Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

In Honor of the ADHD Man on Father’s Day

This week offered another delightful opportunity for an interview on the Brett and Sierra Show, and we used it to talk about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

As Brett began the discussion, he asked, “How can the man with ADHD get those pesky irritating chores done without distraction or procrastination?”

First of all, the partner or spouse should avoid nagging him. Nagging does not help. Procrastination is problematic, and it is often an issue of time management.  Time management belongs to the area of organization, and mental disorganization is often common among men with ADHD. How we organize is personal, from our own inward way of looking at the issue.

Click to watch Dr. Atha talking with Brett and Sierra about men with ADHD!

The man with ADHD procrastinates because the task or chore does not warrant how he wants to spend his time.  When the motivation is strong enough, he will spend his time on it. I should go ahead and say that many men with ADHD do not procrastinate, especially at their jobs, because their own self image is tied to their careers.

Sierra then asked: “Why can it take longer for the man with ADHD to get into a project, not to mention  getting it even half-way completed?"  As an answer, I suggest that many men with ADHD have it all figured out in their minds how they want the finished project to look or how it should come together.  They have pictured it as a perfectly completed project. As they work on it and find they are not doing it perfectly, they become frustrated.

We can also place the blame on the twins Distractibility and Executive Function Challenges. I recommend that tasks and chores be broken into doable, bite-size portions where they will not seem overwhelming. The chore has to be done in stages anyway, so use that to advantage.  When the man finishes a small task or even one that is larger, he can be spurred onward by the feeling of success.

When interruptions  distract the ADHD man from a task, he can hold on to a physical artifact to remind him of what he was doing.  It will focus his attention more quickly, and help him return to the task. For example, a hammer in hand may remind him that he was working on a broken gate before he got interrupted.

The man with ADHD himself may also ask: “How can the person with ADHD deal with boring tasks or chores?”  It is important to see the significance in the chore such as cleaning the garage or changing oil in the car.  One man links a seemingly insignificant chore with time to listen to his favorite music. His busy work schedule allows little time for his music, but by choosing a couple of chores each week, he schedules a date with his music and headphones, and meets two goals in one setting. The beauty of music is good for the brain, helps lower blood pressure, and provides a super background companion.

Another man might ask: “What make good incentives to begin and complete a task?” The answer to that will be most personal. The tiniest thing can be a huge incentive to complete a sizeable task. “I’ll treat myself to a favorite snack when I get this done, “ one man might say. Another’s wife offered tickets to a baseball game when he completed a much-needed house repair. Of course an incentive can be huge if the task is highly important. One person promised himself a new motor home if he got his tax information to the account before the deadline.  Needless to say, he had been wanting a motor home for several months, so it worked well for him to link it to getting his taxes done. 


For more about men with ADHD or to view this interview, follow the link above or visit our website, coachadhd.com.

Woman in Battle

Our nation sets aside Memorial Day as the one official holiday to honor citizens, men and women, who served and died during war. When I was a child, we called it Decoration Day when folks put flowers on the graves of dead loved ones.

Today I use Memorial Day to lay verbal flowers at the feet of one particular citizen who fought in a unique war: Husband’s Grandmother, June Lutz.

Grandmother June is my hero for many reasons, but mainly for the 52 years she was wife to Grandpa Roy, a man with ADHD. Keep in mind that Grandpa was never officially diagnosed with the disorder; it wasn’t officially recognized while he was alive. However, I KNOW, I just know that he is one of the genetic reasons Husband is a person with ADHD.  It explains why Roy was who he was.

June told me she was enamored with Roy while a teen. She loved his mother for the same type of creative and unconventional behaviors she loved in Roy. When she was 18 years old, she married him, and I consider that the day she went to war.

Roy was creative, funny, and hilariously socially inappropriate at times. Whenever he made off-color remarks, June shrieked “Roy!!”, and we all laughed until the tears came.  It encouraged him to keep it up.

He also could be kind-hearted, generous, and loving which is one reason his three daughters adored him. But he had a problem for many years; he self-medicated with alcohol. He claimed he drank because of the pain of osteoarthritis in his legs, but I suggest there was more to it. When drunk, he was mean, and June and his daughters carefully skirted around the landmines of his anger and surliness.

As do many spouses with ADHD, Roy demonstrated an uncontrolled, sporadic indifference to their feelings and just about everything else. During the times he made strong willful efforts at being better, June forgave him.  When he was obstinate and hateful, she straightened her backbone and stood strong against him.

Even when he stopped drinking, she continued to be the resilient partner who brought in the family income during an era when mothers seldom worked outside the home.

As I think of my own battle weariness, I am reminded that June loved Roy and continually encouraged him. I think she would understand if I could explain why I choose to forgive Husband: his total disregard when I ask him to complete a chore, or even begin it, his lack of caring of my needs and wants. She would understand the frustration of living with a man who chooses not to tell the truth, and who blames all his failures on other people. Since that same man is her grandson, she might even threaten to wash his mouth out with soap as she did when he was a child.

I feel assured June would agree with me that wives of ADHD men must comprehend that their husbands have a low level and one-dimensional attention to task. One of my greatest realizations came when I comprehended that Husband did not behave that way on purpose. As long as I thought he personalized his behavior against me, our relationship was in trouble.

She would also understand why I continually focus on my husband’s strengths and good qualities. She would know that leaping from one negative thought to another and to another only ties my emotions into knots. It doesn’t move us forward toward victory.

June was a child during World War I and a responsible adult during World War II.  First hand, she knew the value of being willing to fight for the things she believed in, which in this case was her marriage.

ADD is not easy for persons who have it or for those who live with them! That's why all ADHD marriages can benefit from the support of someone who truly understands the pressures associated with ADHD behaviors.  I invite battle-weary spouses to contact McNay &Voth where we can custom build strategies to help your marriages.

 

Only One Martha Stewart

Thanks to ADDitude Magazine, I think of Martha Stewart who has made a fantastic name for herself as an American icon of business. In fact, as early as her teen years, she began showing her hand at being a business woman when she worked as a fashion model and in advertising.

Today she is the guru of homemaking and home décor. I don’t know of many women who dislike her style and elegance. Possibly a few resent her perfection, but it seems likely a majority of American woman drool each time they read her magazine or watch her on TV.

She is one of the richest women in America, and when I see her displays, I wonder how many employees worked ridiculously long hours creating and artistically styling holiday decorations both indoors and out-of-doors for the amazement of the audience. Obviously she can afford to hire it done.

For that reason, I resent the turmoil that takes place deep inside me whenever I read her magazine. In fact, the turmoil is so deep, I’ve stopped watching her on TV. I don’t even know if she still airs shows on TV.

I do know that a Martha presentation in my house would take extra hands to help me, and those hands are not available. Money isn’t always available, either.

Yes, Husband is multi-talented and has an eye for artistic arrangements. No, he is not willing to help when I come up with a project that requires his help.

After all, it is not his idea.

Is it ADD or personality, I always ask you and me? I give much of the credit to his oppositional defiance that is part of his ADD. If asked to do something that takes extra energy and effort, and if it is not his idea, he won’t take part.

He shows his stubbornness or purposely does a faulty job, both of which have hurt my feelings countless times.

In the days when I hosted every Christmas get-together for his family, I asked him to paint a small spot on the wall leading upstairs. It was an obvious patch job that had not been finished, and I had been asking him for weeks to get it done. OK, you are not surprised that my Husband with ADHD had not completed a task. When he finally did (about an hour before they arrived), he applied blue paint to a yellow wall. Even a person who is as color-blind as he is could see the startling contrast.

“You used BLUE paint?” I asked incredulously.

“Why not. It’s painted now, isn’t it? After all, it’s just my family.”

“It isn’t for your family, it’s for me,” I nearly screeched. “You were to complete that job because it means something to me.”

I think he walked away mumbling that had I wanted it yellow, I should have painted it myself. Good point.

Martha would have hung the perfect wreath on that same wall. I left the blue patch in hopes someone would comment on it.

Another Christmas, I purchased the materials for Husband to help me build a Barbie house for Oldest Daughter. We couldn’t afford one that was commercially made, and I wasn’t certain how to construct it.

“Why do you want to do something as silly as that? She doesn’t need a doll house.”

“Yes, she does. She plays with her Barbie dolls all the time. It merely needs to be opened on one side with two floors and a pitched roof. I have furniture for it.”

It ended up being hastily thrown together and not at all what I had designed. He painted it in the same blue.

So why I am writing about this? Along with resolving to avoid being Martha, I made another resolve: stop asking him to help with my projects. Of course, that is exactly what he wanted me to do, and it certainly makes for a less-frustrating marriage arrangement.

With the holidays upon us, I offer this advice to the spouse, and I point this mainly at wives, of a person with ADHD. You might need to lower your expectations this year. Stop drooling. Relax. If your spouse will not help with your holiday ideas, let them go, or modify them to your own time and skills. If your ADHD spouse likes projects, begin now for next year. Don’t wait until the last few days before the holidays for putting your ideas in motion.

I doubt even Martha Stewart does last-minute projects.

 

 

 

New Mercies We See

This morning, I was thrilled when Julie, our worship leader, invited the congregation to sing the favorite old hymn, Great is Thy Faithfulness.

My friend, Patty, and I usually tell each other when we sing it in our separate worship services, so I thought I would be texting her to say that we sang it. Instead, I’m sharing it with my readers.

“We’re going to sing all three stanzas,” Julie said. And then the pianist played through the chorus as we prepared to sing. Of course, Husband sang the words to it as she played.

He doesn’t sing or whisper in a quiet voice, and when he got to the last two measures, where the words are “Lord, unto me,” he changed the words, ”Sing all three verses.”

I laughed loudly and continued to laugh as the others sang “Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father.”  I mean it; I laughed a full chuckle and my shoulders shook. It was a splendid moment.

It was all I could do to concentrate on “There is no shadow of turning with Thee.”

Husband ignored me and sand with gusto. He glanced at me as if to say “What?”

When he gets into a song of any genre, he sings with gusto as if throwing his full soul into the words and the music itself.

This is the man I once knew, many years ago, before depression robbed him of spontaneous, impulsive retorts and comments and humor. “Thy compassions, they fail not. As thou hast been thou forever wilt be.”

It’s been several months since this side of him as shown its face.  Is it the new antidepressant? He claims he doesn’t feel much different since he began taking it this week, but I see glimpses that indicate something positive is happening.

If it’s not the new medication, possibly it was the clear bright white sunshine that accompanied us to church.  I hope it is a combination of both.

The song was perfect for today’s moments: “Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above join with all nature in manifold witness to thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love.”

If the depression lifts even a small amount, it is a reason to rejoice and thank God for our tremendous psychiatrist and the chemical knowledge known to raise the natural compounds in his brain.

But if it doesn’t lift much, there is always reason to thank God for the doctor and God’s generous goodness to us. “Great is they faithfulness. Morning by morning new mercies I see.”

Today’s scene was a new mercy for the day. “All I have needed, thy hand hath provided.”

That’s it in a nutshell. All we have needed, God is faithful and willing to supply it. And that can mean a quick impulsive humor or the joy of a hearty laugh.

I share today’s moment for all my friends who are persons with ADHD and who also struggle with depression of any degree. At McNay & Voth ADHD Services, we desire to encourage persons with ADHD and their families in their daily struggles. We invite you to contact us, so we can help you identify a moment God has provided for you.

 

 

 

WWII: They Did Their Job

I considered writing this on November 10 in honor of Veteran’s Day and my children’s grandfather. Somehow the urgency did not seem quite right, though; the timing was off. But today seems appropriate.  Possibly it’s because I know next week marks the anniversary of the day Father-in-law married Mother-in-law in 1945.

I think about them as a young couple with hopes and dreams stretching out before them. Only the war stood in their way of marrying earlier than they did.

Shortly before his death, my Father-in-law showed me pictures of himself as a young man during World War II. I mean he really was young. He was a leader and pilot at age 20, bombing Burma and landing in India, then flying back to China up and over the Himalaya Mountains.

 

“You were just boys!” I exclaimed.

“But we did our job,” he replied.

“Yes, you did,” I agreed, “And I for one appreciate your service.”

 

I always knew him to be most patriotic and proud of our country, and his funeral included military honors. He talked with my son, the Crown Prince, about his experiences, but he seldom mentioned them to his own children. He did not want to remember the horrors of war.

Today I look at the pictures of the boy who took on a man’s responsibilities to fight for freedom. His serious facial features are identical to that of his oldest grandson, my nephew.

I think of the plans he had for his future: marry his sweetheart, go to college, have a good career, and raise children. He met all those goals successfully. The GI Bill financed his education. Boeing acquired an excellent engineer and mathematician who worked loyally and faithfully for 40 years. Wichita had a virtuous citizen who paid his bills and own property.

Of course during the time he was at war, he only hoped he would live long enough to carry them through.

He didn’t know that he would father four children. And he had no way of anticipating the ADHD trait behaviors that would permit his family.

In fairness to him, he had no idea those behaviors existed; he only studied airplanes. He couldn’t guess that the manners that attracted him to his young wife had some type of label or description.

Husband thinks it wouldn’t matter. His Dad would not have wanted to know about ADHD. He might have associated it with mental illness.

After Husband was diagnosed with ADHD, Father-in-law said, “He didn’t get it from me.”

I think he was afraid of criticism aimed at his own mother, a victim of schizophrenia.

“I don’t think he inherited ADHD from you, either. His way of thinking is more like his Mother’s.”

Father-in-law successfully fought in a world war, but it was difficult for him to maneuver the battles associated with ADHD in his own home. ADHD often brings chaos into family dynamics: frustration, lack of follow-through, temper explosions, and a general lack of understanding.

I think Father-in-law would have welcomed teaching about ADHD in his younger days as a husband and father. He had certainly demonstrated his bravery in other situations, and during the years I knew him, he always demonstrated a quest for learning. He would have been curious, if nothing else.

How about you? Aren’t you curious to know more about the effects of ADHD in your own family? What types of calm do you desire in your family?

At McNay & Voth ADHD Services we offer the training and information other young fathers and mothers can use as they parent their children and teens with ADHD.  We can help you discover the strategies that lead to calm.

We invite you to contact us at www.coachadhd and let us know how we can support you.