In Honor of the ADHD Man on Father’s Day

This week offered another delightful opportunity for an interview on the Brett and Sierra Show, and we used it to talk about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

As Brett began the discussion, he asked, “How can the man with ADHD get those pesky irritating chores done without distraction or procrastination?”

First of all, the partner or spouse should avoid nagging him. Nagging does not help. Procrastination is problematic, and it is often an issue of time management.  Time management belongs to the area of organization, and mental disorganization is often common among men with ADHD. How we organize is personal, from our own inward way of looking at the issue.

Click to watch Dr. Atha talking with Brett and Sierra about men with ADHD!

The man with ADHD procrastinates because the task or chore does not warrant how he wants to spend his time.  When the motivation is strong enough, he will spend his time on it. I should go ahead and say that many men with ADHD do not procrastinate, especially at their jobs, because their own self image is tied to their careers.

Sierra then asked: “Why can it take longer for the man with ADHD to get into a project, not to mention  getting it even half-way completed?"  As an answer, I suggest that many men with ADHD have it all figured out in their minds how they want the finished project to look or how it should come together.  They have pictured it as a perfectly completed project. As they work on it and find they are not doing it perfectly, they become frustrated.

We can also place the blame on the twins Distractibility and Executive Function Challenges. I recommend that tasks and chores be broken into doable, bite-size portions where they will not seem overwhelming. The chore has to be done in stages anyway, so use that to advantage.  When the man finishes a small task or even one that is larger, he can be spurred onward by the feeling of success.

When interruptions  distract the ADHD man from a task, he can hold on to a physical artifact to remind him of what he was doing.  It will focus his attention more quickly, and help him return to the task. For example, a hammer in hand may remind him that he was working on a broken gate before he got interrupted.

The man with ADHD himself may also ask: “How can the person with ADHD deal with boring tasks or chores?”  It is important to see the significance in the chore such as cleaning the garage or changing oil in the car.  One man links a seemingly insignificant chore with time to listen to his favorite music. His busy work schedule allows little time for his music, but by choosing a couple of chores each week, he schedules a date with his music and headphones, and meets two goals in one setting. The beauty of music is good for the brain, helps lower blood pressure, and provides a super background companion.

Another man might ask: “What make good incentives to begin and complete a task?” The answer to that will be most personal. The tiniest thing can be a huge incentive to complete a sizeable task. “I’ll treat myself to a favorite snack when I get this done, “ one man might say. Another’s wife offered tickets to a baseball game when he completed a much-needed house repair. Of course an incentive can be huge if the task is highly important. One person promised himself a new motor home if he got his tax information to the account before the deadline.  Needless to say, he had been wanting a motor home for several months, so it worked well for him to link it to getting his taxes done. 


For more about men with ADHD or to view this interview, follow the link above or visit our website, coachadhd.com.

Mothers’ Tears

Last week I encountered three of them; that is, I met with three mothers of children with ADHD.

Each of those meetings was random and chance.

They told me similar stories: “I just do not know what to do.”

“He forgets to bring home his school books, or she forgets to bring home the assignments due for the week.”

 “He’s a great kid.”

“She’s a super girl.”

“People like him.”

“I worry because she doesn’t have many friends.”

“He loves his sport, but many times forgets the play his coach gives. I mean, which kid wants to fail at his sport?”

“She likes to play the violin, but she forgets to bring home the music for orchestra practice.”

Mothers of children, teens, and young adults are among the group I call The Women.  These are the individuals whose lives are highly impacted by the challenges and contests associated with the symptoms of ADHD.

In addition, they may be females with ADHD themselves.

 They may also be wives of men with ADHD, but that is a totally different topic for a blog.

Mothers oversee the tiny irritations throughout the household: “Did you turn off the lights or remember to take out the trash?”

“Have you started on your homework? Do you have homework? Where is it? What do you mean, you can’t remember?”

As well, they carry the heavier burdens: “Have you started writing the paper that is due in class in two days?”

“You’re in college and you forgot about an assignment?”

“I am afraid my adolescent child is using drugs or smoking pot.”

“Have you paid your car insurance?”

Mothers repeat over and again, “But my child or young adult is really an awesome person. My kid is highly intelligent and a creative thinker. “

“Is he or she doing this to aggravate me?”

“His or her Dad says I baby and coddle too much, but if I don’t help or advocate for my child, who will?”

Mothers contact mental health professionals or physicians for ADHD testing. They work closely with teachers and other school personnel and join support groups where they can arm themselves with information. They contact me as a coach and champion.

All three mothers, who talked with me last week, shed tears and then apologized.

“Go ahead and cry. Vent your frustrations and worries. I’m a Mom, and I have shed tears over my own kids. It’s what we often do.”

It’s going to sound cheesy, but Mothers’ tears water the seeds for potential and growth in the child, teen, or adolescent with ADHD.

For Mothers of persons with ADHD, and the group may include Mothers with adult children, I begin with these three proven recommendations:

1.    Accept your child for who he or she may be.

2.   Never punish her/him for behavior that she/he is unable to control.

3.   Watch for times to praise her/his positive behaviors.

It’s a challenging job, but The Women are up to it. My Quaker Mom often encouraged me with this statement that is also true for you: “Dearie, we are not the weaker sex.”

Take heart. I hope you and other Mothers of persons with ADHD will contact us at McNay & Voth, so we can stand along-side you in your quest for the best for your children.

Reach us at www.coachadh.com , or phone us at 316-655-9807.

 

 

Know Your ADHD

Many of you have heard the story of how I met Husband when we were students at Friends University in Wichita, KS.

One day in English literature class, he said to me, “What was this author trying to say? I didn’t understand this shit, and it made me nervous. So I stopped reading.”

Since I knew nothing about ADHD at that time, I attempted to enlighten him about the work in question. I swear his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.

Throughout the years, we have discussed how ADHD affected his ability in college.

I told him: “As early as the late 1790’s, a Scottish doctor, Sir Alexander Crichton, described the characteristics ADHD with words such as inattentiveness and restlessness, which he called ‘the fidgets.’ He noted that children with those behaviors were unable to pay attention in school and suggested these kids receive individual education interventions. What do you think of that piece of information?”

As he gazed into my eyes, Husband said, “Scottish, huh? I’m Scottish. Maybe it’s a national epidemic. I think I resemble his remarks.”

“Be serious; one thing has been born out by literally dozens of studies and empirical evidence. ADHD is a genetic-based condition that tends to run in families, which is strongly evidenced on certain genetic and DNA markers. It is complex. Neurotransmitters which serve to manage other networks are thought to not pass along messages through synaptic gaps.”

“So you are telling me I have gaps in my brain? I’ve known that forever.”

“You have lots of smarts. But in the early 1900’s Sir George Still of England talked about the symptoms as ‘moral control in the normal child’, and he referred to ‘control of action in conformity with the idea of the good for all.’ He said those children were emotionally volatile, aggressive, and they lacked of insight into the impact of their actions.”

“So what is this? What are you telling me? I lost you somewhere in all those words.”

“ADHD is a brain-functioning disorder with a highly social significance. Most persons with ADHD are quite intelligent, but the inattention process often impedes learning or academics. Like you were in our English lit class.”

“Yes. By the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what it said at the first of it.”

Are you or a family member a person with ADHD? Researchers today don’t always agree on the cause of the disorder. However, the effects they agree on; it is a series of symptoms involving inattention, impulsivity, possibly hyperactivity, or a combination of any of these. Often we hear the terms Executive Function and frontal lobe associated with ADHD.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching, we know how ADHD affects lives of persons and their families. We offer coaching for the person with ADHD, and we help family understand the disorder.

Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or phone us at 316-771-7557.

First College Experience

Yesterday, I asked Husband about his first year of college. “Why did you go to Emporia State rather than stay here in Wichita?”

He looked somewhat saddened when I mentioned that first year.

“Why are you asking?”

“This time of year, many students with ADHD go away or attend college for the first time. Thinking about it sets off a plan to write a blog.”

“I went to Emporia because the school offered a computer program. Wichita State was not an option for me. Friends would have been an option, but they did not offer the program I wanted.”

Keep in mind that these were the days before the microchip perfected the role of computers in our lives.

“And how long did you live in Emporia?”

“One school term or year.”

“Why did you come back home?”

“Because I was an idiot,” he shot back at me without a moment’s hesitation. “I left a situation without finishing it. If I had been on the ball, I would have gotten a job and stayed there.”

His face reflected disgust at the memory.

“But if you had, we would not have met,” I whined.

His face softened at the memory of meeting me.

“At Emporia, they actually expected me to work. School meant I had to do more than listen and take notes, which is how I got through high school.”

Thoughtfully he continued, “I was disappointed in college because I didn’t feel accepted. A certain group of kids, the ones from back east who couldn’t get into eastern schools, made me feel bad about myself. It was miserable.”

His comments supported what many college students with ADHD feel. For them, college has much to do with developing a self-image and discovering future hopes and dreams. More importantly, it’s about finding friends and people with whom they can identify. But frequently it is difficult for them to find friend on campus. It’s as if nebulous circles or factions are challenging to understand and befriend.

“Another reason I came back was because Dad kept hounding me to get a job, so I could pay the $35 monthly rent. I lived in a house with four other guys. It was a real mess.”

Often persons with ADHD lack social cues, act socially inappropriate or immature, and often put the blame for all of this on others.

“Were people cruel to you?”

He thought for several seconds, and I could see he was sorting through the stories.

“One economics teacher was a real jerk.” Actually he used another offensive term that insulted the instructor’s value and intelligence.

“He was a poor teacher to begin with, and whenever a couple of us asked him to clarify his explanations, he became belligerent. As well the answers to the test questions were not in his notes.”

I saw a bigger picture in relation to his comments. Many persons with ADHD also have learning disabilities concerning the use of language skills. College students with ADHD and/or learning disabilities comprise the greatest percentage of students with disabilities on college campuses in the United States.

“So I came back home and enrolled at Friends University.”

I asked, “What was different about Friends?”

“Even though home was not best, I was home. I felt more secure about going to college. The instructors at Friends treated me more like teachers did in high school. Also the classes were smaller, I had a cooperative job schedule, and there was an advantage of more jobs overall.”

He continued, “I felt better about school in general, though we both know I didn’t complete my degree until 30 years later.” At that we both smiled at the thought of his transcripts and incompletes.

“Going away that one year, however, was beneficial. It helped me see the importance of doing what I had not been doing.”