An Interview for the Holidays

An opportunity to work with KWCH TV station affords opportunities for our monthly interview on and sponsorship of The Brett and Sierra Show, a community program for persons throughout the Wichita viewing area.

Our latest show on December 3, 2013 allowed us to talk generally about the holiday season and ADHD. Read this brief summary of that conversation, then use the link at the bottom of this page, and watch the interview for yourself.

Brett: Things during the holidays can become hectic for all people. For families that include persons with ADHD, it can be additional struggles. How do the holidays often affect family members with ADHD?

Dr. Atha:  Since it is often the mother who does the planning and the details of preparation, a mother with ADHD is often overwhelmed and undulated by the responsibilities. If there is a father with ADHD, he may become stressed and angry because of the extra money spent during the season. Of course children with ADHD are usually excited about Christmas or the holidays. A child with ADHD may exhibit acting out behaviors.

Sierra: What might we do to soften those worries?

Dr. Atha: If you invite a person to your home for a holiday party, or if the person is a family member, the individual will need options for different activities during the gathering. For instance have several venues such as a set of board games, a food table, a conversation pit, so the individual has reasons to move around without becoming stabilized. It is also a good idea to be aware of the different personalities you have invited to the party.

Sierra: What can do to help our friends with ADHD complete tasks during the holidays?

Dr. Atha: I like to tell people to KISS it – that is Keep it Simple and Simple. Don’t overdue. Don’t over-commit. Not every tradition has your name on it. A close friend or family member can be the gentle accountability person. Give daily reminders. It is so sweet to have a friend ask “What can I do to help?”

Brett: Dr. Atha, you personally know about how ADHD can affect families since your family includes persons with ADHD. What suggestions do you have for families? What does your agency do to help families with ADHD?

Dr. Atha: We ask a lot of questions: “What are your concerns? What has worked for you? What has not worked for you?” We find that families and individuals know more about the solutions to their concerns than they initially think. We don’t tell people what to do; we work with them to discover the answers deep inside themselves.

Did this interview pique your curiosity? Hear more about our conversation by using the link below.

Our next interview will be Tuesday, January 7, 2014. Watch for us at 4:30 PM on Channel 5.

http://www.kwch.com/brett-and-sierra-show/support-those-with-adhd-during-busy-holiday-season/-/22489676/23275288/-/v46wy/-/index.html

 

 

Structure and Security

Seriously, I planned to blog about additional effects of depression in the life of the person with ADHD.

Then I saw a picture posted in Face Book of my friend Mary Beth teaching a group of children in church today. It was the story of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ.

“Holy Cow!” I thought with no irreverence intended. “I can totally imagine her soft southern accent and the conviction in her voice as she shares with young lives the same truths taught to her as a child.”

My mind is drawn to how I have shared the same joyous truths with my family members who are persons with ADHD.

Husband did not know or believe the Good News when we married, but shortly after the wedding, he came to me with questions on what would happen if he died.

That is when I shared Scripture with him and showed him God’s plan for eternal life.

Husband believed and accepted it for himself and read the Bible thoroughly twice in one year.

When we went to church meetings he listened intently and would whisper loudly to me about all he was learning. “Shit!” he once exclaimed. “That makes sense.”  I knew God understood Husband’s use of the expletive.

In spite of other times when his humorously inappropriate earthy expressions left his mouth, it was obvious that the truths of God’s love for him and all the people of the world began to instill a sense of sanctuary within his inner being that counteracted some of the turmoil resulting from his struggles with attention and acceptance.

It was natural for us, then, to take our children to church to be taught by Patricia and Harold, Betty and Lyle, Guy and Willa, Louise, and others who did for them exactly as Mary Beth did for children today.

Baby Sis is our third child, and she took to spiritual teaching with a natural curiosity.  She still does as truths from the Bible also help soothe the inner turmoil she experiences as a person with ADHD.

Actually, when she was around nine years old, she attempted to point out to the rest of us that we have sins in our lives that we should confess and make right with God.

The only problem is that she did not point to any of her own offenses and wrong doing.  When I inquired about them, she said, “Well, I don’t have any. It is you guys that have problems.”

It suffices to say that I used that for a good teaching moment.

So tying these memories to the beast, Depression, who is daily an unwelcomed visitor in our home, I must state publicly that without the security of knowing spiritual truth, my family with or without ADHD would be adrift in a vast and turbulent ocean without any means of getting back to shore.

Many persons with ADHD deal with the effects of depression, and many of them have not found the structure and security that come from knowing God’s truth and plan for all persons.  I wish they would ask me to share it with them.

However, whether persons do or do not want to hear about God, at McNay&Voth we offer our expertise and skills to help persons with ADHD. We lead them to set and meet personal goals which will help them develop structure and security as they move forward in life.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

Learning Social Skills

“So I’ve been thinking about social skills for the person with ADHD,” I recently told Husband.

“Oh-h-h-?” he drew out the question. “And what about my social skills have you been thinking?”

“How did you know I was applying this to you?” I asked as innocently as possible.

“Yeah, right. You always bring it all back to me.”

“You provide such excellent examples. Well, to be honest, I was  thinking of the sweet story your Mother shared about you at age four.”

“You are NOT going to bring up the times I crapped my pants when I was playing?”

“Don’t be such a spoil-sport. Of course I am. Mother said you would be so engrossed in your play at the far end of the half-acre lot that when you realized you had to go, it was too late.”

“Don’t tell me. I remember.”

“She said she would see you make a mad dash toward the house with your little legs running as fast as possible. Then, you would stop and get that panic look across your face. She and I laughed at the thought of toddler you doing such a thing.”

“Not funny. And it wasn’t funny when she made me clean my own underwear.”

“Well, she had to teach you to become aware of your bathroom needs before she sent you to school the next year.”

“She should have taught me about the under-arm pads,” he mused into the distance.

“What does that mean?”

“Do you remember the deodorant that came on the round pads? I wore mine.”

“You WHAT?”

“In high school, I wore them. One day I told Mom that I didn’t like them. They didn’t stay in place all day.”

I bent over laughing as he continued, “She said ‘Honey, you’re not suppose to wear them. You apply the deodorant with them.’  I felt like a fool. Of course, throughout high school, I felt like a fool.”

“It saddens me to hear you say that.”

“It is true. I didn’t have problems making friends. I had problems keeping the right kind of friends. I couldn’t keep my smart comments to myself, and I was too emotional and moody. As you know, my low-self-esteem caused me to do stupid things just to feel like I fit in.”

“I fear readers will not believe how often our conversations actually do turn back to your poor self-esteem and social problems in your adolescence. It continues to haunt you, and I wish I had been a part of your life at that time, so I could have helped you.”

“That would have been a disaster. I think that you would have learned to dislike me, too.”

Persons with ADHD often experience social problems. In fact, it may be that up to 75% of them have abundant interpersonal problems.

If you are one of those persons, I invite you to contact McNay &Voth  ADHD Coaching Services. Allow us the opportunity to help you set new social goals and to develop new social skills. Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7558. We are waiting to help you.

 

 

Christmas Reconciliation

Many years ago, my Mother told me: “The most important thing that boy needs to know is God’s love. He needs to know Jesus.”

She referred to my not-yet Husband whom I had been dating a few weeks. I agreed heartily for when I first met Husband, he demonstrated one of the lowest self-esteems I had ever seen.

A few years later he came to me nearly in tears, “Pat at work told me I would go to Hell if I died today. We were discussing religions, and I told her that I am a Christian Scientist. She said that means I am neither a Christian or a scientist. She went on to say the Bible tells us to believe on the saving work of Jesus Christ. Without it, all that Christian Science readings will do is damn me to eternal punishment.”

In one of the most difficultly honest moments of my life, I gazed straight into his beautiful eyes filled with pain. “She’s right. And why did you tell her you are Christian Science? That’s your Dad’s religion. Do you tell everyone you are a Christian Scientist? I don’t believe you really except that rubbish.”

He continued with his questions, “What does she mean about the saving work of Jesus? How will I know where to find it? I had these same questions when I was 12 years old, and no one was there to tell me. You are the only Christian besides Pat who has attempted to do so.”

So I opened a Bible and began to mark Scriptures from the New Testament in the book of Romans and asked him to read chapters 1 through 10. I hardly slept that night as I prayed for him to understand the loving truth of God’s word.

Early the next day, he said: “I read the entire book of Romans. Then I got down on my knees and asked God to show me what I had to do to have Jesus as my Savior. I did it. I now know what it means.”

The change in his demeanor was immediately apparent, and other changes developed over time. Within a few weeks, he read the entire Bible from Genesis to Revelation because he was so thirsty to know what God had to say to him.

He has often said, “Before I became a Christian, my life was filled with emptiness and despair. My lifestyle showed it, and I felt terribly unloved and unlovable. “

From what I have learned about ADHD over the years, much of his pain stemmed from the negativity and rejection he felt due to the behaviors associated with attention deficit.

I am not saying that Christian teaching is the answer to the behaviors and problems associated with ADHD. I am saying that persons with ADHD need to know they are valuable in God’s economy; their lives have meaning, and they can be reconciled with God in spite of any mistakes or behaviors they have experienced.

As to the lovely woman who was brave enough to witness to Husband at work, many years later after we married and had three small children, he introduced me to her at a grocery store.

“Please stand over there,” I asked him. Then I told her the story. “I am most honored to meet you. I have always wanted to thank you for your kind bravery and concern for him.”

On this day when Christians throughout the world celebrate the fact God sent His Son to be the Savior of the world, I pray all who read my blog will know they are in right standing with God. Will you be able to say you are reconciled with God?

For further information about ADHD and for coaching helps to set and maintain effective goals, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013.

 

Bod Shop

“I talked to Paul this afternoon, “Husband informed me last week.

I waited several seconds for Paul’s last name, which of course did not come. Finally I asked, “Which Paul?”

“You know, from the mortuary. Paul with the red hair.”

I got it. Husband couldn’t remember his last name, either. My mind filled with pictures of the tall young man we’ve known for more than 25 years. At that time he worked at a funeral Home in the old mansion downtown.

“Oh, yes. That Paul. Nice guy. How is he?”

“He sounds great. He is back in the mortuary business.”

“Does that mean he left it? Why?”

“He did for one year. He worked for the Hawker, but when they had lay-offs, he was one of the first out the door. He worked there one year and one week.”

I really wasn’t interested in those details. I was just glad Paul had a trade to fall back onto. My main question had to do with the conversation to which Husband first referred.

But I did continue with the memories. “His twins must be nearly grown, like around 18 or so. Didn’t he and his wife have at least one more child?”

Husband remembers that type of minutiae. “Yes, I believe they did one more child.”

I was looking to move this conversation on to the piece that affected us. “Did you call Paul, or did he call you? What was it about?”

“Oh, I called him. I am thinking about getting back into the business part time. He was glad to hear from me and said he would like to have me available to help pick up bodies and other tasks like that.”

I thought back to when Paul and Husband first worked together in the mortuary business. Husband was a mortician’s assistant in that he closed caskets at night, helped with the grunt work of the funeral services, and was on call to help pick up bodies and take them to the mortuary. He was even allowed to help with preparation of the bodies.

It was the type of work Husband truly enjoyed.

“You were always really quite good at that type of work. I couldn’t imagine why you chose to do it since you got the job just when you yourself just had cancer surgery, my brother died, and your step-mother had cancer surgery. It seemed we were surrounded by potential death or thoughts of death during that time period.”

“We needed the money for medical bills, and strange as it seems, it helped me take my mind off my own health. I was just thankful I was alive and able to do the work.”

“It is a people-pleasing job, which isn’t always your strong suit, but you did so well with the families of the deceased.”

“I think of it as a ministry. People die every day, and families need help and comfort.”

“You were kind to them.”

I snickered to think, “Our kids have memories of the pizza parties we had in the back room of the viewing area. It was one way we could have dinner with you the evenings you worked there.”

“I thought of it as a great learning setting for them. However, Crown Prince doesn’t like to remember I picked him up and laid him in an empty casket. I wanted him to feel how soft it was.”

I shivered to remember that incident.

“Yeah,” Husband said, “He said ‘Daddy, you’re not going to make me test out a casket again, are you?’ Of course I grabbed him close to me and assured him I would not. I did not realize I had frightened him that much.”

“No, I suppose you did not think ahead in that direction. You were focused on letting him have an experience.”

“The kids still call it ‘The Bod Shop’, ” Husband grinned.

“I know. I thought it was funny and typical of you to nickname it in that manner. I guess it still is. It didn’t seem to teach them disrespect for death.”  I chuckled.

“After all,” Husband continued. “That’s all a mortuary is. It is a body shop for the dead and a place for their loved ones to say good-bye in good fashion.”

I hope Husband does get to work with Paul and does get to serve others during an hour of need. However, I am going to draw a boundary. No more eating in the back viewing room while he is at work.