5 Reasons Why you NEED to be Involved at Your ADHD Child's School...

Yesterday during dinner, Husband lamented on how much he misses his mother.

“She’s been dead 38 years, 11 months, and 27 days, and I think about her almost every day.”

“Evidently. That’s rather exact counting.”

“Yes,” he proceeded without catching the hint of sarcasm.”She was so involved in our lives when we were kids. You know that she volunteered at our elementary schools. Teachers and other kids loved her.”

“I am quite aware of her involvement in your lives and how much fun she generated. What brought that up? Why are we talking about this?”

“It was something you said about being right-brained and needing support.”

He was right. I do tend to talk a great deal about ADHD and how it affects the people who live with attention deficit. My Mother-in-law didn’t realize she modeled great strategies for mothering children with ADHD.

I suspect that she also was a person living with ADHD, and she merely used her skills as an outlet for her own creativity. I want to be clear about this: I deeply loved her; she was a super person to know. She made us laugh, and she loved us.

Husband was correct. The child with ADHD, often called the right-brained child, needs much support at school, and whenever it is possible, the parent who can volunteer at his or her child’s school creates positive connections. 

Here are five top reasons why parents of ADHD students profit from being involved at their kids’ schools:

1. Parents model ways of caring for others.

2. Parents and teachers get to know each other.

3. Parents make friends with other parents.

4. Parents are available when their children need support.

5. Your child will be glad to see you there.

“Mom was always friendly with other parents and other kids. She was just a friendly and kind face to everyone in the building.”

“I am curious. What did this do for you as a kid?”

“It was always good to see Mom. She was a part of everything in my life.”

“I think her presence provided the structure your ADHD self needed.”

“Oh, yes. I would have to answer to Mom if I got into trouble in school or failed to get my work done. I never thought of this before, that is, I never thought that with her in the building, it was better for me.”

Life After Retirement

I was sitting at the kitchen table one morning in October, 2010, when I saw Husband walk up the sidewalk to the front door.

As he opened it, he saw the question written across my mute face.

“I got laid-off this morning. I am officially still employed until December, but I have too much proprietary information in my head. They walked me out to my van, and I cannot go back for my personal belongings until they call me.”

We had been expecting this type of news off and on for many years. After all, Husband worked for the aircraft industry, and over the years, many people have been laid off from aircraft.

This time, it was 700 workers who lost their jobs. Many had decades of experience as did Husband.

“I guess 36 years of loyalty didn’t mean much to them,” he complained.

“Let’s go out for breakfast,”  I suggested because I wanted to take advantage of the fact we could.

Throughout the meal and the ensuing long drive in country surrounding Wichita, he tried to put on a brave face.

It didn’t work well. “I am embarrassed that they walked me out.”

“Were you the only one?”

“No, several long-term employees, men and women, got walked to their vehicles.”

“Hmm, sounds like a compliment that all of you knew a lot about the business. It wasn’t directed only at you.”

Still it deeply hurt his feelings in a way not related to ADHD. Of course, ADHD didn’t help when it came to his recognizing that lay-offs are distributed without consideration of the individual employee or skills of practice. It was difficult for him to filter out the fact that the lay-off was not directed at him personally.

“I would like for you to help me in my office. I can’t pay a salary right now, but I can take you out to lunch each day, and you can help me grow my business.”  I suggested.

“What would I do? I don’t know your business.”

“You have excellent transferable office skills that would benefit us as we develop.”

He liked the part about going to lunch each day, but he didn’t like having to refocus his skills. He played Free Cell much of the time.

He officially retired and applied for Social Security. He felt a bit better that he still received income. I have to give him credit; he continued to look for employment that would not interfere with Social Security benefits. In the mean time, we spent much time together in a routine and structure created by my work and teaching activities. He had structure, exposure to light, and when he would walk with me, he exercised.

“I know what I’ll do, “ Husband told me a few weeks after the lay-off. “I’ll go back to school and earn certification in another field.”  He enrolled in online classes to begin his studies. I was proud of him for making a proactive decision.

It worked as long as my office remained at home where I could help establish structure and help him focus on his tasks. However, when I rented office space away from home where I could meet clients, his enthusiasm for online learning quickly dissipated.

He told his doctor he wanted nothing more to do with school. Maybe he would work in the kitchen at a local hospital. I attempted to discourage that choice. I know that his ADHD, impulsive comments, and quick temper would not be a good match for that type of environment.

His doctor suggested freelance writing. I groaned inwardly because I knew who would be writing the articles, and it wouldn’t be him.

In a way typically of persons with ADHD, he exploded with loud outbursts of temper and anger caused by his frustration. He applied for a job with the turnpike authority, and they called him back for an interview. They didn’t move quickly enough, though. Waiting to hear from them as to when he started the job nearly drove him to distraction and me to finding a different place to live. Finally, the storm calmed down when he began training for the new position.

As my dear friend remarked, “It’s a shot in the arm for him.”

Of course, when he lost his job, he lost part of his personal identity as do a majority of workers when they lose their jobs. It is a painful experience, but we are moving past it. Has it taken a long time, and does ADHD complicate the healing? Of course. The part we can walk away with stems from the fact that healing can happen, and life can continue after retirement or job loss.

 

 

 

Know Your ADHD

Many of you have heard the story of how I met Husband when we were students at Friends University in Wichita, KS.

One day in English literature class, he said to me, “What was this author trying to say? I didn’t understand this shit, and it made me nervous. So I stopped reading.”

Since I knew nothing about ADHD at that time, I attempted to enlighten him about the work in question. I swear his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.

Throughout the years, we have discussed how ADHD affected his ability in college.

I told him: “As early as the late 1790’s, a Scottish doctor, Sir Alexander Crichton, described the characteristics ADHD with words such as inattentiveness and restlessness, which he called ‘the fidgets.’ He noted that children with those behaviors were unable to pay attention in school and suggested these kids receive individual education interventions. What do you think of that piece of information?”

As he gazed into my eyes, Husband said, “Scottish, huh? I’m Scottish. Maybe it’s a national epidemic. I think I resemble his remarks.”

“Be serious; one thing has been born out by literally dozens of studies and empirical evidence. ADHD is a genetic-based condition that tends to run in families, which is strongly evidenced on certain genetic and DNA markers. It is complex. Neurotransmitters which serve to manage other networks are thought to not pass along messages through synaptic gaps.”

“So you are telling me I have gaps in my brain? I’ve known that forever.”

“You have lots of smarts. But in the early 1900’s Sir George Still of England talked about the symptoms as ‘moral control in the normal child’, and he referred to ‘control of action in conformity with the idea of the good for all.’ He said those children were emotionally volatile, aggressive, and they lacked of insight into the impact of their actions.”

“So what is this? What are you telling me? I lost you somewhere in all those words.”

“ADHD is a brain-functioning disorder with a highly social significance. Most persons with ADHD are quite intelligent, but the inattention process often impedes learning or academics. Like you were in our English lit class.”

“Yes. By the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what it said at the first of it.”

Are you or a family member a person with ADHD? Researchers today don’t always agree on the cause of the disorder. However, the effects they agree on; it is a series of symptoms involving inattention, impulsivity, possibly hyperactivity, or a combination of any of these. Often we hear the terms Executive Function and frontal lobe associated with ADHD.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching, we know how ADHD affects lives of persons and their families. We offer coaching for the person with ADHD, and we help family understand the disorder.

Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or phone us at 316-771-7557.

Christmas Traditions

Oldest Daughter was three, and Crown Prince was two months old when Husband instructed me, “Atha, I want there to be several gifts under the Christmas tree for each child every year.”

I correctly interpreted this to mean he wanted me to buy and wrap those several presents.

“How many is several?” I asked.

“Oh, 20-25 each ought to do it.”

“How many?” I gasped.

“Mom used to make certain we four kids had that many presents each, and I want to continue the tradition with my kids.”

I bit my lip to keep from telling him to start shopping. Instead I asked, “What kind of gifts? Did she really spend that much money?”

Knowing that Father-in-law could be tight with money, I didn’t expect she spent hundreds of dollars on presents in the 1950’s.

“Oh, she might wrap one colorful pencil. Sometime she wrapped socks for us boys or nail polish for the girls, but she made sure we had several packages to unwrap. You know – hats, gloves, shirts, candy, and bubble bath, things like that.”

“Did you go around the room and open them one at a time, like Grandma Lutz taught us to do?”

“Yes. The fun for Mother was wrapping packages in front of us and going shopping with money she really didn’t have. She might wrap a package and hand it to me. Then she would say: ‘Go put a name tag on this.’ I would ask her which name. ‘Well, yours,’ she would say, ‘Didn’t you see me wrap it?’ “

For some strange reason, at the time, I thought this was funny. Now, I see the ADHD way of thinking, and it seems a bit farcical.

Whether it was or not, I did as Husband requested, and every year I began going to garage sales in September to find bargains on toys and play items. I kept a hidden list that helped me keep track of the number of gifts for each child. It had to be an identical amount.

You notice we kept Husband’s family tradition, and you also notice I am the one who did all the work.

Husband knew how to cut himself a great deal of slack during those holidays. He might assemble a toy I bought, or carry a box of goodies I baked. He knew how to keep one tradition alive, the one tradition that had his name on it in a manner of speaking. Where I was influenced by the traditions thrown at me from commercials and marketers, the one tradition he considered important came from his Mother’s ability to think outside the box (no pun intended).

Persons with ADHD and their family members can take a lesson from this: not all holiday traditions have your name on them. Husband wisely chose one that held a treasure of memories for him, and that is where he put his focus. Even today, he never allows the season to become overstimulating or overwhelming for himself. I recommend you keep your traditions simple. Don’t develop to-do lists filled with items you likely will not even look at.

For additional resources and help with ADHD, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557.

Be Mindful at Christmas

The sign at a local school immediately caught my attention: Be Mindful of Parking Procedures.

“Ha! ” I said aloud.

Right away Husband jumped and asked. “What?”

“It says be mindful of the procedures. It did not say ‘ follow the rules ’ ‘heed procedures’, or even ‘ watch out for children’. It says ‘be mindful’.”

“Isn’t that one of the terms you always use when talking about ADHD?”

“Yes, it is,” I said. “I challenge persons to be mindful of behaviors associated with ADHD, especially as those behaviors reoccur in their children or spouses with ADHD. I tell them to stand back and observe or pay attention on purpose without being judgmental and with a focus for being in the moment.”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“Basically, it means a person can intentionally observe, describe, or even take part in the moment without becoming all emotional or defensive. We talk about being mindful of God’s presence. Knowing He is with us doesn’t stress us out or cause us to be upset.”

“It might, if we feel guilty enough.”

“That’s a different topic. Being mindful of God’s presence helps us to relax and it reduces stress. For Christians, it helps us remember He brings forgiveness and peace, if we are willing to accept them.”

“So does this have something to do with parking lots?”

“Not in religious terms. I just think it is curious they used the word mindful.  But mindfulness in general can help persons with ADHD reduce a sense of stress. It can also help family who get frustrated with the ADHD member.”

“Now you are getting personal.”  He turned and scowled at me.

“Not that I couldn’t, but seriously, this is not all about you. Mindfulness can allow an individual a sense of flexibility. It is looking at behaviors in a new perspective and even with new sensitivity. Mindfulness also helps with building the attention center of the brain. The more an individual regulates or focuses his or her attention to being mindful, the more he or she thickens the attention center. Meditation or focus does a similar thing. We can call it mindful mediation.”

“So it is a matter of how and when we are mindful?”

“You got it. For example, we can mindfully eat a meal at a slower pace and focus on the taste of the food. We can mindfully reflect on what Christmas means and meditate on God’s goodness.”

If you are a person with ADHD, you and your spouse and children can benefit from the practices of mindfulness during the holiday season and the end of the year:

1.    Meditate on the meaning of the season.

2.   Be mindful of your traditions for celebrating and how you can make things easier.

3.   Practice meditation to dispel old habits and contemplate how you want to live in the future.

4.   Make time throughout each day to listen to the quiet around you.

If you wish to take a fresh approach to living with ADHD, and have questions about ADHD or the practice of mindfulness and ADHD, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com.

 

 

November and New Babies

 “Come back,” I called, “You must foam your hands before you go into the room.” 

I had to repeat it three times. “Come back here.”

Two days ago, Husband had nearly pushed me aside as he opened the door at the Birthing Center.

Finally he turned toward me in irritation. “Who says I have to?”

Accustomed to his ADHD oppositional defiance, I merely pointed to the many signs posted on the wall of the Center, and he reluctantly complied.

“I’ve got to meet Keaton and hold him,”  Husband called over his shoulder. His grandnephew was less than two hours old. “He’s three days shy of being born on his sister’s third birthday. I’m eager to see him and her with him.”

Oldest Daughter will celebrate her birthday a few days from now, and the births of these precious children bring back memories of her November birth.

We didn’t foam in and out in those days. Before we were allowed to hold our own baby, we had to open a handy wipe and wash our hands in front of the nurse. Can you believe it?

The night Oldest Daughter was born, Husband left me in the recovery room (things have changed a lot since then) and went straight to the receiving nursery. Soon he came back with her on his shoulder.

Naturally, I reached for my child, and he drew back with her.

“You carried her for nine months. I get to hold her,” he declared.

“But that’s my baby,” I protested.

“Mine, too,” he countered, and he continued to hang on to her tiny body.

The first morning after we came home from the hospital, I woke to find her crib empty, and in my panic ran to find her with her daddy.

Husband held her on his left arm with her feet securely tucked next to his chest. With his right hand, he guided his shaver over his face.

“She wanted to be with her daddy,” he said as I leaned against the door frame with relief and a little disbelief.

Seeing Husband with the new baby this week flooded my mind with memories of him with all three of our children.

“You are so good with babies,” I told him.

“I know,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m a natural with them.”

“You know I consciously comment on your strengths,” I reminded him.

“Yeah, what about it,” he quizzed.

“It keeps me from obsessing about the things you don’t do.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t get me started. Let’s just say that seeing how tender and sweet you are with babies counters the fact I have to remind you to clean out the cat box.”

“What does a cat box have to do with new babies?”

“Precisely,” I told him.

I could see he did not make the connection.  To use his maxim, I may need to use a fat crayon and Big Chief tablet to draw him an explanation.

Communication Social Skills

Nearly 30 years ago our family learned sign language in order to communicate with a neighbor’s child. It has proven to be one of the best skills we have enjoyed as a family.  A variety of sign languages are used throughout the United States, and sign language can be considered the fourth most used language in our country, especially when talking about American Sign Language. One of the neatest aspects of knowing sign language is how to use body, space, manual expression, and facial expression.

Husband uses sign language quite beautifully, and for many years served as an interpreter to deaf members of our church congregation.

Our family uses it when we cannot talk in church or other places such as school meetings when we poked fun among ourselves at a school board member/mother in our community. No, don’t feel sorry for her. She was offensive to many people in our school community; we just had the means to talk about her behind her back in front of her face.

Call it tension release.

Yesterday we had another great opportunity for tension release, only this time it was another customer in the hair salon where we go for haircuts.

Our stylist cut Husband’s hair before starting in on me. We were the only ones in the salon expect for another stylist who was waiting for her next customer.

When he bounded through the door, we all knew it. He came with his slightly self-focused smile, a head-full of bushy curls, and his loud voice.

I happened to turn toward where Husband sat waiting for me and asked “ADHD?” in sign language.

With squinted eyes, Husband watched the new customer closely for a while without making a comment.

Customer said, “Yes, it has gotten long and curly. She wants you to take it to a fall-weather cut. Trim this part of my beard. She wants me to have a goatee.”

Within two minutes we heard about the impending anniversary celebration and the party their grown children planned for them.  OK. We had no problem with that conversation, although it was a bit loud.

In answer to his stylist’s question, Customer soon said, “We are also going to New Orleans to the French Quarter. She has never been there. I have many times because my brother is a performer, and he has often done shows in the French Quarter. I flew down to be with him there several times.”

We learned more about his brother. “He travels all over the USA, but his home is in California. He is 66 years old, but he still has to work. Well, you can imagine how it is to own a business such as that.”

I had turned several times to observe Husband’s face. He continued to squint. He still had not answered my question.

Customer had not stopped talking about She and about the impending celebration and of course, his brother. Husband still had not answered my question.

Customer continued, “Yeah, I told my brother about this trip, and he is happy for us. He offered to meet us there. That was a neat suggestion.”

I looked over at Husband who crossed his arms.  He made a fist with his left hand and swiped across it with his right palm. Then he circled the tip of his nose with the right fist. My stylist saw us. “I see you are talking? What did he just say?”

“Full of shit,” I replied. Tony burst out laughing.

Without taking much breath, Customer said, “So I mentioned it to her. The idea didn’t go over very well, actually. She said that she does not want my brother along with us while we are there to celebrate our anniversary.”

He was quite for a few thoughtful moments before continuing. “Usually I stay with his group when I go because the cost of hotels in New Orleans is really expensive. Anything over $100 per night is too much. I am only there to bathe and sleep. She made the reservations for this trip. I told her not to tell me how much the room will cost her.”

I glanced at Husband who laid his right arm on the left. With one hand he put up two fingers like bull horns. I began to laugh before he even wiggled the fingers of the other hand. So did Tony. “I can tell that one. Bullshit, right?”

 

Celebrating Another Anniversary

We had not really celebrated when our second anniversary on the actual date. My Dad died three weeks before, and my Mom came to stay with us a few weeks. On the actual anniversary, we took her with us to a nice restaurant.

For me that would have been enough, but I am blessed that Husband is a true romantic.

Weeks later, Husband suggested we try a real celebration with dinner at a favorite dreamy spot.

“Let’s go the Holiday Inn Plaza downtown,” he suggested. “We can have salads and split-pea soup.”

I rubbed the baby bump that seemed to be growing every day and thought of the first-born child we expected in less than one month.

“I think I can handle that,” I cautioned. “Foods like that should be OK for me and Bingo.”  I referred to the nickname we affectionately called our child.

“I remember the night I took you there on our first date, the second time around.”  He tends to treat such memories with undue emphasis on the feeling and with excessive nostalgia, but that is fine with me. I love being the focus of his feeling. “I remembering being wound-up with the thought of us being together again; I really wanted to take you to a nice place.”

And it was a nice place for the early 1970’s. The backs on the wicker chairs were exceptionally tall and curved toward each other, making a canopy over the table. Each setting was private and cozy.

“I like the service there,” I admitted, still thinking if salad and pea soup would settle well with my condition. “I think there will be room for my belly.”

“Afterwards we can drive around on a lengthy tour of the city and county just as we did on that other night.” He looked toward the ceiling where he viewed the vision of a long car ride.

“One or two differences between now and then,” I reminded him. “I was not pregnant and needing to stop for a bathroom, and we had not seen each other for several months. Now I have to go frequently, and we have been talking every day for over two years.”

“ Good. You like the idea.”

We chose a lovely fall night that had a bit of a nip in the air. I clearly remember wearing the cape I made to accommodate my expanding body. I flapped along like a bat on growth hormones.

The Plaza was built with a kiva-like lower level leading to the restaurant, symbolizing our Native American roots in Wichita. I handled the steps well without having to actual crawl down them, and we stepped inside the warmth of the lobby with anticipation.

Husband wore the purple denim jacket I made for him our first Christmas. “I like that you wore that jacket. It still looks very nice on you.”

“My wife made it for me.”  He said it with pride.

Settling at a table with memories rushing through his head forced Husband’s brain to race like a car.

“Did I ever tell you what I did after that first date? I went home and told my sister Debby that I was going to marry you.”

“You did? That was quite an assumption.”

“And she said, ‘I didn’t know you have been seeing Atha.’ ”

“Oh, I haven’t. This is the first time I have seen her in over a year. But I am going to marry her.”

About that time the waitress came to take our beverage order. Still wrapped in his euphoria, Husband leaned across the table with a huge smile and called me by my maiden name.

“So, tell me, Miss Simers, what have you been doing with yourself lately?”

The waitress looked dumbfounded at me, and I smiled in return.

Then, I learned back in my chair and began patting my huge maternity belly.

Startled, Husband grabbed the cloth napkin on his left, opened it, and fanned his face vigorously. The red color crawled up his neck and across his face.

We laughed heartedly, and the waitress laughed with us.

He was so embarrassed, he couldn’t order dinner, so I did it for the two of us. “Coffee for him, ice tea for me, two chef salads and two bowls of split-pea soup. We are celebrating our second wedding anniversary.”

Thoughts about Getting Married

Two days ago a friend complained about the many days of Kansas heat we’ve experienced this year.

“It was 110 degrees the day we got married,” Husband told him. “Of course it didn’t seem that hot to us then.”

What was he talking about? It was hot during that July; it is hot this July.  I admit we were much younger, but 110 degrees still made me sick.

After dinner on the day we got married, we walked across the street to a park next to the river. Suddenly I felt ill and went to the women’s facility. Later I found out he was in the men’s facility being sick, too. I hoped it was nerves and heat and not getting married to me.

In a previous post, I told you our wedding ceremony took place at 10 a.m. on a sunny and potentially hot Saturday.

I planned it that early because I did not want to wait all day to get married.  Besides, I don’t think people would have come out in that tremendous heat just to see us legally united.

“We only invited close family and friends,” I told one of my daughters.

“Why such a small wedding?”

“It was a compromise. I wanted a church wedding; he wanted to elope. I kept my guest list under 20; his mother invited several friends and neighbors. She didn’t ask; she just invited them. Now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have been surprised at her doing so. That is exactly the type of thing she would do. ”

When asked if it made me angry, I had to admit it didn’t really bother me.  I shrugged my shoulders and figured she was so happy to get us married, she wanted to celebrate.

“I think I now understand why he didn’t want a large wedding ceremony.”

“Because it would cost money,” she sneered.

“Well, that was probably part of it. Neither of us had much money, and my parents could not afford a huge wedding for me.  I think it was the planning. He just wanted to get married so we could be together, and he was too impatient to make plans over time. I was, too.”

“ Yes, Dad can be spontaneous such as the incident when he hung your underwear out the window of the Holiday Inn Hotel, downtown Wichita.”

He thought it was the funniest thing he had done that day.  Of course then and other times I laughed at him, and I enforced his totally inappropriate sense of humor that time and all the other times I laughed.

 “Mom, don’t encourage him,” the kids tell me.

I think of that episode and wonder how it was I didn’t connect all his behaviors before we married.

I should have figured something was amiss, right?

The CHADD organization (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) shares a graphical illustration of ADHD which they call the ADD/ADHD Iceberg. Above the water one can see a small protrusion of ice, but below the water there is a huge, hidden portion that is much more dangerous and ominous looking. The idea is easy to catch. Much of the complexities of ADHD are hidden beneath the surface.

“I’m glad I didn’t know about ADD or ADHD when we married. I might not have gone through with the wedding. That would have been a terrible loss and shame. Not only would I not have you three kids, but I would have missed out on many benefits of being married to such a unique person.”

“Do you wish you had guidelines like people now have?”

“Guidelines may have helped us, but we did have the Bible, and those principles served us quite well through all the growing and maturation together.”

I am thankful I married this man and that he is a person with ADHD. I have many advantages being part of a couple with him.