Apple Pie and Family Connections

When we first married, I told Husband many stories about my precious and wonderful extended family. I am related to some really neat and admirable people on both sides of my family lines.

Usually though, I talked more about my Mother’s people because they lived nearby as I grew up.

“You should meet my Aunt Margret,” I would often tell him.

“I hope to do that one day. From everything you say about her, she modeled neatness and orderliness for you more than your Mom did.”

“Oh, yes. Aunt Margret was the utmost in being an aunt, even though she was Mother’s sister-in-law. She loved me. I learned much from watching her.”

“And you said she was a great cook. That’s the most interesting part about her.”

“Yes, and I should tell you about her apple pie. She made homemade applesauce for her pies then filled pie shells with it. By fill, I mean over the top which she crowned with lattice crust.”

“Really ? It sounds good.”

“Oh, it was better than good, and Mother told me Margret learned how to bake and cook from my Grandmother Dutton.”

She made pies and fried chicken from the recipes taught her by her Mother-in-law, my grandmother that I never knew.

It was a connection. Do you know what I mean?

My Grandmother died four years before I was born. I only knew her through Mother’s stories and memories.

It was not the same.

But hardcore connections like apple pie constructed with pristine detail built a bridge. So did the stories of how Grandmother would attempt to redirect the temper and stubbornness she often saw in my Mother.

Grandmother was neat, tidy, and wise in many ways.

“This family-connection thing is really important,” I told Husband. “It gives me a sense of my own identity. It gives me a sense of heredity for me and my children. I know this is not a new concept, but it is poignant to me.”

Now comes the part where I relate this ADHD.

Family ties and structure help persons with ADHD perform more effectively toward their individual potential.

ADHD may be said to be a family-based or genetic disorder, which means many persons within the same unit struggle with similar life issues and challenges. In that case, family life may seem a bit more chaotic.

But that does not negate the fact that family structure is the most foundational social unit. Family structure and strictness provides a strut for the child or teen with ADHD, and that strut provides a guide for living up to potential.

Last night I talked with my cousin, Aunt Margret’s daughter who lives in Georgia. “I would give anything to be across a table from you now, eating bologna sandwiches and chips, and drinking Pepsi.” I told her. “And don’t forget the Hydrox Cookies.”

We both cried real tears at the memory.

That’s what I call a family connection.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

 

 

 

Depression Isn’t Straight Forward and Other Quotes

Sometimes I flutter like a humming bird or hovercraft when I see Husband retreat to a dark room or space where he can be all alone,

My usual and sterile question is always: “How do you feel today?”

And he will respond: “I don’t feel well.”

Of course, because I am really quite limited in responses, I continue with: “Are you hurting somewhere? Is it your body or your spirit?”

“It is in my spirit,” he tells me.

Will Rogers once said: “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”  However, it seems I miss many good changes. I keep on asking invasive questions.

“What do you want me to do for you?”

Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784, is one of the most quoted English writers after William Shakespeare. Personally, I find Johnson easier to understand. In his wise way, he wrote: “People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.”

And I suggest this is true when it comes to depression. People who are depressed need to be reminded that they are valuable.

So how can I remind Husband he is the most valuable of all people to me?  A hamburger from his favorite fast-food restaurant? Sitting with him through the umpteenth baseball game on TV? Sharing chatter I learned from our friends? At times, I am not certain. To quote Will Rogers again, I must remember that “when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”

Someone sent me this quote from Stephen Fry: “If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It is hard to be a friend to someone who is depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

Like other persons who have depressed family members, I really do want to be a friend to Husband.

And as I mentioned before, I think humor is one way to demonstrate friendship. Mark Twain believed humor is humankind’s greatest blessing, and he said: “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

One of my daughters cautions me not to always sound like an expert, even though I am one. So let me make this suggestion without sounding like a know-it-all. Have you laughed today? Remember that laughter relieves physical tension and stress. It boosts the immune system, decreases stress hormones, and improves your resistance to disease. Laughter releases endorphins, and promotes an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. As an added bonus, it protects the heart as it improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you.

“What do you think about laughter and humor?” I recently asked Husband.

He literally rolled his eyes upward: “It is necessary to raise your sense of well-being.”

“We haven’t laughed much lately,” I commented.

He smiled and laughed at that comment.

But we have spent many hours sitting together in silence or in brief conversations. I have held his hand, or brought him a glass of ice water. I know those are little things; I am trying to be his friend.

This weekend, we watched a show on life in Hawaii where we discovered that the Monk Seal is the only one native to Hawaii. Husband immediate response: “Does that mean they are Catholic or Buddhist?”  We laughed at a tiny piece of silliness, but at least we laughed.

 

 

She Thought I was Weird

“I’ll be writing to teens with ADHD about love and romance this week,” I told Husband. “I am trying to decide if I should write about something from your life or to teen girls in general.”

“I like the idea of your writing to teen girls in general.”

“That may be best, but before I leave this conversation, I want to ask you about the time you bought candy for Anna, your high school classmate.”

He knew I attended elementary school with this same Anna, still sadness and pain crossed his eyes for a brief moment.

“When you gave her the chocolates, what did she say?”

“She gave them to her friend standing next to her.”

“She gave them to someone else?”

“The other girl brought them over to me and said I should keep them, and I shouldn’t try to do it again.”

His face registered his sense of rejection.

“You mean on Valentine’s Day, she couldn’t have merely thanked you and moved on with it?”

“It was her birthday. I overheard someone say it was, so I thought I would buy her a gift.”

“Why did she do such a cruel thing?”

“She thought I was weird. Once I blurted out a comment in class, and she turned on me with a vengeance. She was an intelligent girl in English class, and I thought she was smart, that’s all.”

“So you admired her, and she thought you were weird because of your ADHD symptoms?”

“That’s likely it.”

“If I was going to write about teen girls with ADHD, I could write about times Baby Sis felt rejected due to her ADHD symptoms. She didn’t experience the same types of rejections. She did always think people were talking about her behind her back.”

But I kept on, “I am angry Anna hurt your feelings, but she was acting on information as she knew it at the time. The point is not to blame another person. It is the point to know that ADHD symptoms may not contribute to good relationships. Teens and adults with ADHD should learn behaviors that contribute to relationships, not impede them. Besides, I am glad it was me, not her that realized the treasure within you.”

I once told my husband that as a young man, he was often in love with love. Many scholars now bear it out: persons with ADHD can hyperfocus on romance because doing so increases dopamine which increases pleasure-producing neurotransmitters. But that does not necessarily create love relationships. The person with ADHD and his or her partner must take ownership of ADHD by treating it responsibly to manage the symptoms, increase dopamine, and help the brain work as it is supposed to. It is imperative persons with ADHD learn how to override the challenges of ADHD behavior and build the positive skills needed for lasting intimate relationships.

If you need help in this area, allow Dr. Atha the opportunity to assist you as you seek confidence in romance and love.

Contact us today at McNay & Voth, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558.

 

The Wooden Heart

“See? I am wearing the heart you bought for your Mother,”   I said as I pointed to my necklace.  I wear it annually, several times during the month of February.

Husband turned his attention toward me and the piece of wood hanging on the chain around my neck.

“Looks nice. I appreciate it when you wear it.”

It’s necessary for me to point out when I wear it. Otherwise, it would be a few days before he even noticed it.

“It’s carved from one piece of driftwood, right?”  I asked of the heart that it about two inches long and at least one inch across at the widest points.

He nodded. “I bought that for her Christmas present the year we lived in Seattle,” he remembered, “But I don’t know how much I paid for it. I only bought for her, not Dad. I never bought for Dad unless she shamed me into it.”

“That’s unfortunate,” I said as I quickly moved on to the next thought on my mind. “Was that before you had pneumonia or after? Was that the same year you got sick from the turkey dinner served at school?”

“I was developing the pneumonia the day I bought it for her. I’m glad I didn’t die before I got to give it to her.”

“How morbid!”

“Yeah, it would have hurt her a lot had I died at age 11.”

“Indeed! And your Dad, too.”

“I know that now, but in those days, I only thought about how much Mother loved me.”

“I wear this heart in as a tribute to you as a sweet boy who loved his Mother.”

“Yeah, I really did love Mother. She was the person who seemed to accept me more than anyone else. Sure, Grandmother McNay loved me, and so did Grandma and Grandpa Lutz. But Mother was my best friend when I was a kid.”

“I should tell you that for most kids, it likely is Mother who loves them best. My Mother loved me, and I know how much I loved our kids when they were younger. I still do. It seems arrogant, but I think I will always love them more than anyone could. Even spouses. It’s a different kind of love.”

“I needed my Mother when I was a kid,” he said. “She really liked me.”

“She did. And I loved her, too, because she was interesting and fun in the same ways that attracted me to you.”

“But you’re my best friend, now,” he said. “You’re the one who is sweet and kind to me.”

“I do love you, and I love the fact you were attached to your Mother when you were a lonely young boy who needed more friends and more self-confidence.”

It is essential for the person with ADHD to feel and accept love, just as it is for the rest of us. As you read here, often deep love begins with a child’s feelings for his or her Mother. As the psychologist, Lev Vygotsky noted, Mother serves as the primary social model for a young child.  Although Mother is likely involved in more activities with the young child, Father can also fulfill this role.

If you are a parent of a child with ADHD, remember that you are the essential social relationship in your child’s life, and it is you who can do much to help your child develop the confidence and self-esteem needed for later relationships.

I f you seek additional help with any parenting of a child or teen with ADHD, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558. We can help you as you develop the skills you need.

 

 

Christmas Cheer

While we were driving and looking at Christmas lights, I wistfully said, “Remember our first Christmas together? Do you remember the little table-top tree and ornaments? How about the pink caftan robe I made for you?”

Husband concentrated on his driving. Finally he asked, “What brought that up?”

“Oh, you know. I get nostalgic when I think of the many Christmas celebrations we enjoyed when our kids were little.”

“They weren’t born that first year,” he pointed out with a smirk.

“I realize that. But I think of Oldest Daughter’s first Christmas when she was five weeks old. I remember wrapping our presents with pink ribbons to commemorate her birth, and I remember her first pair of jeans that your sister bought her.”

Husband continued to smirk. He often tells me he draws frames of pictures in his head as he listens.

As I plunged ahead with my memories, I continued, “Then there was Crown Prince’s first Christmas when he was two months old, and your sister bought him his first pair of jeans, too.”

“Is this about my sister’s buying habits?” I could tell he was not too thrilled with this conversation.

“No, I think it is about true happiness at Christmas. Each baby brought immense joy and happiness at his or her first Christmas. Even when the money was tight, we were happy as a family.”

“When was it not tight at Christmas?” Husband growled.

“OK, that aside,” I agreed, “I wish to continue remembering happy moments from the past.”

“So are you the Ghost of Christmas Past? Long past or just your past?”

“Very good Ebenezer.”

“So, where is this conversation leading?”  I don’t think he likes to dwell on joyful thoughts.

“The emphasis of Christmas lies on the small pieces of happiness of being with family and doing things for others. The best memories do not highlight certain gifts as much as they do the times of being with people who are near and dear.”

He didn’t catch the part about not highlighting gifts. “One of my best Christmas gifts was the pogo stick Grandma and Grandpa Lutz bought for me in 1959. See, I even remember the year. They bought it just for me and my needs.”

“Was it the toy or the fact Grandma and Grandpa gave it? “

“Yes,” he responded in his usual way.

Christmas is not always joyful for the person with ADHD. It can be a huge challenge for him or her in terms of money and empathy. This year, help your person with ADHD appreciate his or her own strengths by encouraging one small volunteer service. It will give your person the confidence to focus on others instead of his or her own needs.

For more information on how you can help your family member with ADHD or yourself, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

 

 

Love and Respect

Last week, a woman I had just met asked an attention-grabbing comment about marriage. “Have you noticed that many women spend a great deal of effort loving their husbands who in turn show respectful consideration to their wives?”

I had to admit I had not thought of it in that manner, but as she further explained, I could see where she came from on her comments.

“Women do all types of things to show their devotion and affection for their husbands. They serve their men with love by doing for them. A wife may cook his favorite meal, make certain his clothes are ready for work or social occasions, plan activities with his family. She does this because she wants him to know she loves him above all else.”

“Are you saying you think such loving behavior is inappropriate or even unbiblical ?”

“No, but I am saying that when it comes to biblical direction, our culture may have it backwards.” She replied.

She and I had been talking about the biblical passage Ephesians 5:33: But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.

“Think about what this is telling us. We know each wife has a deep need to feel loved, and she needs for her husband to demonstrate that love in ways that are meaningful to her,” she continued.

I like the translation that say a man should love his wife as much as he does his own body,” I laughed. “It seldom seems to happen that way. I believe my husband loves me, but he loves himself more than he does me. I thought it was part of the ADHD thing.”

“It could be, but does he think he shows love to you?”

With thoughtful contemplation, I admitted, “He thinks it is enough to say he loves me and to do little things for me that he likes to do.”

Then she asked, “Do you respect your husband?”

“I make it a point to show respect even when it is difficult to feel it deep inside. I know he needs it. It’s important I consult him on most issues dealing with the family and management of our home. I ask his opinion and do my best to follow through with his desires. Sometimes is it a willful decision to do this because he has not always been that considerate of me. He also likes for me to praise him and brag on his talents.” After a brief pause I continued: “I also keep step with him when we walk together. It may sound funny, but I purposefully match my steps to his.”

I mindfully remembered past his past decisions that centered-around what he wanted and what he thought was best for him. He was not considerate of me, and he knew it. For that reason, he would hide those decisions from me.

“I can see where this information would benefit the couples where one is a person with ADHD. The man with ADHD should set goals for learning how to make his wife feel loved. The woman with ADHD should set goals to respect as well as love for her husband,” I remarked while my mind chased after ways I wish Husband had showed love for me in our early years together.

“I can’t go there,” I thought. “The significance of this conversation lies in how well I can go forward with the future.”

Instead I said, “For me, the term respect means holding Husband in high regard and valuing his presence and comments. He comes first before any other person I know, even our grown children.”

My new acquaintance continued, “I want to recommend a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.  Dr. Eggerichs talks about how to make a good marriage even better. “

She said it is a book that helps couples communicate better. However, today at lunch, I asked Husband what the word respect means to him.

“If you lose it, it is something that is difficult to get back.”

“But do you think I respect you?”

“Sure,” he said. “You tell me you love me and ask me to go places with you.”

Hmmm, I think we need to work on communication.

 

 

 

 

A Complimentary Word

This morning a national TV personality asked her audience: “Have you made it a habit to speak a compliment to your spouse or partner each day? Actually I recommend you make a habit to do it four or five times each day. See how it helps to heal your marriage.”

She laughed loudly when a woman in the second row of her audience groaned audibly.

“What’s so funny?”  I thought. This was one time I did not feel guilty reflecting on the challenge.

I enjoy giving Husband compliments. His face lights up each time I do so, and when he is fighting depressed moods, it is one of the best things I can do for him.

He compliments me, too, and I remember a specific time he made a point to say nice things about me.

We had been married less than three months when I came down with a bud or allergy or something yucky along that line. I felt horrible, and I looked like death warmed over. Or, at least I thought I did.

I stood in the sitting room of our little apartment with my hair plastered against my head, no make-up, and a general pasty pallor. Yep, it was a bad as it sounds.

Husband looked across the room and in a most sincere tone said, “You are a beautiful woman.”

One simple statement.

“I feel awful, and I look it. Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious,” he replied emphatically. “I can see the structure of your face and the blue of your eyes. I am sorry you don’t feel well.”

That gave me enough energy to wash and style my hair. Lesson learned.

A few years later into the marriage, a friend was at our house one afternoon when Husband arrived home from work.

I said my usual greeting to him about how nice it was to have him home.

My friend said, “I want to tell you something. You always encourage your husband. Like right now, you affirmed him by telling him how much you like seeing him come home, and I heard you thank him for working hard for you and the children today.”

“I try to tell him that every day. His job stresses him, and I really do appreciate his working, so I can stay home with the kids.”

“It shows,” she said. “I have noticed it many times. You compliment him or thank him in a natural way. He must really appreciate it.”

Later that evening I asked him about it. “Norma says I encourage and compliment you often. Do you feel as if I do?”

My heart somewhat dropped to my feet when he paused to think about it for such a long time. The seconds literally seemed like minutes.

“Yep, you do. I just think it is part of your personality. I know I don’t feel like I deserve your kind words.”

“I only tell you what I honestly think or feel,” I assured him. “I sincerely love you.”

Going back to this morning’s TV program, I talked back to the host of the show. I admit it; I am one of those who talks to the TV.

“You are spot on, Girlfriend. Keep telling women who are in their struggle years. There may be some in that audience who are married to really hateful jerks. But likely many of them are persons prone to condemn more than praise.  It will be much better for each if she learns how to compliment more and criticize less. ”

I am going to be honest with you. There were times when Husband deserved for me to strap him on my foot like an ice ski as I took a walk around the block. There are times when it took every ounce of effort to say one nice thing to him during the day. However, early in life I learned to choose the right thing before doing anything.

The right thing is a positive, encouraging word. A positive you is a powerful you.