Learning Social Skills

“So I’ve been thinking about social skills for the person with ADHD,” I recently told Husband.

“Oh-h-h-?” he drew out the question. “And what about my social skills have you been thinking?”

“How did you know I was applying this to you?” I asked as innocently as possible.

“Yeah, right. You always bring it all back to me.”

“You provide such excellent examples. Well, to be honest, I was  thinking of the sweet story your Mother shared about you at age four.”

“You are NOT going to bring up the times I crapped my pants when I was playing?”

“Don’t be such a spoil-sport. Of course I am. Mother said you would be so engrossed in your play at the far end of the half-acre lot that when you realized you had to go, it was too late.”

“Don’t tell me. I remember.”

“She said she would see you make a mad dash toward the house with your little legs running as fast as possible. Then, you would stop and get that panic look across your face. She and I laughed at the thought of toddler you doing such a thing.”

“Not funny. And it wasn’t funny when she made me clean my own underwear.”

“Well, she had to teach you to become aware of your bathroom needs before she sent you to school the next year.”

“She should have taught me about the under-arm pads,” he mused into the distance.

“What does that mean?”

“Do you remember the deodorant that came on the round pads? I wore mine.”

“You WHAT?”

“In high school, I wore them. One day I told Mom that I didn’t like them. They didn’t stay in place all day.”

I bent over laughing as he continued, “She said ‘Honey, you’re not suppose to wear them. You apply the deodorant with them.’  I felt like a fool. Of course, throughout high school, I felt like a fool.”

“It saddens me to hear you say that.”

“It is true. I didn’t have problems making friends. I had problems keeping the right kind of friends. I couldn’t keep my smart comments to myself, and I was too emotional and moody. As you know, my low-self-esteem caused me to do stupid things just to feel like I fit in.”

“I fear readers will not believe how often our conversations actually do turn back to your poor self-esteem and social problems in your adolescence. It continues to haunt you, and I wish I had been a part of your life at that time, so I could have helped you.”

“That would have been a disaster. I think that you would have learned to dislike me, too.”

Persons with ADHD often experience social problems. In fact, it may be that up to 75% of them have abundant interpersonal problems.

If you are one of those persons, I invite you to contact McNay &Voth  ADHD Coaching Services. Allow us the opportunity to help you set new social goals and to develop new social skills. Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7558. We are waiting to help you.

 

 

Christmas Traditions

Oldest Daughter was three, and Crown Prince was two months old when Husband instructed me, “Atha, I want there to be several gifts under the Christmas tree for each child every year.”

I correctly interpreted this to mean he wanted me to buy and wrap those several presents.

“How many is several?” I asked.

“Oh, 20-25 each ought to do it.”

“How many?” I gasped.

“Mom used to make certain we four kids had that many presents each, and I want to continue the tradition with my kids.”

I bit my lip to keep from telling him to start shopping. Instead I asked, “What kind of gifts? Did she really spend that much money?”

Knowing that Father-in-law could be tight with money, I didn’t expect she spent hundreds of dollars on presents in the 1950’s.

“Oh, she might wrap one colorful pencil. Sometime she wrapped socks for us boys or nail polish for the girls, but she made sure we had several packages to unwrap. You know – hats, gloves, shirts, candy, and bubble bath, things like that.”

“Did you go around the room and open them one at a time, like Grandma Lutz taught us to do?”

“Yes. The fun for Mother was wrapping packages in front of us and going shopping with money she really didn’t have. She might wrap a package and hand it to me. Then she would say: ‘Go put a name tag on this.’ I would ask her which name. ‘Well, yours,’ she would say, ‘Didn’t you see me wrap it?’ “

For some strange reason, at the time, I thought this was funny. Now, I see the ADHD way of thinking, and it seems a bit farcical.

Whether it was or not, I did as Husband requested, and every year I began going to garage sales in September to find bargains on toys and play items. I kept a hidden list that helped me keep track of the number of gifts for each child. It had to be an identical amount.

You notice we kept Husband’s family tradition, and you also notice I am the one who did all the work.

Husband knew how to cut himself a great deal of slack during those holidays. He might assemble a toy I bought, or carry a box of goodies I baked. He knew how to keep one tradition alive, the one tradition that had his name on it in a manner of speaking. Where I was influenced by the traditions thrown at me from commercials and marketers, the one tradition he considered important came from his Mother’s ability to think outside the box (no pun intended).

Persons with ADHD and their family members can take a lesson from this: not all holiday traditions have your name on them. Husband wisely chose one that held a treasure of memories for him, and that is where he put his focus. Even today, he never allows the season to become overstimulating or overwhelming for himself. I recommend you keep your traditions simple. Don’t develop to-do lists filled with items you likely will not even look at.

For additional resources and help with ADHD, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557.

First College Experience

Yesterday, I asked Husband about his first year of college. “Why did you go to Emporia State rather than stay here in Wichita?”

He looked somewhat saddened when I mentioned that first year.

“Why are you asking?”

“This time of year, many students with ADHD go away or attend college for the first time. Thinking about it sets off a plan to write a blog.”

“I went to Emporia because the school offered a computer program. Wichita State was not an option for me. Friends would have been an option, but they did not offer the program I wanted.”

Keep in mind that these were the days before the microchip perfected the role of computers in our lives.

“And how long did you live in Emporia?”

“One school term or year.”

“Why did you come back home?”

“Because I was an idiot,” he shot back at me without a moment’s hesitation. “I left a situation without finishing it. If I had been on the ball, I would have gotten a job and stayed there.”

His face reflected disgust at the memory.

“But if you had, we would not have met,” I whined.

His face softened at the memory of meeting me.

“At Emporia, they actually expected me to work. School meant I had to do more than listen and take notes, which is how I got through high school.”

Thoughtfully he continued, “I was disappointed in college because I didn’t feel accepted. A certain group of kids, the ones from back east who couldn’t get into eastern schools, made me feel bad about myself. It was miserable.”

His comments supported what many college students with ADHD feel. For them, college has much to do with developing a self-image and discovering future hopes and dreams. More importantly, it’s about finding friends and people with whom they can identify. But frequently it is difficult for them to find friend on campus. It’s as if nebulous circles or factions are challenging to understand and befriend.

“Another reason I came back was because Dad kept hounding me to get a job, so I could pay the $35 monthly rent. I lived in a house with four other guys. It was a real mess.”

Often persons with ADHD lack social cues, act socially inappropriate or immature, and often put the blame for all of this on others.

“Were people cruel to you?”

He thought for several seconds, and I could see he was sorting through the stories.

“One economics teacher was a real jerk.” Actually he used another offensive term that insulted the instructor’s value and intelligence.

“He was a poor teacher to begin with, and whenever a couple of us asked him to clarify his explanations, he became belligerent. As well the answers to the test questions were not in his notes.”

I saw a bigger picture in relation to his comments. Many persons with ADHD also have learning disabilities concerning the use of language skills. College students with ADHD and/or learning disabilities comprise the greatest percentage of students with disabilities on college campuses in the United States.

“So I came back home and enrolled at Friends University.”

I asked, “What was different about Friends?”

“Even though home was not best, I was home. I felt more secure about going to college. The instructors at Friends treated me more like teachers did in high school. Also the classes were smaller, I had a cooperative job schedule, and there was an advantage of more jobs overall.”

He continued, “I felt better about school in general, though we both know I didn’t complete my degree until 30 years later.” At that we both smiled at the thought of his transcripts and incompletes.

“Going away that one year, however, was beneficial. It helped me see the importance of doing what I had not been doing.”

 

The Marriage Proposal

In honor of our wedding anniversary which will take place the end of this month, July 27, I am going to repost earlier blog. I love telling this story.

I expect many women remember details of the day or night when their love proposed marriage, and I am no exception.

 It was a lovely Sunday afternoon at the end of May. I wore an attractive and stylish spring-like red dress because my tall, handsome boyfriend was taking me to the graduation ceremonies at my Alma Mater, Friends University. I admit I looked really nice.

When he got there, he seemed a bit nervous to me, but by then I was accustomed to him being either moody or nervous. I probably thought something “set it off” on his way to our house. 

He sat with me on the sofa in the living room as we talked with my Mom and Dad and exchanged pleasantries about the weather and the upcoming graduation ceremony.

Suddenly without any seeming connection to our conversation, he pulled a box from his pocket and presented me with a lovely bracelet with Snoopy dangling on it.

“Oh,how cute!”  I said as I began to put it on my wrist.

He got down on his knee. “Look on the chain,” he said. “See this? It’s an engagement ring. Will you marry me, my dear?”  

He began taking the ring off the chain to slip it on my finger.

Oh, yes, he really asked in front of my parents.

Time stood still. I wanted to crawl underneath the sofa.

I sat there with that Dagwood-Bumstead smile crinkled across my face before I answered yes.

I loved my parents, and as their only daughter I knew I was special to them, but for some reason, I never dreamed of receiving a proposal of marriage in front of them. It threw the entire sense of romance out the window.

My Dad turned red as Mom cried.

My husband-to-be rushed on. “This is the ring my Dad gave to Mom when they got engaged in 1945. I asked her if she had one I could give you tonight.”

He actually told me all about it.  My love had it in mind to propose, and he thought the night of graduation would be excellent.

Actually, I think he finally got up the nerve. 

There was only one problem. Typically, he had not gotten around to buying a ring or special piece of jewelry, so he talked with his parents.

 “I want to ask Atha to marry me tonight, but I don’t have a ring. What have you got around here?”

So much for planning ahead, right?

Later, his mother said she offered him her old engagement ring because she didn’t want him to change his mind, and she loved the idea of me wearing it.

My husband was so pleased and so excited, or possibly so relieved to get that part over with that he leaned back on the sofa and sighed loudly.

 He had focused his mind on proposing to me, and he could not wait for another time. It was then or nothing.

I am glad it was then, and I know he thinks what was the big deal? After all I said yes, and here we are all these years later.

Now I understand that individuals with ADHD may become so anxious about a task or plan that they put off completing the details, which merely adds to the anxiety. They often do not plan ahead. They may experience chronic procrastination more frequently than typical individuals. They put off important tasks or the ones that take more thought and energy. In this case, it was the task that was going to cost him more money.

The pattern for our marriage was set.

In our story, Husband could not wait until we were alone at dinner. He was driven to act at that moment. He could not consider the inappropriateness of proposing marriage in front of Mom or Dad. It seemed romantic enough for him. So what if it wasn’t my own ring? (His parents did give us that ring with their blessing.)  He figured we would get around to buying me a new ring in the future.

That is an entire other story.

Grandmother's Dish Soap

Grandmother’s Dish Soap

“I really wish your Great-grandmother Lutz had lived to see you grown-up,”  I told Oldest Daughter this week.

“Why?” she asked with a smile. She probably guessed what I was going to say.

“I think she would have been pleased with how much you resemble her in attitude, actions, and even in body build.”

"Oh, yeah. I could have a long talk with her about the size of my butt. Thanks, Grandma.”

"You’re Dad’s Grandmother was a lovely woman with a strong business sense and a no-nonsense attitude toward life. I very much admired her.”

"Oh, well, I liked Grandma, and I remember as a small child being curious as to why she never slept with a pillow. I kept trying to bring her one when she spent the night with us. She said she never slept with it. I thought that part of her was weird. Now that I am older, I would likely say. ‘No, shit, Grandma?”

“And your most-proper, lady-like Grandmother would speak sternly about your language. She did not like for her grandchildren to talk crudely, even though Grandpa Lutz and her daughters did.”

Husband interjected at this point. “Yes, she would tell you to get her bottle of dish soap, and she would wash your mouth out with soap.”

Oldest Daughter quickly caught his message. “How many times did you have to get the soap, Dad?”

“Once was all it took, thank you very much.”

“Did it make you sick?”

“Hell, I mean heck yes. It made me sick. It only took one time for her to use soap on me.”

“Did she squirt it in your mouth? That would make me vomit.”

“No, she squirt it on a dishcloth and brushed my teeth with it. Then she told me to rinse my mouth. It tasted nasty, and yes it did make me a bit sick. She had warned me, though. She said she would do it if she heard me swear one more time.”

“Why did you do it again, then? Didn’t you believe her?”

“I forgot. You know my ADHD impulsiveness and forgetfulness. I was caught in the moment. I just didn’t remember until I heard her call my name and tell me to go get the dish soap.”

“Isn’t 17 a bit old for your Grandmother to wash your mouth with soap?”

“I was only six or seven, smartie.”

I could see the wheels turning behind Oldest Daughter’s eyes. She couldn’t imagine my own Mother doing such a thing, and she couldn’t image me allowing her to do so.

Laughingly she asked, “What did your Mother do? Did she actually allow her Mother to wash your teeth with dish soap?”

“Mom would never correct Grandma Lutz. She just sat there and laughed at me. She was afraid to say much because she knew where I had learned those words. She might have been afraid she would be next.”

I knew that part was likely true. Grandmother would not have washed Betty’s mouth with soap, but mentally I saw her stern gaze and heard her firm tone. I imagine she would have said, “Betty! He only talks that way because he’s heard the same word come out of your mouth.”

We do not approve of Grandmother’s method in today’s world, but it was effective. Without medication or complimentary interventions, she quickly instilled in her grandson a motivation to remember and catch control his behavior when he was in her presence.

Husband still respects her memory, only praises her graciousness, and admires her business acumen. I don’t think the dish soap hurt him in any manner. And in fact, I have heard him tell the story so often , I rather think he views it as funny.