Building Self Esteem

This month we focused our local TV interviews on the problem of low self-esteem in women and girls with ADHD. 

Keep in mind that not all females with ADHD suffer with low self-esteem, but many do and the pain continues throughout the life time.

Women with ADHD in their 50’s and older often tell me, “Atha, it’s been like this all my life.”

You might ask, “How do we know the girl with ADHD has low self-esteem?”

That’s rather easy. She will tell us that: other kids do not like her at school, she cannot make new friends, the teacher and other students poke fun of her at school, or the kids at church seem to shut her out of the social interactions.

These types of statements hurt a parent’s heart. I know they hurt me whenever Anna said something similar.  I was ready to go to battle in her behalf. For instance, a youth minister’s wife once said she wanted to talk to me about Anna’s behavior during youth meetings.

“Before you begin,” I held up my hand. “Has anyone warned you about me? If you are concerned, I want to hear it. If you are going to complain, brace yourself.”

Fortunately she had a legitimate concern that I needed to address, and taking this back to self-esteem, parents want to know how they can help their child, teen, or young adult feel better about herself. The concern for Anna here had to do with social behavior that set her apart.

 Women's Self Esteem

For one suggestion, parents can help override low self-esteem with a basic mantra – brag, don’t nag.  I strongly recommend praise in areas where parents can do so genuinely: praise the girls sense of kindness, praise a skill in athletics, arts, music. Praise the girl when you catch her doing something outstanding. Praise the effort, not necessarily the outcome.

For another idea, girls benefit from the consistent support of parents who encourage when academic challenges seem overwhelming. Most communities have tutoring services or learning centers available, and many families contain members who are skilled in writing papers or working math problems. Either of these resources presents excellent support for learning the skills that challenge. The operant word is learning; it is not whether the girl earns straight A’s.

For a third suggestion, parents should be ready when the girl is put on the shelf socially. Parents can provide positive social settings such as at church, or a community organization. They can also help their daughter develop one-on-one friendships by overseeing her behavior with friends, by inviting a potential friend out for dinner or for an overnighter, or by taking part as a leader in church or community events.

One prominent social celebrity told me others often shut her out and poked fun of her when she was a child. “The pain is still with me,” she said. “I can’t imagine how bad it is for the ADHD girl in today’s technological world. Cyber bullies and hateful comments on Facebook means the girl cannot get away from it, even at home.”

One good friend can make a huge difference for the female with ADHD. So can staying alert to opportunities to express her unique talents.  As well, posting positive comments about herself around her living or work space will help her battle the urge to develop negative beliefs about herself.

Lastly and importantly, we know that ADHD coaching helps her set goals and be more effective in daily living.  Coaching helps females with ADHD of all ages with developmental skills, transitioning to adulthood, and with later adult functioning.

I Should Have Told Them Off

Thinking of how poor self esteem and other uninvited enemies hurt my youngest child in the past, I want to jump up and down and scream. I might even shake my fists.

Poor self esteem is a huge issue for many children with ADHD, especially girls. For one thing, we tend to overlook ADHD symptoms in girls. They don’t cause enough trouble. For another, girls with ADHD often do not realize why they don’t perform or behave like their peers. They express being confused.

Recently I discussed this issue with my own daughter, Anna, who is a woman with ADHD.  Now that she is grown and successful in many areas, she gives me many wise perspectives on what it is like to be ADHD, female, and to live with a low self esteem.

Watch here as Dr. Atha, Brett, and Sierra continue their discussion on ADHD. In this segment, they discuss the effect ADHD can have on a person's self-esteem.

I’ll let her tell her it: “I constantly felt like I was being teased. I mean most people can tell themselves they are awesome in some fashion. I couldn’t.

“It was always ‘You don’t do this right, Anna. You don’t do that.’”

She gave me an example from her 6^th grade year in middle school: “I was wearing my sweatshirt inside out. That was the style that year. I overheard Andrea, who I thought was my friend, telling another girl that she didn’t like what was on her own shirt, and the other girl suggested she turn it inside out.  Andrea replied that she thought it looked dumb to turn it inside out. ‘Anna has her’s inside out,’ said the girl. Andrea said, ‘Anna is a huge dork.’ Of course it added to my hurt feeling and poor self-image.

“I didn’t know that in a few years she was going to be popular because she screwed every guy who asked.”

Anna paused before she said: “I should have told her off right then, but it is difficult for a person to do that because of being so sensitive.”

I knew she was saying that the girl with ADHD will not likely hold up for herself due to her low self esteem and lack of confidence.

“Maybe I was super sensitive. Or do other kids target ADHD classmates more?”

I reminded Anna that she was always an intelligent student who did well with her grades. I know she worked at keeping her focus to the point she totally wiped out emotionally by the end of the day.

“That’s just it. I was not hard to be around. Sure I made silly comments in class, but I wasn’t sent to the principal. Up to my freshman year I was shorter, and when I did gain height, I didn’t want to be taller because I lacked the self-esteem for it.”

As her mother, I recall how often I intervened for Anna, and when I think of those times, I still want to punish others in her defense.  I can only hope some of those so-called school classmates have matured a bit now they are 30 years old. I hope teachers and a principal grew wiser, too.

In high school, Anna’s intellect caused teachers to respond well to her. They asked me what I did to raise her to be such a quality person. She had good relationships with them to the point she called them only by their last names (Hi, Copeland), and they seemed to genuinely like her.

But high school teachers could do little to improve her social acceptance. The pattern had been established long before in the kindergarten class. I monitored the class setting many times because Mrs. McCarty did not like little girls who wiggled and squirmed.

Anna tells me: “Persons without ADHD have the wrong perception of people like me. And people like me experience loads of actual teasing, and because they are sensitive, they are genuinely hurt. In high school I jumped from groups of friends, never having a steady group I called my own.”

I wonder if this is true for many persons with ADHD. I hear it often from young adults and even older adults with ADHD. They often feel friendless. Totally friendless.

“Comments came from a certain set of other students.  I should have told them to f-off. I had the language; I just didn’t have the confidence.

“I didn’t recognize that other high school kids were insecure. I didn’t know they didn’t matter.”

Likely many of us didn’t realize that other high school students didn’t matter, but our emotional intelligence helped us realize that we would eventually move forward without for their acceptance.

I suggest that girls and women with ADHD have a difficult time moving on, and the pains associated with low self esteem continue to eat away at personal confidence

What Does It Mean to Survive?

Regarding our mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, a reader inquired whether being the parent of a child with ADHD potentially threatens parents’ lives.

She was joking with me, but her point brings up an issue we should discuss.

What does being a parent of a child with ADHD do to or for the mother or father? Does it cause anxiety or nervous breakdowns? Does it result in deep depression and sense of failure?

Possibly the response is not that severe, but it can give rise to tension, frustration, and even anger. I stress the anger part because the exasperation of living with a child with constant behavior challenges can result in the parent reaching the end of his or her rope. The ADHD child can raise the dimensions on bad behavior.

When caring for a child with ADHD, a parent becomes the manager of the total intervention or treatment program, serves  as an advocate for the child at school and home, or probably oversees medication when necessary.  I suggest that survival means that the parent wears many hats and learns proven ways to handle his or her own struggles and frustrations.

First, the parent must learn as much as possible about this disorder known as ADHD. What does it mean that your child is a person with ADHD? How did this happen to him or her? Will he or she outgrow it? Since ADHD is a neurobiological reality, parents in the know come to realize that their children with ADHD are not broken. They merely are different.

Second, parents must understand their children’s personalities. As a parent, you are an expert on your child’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and emotions over the long haul of life. Each child with ADHD posses his or her own unique personality, and each personality brings color and texture to life.

Third, a parent should concentrate on the child’s strengths as opposed to what he or she does wrong. It could be that strength is his or her sense of kindness, or intelligence. Maybe it is a creative talent in music or art or even a specific academic field. Persons with ADHD can successfully build on their skills and strengths as they develop new behavior and inner control . 

Lastly, wise parents will closely evaluate their expectations for the child with ADHD. Do parental frustrations stem from a disconnect between who the child is and who the parent wants him or her to be? Does the parent expect the child to “fix” himself or herself, or does the parent willing step in to help? Is there worry that others will think the parent has failed at being a good parent?

McNay & Voth’s mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, touches several pain points parents often feel with and for their children with ADHD.  If you’ve not viewed our practical recommendations, we invite you to find them at http://www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html.

 

5 Reasons Why you NEED to be Involved at Your ADHD Child's School...

Yesterday during dinner, Husband lamented on how much he misses his mother.

“She’s been dead 38 years, 11 months, and 27 days, and I think about her almost every day.”

“Evidently. That’s rather exact counting.”

“Yes,” he proceeded without catching the hint of sarcasm.”She was so involved in our lives when we were kids. You know that she volunteered at our elementary schools. Teachers and other kids loved her.”

“I am quite aware of her involvement in your lives and how much fun she generated. What brought that up? Why are we talking about this?”

“It was something you said about being right-brained and needing support.”

He was right. I do tend to talk a great deal about ADHD and how it affects the people who live with attention deficit. My Mother-in-law didn’t realize she modeled great strategies for mothering children with ADHD.

I suspect that she also was a person living with ADHD, and she merely used her skills as an outlet for her own creativity. I want to be clear about this: I deeply loved her; she was a super person to know. She made us laugh, and she loved us.

Husband was correct. The child with ADHD, often called the right-brained child, needs much support at school, and whenever it is possible, the parent who can volunteer at his or her child’s school creates positive connections. 

Here are five top reasons why parents of ADHD students profit from being involved at their kids’ schools:

1. Parents model ways of caring for others.

2. Parents and teachers get to know each other.

3. Parents make friends with other parents.

4. Parents are available when their children need support.

5. Your child will be glad to see you there.

“Mom was always friendly with other parents and other kids. She was just a friendly and kind face to everyone in the building.”

“I am curious. What did this do for you as a kid?”

“It was always good to see Mom. She was a part of everything in my life.”

“I think her presence provided the structure your ADHD self needed.”

“Oh, yes. I would have to answer to Mom if I got into trouble in school or failed to get my work done. I never thought of this before, that is, I never thought that with her in the building, it was better for me.”

Turn in Your Homework

Today I came across an old photo of Crown Prince, our only son. I seldom write about him in the blog on ADHD, but occasionally it seems quite appropriate to at least mention his name.

Only this time I want to do more than mere name reference.

In the picture a most serious little face stares back at me through large glasses. Because he was small for his age, the 11 year old boy appears to be quite younger, at least in the photo. In real life, he seemed much older, especially when comparing his functioning to his size.

Teachers often bragged about his quick ability to learn and his quest for knowledge. Lest he become arrogant or proud of his intelligence, his Grandfather loving reminded him, “Remember son, wherever you go in life, you will always meet someone who knows more than you do about some subject.”

“Yes, sir, Grandpa,” my son wisely replied.

Yet, even though he learned quickly and retained a huge amount of information, his school report card didn’t always reflect it. Whenever I saw grades of C on his card, I was alarmed. It meant he had not been completing assignments.

So, being a prudent mom, off I would march to the elementary school.

I remember one particular conversation with Mr. Rick, one of the teachers in the gifted program at that school.

“I wanted to touch base with you about my son’s math grade. What’s been going on with him that he only earned a C this quarter?”

“He’s a great kid and pretty sharp in math,” Mr. Rick countered.

“I’m aware of that, so why didn’t he earn a higher grade?”

“He doesn’t turn in his daily assignments. He does really well during class discussions and on tests, but the grade reflects his assignments.”

“You mean he doesn’t do them?”

“Oh, I see him working on them, but he doesn’t turn them in as I have directed.”

“Which is what?”

“Put his name on the paper and place it in the assignment basket on the counter. Many of his assignments are missing. I record assignments daily, and I will ask about them. Your son says he’s done them, but still fails to turn them in.”

“Can you ask the school secretary to send my son to your classroom while I am here?”

In a few minutes my precious child was standing in Mr. Rick’s class with his eyes wide and a frightened expression on his face.

“Mom! What are you doing here?”

“Hello to you, too. I wanted to know why you only earned a C in math this quarter. I thought you were handling the concepts rather well.”

“Sure, I get it.”

“Well, Mr. Rick says you’re not getting the part where you turn in your assignment.”

“I turn them in. I always finish my work.”

“I’ve asked you several days in a row to turn in your assignments. You didn’t do it,” his teacher countered.

Before my son could argue, I asked him to pull all papers out of his math notebook.

“Bingo! I see at least seven assignment papers,” I exclaimed.

My son’s face turned crimson as he stammered some sort of excuse. I didn’t even waste the time in my mind to listen. I was too busy looking for additional assignments which I found buried in a stack of drawings of airplanes and other mechanical illustrations.

“So, I think you should be following your teacher’s process for turning in these assignments. At your age, he shouldn’t have to chase them down from you.”

“Yes, Momma.” I have to admit, the way he said those words melted my heart.

Later Husband recalled that his teachers had him clean and search his desk every Friday for late assignments and throw-away trash.

A major difference was that my son is not a person with ADHD.

The similarity is that my son lost focus and became disorganized with his math.

That was the only year I made the effort to check regularly on my child’s math assignments. After that, I allowed him to learn from the consequences. Today he has earned two Masters degrees and controls his responsibilities well.

The scene plays out many times in the lives of students with ADHD in middle school and high school. Parents and teachers struggle as they attempt to lead these students to complete homework and turn it in. Students get frustrated as they battle disorganization and the nagging adults.

It can become a matter of finding and using the right incentive with the student. Coaching lends a hand when it comes to remaining on focus.  At McNay & Voth ADHD services, we help parents and student find those incentives.