Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

In Honor of the ADHD Man on Father’s Day

This week offered another delightful opportunity for an interview on the Brett and Sierra Show, and we used it to talk about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

As Brett began the discussion, he asked, “How can the man with ADHD get those pesky irritating chores done without distraction or procrastination?”

First of all, the partner or spouse should avoid nagging him. Nagging does not help. Procrastination is problematic, and it is often an issue of time management.  Time management belongs to the area of organization, and mental disorganization is often common among men with ADHD. How we organize is personal, from our own inward way of looking at the issue.

Click to watch Dr. Atha talking with Brett and Sierra about men with ADHD!

The man with ADHD procrastinates because the task or chore does not warrant how he wants to spend his time.  When the motivation is strong enough, he will spend his time on it. I should go ahead and say that many men with ADHD do not procrastinate, especially at their jobs, because their own self image is tied to their careers.

Sierra then asked: “Why can it take longer for the man with ADHD to get into a project, not to mention  getting it even half-way completed?"  As an answer, I suggest that many men with ADHD have it all figured out in their minds how they want the finished project to look or how it should come together.  They have pictured it as a perfectly completed project. As they work on it and find they are not doing it perfectly, they become frustrated.

We can also place the blame on the twins Distractibility and Executive Function Challenges. I recommend that tasks and chores be broken into doable, bite-size portions where they will not seem overwhelming. The chore has to be done in stages anyway, so use that to advantage.  When the man finishes a small task or even one that is larger, he can be spurred onward by the feeling of success.

When interruptions  distract the ADHD man from a task, he can hold on to a physical artifact to remind him of what he was doing.  It will focus his attention more quickly, and help him return to the task. For example, a hammer in hand may remind him that he was working on a broken gate before he got interrupted.

The man with ADHD himself may also ask: “How can the person with ADHD deal with boring tasks or chores?”  It is important to see the significance in the chore such as cleaning the garage or changing oil in the car.  One man links a seemingly insignificant chore with time to listen to his favorite music. His busy work schedule allows little time for his music, but by choosing a couple of chores each week, he schedules a date with his music and headphones, and meets two goals in one setting. The beauty of music is good for the brain, helps lower blood pressure, and provides a super background companion.

Another man might ask: “What make good incentives to begin and complete a task?” The answer to that will be most personal. The tiniest thing can be a huge incentive to complete a sizeable task. “I’ll treat myself to a favorite snack when I get this done, “ one man might say. Another’s wife offered tickets to a baseball game when he completed a much-needed house repair. Of course an incentive can be huge if the task is highly important. One person promised himself a new motor home if he got his tax information to the account before the deadline.  Needless to say, he had been wanting a motor home for several months, so it worked well for him to link it to getting his taxes done. 


For more about men with ADHD or to view this interview, follow the link above or visit our website, coachadhd.com.

Woman in Battle

Our nation sets aside Memorial Day as the one official holiday to honor citizens, men and women, who served and died during war. When I was a child, we called it Decoration Day when folks put flowers on the graves of dead loved ones.

Today I use Memorial Day to lay verbal flowers at the feet of one particular citizen who fought in a unique war: Husband’s Grandmother, June Lutz.

Grandmother June is my hero for many reasons, but mainly for the 52 years she was wife to Grandpa Roy, a man with ADHD. Keep in mind that Grandpa was never officially diagnosed with the disorder; it wasn’t officially recognized while he was alive. However, I KNOW, I just know that he is one of the genetic reasons Husband is a person with ADHD.  It explains why Roy was who he was.

June told me she was enamored with Roy while a teen. She loved his mother for the same type of creative and unconventional behaviors she loved in Roy. When she was 18 years old, she married him, and I consider that the day she went to war.

Roy was creative, funny, and hilariously socially inappropriate at times. Whenever he made off-color remarks, June shrieked “Roy!!”, and we all laughed until the tears came.  It encouraged him to keep it up.

He also could be kind-hearted, generous, and loving which is one reason his three daughters adored him. But he had a problem for many years; he self-medicated with alcohol. He claimed he drank because of the pain of osteoarthritis in his legs, but I suggest there was more to it. When drunk, he was mean, and June and his daughters carefully skirted around the landmines of his anger and surliness.

As do many spouses with ADHD, Roy demonstrated an uncontrolled, sporadic indifference to their feelings and just about everything else. During the times he made strong willful efforts at being better, June forgave him.  When he was obstinate and hateful, she straightened her backbone and stood strong against him.

Even when he stopped drinking, she continued to be the resilient partner who brought in the family income during an era when mothers seldom worked outside the home.

As I think of my own battle weariness, I am reminded that June loved Roy and continually encouraged him. I think she would understand if I could explain why I choose to forgive Husband: his total disregard when I ask him to complete a chore, or even begin it, his lack of caring of my needs and wants. She would understand the frustration of living with a man who chooses not to tell the truth, and who blames all his failures on other people. Since that same man is her grandson, she might even threaten to wash his mouth out with soap as she did when he was a child.

I feel assured June would agree with me that wives of ADHD men must comprehend that their husbands have a low level and one-dimensional attention to task. One of my greatest realizations came when I comprehended that Husband did not behave that way on purpose. As long as I thought he personalized his behavior against me, our relationship was in trouble.

She would also understand why I continually focus on my husband’s strengths and good qualities. She would know that leaping from one negative thought to another and to another only ties my emotions into knots. It doesn’t move us forward toward victory.

June was a child during World War I and a responsible adult during World War II.  First hand, she knew the value of being willing to fight for the things she believed in, which in this case was her marriage.

ADD is not easy for persons who have it or for those who live with them! That's why all ADHD marriages can benefit from the support of someone who truly understands the pressures associated with ADHD behaviors.  I invite battle-weary spouses to contact McNay &Voth where we can custom build strategies to help your marriages.

 

What Does It Mean to Survive?

Regarding our mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, a reader inquired whether being the parent of a child with ADHD potentially threatens parents’ lives.

She was joking with me, but her point brings up an issue we should discuss.

What does being a parent of a child with ADHD do to or for the mother or father? Does it cause anxiety or nervous breakdowns? Does it result in deep depression and sense of failure?

Possibly the response is not that severe, but it can give rise to tension, frustration, and even anger. I stress the anger part because the exasperation of living with a child with constant behavior challenges can result in the parent reaching the end of his or her rope. The ADHD child can raise the dimensions on bad behavior.

When caring for a child with ADHD, a parent becomes the manager of the total intervention or treatment program, serves  as an advocate for the child at school and home, or probably oversees medication when necessary.  I suggest that survival means that the parent wears many hats and learns proven ways to handle his or her own struggles and frustrations.

First, the parent must learn as much as possible about this disorder known as ADHD. What does it mean that your child is a person with ADHD? How did this happen to him or her? Will he or she outgrow it? Since ADHD is a neurobiological reality, parents in the know come to realize that their children with ADHD are not broken. They merely are different.

Second, parents must understand their children’s personalities. As a parent, you are an expert on your child’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and emotions over the long haul of life. Each child with ADHD posses his or her own unique personality, and each personality brings color and texture to life.

Third, a parent should concentrate on the child’s strengths as opposed to what he or she does wrong. It could be that strength is his or her sense of kindness, or intelligence. Maybe it is a creative talent in music or art or even a specific academic field. Persons with ADHD can successfully build on their skills and strengths as they develop new behavior and inner control . 

Lastly, wise parents will closely evaluate their expectations for the child with ADHD. Do parental frustrations stem from a disconnect between who the child is and who the parent wants him or her to be? Does the parent expect the child to “fix” himself or herself, or does the parent willing step in to help? Is there worry that others will think the parent has failed at being a good parent?

McNay & Voth’s mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, touches several pain points parents often feel with and for their children with ADHD.  If you’ve not viewed our practical recommendations, we invite you to find them at http://www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html.

 

This Mother’s Survival Guide

If you’ve followed my blogs over the past couple of years, you know I try to insert as much humor as I can into the concept of living with ADHD.

It’s a fact that persons with ADHD can be funny and the situations that affect the family can be side-splitting hilarious. For instance I wrote about my daughter with ADHD who liked to pretend she was a mannequin, and how her impulsive actions or comments cause us to literally bend over with laughter.

I’ve also written numerous examples of how Hubby with ADHD thought and behaved totally outside the box in the earlier days of our marriage.

My soul still bears the marks and bruises of some of those actions.

But today I share another truth about ADHD in either yourself or your family member: the behaviors and symptoms associated with attention deficit often bring dilemmas and aches. One of my acquaintances calls them pain points.

Because of pain points and the daily struggles my readers face, I created a convenient mini course A Mother’s Survival Guide to ADHD.

In it I cover such topics as:

        ADHD’s long, credible history

        ADHD families suffer in silence

        Simplifying the stress

        Building positive behaviors

And several other practical topics

I endeavor to touch on some of the pain points families with ADHD encounter on a daily basis, and I offer solutions or remedies to help families find ways to alleviate the pain.

I hope to interact with you at one of your pain points and gift you with support and encouragement.

A few of the solutions I recommend include:

Learn the unique ways your family member brings color and texture to a linear world.

You can bring order to chaos and bring space to your life.

Parents and children can learn to be partners for successful behavior management.

You will hear me say such things as:

The first medical writings on symptoms similar to what we now know as ADHD began to appear in the late 1790’s in the works of Sir Alexander Crichton, a Scottish physician, when he described persons who are distracted from attending fully to a task or object.  Sir Crichton said “When born with (this set of behaviors) , it becomes evident at a very early period of life, and has a very bad effect, inasmuch as it renders him incapable of attending with constancy to any one object of education. But it seldom is in so great a degree as totally to impede all instruction”. 

Wise parents learn how to pick their battles and remain calm in escalating situations. Experienced parents learn to identify behavior triggers. Successful parents know that a sense of humor helps to defuse potentially explosive situations. It also helps parents maintain a positive perspective on the situation. Remember, sarcasm is not a form of communication.

These only touch the tip of the wealth of information that you will discover in the mini course, information I learned from both scholarly studies and from nearly one-half century of personal experience.

You can find it on our web page at www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html, and I invite you to take time now to obtain the course and to recommend it to friends with similar struggles.

If you have other questions, phone us at 316-655-9807316-655-9807 or 316-6557079.

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An Interview for the Holidays

An opportunity to work with KWCH TV station affords opportunities for our monthly interview on and sponsorship of The Brett and Sierra Show, a community program for persons throughout the Wichita viewing area.

Our latest show on December 3, 2013 allowed us to talk generally about the holiday season and ADHD. Read this brief summary of that conversation, then use the link at the bottom of this page, and watch the interview for yourself.

Brett: Things during the holidays can become hectic for all people. For families that include persons with ADHD, it can be additional struggles. How do the holidays often affect family members with ADHD?

Dr. Atha:  Since it is often the mother who does the planning and the details of preparation, a mother with ADHD is often overwhelmed and undulated by the responsibilities. If there is a father with ADHD, he may become stressed and angry because of the extra money spent during the season. Of course children with ADHD are usually excited about Christmas or the holidays. A child with ADHD may exhibit acting out behaviors.

Sierra: What might we do to soften those worries?

Dr. Atha: If you invite a person to your home for a holiday party, or if the person is a family member, the individual will need options for different activities during the gathering. For instance have several venues such as a set of board games, a food table, a conversation pit, so the individual has reasons to move around without becoming stabilized. It is also a good idea to be aware of the different personalities you have invited to the party.

Sierra: What can do to help our friends with ADHD complete tasks during the holidays?

Dr. Atha: I like to tell people to KISS it – that is Keep it Simple and Simple. Don’t overdue. Don’t over-commit. Not every tradition has your name on it. A close friend or family member can be the gentle accountability person. Give daily reminders. It is so sweet to have a friend ask “What can I do to help?”

Brett: Dr. Atha, you personally know about how ADHD can affect families since your family includes persons with ADHD. What suggestions do you have for families? What does your agency do to help families with ADHD?

Dr. Atha: We ask a lot of questions: “What are your concerns? What has worked for you? What has not worked for you?” We find that families and individuals know more about the solutions to their concerns than they initially think. We don’t tell people what to do; we work with them to discover the answers deep inside themselves.

Did this interview pique your curiosity? Hear more about our conversation by using the link below.

Our next interview will be Tuesday, January 7, 2014. Watch for us at 4:30 PM on Channel 5.

http://www.kwch.com/brett-and-sierra-show/support-those-with-adhd-during-busy-holiday-season/-/22489676/23275288/-/v46wy/-/index.html