Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

ADHD Eating and Exercising

Last week, one of Husband’s doctors ordered routine blood work. Then she phoned with a recommendation for him to see his primary physician.

High blood sugars. Low calcium. 

I still don’t quite know the implications of low calcium. I read what I could find on the Internet, but I don’t like what it says.

“What did the doctor say about the blood sugars?”  I asked this morning after Hubby saw his physician.

“He said all the cokes I drink and the apple juice are likely reasons why my sugars are so high.”

Like I didn’t know that, right? So I pressed onward. “Did he make a comment about the low calcium?”

“No, he ordered more blood work,” Husband said as he showed me the bandage on his arm and handed me the appointment card with a date three months from now.

I slid the card into his wallet, but I did make note the date in my personal planner.

Getting information from that man about important details is like pulling hens’ teeth.

At breakfast, which was really quite healthy, I continued. “So what should we do?”

He responded by asking me how often I check my own blood sugars, and I admitted I no longer bother with it. “So, my care plan is not your responsibility,” he said.

“In a way it is. I can help you remain accountable.”

I waited to hear him outline new life changes. He didn’t say it.

We know both of us could write a book on healthy eating and how to discipline eating habits. However, neither of us feels up to being a hypocrite about the issue.

“I visited a new exercise gym with Oldest Daughter yesterday. It’s noncritical, and I think we could use it three or four times per week. They have great treadmills,” I told him.

“What about the bikes? Do they have bikes?”

“Oh, yes, and they have many other choices in equipment. You know we are not going to ride or walk in our neighborhood. It isn’t the place to do so.”

He nodded. He didn’t make a firm commitment, but I interpreted the nod as a positive.

A more disciplined diet and an exercise schedule would benefit blood sugars, calcium deficiency, and ADHD. Frequent diet recommendations include: a high-protein diet, fewer simple carbohydrates and more complex carbohydrates, such as vegetables and some fruits, more omega-3 fatty acids, such as is in fish, walnuts, Brazil nuts, and olive and canola oil, or even in supplements.

“Do you think we really have a choice?”  I asked.

“No.” he simply replied.

I am merely laying this on the table. I’m just saying it. Our children will read this blog and use it as a justification to keep us accountable. Together. This is a together thing.

At McNay&Voth, our primary mission is to encourage and support all persons with ADHD.

We aspire to help adults realize and develop the skills they will need for moving forward in life. That would include knowing about eating and ADHD.

If you are an adult with ADHD and who struggles with life issues, we invite you to contact us THIS WEEK.

Set up an appointment for a free consultation. Reach us at www.coachadhd.com, or 316-655-9807.

We will help you set effective goals and build skills.

Because we care about you,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay & Voth Gateway Community

Mental Health Professional

Peggy, I want to climb the tallest mountain, speak the loudest, or push the farthest,” I might tell my friend, Peggy B.

And depending on the topic, “Well, I am not sure about that,” Peggy B has been known to respond to my adventurous ideas.

More than 20 years ago my life was blessed when I met Peggy B at our neighborhood Bible Study Fellowship Class.

Our daughters, who are about a month apart in age, went to middle school and high school together, and she was a person with whom I really wanted to form a friendship.

For several years we got together weekly in our homes as our schedules allowed, so we could pray for our husbands, children, and world events.

It is a huge under-statement to say that Peggy B has, does, and will continue to bless my life with vast wisdom and knowledge.

She also laughs heartily with me about the many humorous events we see in our daily lives.

So as you look at the title of this blog, you may wonder: “What does Peggy B have to do with mental health professionals?”

Good question. During the earlier days of our association, Peggy herself often visited qualified counselors for help dealing with personal challenges.  Her positive experiences led to her choose her own profession as a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist (LFMFT).

She’s applied what she knows to me more than once.

For example, when she realized I wanted to make decisions for whether my Mother got out of her house more, Peggy B politely told me to butt out of it: “Athalene, you are NOT responsible for your mother’s social life.”  

And because I was too shocked by this to utter a sound, she quickly repeated it. “Did you hear me? I said you are not responsible for whether she has a social life.”

Another time when discussing a documentary on a former President, Peggy B told me, “I think you are too naïve. I would have expected you to see through the comments made about him.”

“ Ah, ahumpf, bttt,” I spluttered because her reaction rang true. And I knew it took a true friend to be that honest with me.

I am certain she is highly professional with her clients, although she will remain honest. I don’t know if they realize how fortunate they are to work with her.

She is a real person.

I appreciate the standards and qualities of many mental health professionals in and around my city, Wichita. They know much about their fields, and they follow the high ethical standards associated with their professions.

When it comes to ADHD, I recommend my clients seek additional help or get diagnosed from one of our truly exceptional mental health specialists. I even reserve the right to recommend the name of the one of the best in our community for special cases.

For one reason, I want people who suspect they are persons with ADHD to have a diagnosis that is as accurate as possible.

If persons with ADHD take medications, I want them to work with physicians who truly know and understand the science of medications. As one psychiatrist told me, “It is not exact for every person. We must work on an individual basis.”

Most importantly, it is important that whether they work with their physician, a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or a psychiatrist, learning skills that move them along in life is more important than the pills they take.

It’s more about the skills than the pills.

At McNay&Voth ADHD Services, we exist to help persons with ADHD move forward in life while living up to their vast potentials. We do not counsel or offer therapy, but we do offer coaching that is proven to help persons set and meet personal goals.

If you or friends are interested in knowing more about ADHD coaching, please contact us at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We would love to hear from you.

If you want to contact me to hear stories about my wonderful friend, Peggy B, please contact me. I would love to share.

 

 

 

 

Aunt Ruthie, Chemical Imbalance, and Jokes

I’ve never before told you about my Aunt Ruth and my Mother, Naomi, the Dutton
Sisters who loved each other more than I can ever describe for you.

It’s enough to say their unique friendship and relationship always made me yearn for a sister of my own. They made it seem that being sisters was the best thing in the world. Because Mother loved Ruth so deeply, I thought my Aunt Ruthie, as I called her, was the utmost in terms of being doting and special. She was funny, kind, witty, sweet, and hilarious. Did I mention her unusual talent for being clever and humorous?

But in her older years when medications and illness had taken their toll, there were times when she was not herself, and conversations took on a new kind of humor.

For example during one round of medication gone amiss, Ruthie’s behavior was extremely exasperating for my cousin and her husband, Denny, who served as Auntie’s caregivers.

Ruth became demanding and difficult to live with, as well as hateful with her words. On the day my cousin took a few minutes away from the house, Ruthie kept insisting that cousin come home and care of HER MOTHER. Denny explained my cousin would be gone on errands for a time, and he was there to help in any way possible.

This further infuriated Ruth who said in her loudest old-lady voice, “Denny, how would you like to kiss my a***?”

In his practiced calm and unperturbed voice, Denny quickly replied, “Ruth, if I thought it would help, I might be tempted to do so.”

I can imagine the startled expression on her face. Just thinking of it sends me into a spasm of giggles.

Today is a good day for me to remember how Denny balanced the stress of Ruthie’s mental imbalance with his calm and a sense of humor of his own.

Husband is thrashing in the quagmire of depression again today, and I should take a hint from Denny, and even Aunt Ruthie that a good laugh can indeed make a heart grow merry.

This morning I asked Husband: “What is wrong? What are you thinking?”

He turned his anger on me: “I woke up alive. What’s going on with you?”

“How else are you going to wake up? It is either alive or nothing. And as to your question, I am glad I am alive and that you are alive.”

He glared at me when I smiled at him.

Really? Are you kidding me? I have to admit I get tired of putrid responses like his.

I thought of phoning my friend, Patty, who can make me laugh by the way she answers the phone. Instead we went to George and Kay’s house because we thought the group study would take place this afternoon.

George likes to tell silly Scandinavian jokes since he is Swedish and mimics the accent quite well. He tells Ole and Lena jokes that are so quirky, I can’t help but laugh. Such silliness lightens the burdens of the heart.

Consider this another blog about the harsh reality of depression that stalks a large percentage of persons with ADHD. Consider how humor can help lift the spirits of both the person and family members who live with the stress of his or her depression.

And if you live with a person with ADHD who is often depressed, I invite you to contact us at McNay&Voth www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We will talk.

 

 

She Thought I was Weird

“I’ll be writing to teens with ADHD about love and romance this week,” I told Husband. “I am trying to decide if I should write about something from your life or to teen girls in general.”

“I like the idea of your writing to teen girls in general.”

“That may be best, but before I leave this conversation, I want to ask you about the time you bought candy for Anna, your high school classmate.”

He knew I attended elementary school with this same Anna, still sadness and pain crossed his eyes for a brief moment.

“When you gave her the chocolates, what did she say?”

“She gave them to her friend standing next to her.”

“She gave them to someone else?”

“The other girl brought them over to me and said I should keep them, and I shouldn’t try to do it again.”

His face registered his sense of rejection.

“You mean on Valentine’s Day, she couldn’t have merely thanked you and moved on with it?”

“It was her birthday. I overheard someone say it was, so I thought I would buy her a gift.”

“Why did she do such a cruel thing?”

“She thought I was weird. Once I blurted out a comment in class, and she turned on me with a vengeance. She was an intelligent girl in English class, and I thought she was smart, that’s all.”

“So you admired her, and she thought you were weird because of your ADHD symptoms?”

“That’s likely it.”

“If I was going to write about teen girls with ADHD, I could write about times Baby Sis felt rejected due to her ADHD symptoms. She didn’t experience the same types of rejections. She did always think people were talking about her behind her back.”

But I kept on, “I am angry Anna hurt your feelings, but she was acting on information as she knew it at the time. The point is not to blame another person. It is the point to know that ADHD symptoms may not contribute to good relationships. Teens and adults with ADHD should learn behaviors that contribute to relationships, not impede them. Besides, I am glad it was me, not her that realized the treasure within you.”

I once told my husband that as a young man, he was often in love with love. Many scholars now bear it out: persons with ADHD can hyperfocus on romance because doing so increases dopamine which increases pleasure-producing neurotransmitters. But that does not necessarily create love relationships. The person with ADHD and his or her partner must take ownership of ADHD by treating it responsibly to manage the symptoms, increase dopamine, and help the brain work as it is supposed to. It is imperative persons with ADHD learn how to override the challenges of ADHD behavior and build the positive skills needed for lasting intimate relationships.

If you need help in this area, allow Dr. Atha the opportunity to assist you as you seek confidence in romance and love.

Contact us today at McNay & Voth, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558.

 

Five Easy Pieces

Being in one of my frequent reflective moods, I asked Husband: “Do you remember the movie ‘Five Easy Pieces’ ?”

“Yeah. It was the movie that got Jack Nicholson noticed. What about it?”

“I really don’t remember much except the title, but that  really fits well into my way of thinking. I search for short and easy approaches to much of what I do.”

“It was a typical movie of the early 1970’s. It’s OK not to remember much about it.”

“My point is that the title serves me well as a type of idiomatic expression.”

“Nicholson played a gifted pianist who rebelled against his talent and affluent lifestyle. Standard kind of stuff for that era.”

“OK, but my point is the value of learning how to put life into easy steps and make it simple.”

“How do you do that?” Husband asked as if it were a ground-breaking concept.

“Do what?”

“Think about simplifying and organizing and making life easier? How do you think like that all the time?”

“One of us needs to. Besides, I always looking for ways that assist you and others with ADHD to live up to your potential.”

He put me on the spot for a moment when he said, “So tell me five easy steps you discovered to help me.”

 “One: You need an encourager. Two: You need external prompts or motivation. Three: Since you lose basic such as keys and your wallet, you need daily organization. Four: You need to unclutter on a regular basis. Five: You respond well to rewards such as praise.”

“It never ceases to amaze me that people can gather their thoughts in such a concise manner.”

“It never ceases to amaze me that you cannot or will not think with such logic, but that is a topic for another blog.”

The person with ADHD often feels frustrated or clueless about how to approach the daily tasks of life, especially at home, work, or school. Based on our personal experiences, I recommend five easy steps to success:

1.    Connect with an encourager such as a spouse or close friend who can provide support when you are confused or have questions. In addition, seek help from an ADHD coach.

2.   Choose an extrinsic reward system along the lines of your paycheck, a passing grade in a class, an item for gifting yourself when you complete a task. Make it a goal to earn this reward on time, and develop a reminder system that works for you.

3.   If you are a student, create your own study space where you keep the tools and resources you need. Make certain it can be as quiet and private as possible. Make certain you study only in that space. If you go back and forth to your job, allocate a briefcase, book bag, or table space where you place the items you need for the next day, then ask your encourager to help you develop the habit of placing items there before bedtime.

4.   Schedule one day each week for tidying your work space both at home and on the job.

5.   Ask your associates and family at home, work, and school to point out when you have done well completing a task or project. Write notes to yourself on how proud you feel when you accomplish even a small task.

Are you currently seeking an ADHD coach with experience and expertise? We invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com or phone 316-771-7558.

 

 

Be Mindful at Christmas

The sign at a local school immediately caught my attention: Be Mindful of Parking Procedures.

“Ha! ” I said aloud.

Right away Husband jumped and asked. “What?”

“It says be mindful of the procedures. It did not say ‘ follow the rules ’ ‘heed procedures’, or even ‘ watch out for children’. It says ‘be mindful’.”

“Isn’t that one of the terms you always use when talking about ADHD?”

“Yes, it is,” I said. “I challenge persons to be mindful of behaviors associated with ADHD, especially as those behaviors reoccur in their children or spouses with ADHD. I tell them to stand back and observe or pay attention on purpose without being judgmental and with a focus for being in the moment.”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“Basically, it means a person can intentionally observe, describe, or even take part in the moment without becoming all emotional or defensive. We talk about being mindful of God’s presence. Knowing He is with us doesn’t stress us out or cause us to be upset.”

“It might, if we feel guilty enough.”

“That’s a different topic. Being mindful of God’s presence helps us to relax and it reduces stress. For Christians, it helps us remember He brings forgiveness and peace, if we are willing to accept them.”

“So does this have something to do with parking lots?”

“Not in religious terms. I just think it is curious they used the word mindful.  But mindfulness in general can help persons with ADHD reduce a sense of stress. It can also help family who get frustrated with the ADHD member.”

“Now you are getting personal.”  He turned and scowled at me.

“Not that I couldn’t, but seriously, this is not all about you. Mindfulness can allow an individual a sense of flexibility. It is looking at behaviors in a new perspective and even with new sensitivity. Mindfulness also helps with building the attention center of the brain. The more an individual regulates or focuses his or her attention to being mindful, the more he or she thickens the attention center. Meditation or focus does a similar thing. We can call it mindful mediation.”

“So it is a matter of how and when we are mindful?”

“You got it. For example, we can mindfully eat a meal at a slower pace and focus on the taste of the food. We can mindfully reflect on what Christmas means and meditate on God’s goodness.”

If you are a person with ADHD, you and your spouse and children can benefit from the practices of mindfulness during the holiday season and the end of the year:

1.    Meditate on the meaning of the season.

2.   Be mindful of your traditions for celebrating and how you can make things easier.

3.   Practice meditation to dispel old habits and contemplate how you want to live in the future.

4.   Make time throughout each day to listen to the quiet around you.

If you wish to take a fresh approach to living with ADHD, and have questions about ADHD or the practice of mindfulness and ADHD, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com.

 

 

The Marble Slab

I understand July 2 was National I Forgot Day. Goodness! Is it so prevalent that we’ve made a holiday for it? 

Possibly it was begun by an individual with ADHD, or even the spouse of that individual.

If so I can relate. Spouses often become frustrated with the “I forgot” syndrome. It seems as if the mysterious “I forgot” can show up frequently in our lives and disrupt a myriad of good intentions. Good old “I forgot” is somehow kinfolk to “Ineffective” and “Unreliable.”

Of course, I did not have this depth of wisdom when Husband and I were ready to shop for our first apartment.  That was before I knew persons with ADHD will often avoid doing things that require much effort or consistency because they are afraid of failure.  I didn’t know about memory issues and problems.

As I recall it was about four weeks before our wedding day. Four weeks!

“Honey, don’t you think we should start looking for an apartment?”, I lovingly cooed at him.

“What’s the hurry? We still have a month.” He was serious.

“Let’s make appointments with some people to go look,” I suggested.

He unenthusiastically agreed to it, and we made plans for him to pick me up on a Tuesday at 10:30 am, so we could begin.

The time came and went. At 11:30 I phoned his house, where his Mother answered. “He’s just now getting out of bed. Did he have an appointment with you?”

“We have a couple of appointments to look at apartments. He was suppose to be here an hour ago.”  I’m certain she heard the frustration creep into my voice.

“He’ll be there soon,” she promised.

I don’t know what his Mother said to him, but thirty minutes later he pulled into the driveway.

“Here I am,” he said a bit too eagerly.

I still hear myself mumbling under my breath.

It did not occur to me that he had little or no control over his forgetfulness. I do remember when we did find an apartment, we were unable to take possession until four days after the wedding because we waited so late to secure one.

We stayed ay my brother’s apartment two of those days.

My new Mother-in-law asked, “How is it working for you, staying at your brother’s apartment?” I think this was her way of approaching the topic.

 “It’s OK. It was nice of him to move over to Mom and Dad’s house for a couple of days. Of course, he is closer to her cooking and the comforts over there.”

“You don’t appear to be happy about this,” Mother-in-law was rather astute. “How many other things did my son fail to do before the wedding?”

The words rolled out of me. I didn’t mean to begin complaining, but I think it was how I sounded.

“The thing is, I don’t think he meant to disappoint me, but he is always making excuses for not getting things done.”

Today I laugh at that comment because not a whole lot has changed in that department.

“I tell you; you can’t always wait for him to get the ball rolling. You can’t make innuendos with him. It has to be direct and let him know you are serious.”

I followed every word, and she watched my face  to make certain I did.

“This is how to do it,” she continued. “Get yourself a large piece of marble about this size.” She gestured a piece about 12 inches long and four inches thick.

I thought she was serious.

“Chisel what you want him to know or remember across the top it,” she said as she mimed it.

Then pick it up like this, and WHAM! Smack him between the eyes with it!”

We both hollered with laughter. In the days before I ever dreamed about such prescriptions as Mindfulness Meditation or concepts such as  neuroplasticity, Mother-in-law shared her own approach to his forgetfulness.

In other words, she told me to make certain I clearly let him know my expectations. “Don’t put him in a position to disappoint you.”   

I  loved her for sharing this wisdom.

Grandmother's Dish Soap

Grandmother’s Dish Soap

“I really wish your Great-grandmother Lutz had lived to see you grown-up,”  I told Oldest Daughter this week.

“Why?” she asked with a smile. She probably guessed what I was going to say.

“I think she would have been pleased with how much you resemble her in attitude, actions, and even in body build.”

"Oh, yeah. I could have a long talk with her about the size of my butt. Thanks, Grandma.”

"You’re Dad’s Grandmother was a lovely woman with a strong business sense and a no-nonsense attitude toward life. I very much admired her.”

"Oh, well, I liked Grandma, and I remember as a small child being curious as to why she never slept with a pillow. I kept trying to bring her one when she spent the night with us. She said she never slept with it. I thought that part of her was weird. Now that I am older, I would likely say. ‘No, shit, Grandma?”

“And your most-proper, lady-like Grandmother would speak sternly about your language. She did not like for her grandchildren to talk crudely, even though Grandpa Lutz and her daughters did.”

Husband interjected at this point. “Yes, she would tell you to get her bottle of dish soap, and she would wash your mouth out with soap.”

Oldest Daughter quickly caught his message. “How many times did you have to get the soap, Dad?”

“Once was all it took, thank you very much.”

“Did it make you sick?”

“Hell, I mean heck yes. It made me sick. It only took one time for her to use soap on me.”

“Did she squirt it in your mouth? That would make me vomit.”

“No, she squirt it on a dishcloth and brushed my teeth with it. Then she told me to rinse my mouth. It tasted nasty, and yes it did make me a bit sick. She had warned me, though. She said she would do it if she heard me swear one more time.”

“Why did you do it again, then? Didn’t you believe her?”

“I forgot. You know my ADHD impulsiveness and forgetfulness. I was caught in the moment. I just didn’t remember until I heard her call my name and tell me to go get the dish soap.”

“Isn’t 17 a bit old for your Grandmother to wash your mouth with soap?”

“I was only six or seven, smartie.”

I could see the wheels turning behind Oldest Daughter’s eyes. She couldn’t imagine my own Mother doing such a thing, and she couldn’t image me allowing her to do so.

Laughingly she asked, “What did your Mother do? Did she actually allow her Mother to wash your teeth with dish soap?”

“Mom would never correct Grandma Lutz. She just sat there and laughed at me. She was afraid to say much because she knew where I had learned those words. She might have been afraid she would be next.”

I knew that part was likely true. Grandmother would not have washed Betty’s mouth with soap, but mentally I saw her stern gaze and heard her firm tone. I imagine she would have said, “Betty! He only talks that way because he’s heard the same word come out of your mouth.”

We do not approve of Grandmother’s method in today’s world, but it was effective. Without medication or complimentary interventions, she quickly instilled in her grandson a motivation to remember and catch control his behavior when he was in her presence.

Husband still respects her memory, only praises her graciousness, and admires her business acumen. I don’t think the dish soap hurt him in any manner. And in fact, I have heard him tell the story so often , I rather think he views it as funny.