Woman in Battle

Our nation sets aside Memorial Day as the one official holiday to honor citizens, men and women, who served and died during war. When I was a child, we called it Decoration Day when folks put flowers on the graves of dead loved ones.

Today I use Memorial Day to lay verbal flowers at the feet of one particular citizen who fought in a unique war: Husband’s Grandmother, June Lutz.

Grandmother June is my hero for many reasons, but mainly for the 52 years she was wife to Grandpa Roy, a man with ADHD. Keep in mind that Grandpa was never officially diagnosed with the disorder; it wasn’t officially recognized while he was alive. However, I KNOW, I just know that he is one of the genetic reasons Husband is a person with ADHD.  It explains why Roy was who he was.

June told me she was enamored with Roy while a teen. She loved his mother for the same type of creative and unconventional behaviors she loved in Roy. When she was 18 years old, she married him, and I consider that the day she went to war.

Roy was creative, funny, and hilariously socially inappropriate at times. Whenever he made off-color remarks, June shrieked “Roy!!”, and we all laughed until the tears came.  It encouraged him to keep it up.

He also could be kind-hearted, generous, and loving which is one reason his three daughters adored him. But he had a problem for many years; he self-medicated with alcohol. He claimed he drank because of the pain of osteoarthritis in his legs, but I suggest there was more to it. When drunk, he was mean, and June and his daughters carefully skirted around the landmines of his anger and surliness.

As do many spouses with ADHD, Roy demonstrated an uncontrolled, sporadic indifference to their feelings and just about everything else. During the times he made strong willful efforts at being better, June forgave him.  When he was obstinate and hateful, she straightened her backbone and stood strong against him.

Even when he stopped drinking, she continued to be the resilient partner who brought in the family income during an era when mothers seldom worked outside the home.

As I think of my own battle weariness, I am reminded that June loved Roy and continually encouraged him. I think she would understand if I could explain why I choose to forgive Husband: his total disregard when I ask him to complete a chore, or even begin it, his lack of caring of my needs and wants. She would understand the frustration of living with a man who chooses not to tell the truth, and who blames all his failures on other people. Since that same man is her grandson, she might even threaten to wash his mouth out with soap as she did when he was a child.

I feel assured June would agree with me that wives of ADHD men must comprehend that their husbands have a low level and one-dimensional attention to task. One of my greatest realizations came when I comprehended that Husband did not behave that way on purpose. As long as I thought he personalized his behavior against me, our relationship was in trouble.

She would also understand why I continually focus on my husband’s strengths and good qualities. She would know that leaping from one negative thought to another and to another only ties my emotions into knots. It doesn’t move us forward toward victory.

June was a child during World War I and a responsible adult during World War II.  First hand, she knew the value of being willing to fight for the things she believed in, which in this case was her marriage.

ADD is not easy for persons who have it or for those who live with them! That's why all ADHD marriages can benefit from the support of someone who truly understands the pressures associated with ADHD behaviors.  I invite battle-weary spouses to contact McNay &Voth where we can custom build strategies to help your marriages.

 

Did I Love Him?

Did I Love Him?

A Facebook friend posted a blog that has appealed to people all over the world. The writer, Pop Chassid, claims he only thought he loved his wife when they met, dated, and married. No so, he now claims, because at those times he was merely filled with emotion and inward fire. Since then, he has learned that he loves his wife through his actions. Throughout all major religions he has received a hearty endorsement for his words.

OK. Here’s mine.

I mean the man said it so well. Love is action.

When I met a handsome blonde boy/man in World Literature, I was immediately attracted to his humble ways and intelligence. Actually, I was drawn to his crude sense of humor.

I didn’t know it was more than a sense of humor; it was how he went through life gaining acceptance.

“Make ‘em laugh,” he thought, “They won’t make fun of me as quickly. People will like me for it and accept me. ”

“ Oh my gosh!” I heard myself respond to many of his remarks and stories. Other times I blushed scarlet.

He thought it meant I liked him, which really I did. But I didn’t love him

A few years later I sat across the table eating a meal with him as we hinted about the type of life we would form together and the marriage we would have. He liked the starry gaze in my eyes, and we both thought that we were in love.

Passion. Attraction. Strong positive feelings. We had those, but not real love.

It wasn’t until after we married that I truly began to really love him through my actions.

I told him about the love of God who accepts him at all times and in spite of  mistakes.

I praised him in front of people even though at home I observed weaknesses he hid from me during the courting years.

I helped to pay bills when he forgot to do so, or deliberately refused to pay them. I encouraged him through the moments of misery when financial decisions overwhelmed him.

I cleaned and tidied where he made numerous messes and continued to encourage him to learn better skills in that area.

I continually studied and learned about ADHD in order to understand his life past, present, and even plan for life future.

When he got sick, I made certain we sought the best and most appropriate doctor we could find in our community, and I attended his appointments to lend support.

But lest you think I was the only one doing the loving, he also loved through his own actions. He modeled it in front of our kids.

He encouraged me to pursue every dream I’ve had, especially my career and academic dreams.

Most importantly, he was there when I delivered each of our children and took them in his arms and helped to nurture them.

He went to work for us each day and sacrificed with me, so I could be a stay-home mom. Like me, he did not want our children to make that sacrifice.

He supports me in my business which he truly wants to succeed, and has helped me explore facets of ADHD exemplified through his personal experiences.

After 39 plus years, we have really loved each other time and again, and I am proud of us.

We are now in our Sexy Sixties as he likes to describe us, and I pray we have many more years to express our love actions.

Like today, he is coming to my office to take me to lunch because I have to work until 10 p.m.  I will be that late because I teach evening classes at a local university.  I love him by making certain I take on this extra work whenever it is offered.

Did I love when I married Husband? Compared to now, I didn’t know what love was all about. But I know now.

 

 

I'm Hungry

Per my usual Monday morning routine, today I woke early to post weekly grades and feedback for the college classes I teach online. I attempt to make as little noise possible so Husband can continue to sleep.

Who am I trying to kid? I really do not fear he is going to wake. As a matter of fact, I know he would sleep until nearly noon if I did not give him some incentive for waking and facing a new week.

It’s just how it is.

You might know how it feels to waken feeling empty.  Yesterday I ate very little, and this morning, my body kept saying “feed me.”  I continued to work and complete my morning goals as extensively as possible, knowing I should include Husband in breakfast plans.

Finally I went to our bedroom and said, “Get up so we can decide if I am taking you out to breakfast, or preparing breakfast here.”

I am rather certain the only words he heard were “I am taking you out to breakfast.”

He sat up without much prompting and hurriedly got dressed.

“I’m starving,” I told him.

He didn’t respond as he took his morning medications, and within minutes we were facing each other across the table at the restaurant.

We eat breakfast there so often, the waitresses know that I drink ice tea with lemon, and that he often orders it, too. It didn’t take our waitress long to place our order.

However, Husband thought it took an extremely long time for her to serve it. “I am starving and hungry,” he said with that constant flat expression in his eyes.

Where humor or other emotion once danced, these days nothing-much has taken their place.

I just looked at him. No response, no message on my face. I merely stared back at him.

“I know. It’s all about me, right?” he said.

I thought, “Had it not been for you, I would have eaten breakfast hours ago.”

Instead, I said, “I’m listening to you. I think your meal will be here shortly.”

In the meantime, we both tried not to listen to the man in the booth behind us. He talked about being cheated when he mowed lawns as a kid. He told the waitress that his sister could pay for his meal. He droned on and on about various jobs he’s held over the years, and they all seemed negative.

We discovered he was still single, and his sister and brother-in-law didn’t seem to like him much. He was not a pleasant experience.

The thought came to me, “He makes your handsome and refined Husband look pretty good, huh?”

I recalled how we spent Mother’s Day yesterday with our wonderful children. They are the children he helped me raise and the bright, witty adults who continue to bring joy and delight to my heart. They are his off-spring.

Sure, he seems rather selfish much of the time. I know that his ADHD might lead to further mental illness through depression or other break down in his brain. Yes, I will continue to provide incentives for him to awaken early enough to enjoy the day, and if means delaying when I breakfast, so he can sleep, I will likely do that, too.

In my own selfishness, I may continue to complain at times.

 

 

 

Thankful

Recently I told Husband: “I often ask parents of kids or teens to name their children’s strengths. Their answers always include similar qualities: creative, highly intelligent, eager to help, kind, loving. Isn’t that interesting?”

He kept a straight face: “I know. I resemble those qualities.”

“Yes, you do, and it is not a joke. Those are some of the reasons why I agreed to marry you.”

“What else?”

“What else, what? Why else did I want to marry you?”

He nodded his head.

“You were young, tall, blonde, and handsome. I loved your sense of humor and gentlemanly manners. Besides, you told me you cook.”

“I did at one time. I once loved to cook. And I did it well, if I do say so myself.”

“In addition to that, you wanted to marry me. You were not a jock who was all full of yourself. Of the fifteen qualities I wanted in a husband, you were all of them and more.”

“You are sweet to tell me those things.”

“I’ve been saying them for nearly 40 years. Don’t act as if you are surprised.”

“Surprised? No, I am grateful.”

“I am the one who is grateful, and I thank God for you and your devotion to me and our children.”

“Really?”

“Don’t let that go to your head. I am not thankful for some ways ADHD manifests itself through your actions.”

He moaned. “Don’t go there.”

“Of course, I won’t. If I ever got started, I might not stop. Besides, I make it a habit to build you up, not tear you down or add to your self-abasement. But back to being thankful, we’ve shared many wonderful experiences and a few that were very sad.”

“Now that you mention it, I was thinking of our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. It was less than a week after we buried my Mother. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that day without you.”

“That was a horrible week! I felt so sorry for your Grandmother and Grandfather when they hosted Thanksgiving Dinner that year. They are another reason I am thankful for you; you gave me grandparents. I never knew what that was like before.”

“Grandma and Grandpa loved you. They were surprised someone like you would choose to love me.”

I knew they were not surprised. They understood him and appreciated his strengths.

“I am thankful you taught me to loosen up a bit. I was quite serious about life when we married.”

“I’ve meant to talk to you about that.”

“Listen, smart-aleck. You have many times. Seriously, one of the advantages of living with your ADHD comes from the way it helped change my perspectives. Your way of thinking has rubbed off on me at times.”

“Would you do it again?”

“What? Marry you? Of course. It made living with you and having those three kids legal and moral. I wouldn’t want you to be married to another woman. That’s too much like your other Grandfather.”

We won’t go there, either.   

Love and Respect

Last week, a woman I had just met asked an attention-grabbing comment about marriage. “Have you noticed that many women spend a great deal of effort loving their husbands who in turn show respectful consideration to their wives?”

I had to admit I had not thought of it in that manner, but as she further explained, I could see where she came from on her comments.

“Women do all types of things to show their devotion and affection for their husbands. They serve their men with love by doing for them. A wife may cook his favorite meal, make certain his clothes are ready for work or social occasions, plan activities with his family. She does this because she wants him to know she loves him above all else.”

“Are you saying you think such loving behavior is inappropriate or even unbiblical ?”

“No, but I am saying that when it comes to biblical direction, our culture may have it backwards.” She replied.

She and I had been talking about the biblical passage Ephesians 5:33: But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.

“Think about what this is telling us. We know each wife has a deep need to feel loved, and she needs for her husband to demonstrate that love in ways that are meaningful to her,” she continued.

I like the translation that say a man should love his wife as much as he does his own body,” I laughed. “It seldom seems to happen that way. I believe my husband loves me, but he loves himself more than he does me. I thought it was part of the ADHD thing.”

“It could be, but does he think he shows love to you?”

With thoughtful contemplation, I admitted, “He thinks it is enough to say he loves me and to do little things for me that he likes to do.”

Then she asked, “Do you respect your husband?”

“I make it a point to show respect even when it is difficult to feel it deep inside. I know he needs it. It’s important I consult him on most issues dealing with the family and management of our home. I ask his opinion and do my best to follow through with his desires. Sometimes is it a willful decision to do this because he has not always been that considerate of me. He also likes for me to praise him and brag on his talents.” After a brief pause I continued: “I also keep step with him when we walk together. It may sound funny, but I purposefully match my steps to his.”

I mindfully remembered past his past decisions that centered-around what he wanted and what he thought was best for him. He was not considerate of me, and he knew it. For that reason, he would hide those decisions from me.

“I can see where this information would benefit the couples where one is a person with ADHD. The man with ADHD should set goals for learning how to make his wife feel loved. The woman with ADHD should set goals to respect as well as love for her husband,” I remarked while my mind chased after ways I wish Husband had showed love for me in our early years together.

“I can’t go there,” I thought. “The significance of this conversation lies in how well I can go forward with the future.”

Instead I said, “For me, the term respect means holding Husband in high regard and valuing his presence and comments. He comes first before any other person I know, even our grown children.”

My new acquaintance continued, “I want to recommend a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.  Dr. Eggerichs talks about how to make a good marriage even better. “

She said it is a book that helps couples communicate better. However, today at lunch, I asked Husband what the word respect means to him.

“If you lose it, it is something that is difficult to get back.”

“But do you think I respect you?”

“Sure,” he said. “You tell me you love me and ask me to go places with you.”

Hmmm, I think we need to work on communication.