Stroll to name only the first three that come to my mind.

This night, Husband’s eyes lit up as we pulled into the parking lane. He didn’t even wait to get out of the car before shaking his head and gyrating his shoulders. His blood was starting to pump, and I think he was tapping the pavement as soon as his toes touched it.

“Is it speaking to you?” I laughed.

He didn’t even respond. As I rounded the front of the car he was already striding into the building with his head slightly down and his feet crossing over each other in a Stroll. He moved his shoulders, arms, and hips in fluid motion in time with his feet.

He never minds that the entire world may be watching because he dances as if he is alone in the universe.

“That’s the man I know,” I encouraged as he smiled and winked. I’ve seen him dance in public many times, and even have pushed away when he grabbed me to dance with him in the aisle of a grocery or drugstore.

Happy moments like this don’t often crop up these days, but for a few minutes he reverted back to the young man I married, full of humor and ready to clown around.

Depression doesn’t often let him be that jovial person, but I consider it a blessing that for a short time that evening, he danced, enjoyed his pancakes, and remembered other instances of what went before. He was dancing as if no one was looking.