Know Your ADHD

Many of you have heard the story of how I met Husband when we were students at Friends University in Wichita, KS.

One day in English literature class, he said to me, “What was this author trying to say? I didn’t understand this shit, and it made me nervous. So I stopped reading.”

Since I knew nothing about ADHD at that time, I attempted to enlighten him about the work in question. I swear his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.

Throughout the years, we have discussed how ADHD affected his ability in college.

I told him: “As early as the late 1790’s, a Scottish doctor, Sir Alexander Crichton, described the characteristics ADHD with words such as inattentiveness and restlessness, which he called ‘the fidgets.’ He noted that children with those behaviors were unable to pay attention in school and suggested these kids receive individual education interventions. What do you think of that piece of information?”

As he gazed into my eyes, Husband said, “Scottish, huh? I’m Scottish. Maybe it’s a national epidemic. I think I resemble his remarks.”

“Be serious; one thing has been born out by literally dozens of studies and empirical evidence. ADHD is a genetic-based condition that tends to run in families, which is strongly evidenced on certain genetic and DNA markers. It is complex. Neurotransmitters which serve to manage other networks are thought to not pass along messages through synaptic gaps.”

“So you are telling me I have gaps in my brain? I’ve known that forever.”

“You have lots of smarts. But in the early 1900’s Sir George Still of England talked about the symptoms as ‘moral control in the normal child’, and he referred to ‘control of action in conformity with the idea of the good for all.’ He said those children were emotionally volatile, aggressive, and they lacked of insight into the impact of their actions.”

“So what is this? What are you telling me? I lost you somewhere in all those words.”

“ADHD is a brain-functioning disorder with a highly social significance. Most persons with ADHD are quite intelligent, but the inattention process often impedes learning or academics. Like you were in our English lit class.”

“Yes. By the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what it said at the first of it.”

Are you or a family member a person with ADHD? Researchers today don’t always agree on the cause of the disorder. However, the effects they agree on; it is a series of symptoms involving inattention, impulsivity, possibly hyperactivity, or a combination of any of these. Often we hear the terms Executive Function and frontal lobe associated with ADHD.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching, we know how ADHD affects lives of persons and their families. We offer coaching for the person with ADHD, and we help family understand the disorder.

Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or phone us at 316-771-7557.

First College Experience

Yesterday, I asked Husband about his first year of college. “Why did you go to Emporia State rather than stay here in Wichita?”

He looked somewhat saddened when I mentioned that first year.

“Why are you asking?”

“This time of year, many students with ADHD go away or attend college for the first time. Thinking about it sets off a plan to write a blog.”

“I went to Emporia because the school offered a computer program. Wichita State was not an option for me. Friends would have been an option, but they did not offer the program I wanted.”

Keep in mind that these were the days before the microchip perfected the role of computers in our lives.

“And how long did you live in Emporia?”

“One school term or year.”

“Why did you come back home?”

“Because I was an idiot,” he shot back at me without a moment’s hesitation. “I left a situation without finishing it. If I had been on the ball, I would have gotten a job and stayed there.”

His face reflected disgust at the memory.

“But if you had, we would not have met,” I whined.

His face softened at the memory of meeting me.

“At Emporia, they actually expected me to work. School meant I had to do more than listen and take notes, which is how I got through high school.”

Thoughtfully he continued, “I was disappointed in college because I didn’t feel accepted. A certain group of kids, the ones from back east who couldn’t get into eastern schools, made me feel bad about myself. It was miserable.”

His comments supported what many college students with ADHD feel. For them, college has much to do with developing a self-image and discovering future hopes and dreams. More importantly, it’s about finding friends and people with whom they can identify. But frequently it is difficult for them to find friend on campus. It’s as if nebulous circles or factions are challenging to understand and befriend.

“Another reason I came back was because Dad kept hounding me to get a job, so I could pay the $35 monthly rent. I lived in a house with four other guys. It was a real mess.”

Often persons with ADHD lack social cues, act socially inappropriate or immature, and often put the blame for all of this on others.

“Were people cruel to you?”

He thought for several seconds, and I could see he was sorting through the stories.

“One economics teacher was a real jerk.” Actually he used another offensive term that insulted the instructor’s value and intelligence.

“He was a poor teacher to begin with, and whenever a couple of us asked him to clarify his explanations, he became belligerent. As well the answers to the test questions were not in his notes.”

I saw a bigger picture in relation to his comments. Many persons with ADHD also have learning disabilities concerning the use of language skills. College students with ADHD and/or learning disabilities comprise the greatest percentage of students with disabilities on college campuses in the United States.

“So I came back home and enrolled at Friends University.”

I asked, “What was different about Friends?”

“Even though home was not best, I was home. I felt more secure about going to college. The instructors at Friends treated me more like teachers did in high school. Also the classes were smaller, I had a cooperative job schedule, and there was an advantage of more jobs overall.”

He continued, “I felt better about school in general, though we both know I didn’t complete my degree until 30 years later.” At that we both smiled at the thought of his transcripts and incompletes.

“Going away that one year, however, was beneficial. It helped me see the importance of doing what I had not been doing.”

 

One in a Million

Restaurants have become one of our more favorite haunts, and I don’t mean that poetically.

Husband and I often hang out at restaurants these days because we no longer enjoy cooking. However, this blog is not about eating out. It is about a song I heard during lunch this week.

The deep baritone voice caught my attention: “A one in a million, chance of a lifetime, And life showed compassion, And sent to me a stroke of love called you, A one in a million you.”

I stared across the table at the familiar eyes and face.

Husband stopped chewing and held my gaze, “What?”

“Who is singing?” I always ask him because he is the one who pays attention to such details.

It is ironic, I know, that the one with ADHD pays attention to nitty-gritty details, but he is the one with the interest in performers.

“Larry Graham,” came his short reply.

As I continued to watch his face, I thought how appropriate those words are to a couple who is growing old together.

Husband said, “We’re not there yet. I’ll tell you when we have gotten old.”

The song continued, “I started to believe I'd never find anyone,
Doubt had tried to convince me to give in, Said you can't win... But one day the sun it came a'shinin' through, The rain had stopped, and the skies were blue.”
“That’s me,” I thought as I remembered Friends University, how I met Husband, and how in my loneliness, I had prayed for a certain type of man to be my life partner.

I didn’t know about ADHD at that time, but knowing what I know now, I would likely have included it on the request list.

“I found a piece of happiness to call my own. For to love you, to me, is to live.” I mouthed those words at Husband.

He looked at me as if to question my sanity.

Talk about ironic. That same morning I had gone through the house muttering to myself again.

It wasn’t about happiness or living to love.

No, indeed, it was about my frustration at unfinished chores, repairs that have long been ignored, and other irritations that fill our marriage.

“A one in a million, chance of a lifetime.”
My mind raced to the unique silliness that can only come out of my Husband’s mouth.

“I go through life like an amoeba in a vat of acid, constantly pulling away from the stimuli,” Husband once told me.

And I reflected on the three children only Husband could have fathered.

“Hi, there, Sweet Thing. I’m your daddy,” he said when he first held each of our newborn babies.

“A one in a million, chance of a lifetime. And life, showed compassion,” the song said.

If you know ADHD, you know the challenges one faces as the spouse of a person with ADHD. However, you may also know the inner criticisms that go along with being that person. “I’m a failure. I can’t do that. I am totally inadequate. I will never be like that other person.”

“And life, showed compassion, And sent to me, a stroke of love, called you. A one in a million you.”

In Husband’s case, he does not realize I refused to settle for second best. To me, his humor, intelligence, and spiritual depth primarily   describe him.

Yes, we deal with his struggles with depression, lack of follow through, and low self-esteem.  When life harms him, it is extremely painful to me.

“I was lonely with empty arms to fill, Then I found a piece of happiness to call my own. And life is worth living, For to love you, to me, is to live.”

I consider it my responsibility to help him recharge and refill when he feels depleted or discouraged.

I am blessed to do so because he truly is one in a million.

 

The Marriage Proposal

In honor of our wedding anniversary which will take place the end of this month, July 27, I am going to repost earlier blog. I love telling this story.

I expect many women remember details of the day or night when their love proposed marriage, and I am no exception.

 It was a lovely Sunday afternoon at the end of May. I wore an attractive and stylish spring-like red dress because my tall, handsome boyfriend was taking me to the graduation ceremonies at my Alma Mater, Friends University. I admit I looked really nice.

When he got there, he seemed a bit nervous to me, but by then I was accustomed to him being either moody or nervous. I probably thought something “set it off” on his way to our house. 

He sat with me on the sofa in the living room as we talked with my Mom and Dad and exchanged pleasantries about the weather and the upcoming graduation ceremony.

Suddenly without any seeming connection to our conversation, he pulled a box from his pocket and presented me with a lovely bracelet with Snoopy dangling on it.

“Oh,how cute!”  I said as I began to put it on my wrist.

He got down on his knee. “Look on the chain,” he said. “See this? It’s an engagement ring. Will you marry me, my dear?”  

He began taking the ring off the chain to slip it on my finger.

Oh, yes, he really asked in front of my parents.

Time stood still. I wanted to crawl underneath the sofa.

I sat there with that Dagwood-Bumstead smile crinkled across my face before I answered yes.

I loved my parents, and as their only daughter I knew I was special to them, but for some reason, I never dreamed of receiving a proposal of marriage in front of them. It threw the entire sense of romance out the window.

My Dad turned red as Mom cried.

My husband-to-be rushed on. “This is the ring my Dad gave to Mom when they got engaged in 1945. I asked her if she had one I could give you tonight.”

He actually told me all about it.  My love had it in mind to propose, and he thought the night of graduation would be excellent.

Actually, I think he finally got up the nerve. 

There was only one problem. Typically, he had not gotten around to buying a ring or special piece of jewelry, so he talked with his parents.

 “I want to ask Atha to marry me tonight, but I don’t have a ring. What have you got around here?”

So much for planning ahead, right?

Later, his mother said she offered him her old engagement ring because she didn’t want him to change his mind, and she loved the idea of me wearing it.

My husband was so pleased and so excited, or possibly so relieved to get that part over with that he leaned back on the sofa and sighed loudly.

 He had focused his mind on proposing to me, and he could not wait for another time. It was then or nothing.

I am glad it was then, and I know he thinks what was the big deal? After all I said yes, and here we are all these years later.

Now I understand that individuals with ADHD may become so anxious about a task or plan that they put off completing the details, which merely adds to the anxiety. They often do not plan ahead. They may experience chronic procrastination more frequently than typical individuals. They put off important tasks or the ones that take more thought and energy. In this case, it was the task that was going to cost him more money.

The pattern for our marriage was set.

In our story, Husband could not wait until we were alone at dinner. He was driven to act at that moment. He could not consider the inappropriateness of proposing marriage in front of Mom or Dad. It seemed romantic enough for him. So what if it wasn’t my own ring? (His parents did give us that ring with their blessing.)  He figured we would get around to buying me a new ring in the future.

That is an entire other story.