Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

Woman in Battle

Our nation sets aside Memorial Day as the one official holiday to honor citizens, men and women, who served and died during war. When I was a child, we called it Decoration Day when folks put flowers on the graves of dead loved ones.

Today I use Memorial Day to lay verbal flowers at the feet of one particular citizen who fought in a unique war: Husband’s Grandmother, June Lutz.

Grandmother June is my hero for many reasons, but mainly for the 52 years she was wife to Grandpa Roy, a man with ADHD. Keep in mind that Grandpa was never officially diagnosed with the disorder; it wasn’t officially recognized while he was alive. However, I KNOW, I just know that he is one of the genetic reasons Husband is a person with ADHD.  It explains why Roy was who he was.

June told me she was enamored with Roy while a teen. She loved his mother for the same type of creative and unconventional behaviors she loved in Roy. When she was 18 years old, she married him, and I consider that the day she went to war.

Roy was creative, funny, and hilariously socially inappropriate at times. Whenever he made off-color remarks, June shrieked “Roy!!”, and we all laughed until the tears came.  It encouraged him to keep it up.

He also could be kind-hearted, generous, and loving which is one reason his three daughters adored him. But he had a problem for many years; he self-medicated with alcohol. He claimed he drank because of the pain of osteoarthritis in his legs, but I suggest there was more to it. When drunk, he was mean, and June and his daughters carefully skirted around the landmines of his anger and surliness.

As do many spouses with ADHD, Roy demonstrated an uncontrolled, sporadic indifference to their feelings and just about everything else. During the times he made strong willful efforts at being better, June forgave him.  When he was obstinate and hateful, she straightened her backbone and stood strong against him.

Even when he stopped drinking, she continued to be the resilient partner who brought in the family income during an era when mothers seldom worked outside the home.

As I think of my own battle weariness, I am reminded that June loved Roy and continually encouraged him. I think she would understand if I could explain why I choose to forgive Husband: his total disregard when I ask him to complete a chore, or even begin it, his lack of caring of my needs and wants. She would understand the frustration of living with a man who chooses not to tell the truth, and who blames all his failures on other people. Since that same man is her grandson, she might even threaten to wash his mouth out with soap as she did when he was a child.

I feel assured June would agree with me that wives of ADHD men must comprehend that their husbands have a low level and one-dimensional attention to task. One of my greatest realizations came when I comprehended that Husband did not behave that way on purpose. As long as I thought he personalized his behavior against me, our relationship was in trouble.

She would also understand why I continually focus on my husband’s strengths and good qualities. She would know that leaping from one negative thought to another and to another only ties my emotions into knots. It doesn’t move us forward toward victory.

June was a child during World War I and a responsible adult during World War II.  First hand, she knew the value of being willing to fight for the things she believed in, which in this case was her marriage.

ADD is not easy for persons who have it or for those who live with them! That's why all ADHD marriages can benefit from the support of someone who truly understands the pressures associated with ADHD behaviors.  I invite battle-weary spouses to contact McNay &Voth where we can custom build strategies to help your marriages.

 

Mothers’ Tears

Last week I encountered three of them; that is, I met with three mothers of children with ADHD.

Each of those meetings was random and chance.

They told me similar stories: “I just do not know what to do.”

“He forgets to bring home his school books, or she forgets to bring home the assignments due for the week.”

 “He’s a great kid.”

“She’s a super girl.”

“People like him.”

“I worry because she doesn’t have many friends.”

“He loves his sport, but many times forgets the play his coach gives. I mean, which kid wants to fail at his sport?”

“She likes to play the violin, but she forgets to bring home the music for orchestra practice.”

Mothers of children, teens, and young adults are among the group I call The Women.  These are the individuals whose lives are highly impacted by the challenges and contests associated with the symptoms of ADHD.

In addition, they may be females with ADHD themselves.

 They may also be wives of men with ADHD, but that is a totally different topic for a blog.

Mothers oversee the tiny irritations throughout the household: “Did you turn off the lights or remember to take out the trash?”

“Have you started on your homework? Do you have homework? Where is it? What do you mean, you can’t remember?”

As well, they carry the heavier burdens: “Have you started writing the paper that is due in class in two days?”

“You’re in college and you forgot about an assignment?”

“I am afraid my adolescent child is using drugs or smoking pot.”

“Have you paid your car insurance?”

Mothers repeat over and again, “But my child or young adult is really an awesome person. My kid is highly intelligent and a creative thinker. “

“Is he or she doing this to aggravate me?”

“His or her Dad says I baby and coddle too much, but if I don’t help or advocate for my child, who will?”

Mothers contact mental health professionals or physicians for ADHD testing. They work closely with teachers and other school personnel and join support groups where they can arm themselves with information. They contact me as a coach and champion.

All three mothers, who talked with me last week, shed tears and then apologized.

“Go ahead and cry. Vent your frustrations and worries. I’m a Mom, and I have shed tears over my own kids. It’s what we often do.”

It’s going to sound cheesy, but Mothers’ tears water the seeds for potential and growth in the child, teen, or adolescent with ADHD.

For Mothers of persons with ADHD, and the group may include Mothers with adult children, I begin with these three proven recommendations:

1.    Accept your child for who he or she may be.

2.   Never punish her/him for behavior that she/he is unable to control.

3.   Watch for times to praise her/his positive behaviors.

It’s a challenging job, but The Women are up to it. My Quaker Mom often encouraged me with this statement that is also true for you: “Dearie, we are not the weaker sex.”

Take heart. I hope you and other Mothers of persons with ADHD will contact us at McNay & Voth, so we can stand along-side you in your quest for the best for your children.

Reach us at www.coachadh.com , or phone us at 316-655-9807.

 

 

The Sleepiness of It All

A colleague said: “Sure teens with ADHD like to sleep 11 or 12 hours. So do my own kids.”

“So does my husband,” I retorted. “Does that make him a kid?”

Maybe not, but it does make him a person with ADHD who has sleep problems.

For a long time now, ADHD has been linked to sleep difficulties. Actually I’ve heard that as many as 55 percent of person with ADHD complain of some sort of sleep problems.

For Husband that means he wears an apnea mask, and like many people with ADHD, he often has restless leg actions and jerky movements in his sleep.

Personally, I appreciate the apnea mask. I can actually get a quieter night’s sleep. Before he got it, his snoring kept me awake or on edge each night. The sound often caused me to dream I was driving a truck.

Seriously.

I appreciate the mask for him, though, more than I do for me.

He sleeps better. A rested Husband is less sluggish and moody. Some days, he is even more clever, witty, and funny.  It is well-known that sleep problems can lead to mood disorders and intellectual impairment. Treating sleep problems in children and adults with ADHD may improve symptoms and quality of life.

In the early days of our marriage, I noticed he slept with his lips tightly together. “How come? I mean you don’t snore or drool or anything.”

“I work at not snoring. My Dad snores,and it’s terrible. He also has the worst breath when he sleeps.” 

Honestly, I really didn’t want to hear this about my Father-in-law.

Husband went on to say, “I once asked Mom: can you imagine sleeping with that noise and breath all the time? She got this hurt look on her face. ‘Yes, I can’ she said.  I thought oops, that was the wrong thing to say to her. But I don’t want to be like Dad.”

Of course, as I mentioned, Husband got over his resolve not to snore. Our children used to complain about his loud snoring as he once did about his Dad’s.

“The worst thing about your sleep problems is how they affect your daytime functioning,” I once told him.

“What do you mean?” he said as he looked at me with a drowsy expression.

“The defense rests,” I retorted.

“But I want to tell you, I continued, “Some researchers think ADHD symptoms are caused by sleep deficiency. I know there is a link between sleep problems and ADHD, but I don’t see that sleep problems cause your ADHD symptoms. I think it may be the opposite.”

“Me, too. I used to wet the bed until I was 12 or 13. Maybe that was part of the restlessness.”

“I thought you were going to say one of your smart-aleck comments and say you wet the bed until you were 20 or 21.”

“Well, you know that I can say some really clever things.”

In case you or a loved one is a person with ADHD who has sleep difficulties, I recommend you see your physician or psychiatrist with a description of your sleep problems and a discussion of sleep hygiene.

If you are a person with ADHD, and you experience any type of problem associated with ADHD, we invite you to visit McNay & Voth.

We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.com or phone 316-655-9807.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay & Voth Gateway Community

Brutally Honest

During a recent morning at breakfast I rambled on and on about events at my job and other comments with which I hoped Husband would help me.

I noticed he merely continued to chew.

“Do you have any observations that might help me?”

“No.” He chewed some more.

I kept on with my chatter because I dislike eating meals in silence. Time once was that we talked a lot through meals.

Of course, in my candor, I must admit we talked mostly about him and his work stresses or his disappointment in his father.

Finally I asked, “Do you want me to talk about my work? Are you interested in listening?”

He said, “Can I be brutally honest?”

“Not if you are going to say ‘frankly I don’t give a damn’.”

“Well, I was going to say that, so I will say that I am not interested in what you do or the interactions you have at work.”

“OK, then. That’s all she wrote,” I said in a kind voice and with a sweet smile.

I quietly pulled the small imaginary dart from my heart where it often pierces somewhere behind the breast bone.

His face had a flat affect as usual. After all with ADHD, it is altogether about the person and not about the relationships – unless those relationships constantly support and uplift the ADHD person.

“You choose a topic, and we can talk about it,” I suggested.

“Did you tell me what the schedule is for today?”  Husband asked.

“It has to do with meetings I have for work. I don’t think you want to hear it.”

“I do want to drive around town with you, so tell me where we are going.”

So I gave him a brief time table.

We chatted about the number of people in our age range who use canes, and agreed we are blessed not to need that type of assistance, yet.

“Where do you want to go to church this Sunday?” I asked as I repeated the two choices he mentioned earlier in the week.

“We also have the choice not to go anywhere, so ask me Saturday. We will be busy moving you to your new office space this week. We may be too tired.”

“That’s fair,” I told him, hoping for a day of relaxation at home.

“Today is Free Pie Day. Are we going to take ours home?” he asked.

I nodded in agreement. After all, if it is free, we take it, right?

“Where are we going next?” Husband asked even though I had told him our schedule less than 10 minutes earlier.

I didn’t remind him of that because he is most concerned about problems he currently has with his memory.

As to my memory, which also fails at times, I distinctly remember that one reason I married him was for the frequency and depth of conversations we enjoyed. Before the way ADHD wore him down, before the days of medications, and during the years when impulsivity ruled his behaviors, we talked a lot.

In my brutal honesty, I admit I miss those days and miss the talk, even if it was mostly about him. It’s as if I am missing a significant part of him.

Does anyone else out there experience something similar with their person with ADHD?

 

 

Apple Pie and Family Connections

When we first married, I told Husband many stories about my precious and wonderful extended family. I am related to some really neat and admirable people on both sides of my family lines.

Usually though, I talked more about my Mother’s people because they lived nearby as I grew up.

“You should meet my Aunt Margret,” I would often tell him.

“I hope to do that one day. From everything you say about her, she modeled neatness and orderliness for you more than your Mom did.”

“Oh, yes. Aunt Margret was the utmost in being an aunt, even though she was Mother’s sister-in-law. She loved me. I learned much from watching her.”

“And you said she was a great cook. That’s the most interesting part about her.”

“Yes, and I should tell you about her apple pie. She made homemade applesauce for her pies then filled pie shells with it. By fill, I mean over the top which she crowned with lattice crust.”

“Really ? It sounds good.”

“Oh, it was better than good, and Mother told me Margret learned how to bake and cook from my Grandmother Dutton.”

She made pies and fried chicken from the recipes taught her by her Mother-in-law, my grandmother that I never knew.

It was a connection. Do you know what I mean?

My Grandmother died four years before I was born. I only knew her through Mother’s stories and memories.

It was not the same.

But hardcore connections like apple pie constructed with pristine detail built a bridge. So did the stories of how Grandmother would attempt to redirect the temper and stubbornness she often saw in my Mother.

Grandmother was neat, tidy, and wise in many ways.

“This family-connection thing is really important,” I told Husband. “It gives me a sense of my own identity. It gives me a sense of heredity for me and my children. I know this is not a new concept, but it is poignant to me.”

Now comes the part where I relate this ADHD.

Family ties and structure help persons with ADHD perform more effectively toward their individual potential.

ADHD may be said to be a family-based or genetic disorder, which means many persons within the same unit struggle with similar life issues and challenges. In that case, family life may seem a bit more chaotic.

But that does not negate the fact that family structure is the most foundational social unit. Family structure and strictness provides a strut for the child or teen with ADHD, and that strut provides a guide for living up to potential.

Last night I talked with my cousin, Aunt Margret’s daughter who lives in Georgia. “I would give anything to be across a table from you now, eating bologna sandwiches and chips, and drinking Pepsi.” I told her. “And don’t forget the Hydrox Cookies.”

We both cried real tears at the memory.

That’s what I call a family connection.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

 

 

 

Aunt Ruthie, Chemical Imbalance, and Jokes

I’ve never before told you about my Aunt Ruth and my Mother, Naomi, the Dutton
Sisters who loved each other more than I can ever describe for you.

It’s enough to say their unique friendship and relationship always made me yearn for a sister of my own. They made it seem that being sisters was the best thing in the world. Because Mother loved Ruth so deeply, I thought my Aunt Ruthie, as I called her, was the utmost in terms of being doting and special. She was funny, kind, witty, sweet, and hilarious. Did I mention her unusual talent for being clever and humorous?

But in her older years when medications and illness had taken their toll, there were times when she was not herself, and conversations took on a new kind of humor.

For example during one round of medication gone amiss, Ruthie’s behavior was extremely exasperating for my cousin and her husband, Denny, who served as Auntie’s caregivers.

Ruth became demanding and difficult to live with, as well as hateful with her words. On the day my cousin took a few minutes away from the house, Ruthie kept insisting that cousin come home and care of HER MOTHER. Denny explained my cousin would be gone on errands for a time, and he was there to help in any way possible.

This further infuriated Ruth who said in her loudest old-lady voice, “Denny, how would you like to kiss my a***?”

In his practiced calm and unperturbed voice, Denny quickly replied, “Ruth, if I thought it would help, I might be tempted to do so.”

I can imagine the startled expression on her face. Just thinking of it sends me into a spasm of giggles.

Today is a good day for me to remember how Denny balanced the stress of Ruthie’s mental imbalance with his calm and a sense of humor of his own.

Husband is thrashing in the quagmire of depression again today, and I should take a hint from Denny, and even Aunt Ruthie that a good laugh can indeed make a heart grow merry.

This morning I asked Husband: “What is wrong? What are you thinking?”

He turned his anger on me: “I woke up alive. What’s going on with you?”

“How else are you going to wake up? It is either alive or nothing. And as to your question, I am glad I am alive and that you are alive.”

He glared at me when I smiled at him.

Really? Are you kidding me? I have to admit I get tired of putrid responses like his.

I thought of phoning my friend, Patty, who can make me laugh by the way she answers the phone. Instead we went to George and Kay’s house because we thought the group study would take place this afternoon.

George likes to tell silly Scandinavian jokes since he is Swedish and mimics the accent quite well. He tells Ole and Lena jokes that are so quirky, I can’t help but laugh. Such silliness lightens the burdens of the heart.

Consider this another blog about the harsh reality of depression that stalks a large percentage of persons with ADHD. Consider how humor can help lift the spirits of both the person and family members who live with the stress of his or her depression.

And if you live with a person with ADHD who is often depressed, I invite you to contact us at McNay&Voth www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We will talk.

 

 

Christmas Traditions

Oldest Daughter was three, and Crown Prince was two months old when Husband instructed me, “Atha, I want there to be several gifts under the Christmas tree for each child every year.”

I correctly interpreted this to mean he wanted me to buy and wrap those several presents.

“How many is several?” I asked.

“Oh, 20-25 each ought to do it.”

“How many?” I gasped.

“Mom used to make certain we four kids had that many presents each, and I want to continue the tradition with my kids.”

I bit my lip to keep from telling him to start shopping. Instead I asked, “What kind of gifts? Did she really spend that much money?”

Knowing that Father-in-law could be tight with money, I didn’t expect she spent hundreds of dollars on presents in the 1950’s.

“Oh, she might wrap one colorful pencil. Sometime she wrapped socks for us boys or nail polish for the girls, but she made sure we had several packages to unwrap. You know – hats, gloves, shirts, candy, and bubble bath, things like that.”

“Did you go around the room and open them one at a time, like Grandma Lutz taught us to do?”

“Yes. The fun for Mother was wrapping packages in front of us and going shopping with money she really didn’t have. She might wrap a package and hand it to me. Then she would say: ‘Go put a name tag on this.’ I would ask her which name. ‘Well, yours,’ she would say, ‘Didn’t you see me wrap it?’ “

For some strange reason, at the time, I thought this was funny. Now, I see the ADHD way of thinking, and it seems a bit farcical.

Whether it was or not, I did as Husband requested, and every year I began going to garage sales in September to find bargains on toys and play items. I kept a hidden list that helped me keep track of the number of gifts for each child. It had to be an identical amount.

You notice we kept Husband’s family tradition, and you also notice I am the one who did all the work.

Husband knew how to cut himself a great deal of slack during those holidays. He might assemble a toy I bought, or carry a box of goodies I baked. He knew how to keep one tradition alive, the one tradition that had his name on it in a manner of speaking. Where I was influenced by the traditions thrown at me from commercials and marketers, the one tradition he considered important came from his Mother’s ability to think outside the box (no pun intended).

Persons with ADHD and their family members can take a lesson from this: not all holiday traditions have your name on them. Husband wisely chose one that held a treasure of memories for him, and that is where he put his focus. Even today, he never allows the season to become overstimulating or overwhelming for himself. I recommend you keep your traditions simple. Don’t develop to-do lists filled with items you likely will not even look at.

For additional resources and help with ADHD, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557.

Love and Respect

Last week, a woman I had just met asked an attention-grabbing comment about marriage. “Have you noticed that many women spend a great deal of effort loving their husbands who in turn show respectful consideration to their wives?”

I had to admit I had not thought of it in that manner, but as she further explained, I could see where she came from on her comments.

“Women do all types of things to show their devotion and affection for their husbands. They serve their men with love by doing for them. A wife may cook his favorite meal, make certain his clothes are ready for work or social occasions, plan activities with his family. She does this because she wants him to know she loves him above all else.”

“Are you saying you think such loving behavior is inappropriate or even unbiblical ?”

“No, but I am saying that when it comes to biblical direction, our culture may have it backwards.” She replied.

She and I had been talking about the biblical passage Ephesians 5:33: But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.

“Think about what this is telling us. We know each wife has a deep need to feel loved, and she needs for her husband to demonstrate that love in ways that are meaningful to her,” she continued.

I like the translation that say a man should love his wife as much as he does his own body,” I laughed. “It seldom seems to happen that way. I believe my husband loves me, but he loves himself more than he does me. I thought it was part of the ADHD thing.”

“It could be, but does he think he shows love to you?”

With thoughtful contemplation, I admitted, “He thinks it is enough to say he loves me and to do little things for me that he likes to do.”

Then she asked, “Do you respect your husband?”

“I make it a point to show respect even when it is difficult to feel it deep inside. I know he needs it. It’s important I consult him on most issues dealing with the family and management of our home. I ask his opinion and do my best to follow through with his desires. Sometimes is it a willful decision to do this because he has not always been that considerate of me. He also likes for me to praise him and brag on his talents.” After a brief pause I continued: “I also keep step with him when we walk together. It may sound funny, but I purposefully match my steps to his.”

I mindfully remembered past his past decisions that centered-around what he wanted and what he thought was best for him. He was not considerate of me, and he knew it. For that reason, he would hide those decisions from me.

“I can see where this information would benefit the couples where one is a person with ADHD. The man with ADHD should set goals for learning how to make his wife feel loved. The woman with ADHD should set goals to respect as well as love for her husband,” I remarked while my mind chased after ways I wish Husband had showed love for me in our early years together.

“I can’t go there,” I thought. “The significance of this conversation lies in how well I can go forward with the future.”

Instead I said, “For me, the term respect means holding Husband in high regard and valuing his presence and comments. He comes first before any other person I know, even our grown children.”

My new acquaintance continued, “I want to recommend a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.  Dr. Eggerichs talks about how to make a good marriage even better. “

She said it is a book that helps couples communicate better. However, today at lunch, I asked Husband what the word respect means to him.

“If you lose it, it is something that is difficult to get back.”

“But do you think I respect you?”

“Sure,” he said. “You tell me you love me and ask me to go places with you.”

Hmmm, I think we need to work on communication.

 

 

 

 

Labor Day

This day is set aside to celebrate the working class of our nation, as well as a day to cease our labors for rest and relaxation.

I don’t understand the concept rest and take it easy. It has never happened that way for me the first Monday in September. At least, it has not happened very much since I began raising children.

It certainly hasn’t happened often since I began shoring up a spouse with ADHD.

Not that I am complaining - much. I love Husband. I love memories from previous Labor Days when the children were small.

I remember the year I hanged freshly-washed laundry on the clothes line. Husband called to me from the backyard, “I am going to smoke this steak for dinner today.”  It was one activity he enjoyed, so it was the one activity on his list for the day.

“Hey, wait. I just put those clothes on the line. The smoker stands next to it. Wait until they are dried before you light the wood.

“Too late,” he called again.

I made the mad scramble to bring the clothes indoors.

Other Labor Days we mostly puttered around in the yard or prepared food for visits from extended family.

We didn’t do much in the way of neglected chores, even though our house was that one house on the block. You know the one where the trim needed repair or paint. Other minor, copulatory chores reproduced during the darkest hours of night, and neighbors talked about us behind our backs.

One was brave enough to say it to my face, ”Rather than helping others through your church, you should stay home and take care of the repairs on your own place.”

I merely groaned inward. She had no idea. In addition to caring for my children, keeping house, mowing the lawn, and working part time as a freelance writer, I had not the time or skill to get the other things done; neither did I have the money.

Doing all I was capable of accomplishing, I certainly did not have the emotional strength to push Husband into action or force him to spend his money.

“If they had only known, or even if I had known what I do now,” I sigh.

My husband was not going to be the one who cared what others thought nor was he sensitive to my need for tidiness. He was oblivious to it all, and he didn’t intend to change.

This particular neighbor’s husband mowed the grass, repaired fences, took care of the car, and took out the trash without needing to be prompted, coerced, or reminded. She had no clue.

Families without ADHD do not understand. The spouse of the person with ADHD is often in turmoil because things do not get done. Whether it is a wife or husband with ADHD, the spouse agonizes over the incompletes.

It is a constant nag at the back of the mind. It is far from rest or ceasing to strife.

Of course none of the neighbors had the courage to speak to Husband directly. They came to me with the mistaken notion that I could make him get things done.

“Ha! If I knew how to do that, I could patent the notion and make a million,”   I often thought.

Being ever-optimistic, I hoped the Labor Day cooler temperatures and the prospect of a new school year would motivate Husband into action.

Every year I dreamed for that.

Now that we have grown older, I hope for Husband to get out of bed before 10 a.m. on Labor Day and to do something other than sit in front of the TV when he does.

I continue to hope for that.

He has the retirement concept down to an art. He has no problem with the concept of rest and cease from labor, and on this Labor Day, one of us continues to labor and the other continues to rest and relax.