High School and ADHD

I am certain one of my close friends from high school days will read this blog. She continually supports our efforts and outreach to persons with ADHD. As a mother, she knows the challenges of raising a child with ADHD.

As a former teen, she also knows the challenges associated with the teen years. We’ve talked about those challenges that still haunt us after 40-plus years.

She will remember our vocal music teacher whom, in spite of her strictness and spinster ways, we loved to please.  She will also remember the red chiffon dresses with gathered skirts we wore for Southern Belles or the blue pleated dresses we wore for our madrigal ensemble. Both outfits looked really good on her tall, slim figure, but at the time, they were slightly out-of style; they made us self-conscious to wear them.

Whew! At times I still have nightmares that I am in high school classes where I am telling former teachers “But I have earned a Ph.D. I don’t need to be taking this test.”

Ridiculous, huh?  Maybe so, but thoughts of high school still disturbs adults, especially those with ADHD whether they graduated as recently as two or three years ago or as long as 40 years ago.

Hubby audibly groans when we talk about our high school experiences. Many of his memories are not pleasant as they involve his reactions and behaviors in high school situations.

He’s often told me about his favorite black cardigan sweater. He looked nice wearing it, he felt, and it offered a way for him to hide things about his body that he didn’t like. But wearing it every day from September through May was not so cool. “I overheard another student make a comment about me wearing it every day, and I was embarrassed and hurt. I didn’t realize it was a negative thing to do.”

Even more, he told me about his feelings of certain social isolation. You may think all teens experience a degree of being shelved socially, but it is even more of a problem for the teen with ADHD. Impulsive outbursts, moodiness, constantly failing to follow through, disorganization of time and space, being too loud will all call negative attention to the teen with ADHD, or will cause others not to want to be friends with him or her.

Subtle social information will pass by the teen with ADHD whose mind will be focused in several directions.  Truly teens require countless social skills such as talking, listening, sharing, being empathetic, that do not come naturally to the teen with ADD. 

“The hurtful memories involve knowing other kids were laughing behind my back or talking bad about me,” Hubby once said.

One young adult with ADHD told me, “I wanted to hang with friends younger than I am.” His experience is common for teens with ADHD. Social pressures and the expectations for mature growth overwhelm many teens with ADHD. As well, taking ADHD medications bothers teens. Another young man said, “I hated the meds because I was afraid people would find out about them and think I was a meth-head.”

Likely they would have wanted you to sell them a few of your pills, I said with my characteristic sarcasm. “Of course you would have gotten into legal trouble because you would have been accused of pushing drugs.”

Teens with ADHD miss important social cues or misinterpretation of others’ comments, and by doing have difficulty swimming through the unfamiliar waters of dating and romantic relationships.

Even in college, Hubby didn’t know how to evaluate the growth in our relationship, and it caused him confusion. Instead of stating those feelings directly to me, he said, “I feel like you are backing me up against a wall.”

I got tired of that comment real quickly.

While I gratefully acknowledge the awkward teen years are far behind us, I realize the fears and anxieties of those days will never be far away from us. They have taken a new shape in Hubby’s life as different co-existing mental health issues. I may remember the horror of musical ensemble outfits, but he remembers far greater anxiety and distress.

If you wish to discuss views on being a teen with ADHD, please contact us at McNay & Voth www,coachadhd.com or 316-655-9807, or feel free to make an appointment to visit our office at 240 N. Rock Road, Wichita, KS 27206,

 

Dr Atha McNay

McNay & Voth ADHD Services

 

 

In the Brain, Out the Mouth

Sunday, Husband had the rare privilege of attending church with Crown Prince, who was home on vacation.

“Dad is going to church with you tomorrow,” I told, rather than asked. Sure, our son is a man 33 years of age who has live 1800 miles away for over four years. I agree he is independent and capable, and usually I ask if either his Dad or I can thrust ourselves into one of his social events.  But this time, I made a direct statement.

“Uh, sure,” was our son’s dutiful reply. He rolled his eyes at me and asked, “What if he says something?”

“Like what? What do you mean by saying something?” I grinned

“Come on, Mom.  You of all people know exactly what I mean.”

With my most serious expression and voice, I answered, “I find it difficult to imagine what you are talking about. But if he makes a comment, then let him say it. He won’t hurt anyone or be obnoxious.”

“Well, not intentionally. But he often says things or blurts out comments, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings asking him to hush.”

Husband was eagerly enthusiastic to attend worship with his son. As far as I was concerned, that was the end of the conversation.

That is, it was the end until my guys got home from church.

Shortly after lunch, Husband began reporting on the morning’s events.

“No kidding. They have this woman on their music team, and you should have seen her.” Using his hands to gesture about three feet apart, he continued, “And her ass was this broad. I mean broad and in all directions. She could barely climb the short two steps to the platform.”

I merely waited to hear the type of comment he made.

“And I said, ‘Oh, my!’ as I saw her bouncing down the aisle past us and struggling to get to the stool they placed for her to sit on. Fortunately, it wasn’t something she needed to hoist herself on. She only had to sit down.”

He paused and frowned, “Our son told me to hush, but I told him I wasn’t mocking her.  I was just startled to see her size pass by me. Who I am to make fun of any fat person? Son told me people could hear me.”

“I didn’t know I said it that loudly.” He looked toward the floor with a genuinely remorseful expression. “I didn’t mean to embarrass him.”

I smiled inwardly thinking of the numerous times Husband has publicly blurted out comments or reactions to someone or something, and most of them were basically knee-jerk reactions. He’s correct; he usually doesn’t intend to hurt or humiliate anyone.

I laughed again at a memory from our early-dating days. As we sat in the theatre waiting for a movie to begin, a rather large individual walked up the aisle. The lady really did seem to fill the entire aisle, and I think my boyfriend was self-conscious for her. He himself had been following the Weight Watchers program for about two months losing a remarkable number of pounds. He felt like he needed to defend huge and obese people.

Turning to me, he said in a rather loud voice, “Bet she’s heading for the concession area.”

“Be quiet. People will hear you.”

“I’m only saying what they are thinking. I know; they think that about me.”

He was correct; shortly she passed by us again with a tray of soft drinks and snacks.

He gave me the knowing look. Without dropping the volume, he said, “Isn’t Weight Watchers won-der-ful?”

Years later, our son expressed it well. I, of all people, did know exactly what he meant.