First Night Home

“Do you want me to stay the night with you guys?” I asked one last time,

Thanksgiving Evening, we prepared to leave Anna and Ben’s house after a huge meal. Baby Amelia came home on her third day of being born, and we were overjoyed with the prospects of her addition to our family.

“No, we will be OK,” new momma Anna told me. “But I want her to sleep in the bassinet in our room. I’m not ready for her to be in her crib.”

New father Ben and Uncle Kyle assembled it with a certain amount of frustration, but they got it all prepared for the baby.

Anna cried as she lamented that she had not gotten certain preparations completed before the baby was born.

She blamed it on her ADHD way of thinking.

Then she cried that something might happen to the baby as they slept. I assured her that would not happen. I knew the pain from her C-section and fatigue were talking.

So when Anna phoned me crying loudly at 2:17 AM, I immediately asked if the baby was OK.

“Yes, she’s fine. She won’t stop crying. I’ve tried nursing her twice, but it doesn’t help. This is the worst night of my life.”

My own baby and her baby were learning to adjust amid the newness of being home without nurses and with the discomfort of Anna’s stitches.

“This was a stressful day, and she can feel your stress. Let’s get you both relaxed a bit. First of all, stop trying to nurse her. It might upset her stomach.

“Now go sit in that huge comfy rocker you bought for the nursery. Put her against your chest, skin-to-skin. Wrap both of you in blankets and begin rocking. Ask Ben to sit facing you in case you fall asleep. He can help protect both of you.”

In a few minutes Anna texted to say the baby was quiet and resting. Ben was reading from the Bible to them.

Within thirty minutes, Anna phoned again.

“He’s gotten to the part where King Herod had all the babies killed, “she wailed.

I covered the phone, so she wouldn’t hear me laugh. Poor new daddy. He was doing his best to comfort his girls.

“What is the purpose of having a child if there is all this trouble in the world?”

“That is not yours to answer,”  I reminded her. “It is God’s business. Your job is to get quiet and take care of Amelia.”

I didn’t hear from Anna until four hours later.

“She let us sleep 2 ½ hours since I last nursed her. It felt wonderful,” she gushed.

I quickly dressed and woke Grandfather Scott, so we could make the 30 minute-drive to their house.

Amelia and I spent the morning together while Anna got more sleep, and Ben went for her pain medication. He said his mother would spend the rest of the weekend with them.

“Thank heavens!” I said. I had to work the next day, and Grandma Barb is a nurse. I knew all would be better.

ADHD or not, being a new mother presents all type of challenges, especially the first night home alone as a family. I know they will successfully adjust, just as I know grandparents will support in any way feasible.

However, personally, I’m glad that first night is in the past.

 

Building Self Esteem

This month we focused our local TV interviews on the problem of low self-esteem in women and girls with ADHD. 

Keep in mind that not all females with ADHD suffer with low self-esteem, but many do and the pain continues throughout the life time.

Women with ADHD in their 50’s and older often tell me, “Atha, it’s been like this all my life.”

You might ask, “How do we know the girl with ADHD has low self-esteem?”

That’s rather easy. She will tell us that: other kids do not like her at school, she cannot make new friends, the teacher and other students poke fun of her at school, or the kids at church seem to shut her out of the social interactions.

These types of statements hurt a parent’s heart. I know they hurt me whenever Anna said something similar.  I was ready to go to battle in her behalf. For instance, a youth minister’s wife once said she wanted to talk to me about Anna’s behavior during youth meetings.

“Before you begin,” I held up my hand. “Has anyone warned you about me? If you are concerned, I want to hear it. If you are going to complain, brace yourself.”

Fortunately she had a legitimate concern that I needed to address, and taking this back to self-esteem, parents want to know how they can help their child, teen, or young adult feel better about herself. The concern for Anna here had to do with social behavior that set her apart.

 Women's Self Esteem

For one suggestion, parents can help override low self-esteem with a basic mantra – brag, don’t nag.  I strongly recommend praise in areas where parents can do so genuinely: praise the girls sense of kindness, praise a skill in athletics, arts, music. Praise the girl when you catch her doing something outstanding. Praise the effort, not necessarily the outcome.

For another idea, girls benefit from the consistent support of parents who encourage when academic challenges seem overwhelming. Most communities have tutoring services or learning centers available, and many families contain members who are skilled in writing papers or working math problems. Either of these resources presents excellent support for learning the skills that challenge. The operant word is learning; it is not whether the girl earns straight A’s.

For a third suggestion, parents should be ready when the girl is put on the shelf socially. Parents can provide positive social settings such as at church, or a community organization. They can also help their daughter develop one-on-one friendships by overseeing her behavior with friends, by inviting a potential friend out for dinner or for an overnighter, or by taking part as a leader in church or community events.

One prominent social celebrity told me others often shut her out and poked fun of her when she was a child. “The pain is still with me,” she said. “I can’t imagine how bad it is for the ADHD girl in today’s technological world. Cyber bullies and hateful comments on Facebook means the girl cannot get away from it, even at home.”

One good friend can make a huge difference for the female with ADHD. So can staying alert to opportunities to express her unique talents.  As well, posting positive comments about herself around her living or work space will help her battle the urge to develop negative beliefs about herself.

Lastly and importantly, we know that ADHD coaching helps her set goals and be more effective in daily living.  Coaching helps females with ADHD of all ages with developmental skills, transitioning to adulthood, and with later adult functioning.

This Mother’s Survival Guide

If you’ve followed my blogs over the past couple of years, you know I try to insert as much humor as I can into the concept of living with ADHD.

It’s a fact that persons with ADHD can be funny and the situations that affect the family can be side-splitting hilarious. For instance I wrote about my daughter with ADHD who liked to pretend she was a mannequin, and how her impulsive actions or comments cause us to literally bend over with laughter.

I’ve also written numerous examples of how Hubby with ADHD thought and behaved totally outside the box in the earlier days of our marriage.

My soul still bears the marks and bruises of some of those actions.

But today I share another truth about ADHD in either yourself or your family member: the behaviors and symptoms associated with attention deficit often bring dilemmas and aches. One of my acquaintances calls them pain points.

Because of pain points and the daily struggles my readers face, I created a convenient mini course A Mother’s Survival Guide to ADHD.

In it I cover such topics as:

        ADHD’s long, credible history

        ADHD families suffer in silence

        Simplifying the stress

        Building positive behaviors

And several other practical topics

I endeavor to touch on some of the pain points families with ADHD encounter on a daily basis, and I offer solutions or remedies to help families find ways to alleviate the pain.

I hope to interact with you at one of your pain points and gift you with support and encouragement.

A few of the solutions I recommend include:

Learn the unique ways your family member brings color and texture to a linear world.

You can bring order to chaos and bring space to your life.

Parents and children can learn to be partners for successful behavior management.

You will hear me say such things as:

The first medical writings on symptoms similar to what we now know as ADHD began to appear in the late 1790’s in the works of Sir Alexander Crichton, a Scottish physician, when he described persons who are distracted from attending fully to a task or object.  Sir Crichton said “When born with (this set of behaviors) , it becomes evident at a very early period of life, and has a very bad effect, inasmuch as it renders him incapable of attending with constancy to any one object of education. But it seldom is in so great a degree as totally to impede all instruction”. 

Wise parents learn how to pick their battles and remain calm in escalating situations. Experienced parents learn to identify behavior triggers. Successful parents know that a sense of humor helps to defuse potentially explosive situations. It also helps parents maintain a positive perspective on the situation. Remember, sarcasm is not a form of communication.

These only touch the tip of the wealth of information that you will discover in the mini course, information I learned from both scholarly studies and from nearly one-half century of personal experience.

You can find it on our web page at www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html, and I invite you to take time now to obtain the course and to recommend it to friends with similar struggles.

If you have other questions, phone us at 316-655-9807316-655-9807 or 316-6557079.

Call

Send SMS

Add to Skype

You'll need Skype CreditFree via Skype

My Mannequin Daughter

“Where’s Baby Sis?” my Mother seemed in a panic. She worried about losing one of my children in the shopping mall every time we went shopping with her.

She referred to my youngest child, my beautiful, creative kid with ADHD, who was about seven years of age at the time.

“Don’t worry,” I assured Mom. “She’s right here.” I pointed to the mannequin display in the center of the wide mall hall.

“Where? I don’t see her.” Mother continued in her scared voice.

“Here,” I said as I walked over to the display and pointed to my child.

Mother began to laugh with relief and with totally surprised amusement. Baby Sis stood completely still, posed like the mannequin.

On the dais or raised platform, my skinny kid with long legs and huge green eyes had positioned herself with bent arms and legs to look like the figure with no head. She only moved her eyes a slight bit as people walked past her. Otherwise, she was perfectly still.

It would have been difficult for my hyper child to pose like that for any length of time, but she managed to do it.

This was not the first or last time she attempted such a trick, but each time I laughed as if I had not seen it before. I still laugh when I recall how she looked.

“Do you remember when Baby Sis would be the mannequin?” Oldest Daughter asked me a few days ago.

Then we both literally burst out in laughter.

“Oh, definitely! She bent her arms, twisted her neck and head, and stood there perfectly still. I would see other shoppers break out in giggles when they past her, but she never broke her stance.”

After nearly 25 years, we remember with delight the many antics this classic ADHD child thought of and acted out on impulse.

Oldest Daughter recalled the cholla cactus we brought home from New Mexico as we traveled in a small motor home. Husband dug it up from the side of the road and placed it in a huge bucket near the back of the vehicle. We cautioned our small child to stay away from the thorns, but the temptation was too great.

Two hours later we heard her scream loudly as she cried, “That sticker bit me!”

My older two children hollowed with laughter, and so did I after I made certain she was not injured badly.

“I told you not to touch it,” I reminded.

“But I wanted to see it,” she justified herself.

“Seeing and touching are two different things.”

“No, Mommy. I can’t see it without touching,” she explained in her most serious voice.

She assured me she had seen enough of the strange plant to last a lifetime.

Even now, Oldest Daughter said, “We knew it was a matter of time. Crown Prince and I were just waiting to see how long it would take her to get stuck with a thorn.” And then she laughed again with tears of amusement streaming down her cheeks.

“Her impulsivity led her to do some really interesting things,” I agreed.

“Still does,” remarked her sister. “She makes me laugh every time we are together.”

“She’s like your Dad in that regard. And she has it down to an art: quick comments that literally zing me. She does it with a straight face, just as he does.” I almost bragged.

“Yes,” agreed her sister. “Remember when we went tanning last weekend? My sister waited with me while you finished. I whispered that the girl at the counter seemed rather dull-witted. I mean she just did not come across as bright at all.”

“What did your sister say or do?”

“She turned toward me in a half-second, pulled her lips into that characteristic expression of disdain, and without missing a beat she made one of her comments.”

“Did I tell you MENSA has more than 50,000 members in the United States alone?” she asked seriously.

“I’ll tell you, Mom, I did not expect her to say something like that. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me laughing .”

If I had heard, I would have known Baby Sis said or did something impulsively.

 

 

 

Mothers’ Tears

Last week I encountered three of them; that is, I met with three mothers of children with ADHD.

Each of those meetings was random and chance.

They told me similar stories: “I just do not know what to do.”

“He forgets to bring home his school books, or she forgets to bring home the assignments due for the week.”

 “He’s a great kid.”

“She’s a super girl.”

“People like him.”

“I worry because she doesn’t have many friends.”

“He loves his sport, but many times forgets the play his coach gives. I mean, which kid wants to fail at his sport?”

“She likes to play the violin, but she forgets to bring home the music for orchestra practice.”

Mothers of children, teens, and young adults are among the group I call The Women.  These are the individuals whose lives are highly impacted by the challenges and contests associated with the symptoms of ADHD.

In addition, they may be females with ADHD themselves.

 They may also be wives of men with ADHD, but that is a totally different topic for a blog.

Mothers oversee the tiny irritations throughout the household: “Did you turn off the lights or remember to take out the trash?”

“Have you started on your homework? Do you have homework? Where is it? What do you mean, you can’t remember?”

As well, they carry the heavier burdens: “Have you started writing the paper that is due in class in two days?”

“You’re in college and you forgot about an assignment?”

“I am afraid my adolescent child is using drugs or smoking pot.”

“Have you paid your car insurance?”

Mothers repeat over and again, “But my child or young adult is really an awesome person. My kid is highly intelligent and a creative thinker. “

“Is he or she doing this to aggravate me?”

“His or her Dad says I baby and coddle too much, but if I don’t help or advocate for my child, who will?”

Mothers contact mental health professionals or physicians for ADHD testing. They work closely with teachers and other school personnel and join support groups where they can arm themselves with information. They contact me as a coach and champion.

All three mothers, who talked with me last week, shed tears and then apologized.

“Go ahead and cry. Vent your frustrations and worries. I’m a Mom, and I have shed tears over my own kids. It’s what we often do.”

It’s going to sound cheesy, but Mothers’ tears water the seeds for potential and growth in the child, teen, or adolescent with ADHD.

For Mothers of persons with ADHD, and the group may include Mothers with adult children, I begin with these three proven recommendations:

1.    Accept your child for who he or she may be.

2.   Never punish her/him for behavior that she/he is unable to control.

3.   Watch for times to praise her/his positive behaviors.

It’s a challenging job, but The Women are up to it. My Quaker Mom often encouraged me with this statement that is also true for you: “Dearie, we are not the weaker sex.”

Take heart. I hope you and other Mothers of persons with ADHD will contact us at McNay & Voth, so we can stand along-side you in your quest for the best for your children.

Reach us at www.coachadh.com , or phone us at 316-655-9807.

 

 

Independence Day

As we celebrate the birth and growth of our nation, I am prone to measure it up to the birth and growth of my own children. Like our nation, they have achieved success through struggles, wise choices, and not-so-wise choices.

I especially think of my youngest daughter, who is a person with ADHD. As did her Dad, she struggled with the challenges of accepting herself and her behaviors from the time she was a small child, and it was quite difficult for her during her teens and early adult years. In fact, it still can be difficult for her now as she continually checks impulsive comments or her filter for temper control.

She required a cheerleader at home, a role I was always willing to fill. Building her self-esteem was essential to her development in spite of the ADHD. I protected her best interests in school and at church and even among family. Her grandmother did the same because she understood my daughter. Grandmother saw many similar patterns between herself and my daughter, and she and I often shared phone calls and laughter about Baby Sis’ latest adventures.

One Thursday morning, Mother phoned to say, “What does Baby Sis do Wednesday evenings? Isn’t she a part of Girls Auxiliary at church?”

Immediately my radar beeped. “Yes, And why are you asking?”

“Do you know she phones me from church each Wednesday at about 7:30? She just wants to talk about her day at school.”

In my mind’s eye, I saw the hall phone at the church and how a ccessible it would be for my daughter.

Mother and I laughed because we knew that by 7:30, my daughter would be fidgety and bored.  A trip to the bathroom and then the phone would alleviate the boredom, but that didn’t excuse the fact I needed to talk to her about it without her knowing that Grandmother told me.

The effort involved boosting her self-confidence while directing her behavior. She needed to hear that I loved and supported her and believed she could do the right thing. She faced enough difficulties and criticism on a daily basis that she did not need to feel Grandmother and I teamed against her. Love on the home front was the solace she craved.

I often set aside special time with my daughter such snack time after school, or an impromptu lunch outing during the school day. While I ate, she talked and talked about whatever was on her mind. It was positive attention, and it worked magic on her self-esteem. Whenever I saw opportunity, I praised her for all types of things many of which revolved around her humor and creativity. Praise builds confidence, but it must be genuine.  Often I identified one of her many strengths and talked with her about it: her ability to draw pictures and write short stories about them, her musical talents, the way she caused me to laugh heartily throughout her life, or her sincere kindness to others.

I also built her confidence with fairly administered discipline. It did not punish, but it taught and allowed her to learn from consequences and to connect the links to appropriate behavior. You likely know the phrase for it; it’s call tough love.

Today she is an independent adult and wife. Like our nation, she experienced the pangs associated with growth, and I am proud of her as well as her two siblings. She recognizes the value of her personal freedom, and she acts accordingly as she strives for continued growth and improvement. Not-so-like our nation, she acknowledges her dependence on God both in the past and for the future.

At McNay & Voth, we desire to help other parents as they raise children with ADHD. We want to help the teen or young adult who struggles with the challenges of ADHD. We yearn to support adults who have late diagnosis of ADHD.

Please contact us at 316-655-9807 or www.coachADHD.com and allow us to rally round you.

 

 

Summer Bliss and Structure

I readily admit I loved the weeks when my children got out of school for the summer vacation.

I liked not having to get them up early when they were tired and resistant to leaving their warm beds.

I liked not having to compel a healthy breakfast that would get them through the morning routines, or packing a nutritional lunch.

I really liked that they did not have homework pressures for me to oversee. Basically I love the amount of freedom their vacation added to my own day.

However, unless you think I used the summer vacation for total selfish leisureliness and relaxation, I must quickly go on to say that I liked the different types of structure the summer months allowed us to enjoy.

Summer gave me particular structure customized to the needs of my youngest child, a person with ADHD known to readers as Baby Sis.  Summer offered her a break from the constant pressures meeting the expectations of school rules.

Summer vacation granted her the gift of opportunity; it allowed her to be ADHD.

Typically, I allowed all my children extra sleep time during the summer weeks, time for their bodies for resting, growth, and refreshment. That didn’t mean they slept away the morning; usually they were up and going by 9 A.M.

A consistent sleep pattern set the first step in structure for my ADHD daughter; sleeping routines began her day in the most promising manner. For the most part, children with ADHD do better when they know what is expected of them.

Awakening Baby Sis sounded something like this: “Ummm, no, no, no. Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

“It is almost nine o’clock. I will come back in five minutes, so be prepared to get up then.”

And five minutes later, her response was: “What, what? Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

But she did stir and get up after the second call.

At the beginning of the summer, my children attended VBS at our local church where the activities and learning schedule helped them transition from the routines associated with school.

Education experts encouraged us to exercise our children’s minds during school breaks, so planning a regular activity from year to year provided that boost. Baby Sis really liked VBS as she looked forward to both the fact it was in a familiar place with friends from church and the new and interesting activities built around the different yearly themes.

“Mommy, I get to carry the Bible (or one of the flags) during the processional today.”  Just remembering her enthusiasm still brings tears to my eyes.

As to the remainder of the summer, I did not wait for Baby Sis and her siblings to ask for direction. I planned activities that enhanced her self-esteem and sparked her creativity. She took swim lessons, played on a softball team, played with the children in the neighborhood, attended summer reading programs, and spent time alone with her art projects.

And on the days when Kansas temperatures rose to 100 plus degrees, she watched movies in the TV room of our basement. During these afternoons, she danced, sang, and ate snacks of her choice. Her favorite was Tomorrow from the Little Orphan Annie, a movie she completely memorized. Then she might fall asleep on the sofa when exhaustion took her captive for an hour or two. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498.

Summer routine for my child with ADHD meant she made choices that corresponded with her daily interests and split-second decisions. It meant she continued to learn to follow the guidance I furnished and the flexibility we planned into each new day.

Can You Help a Woman with ADHD?

The pleasant voice on the other end of the phone asked two simple questions:

“Do you think you can help a woman with ADHD? Do you think you can help an older woman?”

“Yes,” I responded to both questions with one simple positive.

Quite often, I hear from women and girls – from females- who are persons with ADHD. They seek help, and they want to know someone understands the pressures and challenges they face.

As one lovely young woman told me, “You get it! You don’t scold me or laugh at me.”

And why should I scold or even laugh? ADHD is not funny although individuals with ADHD can be quite clever and funny.

Why should I admonish? I am not in the business of being bossy.

I don’t scold or admonish my own daughter with ADHD.  In fact, I think she is quite clever and intelligent. She makes me laugh like no other person.

Yet, I know she struggles with making goals and finding the perfect niche in her life.

I know she struggles with depression and a poor sense of who she can be.

When I see her struggles I think about the many teachers who graced her life. Several did not understand that she struggled to maintain her attention; other teachers had a sense of her talents.

One teacher in particular did not understand why she had a hard time sitting still in circle time.

However, her wonderful preschool teacher, Melinda Wren, fully understood and even taught me a thing or two about my daughter’s need to remain active.

“She listens more attentively sitting at the book area than most of the other kids do sitting still in the circle.”

Bless Melinda. I love her for her wisdom.

Again, when I see my daughter’s struggles, thoughts of her myriad of talents rush through my own mind.

I am not merely being her mom. I am honestly aware of her potential. The problem is that she has so much rushing through her own brain, she cannot get it under control.

In school, girls and women find they are often confused and wonder what others know that they do not know. They struggle with inattentiveness, frustration, time-management, and even disorder.

In teen social situations, they wonder what causes others’ rejection of them, or they take huge social risks just to feel accepted or to be like everyone else.

Yet, I am convinced that females with ADHD bring color and texture to any social situation. They make fantastic mothers as they lead their children to experience countless life-enriching experiences. They make super physicians, lawyers, fire fighters, law enforcement, teachers, and all types of professionals.

It is matter of learning the skills necessary for success. As our motto says: Success through self-determination and encouragement.

If anyone reading this blog is a girl or woman who wants help with her ADHD, I invite her to contact me at McNay&Voth ADHD Coaching Services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

I sincerely want to help you with your ADHD concerns.