What Does It Mean to Survive?

Regarding our mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, a reader inquired whether being the parent of a child with ADHD potentially threatens parents’ lives.

She was joking with me, but her point brings up an issue we should discuss.

What does being a parent of a child with ADHD do to or for the mother or father? Does it cause anxiety or nervous breakdowns? Does it result in deep depression and sense of failure?

Possibly the response is not that severe, but it can give rise to tension, frustration, and even anger. I stress the anger part because the exasperation of living with a child with constant behavior challenges can result in the parent reaching the end of his or her rope. The ADHD child can raise the dimensions on bad behavior.

When caring for a child with ADHD, a parent becomes the manager of the total intervention or treatment program, serves  as an advocate for the child at school and home, or probably oversees medication when necessary.  I suggest that survival means that the parent wears many hats and learns proven ways to handle his or her own struggles and frustrations.

First, the parent must learn as much as possible about this disorder known as ADHD. What does it mean that your child is a person with ADHD? How did this happen to him or her? Will he or she outgrow it? Since ADHD is a neurobiological reality, parents in the know come to realize that their children with ADHD are not broken. They merely are different.

Second, parents must understand their children’s personalities. As a parent, you are an expert on your child’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and emotions over the long haul of life. Each child with ADHD posses his or her own unique personality, and each personality brings color and texture to life.

Third, a parent should concentrate on the child’s strengths as opposed to what he or she does wrong. It could be that strength is his or her sense of kindness, or intelligence. Maybe it is a creative talent in music or art or even a specific academic field. Persons with ADHD can successfully build on their skills and strengths as they develop new behavior and inner control . 

Lastly, wise parents will closely evaluate their expectations for the child with ADHD. Do parental frustrations stem from a disconnect between who the child is and who the parent wants him or her to be? Does the parent expect the child to “fix” himself or herself, or does the parent willing step in to help? Is there worry that others will think the parent has failed at being a good parent?

McNay & Voth’s mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, touches several pain points parents often feel with and for their children with ADHD.  If you’ve not viewed our practical recommendations, we invite you to find them at http://www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html.

 

New Mercies We See

This morning, I was thrilled when Julie, our worship leader, invited the congregation to sing the favorite old hymn, Great is Thy Faithfulness.

My friend, Patty, and I usually tell each other when we sing it in our separate worship services, so I thought I would be texting her to say that we sang it. Instead, I’m sharing it with my readers.

“We’re going to sing all three stanzas,” Julie said. And then the pianist played through the chorus as we prepared to sing. Of course, Husband sang the words to it as she played.

He doesn’t sing or whisper in a quiet voice, and when he got to the last two measures, where the words are “Lord, unto me,” he changed the words, ”Sing all three verses.”

I laughed loudly and continued to laugh as the others sang “Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father.”  I mean it; I laughed a full chuckle and my shoulders shook. It was a splendid moment.

It was all I could do to concentrate on “There is no shadow of turning with Thee.”

Husband ignored me and sand with gusto. He glanced at me as if to say “What?”

When he gets into a song of any genre, he sings with gusto as if throwing his full soul into the words and the music itself.

This is the man I once knew, many years ago, before depression robbed him of spontaneous, impulsive retorts and comments and humor. “Thy compassions, they fail not. As thou hast been thou forever wilt be.”

It’s been several months since this side of him as shown its face.  Is it the new antidepressant? He claims he doesn’t feel much different since he began taking it this week, but I see glimpses that indicate something positive is happening.

If it’s not the new medication, possibly it was the clear bright white sunshine that accompanied us to church.  I hope it is a combination of both.

The song was perfect for today’s moments: “Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above join with all nature in manifold witness to thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love.”

If the depression lifts even a small amount, it is a reason to rejoice and thank God for our tremendous psychiatrist and the chemical knowledge known to raise the natural compounds in his brain.

But if it doesn’t lift much, there is always reason to thank God for the doctor and God’s generous goodness to us. “Great is they faithfulness. Morning by morning new mercies I see.”

Today’s scene was a new mercy for the day. “All I have needed, thy hand hath provided.”

That’s it in a nutshell. All we have needed, God is faithful and willing to supply it. And that can mean a quick impulsive humor or the joy of a hearty laugh.

I share today’s moment for all my friends who are persons with ADHD and who also struggle with depression of any degree. At McNay & Voth ADHD Services, we desire to encourage persons with ADHD and their families in their daily struggles. We invite you to contact us, so we can help you identify a moment God has provided for you.

 

 

 

My Mannequin Daughter

“Where’s Baby Sis?” my Mother seemed in a panic. She worried about losing one of my children in the shopping mall every time we went shopping with her.

She referred to my youngest child, my beautiful, creative kid with ADHD, who was about seven years of age at the time.

“Don’t worry,” I assured Mom. “She’s right here.” I pointed to the mannequin display in the center of the wide mall hall.

“Where? I don’t see her.” Mother continued in her scared voice.

“Here,” I said as I walked over to the display and pointed to my child.

Mother began to laugh with relief and with totally surprised amusement. Baby Sis stood completely still, posed like the mannequin.

On the dais or raised platform, my skinny kid with long legs and huge green eyes had positioned herself with bent arms and legs to look like the figure with no head. She only moved her eyes a slight bit as people walked past her. Otherwise, she was perfectly still.

It would have been difficult for my hyper child to pose like that for any length of time, but she managed to do it.

This was not the first or last time she attempted such a trick, but each time I laughed as if I had not seen it before. I still laugh when I recall how she looked.

“Do you remember when Baby Sis would be the mannequin?” Oldest Daughter asked me a few days ago.

Then we both literally burst out in laughter.

“Oh, definitely! She bent her arms, twisted her neck and head, and stood there perfectly still. I would see other shoppers break out in giggles when they past her, but she never broke her stance.”

After nearly 25 years, we remember with delight the many antics this classic ADHD child thought of and acted out on impulse.

Oldest Daughter recalled the cholla cactus we brought home from New Mexico as we traveled in a small motor home. Husband dug it up from the side of the road and placed it in a huge bucket near the back of the vehicle. We cautioned our small child to stay away from the thorns, but the temptation was too great.

Two hours later we heard her scream loudly as she cried, “That sticker bit me!”

My older two children hollowed with laughter, and so did I after I made certain she was not injured badly.

“I told you not to touch it,” I reminded.

“But I wanted to see it,” she justified herself.

“Seeing and touching are two different things.”

“No, Mommy. I can’t see it without touching,” she explained in her most serious voice.

She assured me she had seen enough of the strange plant to last a lifetime.

Even now, Oldest Daughter said, “We knew it was a matter of time. Crown Prince and I were just waiting to see how long it would take her to get stuck with a thorn.” And then she laughed again with tears of amusement streaming down her cheeks.

“Her impulsivity led her to do some really interesting things,” I agreed.

“Still does,” remarked her sister. “She makes me laugh every time we are together.”

“She’s like your Dad in that regard. And she has it down to an art: quick comments that literally zing me. She does it with a straight face, just as he does.” I almost bragged.

“Yes,” agreed her sister. “Remember when we went tanning last weekend? My sister waited with me while you finished. I whispered that the girl at the counter seemed rather dull-witted. I mean she just did not come across as bright at all.”

“What did your sister say or do?”

“She turned toward me in a half-second, pulled her lips into that characteristic expression of disdain, and without missing a beat she made one of her comments.”

“Did I tell you MENSA has more than 50,000 members in the United States alone?” she asked seriously.

“I’ll tell you, Mom, I did not expect her to say something like that. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me laughing .”

If I had heard, I would have known Baby Sis said or did something impulsively.

 

 

 

Does It Fit?

I often have conversations with ADHD adults about occupations or careers, or whether they are prepared to do their jobs.

It simply boils down to the matter of a good fit for the individual’s strengths and skills.

One adult female told me, “I’d love to have a job working in an office, but I can’t spin the different plates or balance all the responsibilities. I just can’t. I’ve tried.”

So we talked about her strengths and other interests, and she kept coming back to her work with children. She loves the concept of Play Therapy. Bingo, she concentrated her efforts toward play therapy where she already had the hours of training. It fits her well.

As I have previously mentioned, Husband retired after nearly 40 years as a technical writer. Frankly, I’m not certain what made him so successful at that type of detailed work except he has fabulous writing skills, and he reads one word at a time.

He catches typo errors faster than anyone else I know. He loves to scan bulletins, billboards, magazines, and papers for the minute mistakes. He points them out with a broad smile across his face.

I once remarked, “You really get a sense of satisfaction from finding those, don’t you?”

“It’s a game,” he said.  He wins.

So back to the retirement, when it came time to find part time work, he struggled with what kind of job to look for. He applied for a tollbooth attendant with the turnpike authority.

At first he worried about remembering the routine or learning the process.

“You’re kidding me, right? You’ll learn what to do. It may take a few days, but I have no doubt you will catch on quickly.”

“What makes you so certain?” he implored. “How can you be sure?”

“Because I know you and your interests. I know your skill strengths.”

“Such as?”

“First, you like for people to see you are in The Know. When a driver asks you a direction or question about Wichita, you will enjoy having the answers. Second, you’re good with numbers, so you will memorize fees with little effort, even if the machine does total the fees. Third, you will talk to drivers and smile at their dogs and children. That’s good customer-relation skills.”

“Those are the easy things, he replied.

“But the things that come easy to us are usually our abilities and strengths, and the things that come easy to you are necessary skills for this job.”

And, definitely, the job is an excellent fit for him.

In the main, adults with ADHD possess creativity, intelligence, and numerous, individuals skills, but ADHD symptoms such as disorganization and time management problems may hamper using those skills in the work place. Like the woman I mentioned earlier, these adults struggle with work that does not fit their skills.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Services, we take pleasure in helping adults discover their inner creativity and focus on work or occupations that fit who they are and what they can do.

If you are an adult with ADHD who struggles with issues at work, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth at 316-655-9807 or www.coachadhd. Make an appointment for a free hour consultation. We can help you find your personal fit.

 

 

Independence Day

As we celebrate the birth and growth of our nation, I am prone to measure it up to the birth and growth of my own children. Like our nation, they have achieved success through struggles, wise choices, and not-so-wise choices.

I especially think of my youngest daughter, who is a person with ADHD. As did her Dad, she struggled with the challenges of accepting herself and her behaviors from the time she was a small child, and it was quite difficult for her during her teens and early adult years. In fact, it still can be difficult for her now as she continually checks impulsive comments or her filter for temper control.

She required a cheerleader at home, a role I was always willing to fill. Building her self-esteem was essential to her development in spite of the ADHD. I protected her best interests in school and at church and even among family. Her grandmother did the same because she understood my daughter. Grandmother saw many similar patterns between herself and my daughter, and she and I often shared phone calls and laughter about Baby Sis’ latest adventures.

One Thursday morning, Mother phoned to say, “What does Baby Sis do Wednesday evenings? Isn’t she a part of Girls Auxiliary at church?”

Immediately my radar beeped. “Yes, And why are you asking?”

“Do you know she phones me from church each Wednesday at about 7:30? She just wants to talk about her day at school.”

In my mind’s eye, I saw the hall phone at the church and how a ccessible it would be for my daughter.

Mother and I laughed because we knew that by 7:30, my daughter would be fidgety and bored.  A trip to the bathroom and then the phone would alleviate the boredom, but that didn’t excuse the fact I needed to talk to her about it without her knowing that Grandmother told me.

The effort involved boosting her self-confidence while directing her behavior. She needed to hear that I loved and supported her and believed she could do the right thing. She faced enough difficulties and criticism on a daily basis that she did not need to feel Grandmother and I teamed against her. Love on the home front was the solace she craved.

I often set aside special time with my daughter such snack time after school, or an impromptu lunch outing during the school day. While I ate, she talked and talked about whatever was on her mind. It was positive attention, and it worked magic on her self-esteem. Whenever I saw opportunity, I praised her for all types of things many of which revolved around her humor and creativity. Praise builds confidence, but it must be genuine.  Often I identified one of her many strengths and talked with her about it: her ability to draw pictures and write short stories about them, her musical talents, the way she caused me to laugh heartily throughout her life, or her sincere kindness to others.

I also built her confidence with fairly administered discipline. It did not punish, but it taught and allowed her to learn from consequences and to connect the links to appropriate behavior. You likely know the phrase for it; it’s call tough love.

Today she is an independent adult and wife. Like our nation, she experienced the pangs associated with growth, and I am proud of her as well as her two siblings. She recognizes the value of her personal freedom, and she acts accordingly as she strives for continued growth and improvement. Not-so-like our nation, she acknowledges her dependence on God both in the past and for the future.

At McNay & Voth, we desire to help other parents as they raise children with ADHD. We want to help the teen or young adult who struggles with the challenges of ADHD. We yearn to support adults who have late diagnosis of ADHD.

Please contact us at 316-655-9807 or www.coachADHD.com and allow us to rally round you.

 

 

I'm Hungry

Per my usual Monday morning routine, today I woke early to post weekly grades and feedback for the college classes I teach online. I attempt to make as little noise possible so Husband can continue to sleep.

Who am I trying to kid? I really do not fear he is going to wake. As a matter of fact, I know he would sleep until nearly noon if I did not give him some incentive for waking and facing a new week.

It’s just how it is.

You might know how it feels to waken feeling empty.  Yesterday I ate very little, and this morning, my body kept saying “feed me.”  I continued to work and complete my morning goals as extensively as possible, knowing I should include Husband in breakfast plans.

Finally I went to our bedroom and said, “Get up so we can decide if I am taking you out to breakfast, or preparing breakfast here.”

I am rather certain the only words he heard were “I am taking you out to breakfast.”

He sat up without much prompting and hurriedly got dressed.

“I’m starving,” I told him.

He didn’t respond as he took his morning medications, and within minutes we were facing each other across the table at the restaurant.

We eat breakfast there so often, the waitresses know that I drink ice tea with lemon, and that he often orders it, too. It didn’t take our waitress long to place our order.

However, Husband thought it took an extremely long time for her to serve it. “I am starving and hungry,” he said with that constant flat expression in his eyes.

Where humor or other emotion once danced, these days nothing-much has taken their place.

I just looked at him. No response, no message on my face. I merely stared back at him.

“I know. It’s all about me, right?” he said.

I thought, “Had it not been for you, I would have eaten breakfast hours ago.”

Instead, I said, “I’m listening to you. I think your meal will be here shortly.”

In the meantime, we both tried not to listen to the man in the booth behind us. He talked about being cheated when he mowed lawns as a kid. He told the waitress that his sister could pay for his meal. He droned on and on about various jobs he’s held over the years, and they all seemed negative.

We discovered he was still single, and his sister and brother-in-law didn’t seem to like him much. He was not a pleasant experience.

The thought came to me, “He makes your handsome and refined Husband look pretty good, huh?”

I recalled how we spent Mother’s Day yesterday with our wonderful children. They are the children he helped me raise and the bright, witty adults who continue to bring joy and delight to my heart. They are his off-spring.

Sure, he seems rather selfish much of the time. I know that his ADHD might lead to further mental illness through depression or other break down in his brain. Yes, I will continue to provide incentives for him to awaken early enough to enjoy the day, and if means delaying when I breakfast, so he can sleep, I will likely do that, too.

In my own selfishness, I may continue to complain at times.

 

 

 

Dance Like No One is Looking

Husband picked me at work about 8 P.M. last Tuesday, and I asked if he had eaten supper.

“No, I’m kinda hungry.” He has a way of rolling his eyes toward me when he hoping for an additional offer.

“So where would you like to go? I’ll take you out since you are driving for me.”

“Let’s just go over here to Jimmie’s Diner. It’s close, and they have pancakes.”

Pancakes have always been one of his favorite staples. I know he is not feeling well or is feeling depressed when he refuses pancakes.

This night he was in a more normal mood. Besides Jimmie’s has a long standing in our personal history. It used to be called Kings-X after Jimmie King.

Kings-X holds a vital role in Wichita’s dining history.  In 1938, King, a cook for the old White Castle Hamburgers, which also started in Wichita, bought several of White Castle stores and opened one of the finest hamburger, milk shake, and breakfast traditions ever seen in the city.

Forty years ago, Husband and I went to Kings-X for many breakfast dates where he ordered the five-star special including fried apples. I know he knows his pancakes. It suffices to say pancakes and Jimmie’s means much more to him than a simple and inexpensive breakfast meal.

Jimmie’s utilizes a 50’s theme where waitresses wear pony tails, poodle skirts, and when they can find them, saddle oxfords. The restaurant follows the Kings-X tradition of being a type of neighborhood place to eat.

Best of all they play pop tunes from the 40’s and 50’s.  Diners don’t even have to get out of their cars before they hear the blast of oldie tunes and rhythms such as Purple People Eater, Only You, and The Stroll to name only the first three that come to my mind.

This night, Husband’s eyes lit up as we pulled into the parking lane. He didn’t even wait to get out of the car before shaking his head and gyrating his shoulders. His blood was starting to pump, and I think he was tapping the pavement as soon as his toes touched it.

“Is it speaking to you?” I laughed.

He didn’t even respond. As I rounded the front of the car he was already striding into the building with his head slightly down and his feet crossing over each other in a Stroll. He moved his shoulders, arms, and hips in fluid motion in time with his feet.

He never minds that the entire world may be watching because he dances as if he is alone in the universe.

“That’s the man I know,” I encouraged as he smiled and winked. I’ve seen him dance in public many times, and even have pushed away when he grabbed me to dance with him in the aisle of a grocery or drugstore.

Happy moments like this don’t often crop up these days, but for a few minutes he reverted back to the young man I married, full of humor and ready to clown around.

Depression doesn’t often let him be that jovial person, but I consider it a blessing that for a short time that evening, he danced, enjoyed his pancakes, and remembered other instances of what went before. He was dancing as if no one was looking.

Apple Pie and Family Connections

When we first married, I told Husband many stories about my precious and wonderful extended family. I am related to some really neat and admirable people on both sides of my family lines.

Usually though, I talked more about my Mother’s people because they lived nearby as I grew up.

“You should meet my Aunt Margret,” I would often tell him.

“I hope to do that one day. From everything you say about her, she modeled neatness and orderliness for you more than your Mom did.”

“Oh, yes. Aunt Margret was the utmost in being an aunt, even though she was Mother’s sister-in-law. She loved me. I learned much from watching her.”

“And you said she was a great cook. That’s the most interesting part about her.”

“Yes, and I should tell you about her apple pie. She made homemade applesauce for her pies then filled pie shells with it. By fill, I mean over the top which she crowned with lattice crust.”

“Really ? It sounds good.”

“Oh, it was better than good, and Mother told me Margret learned how to bake and cook from my Grandmother Dutton.”

She made pies and fried chicken from the recipes taught her by her Mother-in-law, my grandmother that I never knew.

It was a connection. Do you know what I mean?

My Grandmother died four years before I was born. I only knew her through Mother’s stories and memories.

It was not the same.

But hardcore connections like apple pie constructed with pristine detail built a bridge. So did the stories of how Grandmother would attempt to redirect the temper and stubbornness she often saw in my Mother.

Grandmother was neat, tidy, and wise in many ways.

“This family-connection thing is really important,” I told Husband. “It gives me a sense of my own identity. It gives me a sense of heredity for me and my children. I know this is not a new concept, but it is poignant to me.”

Now comes the part where I relate this ADHD.

Family ties and structure help persons with ADHD perform more effectively toward their individual potential.

ADHD may be said to be a family-based or genetic disorder, which means many persons within the same unit struggle with similar life issues and challenges. In that case, family life may seem a bit more chaotic.

But that does not negate the fact that family structure is the most foundational social unit. Family structure and strictness provides a strut for the child or teen with ADHD, and that strut provides a guide for living up to potential.

Last night I talked with my cousin, Aunt Margret’s daughter who lives in Georgia. “I would give anything to be across a table from you now, eating bologna sandwiches and chips, and drinking Pepsi.” I told her. “And don’t forget the Hydrox Cookies.”

We both cried real tears at the memory.

That’s what I call a family connection.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

 

 

 

Structure and Security

Seriously, I planned to blog about additional effects of depression in the life of the person with ADHD.

Then I saw a picture posted in Face Book of my friend Mary Beth teaching a group of children in church today. It was the story of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ.

“Holy Cow!” I thought with no irreverence intended. “I can totally imagine her soft southern accent and the conviction in her voice as she shares with young lives the same truths taught to her as a child.”

My mind is drawn to how I have shared the same joyous truths with my family members who are persons with ADHD.

Husband did not know or believe the Good News when we married, but shortly after the wedding, he came to me with questions on what would happen if he died.

That is when I shared Scripture with him and showed him God’s plan for eternal life.

Husband believed and accepted it for himself and read the Bible thoroughly twice in one year.

When we went to church meetings he listened intently and would whisper loudly to me about all he was learning. “Shit!” he once exclaimed. “That makes sense.”  I knew God understood Husband’s use of the expletive.

In spite of other times when his humorously inappropriate earthy expressions left his mouth, it was obvious that the truths of God’s love for him and all the people of the world began to instill a sense of sanctuary within his inner being that counteracted some of the turmoil resulting from his struggles with attention and acceptance.

It was natural for us, then, to take our children to church to be taught by Patricia and Harold, Betty and Lyle, Guy and Willa, Louise, and others who did for them exactly as Mary Beth did for children today.

Baby Sis is our third child, and she took to spiritual teaching with a natural curiosity.  She still does as truths from the Bible also help soothe the inner turmoil she experiences as a person with ADHD.

Actually, when she was around nine years old, she attempted to point out to the rest of us that we have sins in our lives that we should confess and make right with God.

The only problem is that she did not point to any of her own offenses and wrong doing.  When I inquired about them, she said, “Well, I don’t have any. It is you guys that have problems.”

It suffices to say that I used that for a good teaching moment.

So tying these memories to the beast, Depression, who is daily an unwelcomed visitor in our home, I must state publicly that without the security of knowing spiritual truth, my family with or without ADHD would be adrift in a vast and turbulent ocean without any means of getting back to shore.

Many persons with ADHD deal with the effects of depression, and many of them have not found the structure and security that come from knowing God’s truth and plan for all persons.  I wish they would ask me to share it with them.

However, whether persons do or do not want to hear about God, at McNay&Voth we offer our expertise and skills to help persons with ADHD. We lead them to set and meet personal goals which will help them develop structure and security as they move forward in life.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

Can You Help a Woman with ADHD?

The pleasant voice on the other end of the phone asked two simple questions:

“Do you think you can help a woman with ADHD? Do you think you can help an older woman?”

“Yes,” I responded to both questions with one simple positive.

Quite often, I hear from women and girls – from females- who are persons with ADHD. They seek help, and they want to know someone understands the pressures and challenges they face.

As one lovely young woman told me, “You get it! You don’t scold me or laugh at me.”

And why should I scold or even laugh? ADHD is not funny although individuals with ADHD can be quite clever and funny.

Why should I admonish? I am not in the business of being bossy.

I don’t scold or admonish my own daughter with ADHD.  In fact, I think she is quite clever and intelligent. She makes me laugh like no other person.

Yet, I know she struggles with making goals and finding the perfect niche in her life.

I know she struggles with depression and a poor sense of who she can be.

When I see her struggles I think about the many teachers who graced her life. Several did not understand that she struggled to maintain her attention; other teachers had a sense of her talents.

One teacher in particular did not understand why she had a hard time sitting still in circle time.

However, her wonderful preschool teacher, Melinda Wren, fully understood and even taught me a thing or two about my daughter’s need to remain active.

“She listens more attentively sitting at the book area than most of the other kids do sitting still in the circle.”

Bless Melinda. I love her for her wisdom.

Again, when I see my daughter’s struggles, thoughts of her myriad of talents rush through my own mind.

I am not merely being her mom. I am honestly aware of her potential. The problem is that she has so much rushing through her own brain, she cannot get it under control.

In school, girls and women find they are often confused and wonder what others know that they do not know. They struggle with inattentiveness, frustration, time-management, and even disorder.

In teen social situations, they wonder what causes others’ rejection of them, or they take huge social risks just to feel accepted or to be like everyone else.

Yet, I am convinced that females with ADHD bring color and texture to any social situation. They make fantastic mothers as they lead their children to experience countless life-enriching experiences. They make super physicians, lawyers, fire fighters, law enforcement, teachers, and all types of professionals.

It is matter of learning the skills necessary for success. As our motto says: Success through self-determination and encouragement.

If anyone reading this blog is a girl or woman who wants help with her ADHD, I invite her to contact me at McNay&Voth ADHD Coaching Services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

I sincerely want to help you with your ADHD concerns.

 

 

Christmas Reconciliation

Many years ago, my Mother told me: “The most important thing that boy needs to know is God’s love. He needs to know Jesus.”

She referred to my not-yet Husband whom I had been dating a few weeks. I agreed heartily for when I first met Husband, he demonstrated one of the lowest self-esteems I had ever seen.

A few years later he came to me nearly in tears, “Pat at work told me I would go to Hell if I died today. We were discussing religions, and I told her that I am a Christian Scientist. She said that means I am neither a Christian or a scientist. She went on to say the Bible tells us to believe on the saving work of Jesus Christ. Without it, all that Christian Science readings will do is damn me to eternal punishment.”

In one of the most difficultly honest moments of my life, I gazed straight into his beautiful eyes filled with pain. “She’s right. And why did you tell her you are Christian Science? That’s your Dad’s religion. Do you tell everyone you are a Christian Scientist? I don’t believe you really except that rubbish.”

He continued with his questions, “What does she mean about the saving work of Jesus? How will I know where to find it? I had these same questions when I was 12 years old, and no one was there to tell me. You are the only Christian besides Pat who has attempted to do so.”

So I opened a Bible and began to mark Scriptures from the New Testament in the book of Romans and asked him to read chapters 1 through 10. I hardly slept that night as I prayed for him to understand the loving truth of God’s word.

Early the next day, he said: “I read the entire book of Romans. Then I got down on my knees and asked God to show me what I had to do to have Jesus as my Savior. I did it. I now know what it means.”

The change in his demeanor was immediately apparent, and other changes developed over time. Within a few weeks, he read the entire Bible from Genesis to Revelation because he was so thirsty to know what God had to say to him.

He has often said, “Before I became a Christian, my life was filled with emptiness and despair. My lifestyle showed it, and I felt terribly unloved and unlovable. “

From what I have learned about ADHD over the years, much of his pain stemmed from the negativity and rejection he felt due to the behaviors associated with attention deficit.

I am not saying that Christian teaching is the answer to the behaviors and problems associated with ADHD. I am saying that persons with ADHD need to know they are valuable in God’s economy; their lives have meaning, and they can be reconciled with God in spite of any mistakes or behaviors they have experienced.

As to the lovely woman who was brave enough to witness to Husband at work, many years later after we married and had three small children, he introduced me to her at a grocery store.

“Please stand over there,” I asked him. Then I told her the story. “I am most honored to meet you. I have always wanted to thank you for your kind bravery and concern for him.”

On this day when Christians throughout the world celebrate the fact God sent His Son to be the Savior of the world, I pray all who read my blog will know they are in right standing with God. Will you be able to say you are reconciled with God?

For further information about ADHD and for coaching helps to set and maintain effective goals, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013.

 

Christmas Cheer

While we were driving and looking at Christmas lights, I wistfully said, “Remember our first Christmas together? Do you remember the little table-top tree and ornaments? How about the pink caftan robe I made for you?”

Husband concentrated on his driving. Finally he asked, “What brought that up?”

“Oh, you know. I get nostalgic when I think of the many Christmas celebrations we enjoyed when our kids were little.”

“They weren’t born that first year,” he pointed out with a smirk.

“I realize that. But I think of Oldest Daughter’s first Christmas when she was five weeks old. I remember wrapping our presents with pink ribbons to commemorate her birth, and I remember her first pair of jeans that your sister bought her.”

Husband continued to smirk. He often tells me he draws frames of pictures in his head as he listens.

As I plunged ahead with my memories, I continued, “Then there was Crown Prince’s first Christmas when he was two months old, and your sister bought him his first pair of jeans, too.”

“Is this about my sister’s buying habits?” I could tell he was not too thrilled with this conversation.

“No, I think it is about true happiness at Christmas. Each baby brought immense joy and happiness at his or her first Christmas. Even when the money was tight, we were happy as a family.”

“When was it not tight at Christmas?” Husband growled.

“OK, that aside,” I agreed, “I wish to continue remembering happy moments from the past.”

“So are you the Ghost of Christmas Past? Long past or just your past?”

“Very good Ebenezer.”

“So, where is this conversation leading?”  I don’t think he likes to dwell on joyful thoughts.

“The emphasis of Christmas lies on the small pieces of happiness of being with family and doing things for others. The best memories do not highlight certain gifts as much as they do the times of being with people who are near and dear.”

He didn’t catch the part about not highlighting gifts. “One of my best Christmas gifts was the pogo stick Grandma and Grandpa Lutz bought for me in 1959. See, I even remember the year. They bought it just for me and my needs.”

“Was it the toy or the fact Grandma and Grandpa gave it? “

“Yes,” he responded in his usual way.

Christmas is not always joyful for the person with ADHD. It can be a huge challenge for him or her in terms of money and empathy. This year, help your person with ADHD appreciate his or her own strengths by encouraging one small volunteer service. It will give your person the confidence to focus on others instead of his or her own needs.

For more information on how you can help your family member with ADHD or yourself, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

 

 

Thankful

Recently I told Husband: “I often ask parents of kids or teens to name their children’s strengths. Their answers always include similar qualities: creative, highly intelligent, eager to help, kind, loving. Isn’t that interesting?”

He kept a straight face: “I know. I resemble those qualities.”

“Yes, you do, and it is not a joke. Those are some of the reasons why I agreed to marry you.”

“What else?”

“What else, what? Why else did I want to marry you?”

He nodded his head.

“You were young, tall, blonde, and handsome. I loved your sense of humor and gentlemanly manners. Besides, you told me you cook.”

“I did at one time. I once loved to cook. And I did it well, if I do say so myself.”

“In addition to that, you wanted to marry me. You were not a jock who was all full of yourself. Of the fifteen qualities I wanted in a husband, you were all of them and more.”

“You are sweet to tell me those things.”

“I’ve been saying them for nearly 40 years. Don’t act as if you are surprised.”

“Surprised? No, I am grateful.”

“I am the one who is grateful, and I thank God for you and your devotion to me and our children.”

“Really?”

“Don’t let that go to your head. I am not thankful for some ways ADHD manifests itself through your actions.”

He moaned. “Don’t go there.”

“Of course, I won’t. If I ever got started, I might not stop. Besides, I make it a habit to build you up, not tear you down or add to your self-abasement. But back to being thankful, we’ve shared many wonderful experiences and a few that were very sad.”

“Now that you mention it, I was thinking of our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. It was less than a week after we buried my Mother. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that day without you.”

“That was a horrible week! I felt so sorry for your Grandmother and Grandfather when they hosted Thanksgiving Dinner that year. They are another reason I am thankful for you; you gave me grandparents. I never knew what that was like before.”

“Grandma and Grandpa loved you. They were surprised someone like you would choose to love me.”

I knew they were not surprised. They understood him and appreciated his strengths.

“I am thankful you taught me to loosen up a bit. I was quite serious about life when we married.”

“I’ve meant to talk to you about that.”

“Listen, smart-aleck. You have many times. Seriously, one of the advantages of living with your ADHD comes from the way it helped change my perspectives. Your way of thinking has rubbed off on me at times.”

“Would you do it again?”

“What? Marry you? Of course. It made living with you and having those three kids legal and moral. I wouldn’t want you to be married to another woman. That’s too much like your other Grandfather.”

We won’t go there, either.