This Mother’s Survival Guide

If you’ve followed my blogs over the past couple of years, you know I try to insert as much humor as I can into the concept of living with ADHD.

It’s a fact that persons with ADHD can be funny and the situations that affect the family can be side-splitting hilarious. For instance I wrote about my daughter with ADHD who liked to pretend she was a mannequin, and how her impulsive actions or comments cause us to literally bend over with laughter.

I’ve also written numerous examples of how Hubby with ADHD thought and behaved totally outside the box in the earlier days of our marriage.

My soul still bears the marks and bruises of some of those actions.

But today I share another truth about ADHD in either yourself or your family member: the behaviors and symptoms associated with attention deficit often bring dilemmas and aches. One of my acquaintances calls them pain points.

Because of pain points and the daily struggles my readers face, I created a convenient mini course A Mother’s Survival Guide to ADHD.

In it I cover such topics as:

        ADHD’s long, credible history

        ADHD families suffer in silence

        Simplifying the stress

        Building positive behaviors

And several other practical topics

I endeavor to touch on some of the pain points families with ADHD encounter on a daily basis, and I offer solutions or remedies to help families find ways to alleviate the pain.

I hope to interact with you at one of your pain points and gift you with support and encouragement.

A few of the solutions I recommend include:

Learn the unique ways your family member brings color and texture to a linear world.

You can bring order to chaos and bring space to your life.

Parents and children can learn to be partners for successful behavior management.

You will hear me say such things as:

The first medical writings on symptoms similar to what we now know as ADHD began to appear in the late 1790’s in the works of Sir Alexander Crichton, a Scottish physician, when he described persons who are distracted from attending fully to a task or object.  Sir Crichton said “When born with (this set of behaviors) , it becomes evident at a very early period of life, and has a very bad effect, inasmuch as it renders him incapable of attending with constancy to any one object of education. But it seldom is in so great a degree as totally to impede all instruction”. 

Wise parents learn how to pick their battles and remain calm in escalating situations. Experienced parents learn to identify behavior triggers. Successful parents know that a sense of humor helps to defuse potentially explosive situations. It also helps parents maintain a positive perspective on the situation. Remember, sarcasm is not a form of communication.

These only touch the tip of the wealth of information that you will discover in the mini course, information I learned from both scholarly studies and from nearly one-half century of personal experience.

You can find it on our web page at www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html, and I invite you to take time now to obtain the course and to recommend it to friends with similar struggles.

If you have other questions, phone us at 316-655-9807316-655-9807 or 316-6557079.

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Tax Day

April 15^th. The dreaded Tax Day. Possibly you’re among many tax-paying Americans who don’t dread the deadline to file your Income Tax forms. You’re done, and your tax return is in the mail.  If so, then congratulations.

However, for many adults with ADHD, filing tax forms often brings a sense of guilt or gnaw of defense and plethora of excuses as to why the forms are not ready to mail by midnight. On the other hand, the same adult can take heart.  You can easily overcome tax quandaries this year and can be ready for next year’s tax season.

If you’re not ready to file you tax forms this year, quickly expend the time and effort to consult a tax preparation specialist, and learn how you can file for an extension. If you have the forms, but not the money you need to pay, talk to the tax specialist on how you can file now and pay later.

Keep the promise to yourself that you will be ready earlier next year to get your tax forms done on time. Orderly record keeping may not be the most interesting project for you to carry out, but it can be done. When tax time rolls over us, it's important to have a head start on the process of filing.

Whatever it might be, your personal system for organization can serve you well in your record keeping. Possibly for you, it is a simple matter of a large paper grocery bag. I’m not kidding; I saw it work well for a late friend. She was a professional, and she made a super income. She just did not like to take on the challenge of sorting papers related to income tax. The current year’s brown sack sat on the corner of her desk.

Any paper, bill, receipt she thought might be related to taxes went into the sack. “I take it to my tax lady and let her sort out the important ones,” she told me when I laughed at her system. “That’s what I pay her to do.”  It worked. No guess work as to what the tax preparation specialist might need.

Other persons find that they do well with color-coded files, and they make them simple in case another member of the family may need to get to the information. Pick a color that matches your concept of what goes in the file. For example, red is often associated with medical expenses. Yellow is matched with contributions and charity donations. Whichever color you use, it must remind you of the content. Keep these files in a crate or desk drawer that you will see each month. Whenever a tax record comes across your desk that month, file it immediately in the correct file folder. Other persons use open small baskets or containers of different colors. Open baskets allow for a quick toss when sorting important pieces of information.

Of course, you need an incentive for filing those papers each month, so think how you might reward yourself when you do. Undeniably, you are bribing yourself to do something that needs to be done anyway, but persons with ADHD often focus better on any task when there is have a reward or reason for doing so. I expect you will know exactly what works well as an incentive for you.

 

 

 

An Interview for the Holidays

An opportunity to work with KWCH TV station affords opportunities for our monthly interview on and sponsorship of The Brett and Sierra Show, a community program for persons throughout the Wichita viewing area.

Our latest show on December 3, 2013 allowed us to talk generally about the holiday season and ADHD. Read this brief summary of that conversation, then use the link at the bottom of this page, and watch the interview for yourself.

Brett: Things during the holidays can become hectic for all people. For families that include persons with ADHD, it can be additional struggles. How do the holidays often affect family members with ADHD?

Dr. Atha:  Since it is often the mother who does the planning and the details of preparation, a mother with ADHD is often overwhelmed and undulated by the responsibilities. If there is a father with ADHD, he may become stressed and angry because of the extra money spent during the season. Of course children with ADHD are usually excited about Christmas or the holidays. A child with ADHD may exhibit acting out behaviors.

Sierra: What might we do to soften those worries?

Dr. Atha: If you invite a person to your home for a holiday party, or if the person is a family member, the individual will need options for different activities during the gathering. For instance have several venues such as a set of board games, a food table, a conversation pit, so the individual has reasons to move around without becoming stabilized. It is also a good idea to be aware of the different personalities you have invited to the party.

Sierra: What can do to help our friends with ADHD complete tasks during the holidays?

Dr. Atha: I like to tell people to KISS it – that is Keep it Simple and Simple. Don’t overdue. Don’t over-commit. Not every tradition has your name on it. A close friend or family member can be the gentle accountability person. Give daily reminders. It is so sweet to have a friend ask “What can I do to help?”

Brett: Dr. Atha, you personally know about how ADHD can affect families since your family includes persons with ADHD. What suggestions do you have for families? What does your agency do to help families with ADHD?

Dr. Atha: We ask a lot of questions: “What are your concerns? What has worked for you? What has not worked for you?” We find that families and individuals know more about the solutions to their concerns than they initially think. We don’t tell people what to do; we work with them to discover the answers deep inside themselves.

Did this interview pique your curiosity? Hear more about our conversation by using the link below.

Our next interview will be Tuesday, January 7, 2014. Watch for us at 4:30 PM on Channel 5.

http://www.kwch.com/brett-and-sierra-show/support-those-with-adhd-during-busy-holiday-season/-/22489676/23275288/-/v46wy/-/index.html

 

 

Only One Martha Stewart

Thanks to ADDitude Magazine, I think of Martha Stewart who has made a fantastic name for herself as an American icon of business. In fact, as early as her teen years, she began showing her hand at being a business woman when she worked as a fashion model and in advertising.

Today she is the guru of homemaking and home décor. I don’t know of many women who dislike her style and elegance. Possibly a few resent her perfection, but it seems likely a majority of American woman drool each time they read her magazine or watch her on TV.

She is one of the richest women in America, and when I see her displays, I wonder how many employees worked ridiculously long hours creating and artistically styling holiday decorations both indoors and out-of-doors for the amazement of the audience. Obviously she can afford to hire it done.

For that reason, I resent the turmoil that takes place deep inside me whenever I read her magazine. In fact, the turmoil is so deep, I’ve stopped watching her on TV. I don’t even know if she still airs shows on TV.

I do know that a Martha presentation in my house would take extra hands to help me, and those hands are not available. Money isn’t always available, either.

Yes, Husband is multi-talented and has an eye for artistic arrangements. No, he is not willing to help when I come up with a project that requires his help.

After all, it is not his idea.

Is it ADD or personality, I always ask you and me? I give much of the credit to his oppositional defiance that is part of his ADD. If asked to do something that takes extra energy and effort, and if it is not his idea, he won’t take part.

He shows his stubbornness or purposely does a faulty job, both of which have hurt my feelings countless times.

In the days when I hosted every Christmas get-together for his family, I asked him to paint a small spot on the wall leading upstairs. It was an obvious patch job that had not been finished, and I had been asking him for weeks to get it done. OK, you are not surprised that my Husband with ADHD had not completed a task. When he finally did (about an hour before they arrived), he applied blue paint to a yellow wall. Even a person who is as color-blind as he is could see the startling contrast.

“You used BLUE paint?” I asked incredulously.

“Why not. It’s painted now, isn’t it? After all, it’s just my family.”

“It isn’t for your family, it’s for me,” I nearly screeched. “You were to complete that job because it means something to me.”

I think he walked away mumbling that had I wanted it yellow, I should have painted it myself. Good point.

Martha would have hung the perfect wreath on that same wall. I left the blue patch in hopes someone would comment on it.

Another Christmas, I purchased the materials for Husband to help me build a Barbie house for Oldest Daughter. We couldn’t afford one that was commercially made, and I wasn’t certain how to construct it.

“Why do you want to do something as silly as that? She doesn’t need a doll house.”

“Yes, she does. She plays with her Barbie dolls all the time. It merely needs to be opened on one side with two floors and a pitched roof. I have furniture for it.”

It ended up being hastily thrown together and not at all what I had designed. He painted it in the same blue.

So why I am writing about this? Along with resolving to avoid being Martha, I made another resolve: stop asking him to help with my projects. Of course, that is exactly what he wanted me to do, and it certainly makes for a less-frustrating marriage arrangement.

With the holidays upon us, I offer this advice to the spouse, and I point this mainly at wives, of a person with ADHD. You might need to lower your expectations this year. Stop drooling. Relax. If your spouse will not help with your holiday ideas, let them go, or modify them to your own time and skills. If your ADHD spouse likes projects, begin now for next year. Don’t wait until the last few days before the holidays for putting your ideas in motion.

I doubt even Martha Stewart does last-minute projects.

 

 

 

Turn in Your Homework

Today I came across an old photo of Crown Prince, our only son. I seldom write about him in the blog on ADHD, but occasionally it seems quite appropriate to at least mention his name.

Only this time I want to do more than mere name reference.

In the picture a most serious little face stares back at me through large glasses. Because he was small for his age, the 11 year old boy appears to be quite younger, at least in the photo. In real life, he seemed much older, especially when comparing his functioning to his size.

Teachers often bragged about his quick ability to learn and his quest for knowledge. Lest he become arrogant or proud of his intelligence, his Grandfather loving reminded him, “Remember son, wherever you go in life, you will always meet someone who knows more than you do about some subject.”

“Yes, sir, Grandpa,” my son wisely replied.

Yet, even though he learned quickly and retained a huge amount of information, his school report card didn’t always reflect it. Whenever I saw grades of C on his card, I was alarmed. It meant he had not been completing assignments.

So, being a prudent mom, off I would march to the elementary school.

I remember one particular conversation with Mr. Rick, one of the teachers in the gifted program at that school.

“I wanted to touch base with you about my son’s math grade. What’s been going on with him that he only earned a C this quarter?”

“He’s a great kid and pretty sharp in math,” Mr. Rick countered.

“I’m aware of that, so why didn’t he earn a higher grade?”

“He doesn’t turn in his daily assignments. He does really well during class discussions and on tests, but the grade reflects his assignments.”

“You mean he doesn’t do them?”

“Oh, I see him working on them, but he doesn’t turn them in as I have directed.”

“Which is what?”

“Put his name on the paper and place it in the assignment basket on the counter. Many of his assignments are missing. I record assignments daily, and I will ask about them. Your son says he’s done them, but still fails to turn them in.”

“Can you ask the school secretary to send my son to your classroom while I am here?”

In a few minutes my precious child was standing in Mr. Rick’s class with his eyes wide and a frightened expression on his face.

“Mom! What are you doing here?”

“Hello to you, too. I wanted to know why you only earned a C in math this quarter. I thought you were handling the concepts rather well.”

“Sure, I get it.”

“Well, Mr. Rick says you’re not getting the part where you turn in your assignment.”

“I turn them in. I always finish my work.”

“I’ve asked you several days in a row to turn in your assignments. You didn’t do it,” his teacher countered.

Before my son could argue, I asked him to pull all papers out of his math notebook.

“Bingo! I see at least seven assignment papers,” I exclaimed.

My son’s face turned crimson as he stammered some sort of excuse. I didn’t even waste the time in my mind to listen. I was too busy looking for additional assignments which I found buried in a stack of drawings of airplanes and other mechanical illustrations.

“So, I think you should be following your teacher’s process for turning in these assignments. At your age, he shouldn’t have to chase them down from you.”

“Yes, Momma.” I have to admit, the way he said those words melted my heart.

Later Husband recalled that his teachers had him clean and search his desk every Friday for late assignments and throw-away trash.

A major difference was that my son is not a person with ADHD.

The similarity is that my son lost focus and became disorganized with his math.

That was the only year I made the effort to check regularly on my child’s math assignments. After that, I allowed him to learn from the consequences. Today he has earned two Masters degrees and controls his responsibilities well.

The scene plays out many times in the lives of students with ADHD in middle school and high school. Parents and teachers struggle as they attempt to lead these students to complete homework and turn it in. Students get frustrated as they battle disorganization and the nagging adults.

It can become a matter of finding and using the right incentive with the student. Coaching lends a hand when it comes to remaining on focus.  At McNay & Voth ADHD services, we help parents and student find those incentives.

 

 

 

 

 

VBS 10 Months Early

“Hmmm, I guess they haven’t changed that sign for a while,” I mentioned to Husband as we drove past a neighborhood church.

“What sign do you mean?”

“The one on that church we just past. It says VBS June 9-14. Today is August 8.”

“What makes you think they haven’t changed it? Maybe they are 10 months early,”  he said with his characteristic smirk.

I took a few seconds to pause and ponder what he said. OK, this was one of his jokes.

“Oh, my goodness! I guess you are right. I always fail to think that far ahead, “ I teasingly agreed.

“I know. That’s because you aren’t blessed with ADHD.”

“True,  I ‘m not. I don’t think outside the boundaries like you do.”

“I concur. It’s part of my ADHD creativeness. I just see things from a different perspective than you and most people.” He said it with a stoic blank expression, but he couldn’t hold a straight face for long; he laughed at his own wit. 

I readily agreed with him again. He often thinks in totally different directions than I do. Maybe it’s a male v. female issue. Maybe it’s because he has a quicker sense of humor.

No, I think he was right. His ADHD processing skills gives him a completely different capacity and perception.

It’s inconsistent that he mentioned planning ahead. Here is the man who seldom plans 24-hours ahead other than for going to work or church.

“How peculiar that you would see it as planning ahead.”

I saw that familiar grin cross his face again.

“Well, yes. That’s because it wasn’t I who was doing the planning. I merely reacted to their planning.”

“Does that mean I shouldn’t get my hopes up that you have seen the advantage of planning ahead?”

“Who said they had the advantage for planning ahead? I am the excuse-maker. I know all the comments for justifications or explanations. It’s one of my ADHD talents.”

In essence he said, after all these years, don’t get hopeful that he has improved his planning skills, and as I think about it, I would be foolish to ask him to reinvent himself. He wouldn’t be himself.

If it’s a choice between planning ahead or being witty, I choose the latter. I certainly don’t want him to stop being clever. We’ve endured many months of depression when he looked at me with a blank affect or expression, and during which times he had little humor and didn’t even laugh at our humor. I choose his comic, off-handed comments any day over struggling, pushing, and upholding him while in the depths of despair and despondency.

“So” , I asked, “Are you telling me it is far better to justify an out-dated sign with the explanation that it is actually ahead rather than behind?”

“Sure. I learned that from Mother. When she didn’t get her Christmas cards mailed before December 24, she waited until the following April or May to mail them. Then she told people she was merely early with her cards for the next Christmas.”

You do know, don’t you, that ADHD has a strong genetic link?

 

 

 

Summer Bliss and Structure

I readily admit I loved the weeks when my children got out of school for the summer vacation.

I liked not having to get them up early when they were tired and resistant to leaving their warm beds.

I liked not having to compel a healthy breakfast that would get them through the morning routines, or packing a nutritional lunch.

I really liked that they did not have homework pressures for me to oversee. Basically I love the amount of freedom their vacation added to my own day.

However, unless you think I used the summer vacation for total selfish leisureliness and relaxation, I must quickly go on to say that I liked the different types of structure the summer months allowed us to enjoy.

Summer gave me particular structure customized to the needs of my youngest child, a person with ADHD known to readers as Baby Sis.  Summer offered her a break from the constant pressures meeting the expectations of school rules.

Summer vacation granted her the gift of opportunity; it allowed her to be ADHD.

Typically, I allowed all my children extra sleep time during the summer weeks, time for their bodies for resting, growth, and refreshment. That didn’t mean they slept away the morning; usually they were up and going by 9 A.M.

A consistent sleep pattern set the first step in structure for my ADHD daughter; sleeping routines began her day in the most promising manner. For the most part, children with ADHD do better when they know what is expected of them.

Awakening Baby Sis sounded something like this: “Ummm, no, no, no. Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

“It is almost nine o’clock. I will come back in five minutes, so be prepared to get up then.”

And five minutes later, her response was: “What, what? Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

But she did stir and get up after the second call.

At the beginning of the summer, my children attended VBS at our local church where the activities and learning schedule helped them transition from the routines associated with school.

Education experts encouraged us to exercise our children’s minds during school breaks, so planning a regular activity from year to year provided that boost. Baby Sis really liked VBS as she looked forward to both the fact it was in a familiar place with friends from church and the new and interesting activities built around the different yearly themes.

“Mommy, I get to carry the Bible (or one of the flags) during the processional today.”  Just remembering her enthusiasm still brings tears to my eyes.

As to the remainder of the summer, I did not wait for Baby Sis and her siblings to ask for direction. I planned activities that enhanced her self-esteem and sparked her creativity. She took swim lessons, played on a softball team, played with the children in the neighborhood, attended summer reading programs, and spent time alone with her art projects.

And on the days when Kansas temperatures rose to 100 plus degrees, she watched movies in the TV room of our basement. During these afternoons, she danced, sang, and ate snacks of her choice. Her favorite was Tomorrow from the Little Orphan Annie, a movie she completely memorized. Then she might fall asleep on the sofa when exhaustion took her captive for an hour or two. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498.

Summer routine for my child with ADHD meant she made choices that corresponded with her daily interests and split-second decisions. It meant she continued to learn to follow the guidance I furnished and the flexibility we planned into each new day.

Apple Pie and Family Connections

When we first married, I told Husband many stories about my precious and wonderful extended family. I am related to some really neat and admirable people on both sides of my family lines.

Usually though, I talked more about my Mother’s people because they lived nearby as I grew up.

“You should meet my Aunt Margret,” I would often tell him.

“I hope to do that one day. From everything you say about her, she modeled neatness and orderliness for you more than your Mom did.”

“Oh, yes. Aunt Margret was the utmost in being an aunt, even though she was Mother’s sister-in-law. She loved me. I learned much from watching her.”

“And you said she was a great cook. That’s the most interesting part about her.”

“Yes, and I should tell you about her apple pie. She made homemade applesauce for her pies then filled pie shells with it. By fill, I mean over the top which she crowned with lattice crust.”

“Really ? It sounds good.”

“Oh, it was better than good, and Mother told me Margret learned how to bake and cook from my Grandmother Dutton.”

She made pies and fried chicken from the recipes taught her by her Mother-in-law, my grandmother that I never knew.

It was a connection. Do you know what I mean?

My Grandmother died four years before I was born. I only knew her through Mother’s stories and memories.

It was not the same.

But hardcore connections like apple pie constructed with pristine detail built a bridge. So did the stories of how Grandmother would attempt to redirect the temper and stubbornness she often saw in my Mother.

Grandmother was neat, tidy, and wise in many ways.

“This family-connection thing is really important,” I told Husband. “It gives me a sense of my own identity. It gives me a sense of heredity for me and my children. I know this is not a new concept, but it is poignant to me.”

Now comes the part where I relate this ADHD.

Family ties and structure help persons with ADHD perform more effectively toward their individual potential.

ADHD may be said to be a family-based or genetic disorder, which means many persons within the same unit struggle with similar life issues and challenges. In that case, family life may seem a bit more chaotic.

But that does not negate the fact that family structure is the most foundational social unit. Family structure and strictness provides a strut for the child or teen with ADHD, and that strut provides a guide for living up to potential.

Last night I talked with my cousin, Aunt Margret’s daughter who lives in Georgia. “I would give anything to be across a table from you now, eating bologna sandwiches and chips, and drinking Pepsi.” I told her. “And don’t forget the Hydrox Cookies.”

We both cried real tears at the memory.

That’s what I call a family connection.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

 

 

 

Let’s Talk About Organization

This afternoon I asked Husband if he would discuss organization with me. He got a pained look on his face and frowned.

“No, I am not organized.”

“So what do you think about organization?”

“I think it is one of the nicest things ever invented for other people.”

“I guess that means not you?”

“That’s right. That’s exactly what it means,” he said as he turned and purred at the cat.

“Why not you?” 

He turned his head away to think, “Well, That means I would have to remember what I organized and where I put it, and that is virtually impossible.

“You keep your dresser drawers organized quite nicely.”

“I do that to keep me from embarrassing myself publicly.”

“Why is that?”

“You know. People don’t like it when you go out in public without underwear and socks and things like that on. They get all excited and call the police about your public exposure.”

“Other than your undies, when do you think you have been organized? Ever?”

“When I took certain college classes and at work I had to know when and where documents were to be delivered.”

“Are you saying it is a matter of incentive or motivation or external reason?”

“External? No, not really external; more like internal huh, what’s that p word? Policy. Internal policy. That was the motivation.”

“Why is it difficult for you to be organized?”

He repeated the question under his breath.

“We’ve been married more than 38 years; you tell me.”

“If I knew the real answer for that and a sure fix for perpetual disorganization, we could bank the profits.”

I continued asking, “What was your desk like when you were in elementary school?”

“A trash can with pencils and pens and lots of papers that should have been turned in, but I couldn’t find them at the time.”

“Did anyone try to help you organize your desk?”

“Sometimes a teacher would put the garbage can next to my desk and tell me to throw away anything I didn’t need it in, and turn in the ones I should have turned in.”

“Would it have helped if a teacher asked you to do that every Friday before school dismissed?”

“Not really. I did the same thing with my locker in high school.”

“And then you graduated from your locker to your messy car?”

He merely nodded his head with a sad expression across his face. “As I matured, I realized organization is a personal matter. The way I organize my things may not be the way others organize their things.”

As personal as this conversation may seem, I expect thousands of adults with ADHD can relate to Husband’s experiences. They are more like him than different from him when it comes to organization. Possibly as he has done, other adults with ADHD have learned across time how to organize their work or personal space. Possibly also like him, organization is more difficult at home than at work.

If you or someone you may know with ADHD have problems with organization, whether that person is a child, teen, or adult, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com  or phone us 316-771-7558. Let us help that person develop his or her own sense of organization.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

 

 

Time Command Center McNay

I expect it seemed a strange place to think about this, but last week as we used the bank drive-though, I philosophically mentioned, “Do you realize that 1963 was 50 years ago?”

Husband didn’t even look up from his paper work. But I saw the shadow of misery pass across his face.

“Why do you look so sad?” I asked.

“Why did you ask such an asinine question?” At that point he turned his body toward me as with a most puzzled expression all across his face.

“I saw you write 2013, and thought that I never dreamed I would really live to see this year. I did the math, and fifty years ago was 1963. I was just entering my teens, and now I plan ways to detain retirement.”

“Where did the time go?” I continued.

“It went too quickly,” he agreed, “and most of the time I wasn’t even aware of it being present in the first place.”

“Fifty years ago, we thought time would stand still, which we now know it does not. We thought time was a thing we could control or hang onto.”

“You tell me that we cannot control time; we only control ourselves. So much for self-control.”

His musing reminded me of how time-control methods evolved in our household.

“I think we learned to do it best when we learned to make it a group effort.”

“Meaning?”

“We kept a family calendar, or at least the kids and I did, and reminded you frequently of your part on it. And, I think it is a system that works best in many households of persons with ADHD. We try to hold those with ADHD responsible for time management, but it seems most successful when there is a command center, so to speak. Ours was in our kitchen. Remember?”

“ Hardly. Well, maybe, barely. I recall I wrote on it a few times myself.”

“The successful part of it for us was that you were not responsible for maintaining it. Of course, I mostly used calendars designed for mothers, but in doing so, I learned to write down deadlines and important dates. The kids learned to use it, too.”

“Where is our command center these days?” he asked.

“You’re kidding, right? It’s my day planner. As a result of the family calendar, I began carrying a day planner and keeping it where I always know where to find it.”

“Oh, yes. The red book. At least it was red last year.”

“I record all your appointments and mine, my daily work goals, and ideas or other thoughts that come to me. My use of it came to me over time, but I now read that experts recommend similar uses for a day planner.”

“I doubt I will ever really use one,” Husband declared. “I know I won’t. I would forget what I want to write in it.”

“You’re highly resistive to changes and effort like this. The thing you could learn is to immediately give me your appointment cards. Or. now that you have a Smartphone, you can also learn to use your reminders application.”

Many adults with ADHD fail to use a day planner or even calendar as a way to record deadlines or dump their spontaneous ideas. However, we reassure you the day planner is one of the most effective ways the adult can learn to control his or her time.

If you are a person with ADHD and find that you cannot successfully use a day planner, don't give up. You may need to have the learning process broken down into even smaller steps. You may need assistance from a strong support system and the guidance of an ADHD coach.

Contact us at McNay &Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachADHD.com or phone 316-771-7557, and let us help you learn skills for time management.

 

Messy Desk Boys

I once heard a lady with ADHD describe her messy purse, and it reminded me of the term “a messy-purse girl.” I don’t think it requires description. Likely you already have a mental picture.

 “Hump,”  I say. “It isn’t just females who live within the walls of clutter and messiness. I remember the boys in school with perpetually messy desks.”

Do you remember the ones who had to clean out their desks once per month? Remember how they would find all sorts of treasures from missing homework and pencils to baseball cards and of course, the latest missing library book?

“Be careful,” Husband says as we both turn toward his desk in our home office. “I resemble that remark.”

Yep, he’s right about that. Even these days, piles of papers and envelopes lay scattered in some form of organization across the top of his rather large desk.

They’re not totally unorganized, but they are not orderly or laid out in an easy-to-find arrangement.

“Don’t touch the things on my desk. I won’t be able to find what I need if you do,” he tells me.

“Find?” I ask incredulously as I look at the collection of hodge-podge items such as address labels from magazines and other items waiting for the shredder, marketing and sales materials, brochures, bills and the envelopes they came in, a candy wrapper, and this year’s Christmas photo from his nephew.

He just does not keep items in a certain order. Why doesn’t he try standard organization tactics such as color-coded files or three-ring binder?

“Athalene,” he has said to me in his firm and authoritative voice. “I don’t know why I organize like this. If I knew how to keep it neat and tidy, I would do so.”

So am I to assume his clutter is due to a lack of knowing? Does he fail to keep it tidy because it is beyond his skill set?

I think not. In fact, I imagine his desk and his way of organizing represent the way things are arranged in his mind with non-sequential groupings and order that is reasonably logical to him.

Professional organizers say that individuals should organize their space in a way that correlates with how they live in that space. Not all people organize in the same way, and for it to be more practical, each person should use his or her space in a unique way and how he or she wants it to function.

“They” don’t have to walk past Husband’s desk several times a day, or wish for less clutter in their homes.

I am not as dull-witted as I may look. As a matter of fact, I am wise enough not to wade into his messiness and begin throwing out his effects. One day, I even helped him purge. He decided what to keep and throw, and I did the actual work.

I once shared with Husband, “Organization Guru, Julie Morgenstern, recommends what she calls the “Kindergarten Classroom” method for organizing. Divide the space or room into activity zones. Focus on one activity at a time.  Store items at their point of use.  Put things away in the new homes you have created for them. Use colors or other visuals to help you remember the different zones. Do you think you might like to use that idea?”

He stared me squarely in the eye. With one hand on his head, and the other resting on the opposite hip, he sang, “I’m a little teapot.”   I got his message.