My Mannequin Daughter

“Where’s Baby Sis?” my Mother seemed in a panic. She worried about losing one of my children in the shopping mall every time we went shopping with her.

She referred to my youngest child, my beautiful, creative kid with ADHD, who was about seven years of age at the time.

“Don’t worry,” I assured Mom. “She’s right here.” I pointed to the mannequin display in the center of the wide mall hall.

“Where? I don’t see her.” Mother continued in her scared voice.

“Here,” I said as I walked over to the display and pointed to my child.

Mother began to laugh with relief and with totally surprised amusement. Baby Sis stood completely still, posed like the mannequin.

On the dais or raised platform, my skinny kid with long legs and huge green eyes had positioned herself with bent arms and legs to look like the figure with no head. She only moved her eyes a slight bit as people walked past her. Otherwise, she was perfectly still.

It would have been difficult for my hyper child to pose like that for any length of time, but she managed to do it.

This was not the first or last time she attempted such a trick, but each time I laughed as if I had not seen it before. I still laugh when I recall how she looked.

“Do you remember when Baby Sis would be the mannequin?” Oldest Daughter asked me a few days ago.

Then we both literally burst out in laughter.

“Oh, definitely! She bent her arms, twisted her neck and head, and stood there perfectly still. I would see other shoppers break out in giggles when they past her, but she never broke her stance.”

After nearly 25 years, we remember with delight the many antics this classic ADHD child thought of and acted out on impulse.

Oldest Daughter recalled the cholla cactus we brought home from New Mexico as we traveled in a small motor home. Husband dug it up from the side of the road and placed it in a huge bucket near the back of the vehicle. We cautioned our small child to stay away from the thorns, but the temptation was too great.

Two hours later we heard her scream loudly as she cried, “That sticker bit me!”

My older two children hollowed with laughter, and so did I after I made certain she was not injured badly.

“I told you not to touch it,” I reminded.

“But I wanted to see it,” she justified herself.

“Seeing and touching are two different things.”

“No, Mommy. I can’t see it without touching,” she explained in her most serious voice.

She assured me she had seen enough of the strange plant to last a lifetime.

Even now, Oldest Daughter said, “We knew it was a matter of time. Crown Prince and I were just waiting to see how long it would take her to get stuck with a thorn.” And then she laughed again with tears of amusement streaming down her cheeks.

“Her impulsivity led her to do some really interesting things,” I agreed.

“Still does,” remarked her sister. “She makes me laugh every time we are together.”

“She’s like your Dad in that regard. And she has it down to an art: quick comments that literally zing me. She does it with a straight face, just as he does.” I almost bragged.

“Yes,” agreed her sister. “Remember when we went tanning last weekend? My sister waited with me while you finished. I whispered that the girl at the counter seemed rather dull-witted. I mean she just did not come across as bright at all.”

“What did your sister say or do?”

“She turned toward me in a half-second, pulled her lips into that characteristic expression of disdain, and without missing a beat she made one of her comments.”

“Did I tell you MENSA has more than 50,000 members in the United States alone?” she asked seriously.

“I’ll tell you, Mom, I did not expect her to say something like that. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me laughing .”

If I had heard, I would have known Baby Sis said or did something impulsively.

 

 

 

Mothers’ Tears

Last week I encountered three of them; that is, I met with three mothers of children with ADHD.

Each of those meetings was random and chance.

They told me similar stories: “I just do not know what to do.”

“He forgets to bring home his school books, or she forgets to bring home the assignments due for the week.”

 “He’s a great kid.”

“She’s a super girl.”

“People like him.”

“I worry because she doesn’t have many friends.”

“He loves his sport, but many times forgets the play his coach gives. I mean, which kid wants to fail at his sport?”

“She likes to play the violin, but she forgets to bring home the music for orchestra practice.”

Mothers of children, teens, and young adults are among the group I call The Women.  These are the individuals whose lives are highly impacted by the challenges and contests associated with the symptoms of ADHD.

In addition, they may be females with ADHD themselves.

 They may also be wives of men with ADHD, but that is a totally different topic for a blog.

Mothers oversee the tiny irritations throughout the household: “Did you turn off the lights or remember to take out the trash?”

“Have you started on your homework? Do you have homework? Where is it? What do you mean, you can’t remember?”

As well, they carry the heavier burdens: “Have you started writing the paper that is due in class in two days?”

“You’re in college and you forgot about an assignment?”

“I am afraid my adolescent child is using drugs or smoking pot.”

“Have you paid your car insurance?”

Mothers repeat over and again, “But my child or young adult is really an awesome person. My kid is highly intelligent and a creative thinker. “

“Is he or she doing this to aggravate me?”

“His or her Dad says I baby and coddle too much, but if I don’t help or advocate for my child, who will?”

Mothers contact mental health professionals or physicians for ADHD testing. They work closely with teachers and other school personnel and join support groups where they can arm themselves with information. They contact me as a coach and champion.

All three mothers, who talked with me last week, shed tears and then apologized.

“Go ahead and cry. Vent your frustrations and worries. I’m a Mom, and I have shed tears over my own kids. It’s what we often do.”

It’s going to sound cheesy, but Mothers’ tears water the seeds for potential and growth in the child, teen, or adolescent with ADHD.

For Mothers of persons with ADHD, and the group may include Mothers with adult children, I begin with these three proven recommendations:

1.    Accept your child for who he or she may be.

2.   Never punish her/him for behavior that she/he is unable to control.

3.   Watch for times to praise her/his positive behaviors.

It’s a challenging job, but The Women are up to it. My Quaker Mom often encouraged me with this statement that is also true for you: “Dearie, we are not the weaker sex.”

Take heart. I hope you and other Mothers of persons with ADHD will contact us at McNay & Voth, so we can stand along-side you in your quest for the best for your children.

Reach us at www.coachadh.com , or phone us at 316-655-9807.

 

 

Mean Girls and a Daughter with ADHD

Of course when I sent my youngest child to preschool, I was convinced that her skills and creativity would shine above all the other kids, and everyone would immediately recognize her intellect and unique value.

So I was dumbfounded and astounded when she came home from her first sessions complaining of how other kids, especially the girls, made fun of her.

“Mommy, they say ‘you are weird’ to me. They tell me I have thin hair.”

Oh, indeed? I knew which child that would be. I had a similar conversation with her mother.

“Your little girl is the one with thin hair,” she said smugly in reference to my daughter’s baby-fine hair.

In my not-too-Christian mindset, I replied, “Yes, she has short blonde hair and large violet eyes. And your child? Is she the one with carrot red hair? I think that is the one because she has the same bull-dog jaw line as your husband. That is her father, right?”

She looked as if I had slapped her, which in essence I had done with my words. I intended for them to sting.

But to my child, I merely, said, “Honey, she does not know words as well as you do. It is hard for her to describe what she sees. When she says mean words, just feel sorry for her because she isn’t smart as you are.”

The taunts continued throughout elementary school. My daughter with ADHD often was the last to leave the building each evening as she attempted to grab her books and materials and stuff them in her book bag.

One evening of her third-grade year, her sister and I laughed as she came out the doors with her hand clutching the collar of her coat and her eyes drawn down in a severe frown. It communicated much to us.

“Be quiet before she gets in the van. She will think we’re poking fun at her, which is something she definitely does not need.”

So when my daughter opened the door, I asked, “How was your day, honey?”

“Terrible. Again. Brandy and her friends laughed at me for falling asleep in class. But, Mommy, I was so tired, and my teacher told them to leave me alone.; I needed a brief nap. Mrs. Reid did not make fun of me; why did they laugh?”

“They are probably jealous you can get by with it,” her sister said coming to her defense.

You can believe it when I say I was at Mrs. Reid’s desk before school began the next morning. I asked her about my child falling asleep and about how other kids treated her.

“She sleeps in the afternoon because it takes much energy and concentration for her in the mornings. As to the others, I attempt to stay ahead of their rudeness to her and a couple of the other children.”

In fourth grade, my daughter encountered similar heckling and comments. She often came home complaining of Brandy’s mean words and taunts that made my daughter cry.

One day her older sister, who at 16 could drive, asked to drive her younger sister home from school. It wasn’t until years later that I learned how the scene played out.

Walking into the straggling group in the classroom, my older daughter asked her sister, “Hey, point out that Brandy kid for me, will you?”

My daughters tell me the small group got quiet as others backed away from the infamous Brandy, leaving her standing alone.

“Are you Brandy?  I’ve been wanting to meet you. It seems you have picked on my sister for several years. I’m telling you the next time I hear about it, I’m going to begin at your finger nails, pulling nails and flesh off your body. I’m warning you, and when you go home and tell your mother who sleeps around with any guy who is desperate, or your dad and stepmother who everyone knows do not pay their bills, I will tell them of the abuse you have dumped on my sister. In other words, I welcome you to tell your folks.”

We heard no other complaints that year, and during grade five, my daughter was assigned to a magnet school to balance the busing assignments in our district. At that school, the Principal had stringent rules on any type of verbal harassment, which he considered gang activity.

Sadly, mocking related to my daughter’s ADHD did not end with the elementary grades, but the issues associated with high school will have to wait for another blog.

 

 

Summer Bliss and Structure

I readily admit I loved the weeks when my children got out of school for the summer vacation.

I liked not having to get them up early when they were tired and resistant to leaving their warm beds.

I liked not having to compel a healthy breakfast that would get them through the morning routines, or packing a nutritional lunch.

I really liked that they did not have homework pressures for me to oversee. Basically I love the amount of freedom their vacation added to my own day.

However, unless you think I used the summer vacation for total selfish leisureliness and relaxation, I must quickly go on to say that I liked the different types of structure the summer months allowed us to enjoy.

Summer gave me particular structure customized to the needs of my youngest child, a person with ADHD known to readers as Baby Sis.  Summer offered her a break from the constant pressures meeting the expectations of school rules.

Summer vacation granted her the gift of opportunity; it allowed her to be ADHD.

Typically, I allowed all my children extra sleep time during the summer weeks, time for their bodies for resting, growth, and refreshment. That didn’t mean they slept away the morning; usually they were up and going by 9 A.M.

A consistent sleep pattern set the first step in structure for my ADHD daughter; sleeping routines began her day in the most promising manner. For the most part, children with ADHD do better when they know what is expected of them.

Awakening Baby Sis sounded something like this: “Ummm, no, no, no. Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

“It is almost nine o’clock. I will come back in five minutes, so be prepared to get up then.”

And five minutes later, her response was: “What, what? Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

But she did stir and get up after the second call.

At the beginning of the summer, my children attended VBS at our local church where the activities and learning schedule helped them transition from the routines associated with school.

Education experts encouraged us to exercise our children’s minds during school breaks, so planning a regular activity from year to year provided that boost. Baby Sis really liked VBS as she looked forward to both the fact it was in a familiar place with friends from church and the new and interesting activities built around the different yearly themes.

“Mommy, I get to carry the Bible (or one of the flags) during the processional today.”  Just remembering her enthusiasm still brings tears to my eyes.

As to the remainder of the summer, I did not wait for Baby Sis and her siblings to ask for direction. I planned activities that enhanced her self-esteem and sparked her creativity. She took swim lessons, played on a softball team, played with the children in the neighborhood, attended summer reading programs, and spent time alone with her art projects.

And on the days when Kansas temperatures rose to 100 plus degrees, she watched movies in the TV room of our basement. During these afternoons, she danced, sang, and ate snacks of her choice. Her favorite was Tomorrow from the Little Orphan Annie, a movie she completely memorized. Then she might fall asleep on the sofa when exhaustion took her captive for an hour or two. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498.

Summer routine for my child with ADHD meant she made choices that corresponded with her daily interests and split-second decisions. It meant she continued to learn to follow the guidance I furnished and the flexibility we planned into each new day.

My Daughter and ADHD

The joy of the holiday included a visit from Baby Sis and her hubby who graced us by spending the weekend at our house.

She is my offspring with ADHD, and we often talk about how the disorder manifests differently in females than males.

For one thing, females with ADHD are more likely to experience increased psychological distress and feel a lower self-image than males with the disorder.

Baby Sis and I want to conduct studies on females with ADHD. Knowledge about how the disorder in females in limited, and we want to be among those who conduct additional studies.

Additionally, we want to write a series of short stories that show how ADHD manifests or impacts lives of girls, female teens, and women across a lifespan. Baby Sis and I collaborate to lace the lines of our stories with real-life incidents and reactions.

This morning Baby Sis said, “At this point of the story, I would have worried for hours about the people who died in a tornado. Do you remember when I told you that I do not want to die in a tornado? I told you that if I did die in a tornado, I wanted you to buy me a pink casket.  By the way you reacted, I was certain my comment annoyed you.”

Just the thought of my young child being afraid and asking for a pink casket continues to take my breath away. “I wasn’t annoyed. I was fearful. I couldn’t wrap my mind around losing you, even though several mothers lost their precious babies in last week’s tornado. It wasn’t you that bothered me.”

She said, “But you see in my young mind and with the sensitivity I have owing to my ADHD, I didn’t realize it wasn’t me. To me, everything was due to me.  I didn’t understand my insecurity or overt sensitivity, and I still am not certain that I do.”

In the past, ADHD has been considered a disorder affecting only boys and males. Young females or girls are often overlooked when it comes to a diagnosis. Often females, namely mothers, come to recognize their own ADHD symptoms as a result of having their children diagnosed with it. As the woman learns more about ADHD, she begins to see similar patterns in her own behavior.

In the story we worked on this morning, Baby Sis shared about the rejection she perceived from her Kindergarten teacher. The frustration from believing her teacher picked on her has haunted her for 25 years. She continues not to comprehend why this teacher was so harsh with her.

 “One outfit you bought me had pantaloons sewn into the waist of the dress, but my teacher wouldn’t let me hang by knees from the monkey bars. She said I was showing my panties. She was always worried about my panties.”

“Yes,” I remembered, “She called me in one morning to talk about the fact you tucked your hands in your panties. She accused you of something rude.”

Baby Sis laughed, “So you had me wear shorts or jeans to school each day, and when I couldn’t play with the elastic on my panties, I got into trouble for going to the bathroom too often. I remember how bored I got. The walk across the hall to the bathroom was just enough to get the wiggles out.”

It was one of those incidents I could have lived many years more without knowing about it.