In Honor of the ADHD Man on Father’s Day

This week offered another delightful opportunity for an interview on the Brett and Sierra Show, and we used it to talk about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

As Brett began the discussion, he asked, “How can the man with ADHD get those pesky irritating chores done without distraction or procrastination?”

First of all, the partner or spouse should avoid nagging him. Nagging does not help. Procrastination is problematic, and it is often an issue of time management.  Time management belongs to the area of organization, and mental disorganization is often common among men with ADHD. How we organize is personal, from our own inward way of looking at the issue.

Click to watch Dr. Atha talking with Brett and Sierra about men with ADHD!

The man with ADHD procrastinates because the task or chore does not warrant how he wants to spend his time.  When the motivation is strong enough, he will spend his time on it. I should go ahead and say that many men with ADHD do not procrastinate, especially at their jobs, because their own self image is tied to their careers.

Sierra then asked: “Why can it take longer for the man with ADHD to get into a project, not to mention  getting it even half-way completed?"  As an answer, I suggest that many men with ADHD have it all figured out in their minds how they want the finished project to look or how it should come together.  They have pictured it as a perfectly completed project. As they work on it and find they are not doing it perfectly, they become frustrated.

We can also place the blame on the twins Distractibility and Executive Function Challenges. I recommend that tasks and chores be broken into doable, bite-size portions where they will not seem overwhelming. The chore has to be done in stages anyway, so use that to advantage.  When the man finishes a small task or even one that is larger, he can be spurred onward by the feeling of success.

When interruptions  distract the ADHD man from a task, he can hold on to a physical artifact to remind him of what he was doing.  It will focus his attention more quickly, and help him return to the task. For example, a hammer in hand may remind him that he was working on a broken gate before he got interrupted.

The man with ADHD himself may also ask: “How can the person with ADHD deal with boring tasks or chores?”  It is important to see the significance in the chore such as cleaning the garage or changing oil in the car.  One man links a seemingly insignificant chore with time to listen to his favorite music. His busy work schedule allows little time for his music, but by choosing a couple of chores each week, he schedules a date with his music and headphones, and meets two goals in one setting. The beauty of music is good for the brain, helps lower blood pressure, and provides a super background companion.

Another man might ask: “What make good incentives to begin and complete a task?” The answer to that will be most personal. The tiniest thing can be a huge incentive to complete a sizeable task. “I’ll treat myself to a favorite snack when I get this done, “ one man might say. Another’s wife offered tickets to a baseball game when he completed a much-needed house repair. Of course an incentive can be huge if the task is highly important. One person promised himself a new motor home if he got his tax information to the account before the deadline.  Needless to say, he had been wanting a motor home for several months, so it worked well for him to link it to getting his taxes done. 


For more about men with ADHD or to view this interview, follow the link above or visit our website, coachadhd.com.

Tax Day

April 15^th. The dreaded Tax Day. Possibly you’re among many tax-paying Americans who don’t dread the deadline to file your Income Tax forms. You’re done, and your tax return is in the mail.  If so, then congratulations.

However, for many adults with ADHD, filing tax forms often brings a sense of guilt or gnaw of defense and plethora of excuses as to why the forms are not ready to mail by midnight. On the other hand, the same adult can take heart.  You can easily overcome tax quandaries this year and can be ready for next year’s tax season.

If you’re not ready to file you tax forms this year, quickly expend the time and effort to consult a tax preparation specialist, and learn how you can file for an extension. If you have the forms, but not the money you need to pay, talk to the tax specialist on how you can file now and pay later.

Keep the promise to yourself that you will be ready earlier next year to get your tax forms done on time. Orderly record keeping may not be the most interesting project for you to carry out, but it can be done. When tax time rolls over us, it's important to have a head start on the process of filing.

Whatever it might be, your personal system for organization can serve you well in your record keeping. Possibly for you, it is a simple matter of a large paper grocery bag. I’m not kidding; I saw it work well for a late friend. She was a professional, and she made a super income. She just did not like to take on the challenge of sorting papers related to income tax. The current year’s brown sack sat on the corner of her desk.

Any paper, bill, receipt she thought might be related to taxes went into the sack. “I take it to my tax lady and let her sort out the important ones,” she told me when I laughed at her system. “That’s what I pay her to do.”  It worked. No guess work as to what the tax preparation specialist might need.

Other persons find that they do well with color-coded files, and they make them simple in case another member of the family may need to get to the information. Pick a color that matches your concept of what goes in the file. For example, red is often associated with medical expenses. Yellow is matched with contributions and charity donations. Whichever color you use, it must remind you of the content. Keep these files in a crate or desk drawer that you will see each month. Whenever a tax record comes across your desk that month, file it immediately in the correct file folder. Other persons use open small baskets or containers of different colors. Open baskets allow for a quick toss when sorting important pieces of information.

Of course, you need an incentive for filing those papers each month, so think how you might reward yourself when you do. Undeniably, you are bribing yourself to do something that needs to be done anyway, but persons with ADHD often focus better on any task when there is have a reward or reason for doing so. I expect you will know exactly what works well as an incentive for you.

 

 

 

Only One Martha Stewart

Thanks to ADDitude Magazine, I think of Martha Stewart who has made a fantastic name for herself as an American icon of business. In fact, as early as her teen years, she began showing her hand at being a business woman when she worked as a fashion model and in advertising.

Today she is the guru of homemaking and home décor. I don’t know of many women who dislike her style and elegance. Possibly a few resent her perfection, but it seems likely a majority of American woman drool each time they read her magazine or watch her on TV.

She is one of the richest women in America, and when I see her displays, I wonder how many employees worked ridiculously long hours creating and artistically styling holiday decorations both indoors and out-of-doors for the amazement of the audience. Obviously she can afford to hire it done.

For that reason, I resent the turmoil that takes place deep inside me whenever I read her magazine. In fact, the turmoil is so deep, I’ve stopped watching her on TV. I don’t even know if she still airs shows on TV.

I do know that a Martha presentation in my house would take extra hands to help me, and those hands are not available. Money isn’t always available, either.

Yes, Husband is multi-talented and has an eye for artistic arrangements. No, he is not willing to help when I come up with a project that requires his help.

After all, it is not his idea.

Is it ADD or personality, I always ask you and me? I give much of the credit to his oppositional defiance that is part of his ADD. If asked to do something that takes extra energy and effort, and if it is not his idea, he won’t take part.

He shows his stubbornness or purposely does a faulty job, both of which have hurt my feelings countless times.

In the days when I hosted every Christmas get-together for his family, I asked him to paint a small spot on the wall leading upstairs. It was an obvious patch job that had not been finished, and I had been asking him for weeks to get it done. OK, you are not surprised that my Husband with ADHD had not completed a task. When he finally did (about an hour before they arrived), he applied blue paint to a yellow wall. Even a person who is as color-blind as he is could see the startling contrast.

“You used BLUE paint?” I asked incredulously.

“Why not. It’s painted now, isn’t it? After all, it’s just my family.”

“It isn’t for your family, it’s for me,” I nearly screeched. “You were to complete that job because it means something to me.”

I think he walked away mumbling that had I wanted it yellow, I should have painted it myself. Good point.

Martha would have hung the perfect wreath on that same wall. I left the blue patch in hopes someone would comment on it.

Another Christmas, I purchased the materials for Husband to help me build a Barbie house for Oldest Daughter. We couldn’t afford one that was commercially made, and I wasn’t certain how to construct it.

“Why do you want to do something as silly as that? She doesn’t need a doll house.”

“Yes, she does. She plays with her Barbie dolls all the time. It merely needs to be opened on one side with two floors and a pitched roof. I have furniture for it.”

It ended up being hastily thrown together and not at all what I had designed. He painted it in the same blue.

So why I am writing about this? Along with resolving to avoid being Martha, I made another resolve: stop asking him to help with my projects. Of course, that is exactly what he wanted me to do, and it certainly makes for a less-frustrating marriage arrangement.

With the holidays upon us, I offer this advice to the spouse, and I point this mainly at wives, of a person with ADHD. You might need to lower your expectations this year. Stop drooling. Relax. If your spouse will not help with your holiday ideas, let them go, or modify them to your own time and skills. If your ADHD spouse likes projects, begin now for next year. Don’t wait until the last few days before the holidays for putting your ideas in motion.

I doubt even Martha Stewart does last-minute projects.

 

 

 

Did I Love Him?

Did I Love Him?

A Facebook friend posted a blog that has appealed to people all over the world. The writer, Pop Chassid, claims he only thought he loved his wife when they met, dated, and married. No so, he now claims, because at those times he was merely filled with emotion and inward fire. Since then, he has learned that he loves his wife through his actions. Throughout all major religions he has received a hearty endorsement for his words.

OK. Here’s mine.

I mean the man said it so well. Love is action.

When I met a handsome blonde boy/man in World Literature, I was immediately attracted to his humble ways and intelligence. Actually, I was drawn to his crude sense of humor.

I didn’t know it was more than a sense of humor; it was how he went through life gaining acceptance.

“Make ‘em laugh,” he thought, “They won’t make fun of me as quickly. People will like me for it and accept me. ”

“ Oh my gosh!” I heard myself respond to many of his remarks and stories. Other times I blushed scarlet.

He thought it meant I liked him, which really I did. But I didn’t love him

A few years later I sat across the table eating a meal with him as we hinted about the type of life we would form together and the marriage we would have. He liked the starry gaze in my eyes, and we both thought that we were in love.

Passion. Attraction. Strong positive feelings. We had those, but not real love.

It wasn’t until after we married that I truly began to really love him through my actions.

I told him about the love of God who accepts him at all times and in spite of  mistakes.

I praised him in front of people even though at home I observed weaknesses he hid from me during the courting years.

I helped to pay bills when he forgot to do so, or deliberately refused to pay them. I encouraged him through the moments of misery when financial decisions overwhelmed him.

I cleaned and tidied where he made numerous messes and continued to encourage him to learn better skills in that area.

I continually studied and learned about ADHD in order to understand his life past, present, and even plan for life future.

When he got sick, I made certain we sought the best and most appropriate doctor we could find in our community, and I attended his appointments to lend support.

But lest you think I was the only one doing the loving, he also loved through his own actions. He modeled it in front of our kids.

He encouraged me to pursue every dream I’ve had, especially my career and academic dreams.

Most importantly, he was there when I delivered each of our children and took them in his arms and helped to nurture them.

He went to work for us each day and sacrificed with me, so I could be a stay-home mom. Like me, he did not want our children to make that sacrifice.

He supports me in my business which he truly wants to succeed, and has helped me explore facets of ADHD exemplified through his personal experiences.

After 39 plus years, we have really loved each other time and again, and I am proud of us.

We are now in our Sexy Sixties as he likes to describe us, and I pray we have many more years to express our love actions.

Like today, he is coming to my office to take me to lunch because I have to work until 10 p.m.  I will be that late because I teach evening classes at a local university.  I love him by making certain I take on this extra work whenever it is offered.

Did I love when I married Husband? Compared to now, I didn’t know what love was all about. But I know now.

 

 

Does It Fit?

I often have conversations with ADHD adults about occupations or careers, or whether they are prepared to do their jobs.

It simply boils down to the matter of a good fit for the individual’s strengths and skills.

One adult female told me, “I’d love to have a job working in an office, but I can’t spin the different plates or balance all the responsibilities. I just can’t. I’ve tried.”

So we talked about her strengths and other interests, and she kept coming back to her work with children. She loves the concept of Play Therapy. Bingo, she concentrated her efforts toward play therapy where she already had the hours of training. It fits her well.

As I have previously mentioned, Husband retired after nearly 40 years as a technical writer. Frankly, I’m not certain what made him so successful at that type of detailed work except he has fabulous writing skills, and he reads one word at a time.

He catches typo errors faster than anyone else I know. He loves to scan bulletins, billboards, magazines, and papers for the minute mistakes. He points them out with a broad smile across his face.

I once remarked, “You really get a sense of satisfaction from finding those, don’t you?”

“It’s a game,” he said.  He wins.

So back to the retirement, when it came time to find part time work, he struggled with what kind of job to look for. He applied for a tollbooth attendant with the turnpike authority.

At first he worried about remembering the routine or learning the process.

“You’re kidding me, right? You’ll learn what to do. It may take a few days, but I have no doubt you will catch on quickly.”

“What makes you so certain?” he implored. “How can you be sure?”

“Because I know you and your interests. I know your skill strengths.”

“Such as?”

“First, you like for people to see you are in The Know. When a driver asks you a direction or question about Wichita, you will enjoy having the answers. Second, you’re good with numbers, so you will memorize fees with little effort, even if the machine does total the fees. Third, you will talk to drivers and smile at their dogs and children. That’s good customer-relation skills.”

“Those are the easy things, he replied.

“But the things that come easy to us are usually our abilities and strengths, and the things that come easy to you are necessary skills for this job.”

And, definitely, the job is an excellent fit for him.

In the main, adults with ADHD possess creativity, intelligence, and numerous, individuals skills, but ADHD symptoms such as disorganization and time management problems may hamper using those skills in the work place. Like the woman I mentioned earlier, these adults struggle with work that does not fit their skills.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Services, we take pleasure in helping adults discover their inner creativity and focus on work or occupations that fit who they are and what they can do.

If you are an adult with ADHD who struggles with issues at work, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth at 316-655-9807 or www.coachadhd. Make an appointment for a free hour consultation. We can help you find your personal fit.

 

 

Transferable Skills

For nearly two weeks, Husband stomped throughout the house complaining and even yelling because he had not heard from a potential employer.

“It’s been 10 days, and they said they would phone by now. I know the doctor didn’t find drugs in my system other than the meds I showed him. It’s my previous employer. They must have said something bad about me.”

Of course he said other words that I choose not to print here.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked in my calmest incredulous voice. “They can only verify that you once worked for them.”

Husband doesn’t even get speeding tickets, so he has no criminal record. I was potentially at-risk for one, though, as I thought about turning him over my knee to spank him.

“Give them time. The HR person may not be as anxious about you having a job as you are.” I said.

The crux of the matter is that with being retired, Husband was most ready to have some sort of part time employment.

As I said in my last blog, waiting to get this job nearly drove both of us to desperation.

Of course, within the symptoms of ADHD, what else is new?

But then the answer came that he wanted to hear.  If he could have kissed the feet of the man who hired him, he would have done so.

With the same mouth that cursed and doubted, he walked around the house praising Jesus for a positive answer to prayer.

Then the anxiety began.

“I have to read and understand this training manual. I need someone to demonstrate these responsibilities for me. What if I mess up?”

“What bothers you specifically? Can I help you as you study the manual?”

“Possibly that would help, but what do I know about this work?”

“You‘re expressing only negative thoughts. You would do well to think more positively thoughts. You are more than intelligent enough to do the work.”

I reminded him of his transferable skills, which are skills we learn in one area that we can use in another. Here are just a few of his transferable skills: results oriented, can meet the public, good computer skills, good hand skills, arrives at work on time, team player, and he can calculate and count money.

“I never thought of me in that way,” he said when I talked these skills and several others.

“I pray you won’t let the lay-off from three years ago cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities. It’s a matter of showing up each day and doing the routine. You can learn it easily. ”

Like many children and teens with ADHD, Husband often heard negative statements and questions that caused him to develop negative self-talk patterns: Why did (didn’t) you do that? Get your head out. Try harder. You are lazy (silly, stupid, a smart-aleck). The comments go on and on. As a person with ADHD who was diagnosed later in life, Husband demonstrates self-doubt and anxiety in many new situations because his self-confidence is quite low. He is convinced others will criticize him for the least little mistake, and he benefits from praise and encouragement more than a typical person.

So do most of us.

 

 

 

 

Life After Retirement

I was sitting at the kitchen table one morning in October, 2010, when I saw Husband walk up the sidewalk to the front door.

As he opened it, he saw the question written across my mute face.

“I got laid-off this morning. I am officially still employed until December, but I have too much proprietary information in my head. They walked me out to my van, and I cannot go back for my personal belongings until they call me.”

We had been expecting this type of news off and on for many years. After all, Husband worked for the aircraft industry, and over the years, many people have been laid off from aircraft.

This time, it was 700 workers who lost their jobs. Many had decades of experience as did Husband.

“I guess 36 years of loyalty didn’t mean much to them,” he complained.

“Let’s go out for breakfast,”  I suggested because I wanted to take advantage of the fact we could.

Throughout the meal and the ensuing long drive in country surrounding Wichita, he tried to put on a brave face.

It didn’t work well. “I am embarrassed that they walked me out.”

“Were you the only one?”

“No, several long-term employees, men and women, got walked to their vehicles.”

“Hmm, sounds like a compliment that all of you knew a lot about the business. It wasn’t directed only at you.”

Still it deeply hurt his feelings in a way not related to ADHD. Of course, ADHD didn’t help when it came to his recognizing that lay-offs are distributed without consideration of the individual employee or skills of practice. It was difficult for him to filter out the fact that the lay-off was not directed at him personally.

“I would like for you to help me in my office. I can’t pay a salary right now, but I can take you out to lunch each day, and you can help me grow my business.”  I suggested.

“What would I do? I don’t know your business.”

“You have excellent transferable office skills that would benefit us as we develop.”

He liked the part about going to lunch each day, but he didn’t like having to refocus his skills. He played Free Cell much of the time.

He officially retired and applied for Social Security. He felt a bit better that he still received income. I have to give him credit; he continued to look for employment that would not interfere with Social Security benefits. In the mean time, we spent much time together in a routine and structure created by my work and teaching activities. He had structure, exposure to light, and when he would walk with me, he exercised.

“I know what I’ll do, “ Husband told me a few weeks after the lay-off. “I’ll go back to school and earn certification in another field.”  He enrolled in online classes to begin his studies. I was proud of him for making a proactive decision.

It worked as long as my office remained at home where I could help establish structure and help him focus on his tasks. However, when I rented office space away from home where I could meet clients, his enthusiasm for online learning quickly dissipated.

He told his doctor he wanted nothing more to do with school. Maybe he would work in the kitchen at a local hospital. I attempted to discourage that choice. I know that his ADHD, impulsive comments, and quick temper would not be a good match for that type of environment.

His doctor suggested freelance writing. I groaned inwardly because I knew who would be writing the articles, and it wouldn’t be him.

In a way typically of persons with ADHD, he exploded with loud outbursts of temper and anger caused by his frustration. He applied for a job with the turnpike authority, and they called him back for an interview. They didn’t move quickly enough, though. Waiting to hear from them as to when he started the job nearly drove him to distraction and me to finding a different place to live. Finally, the storm calmed down when he began training for the new position.

As my dear friend remarked, “It’s a shot in the arm for him.”

Of course, when he lost his job, he lost part of his personal identity as do a majority of workers when they lose their jobs. It is a painful experience, but we are moving past it. Has it taken a long time, and does ADHD complicate the healing? Of course. The part we can walk away with stems from the fact that healing can happen, and life can continue after retirement or job loss.

 

 

 

Follow the Steps

I noticed it again this morning as I followed Husband to the front gate.

He often walks ahead of me, not to take a superior position, but to lead and protect me. I follow about two feet behind. Yes, at times, we walk side-by-side, but today’s thoughts have to do with me following behind him.

I find myself matching his rhythm and pattern of steps. He strides with his virile gait, and I imitate his pattern, only my stride is not nearly as long, and my steps are short and quick. My adult children poke fun at me. They call me “Hi-aw-atha.”

As I watched my feet in pattern to Husband’s pace, I thought how symbolically it represents our marriage affected by his ADHD. His disorder sets the pattern for many ways we do things.

When it comes to daily living, I follow him like the coxswain in a row boat.  Do you know what a coxswain does? He or she is rowing the member of a rowing crew who faces forward, steers the boat, and directs the speed and rhythm of the rowers.

I am the one who actually faces forward, thinking in terms of future plans, directing the daily chores of getting things done. “Pick up you right foot; pick up the left” is my mental mantra, which I find myself clandestinely chanting throughout each day.

Our morning routine often goes like this. “It is time for you to get up,” I approach him gently.

“What time is it?” he asks every morning. Every morning.

“What difference does it make?” I habitually reply. “Time for you to get out of bed.”

I return 10 or more minutes later. He may be sitting on the side of the bed; he may not. I share a brief run-down of what he should accomplish for the day. It is never more than three items because his brain would go into a do-loop if more.

“I am going to take you to breakfast,” I say because he really likes eating breakfast out; it is a treat he could not enjoy all the years he had to be at work.

“Where?” he always asks. He hopes I say Village Inn, his favorite.

On a number of mornings I will ask him to work in my office. We attached a chart on the wall next to his desk. Our expectations are a set routine, and after several weeks, he finally can begin without verbal prompts.

Other mornings, I ask him to complete a small number of chores while I am gone. His look tells me much, “I don’t know if I will or not.”  I usually return home to find merely one or two completed.

To be fair, I didn’t always direct him with such detail. He got up independently and went to work. He learned to work with me on financial responsibilities, and he provided excellent leadership as a parent.

He even took the go-ahead on major decisions, a few which actually worked out well. For those occasions, I took short running steps to catch up with him before falling into pace.

Last week, as three-digit temperatures continued to scorch the Plains, our air-conditioner struggled and spat to cool. We weren’t certain what to do with the ten-year-old unit that we bought at discount.  Husband sweated and turned pale each time we discussed what should be done.

He dreaded making a decision about it. He didn’t want to make a decision. I continued to inquire as to what we would do.

One evening a phone call brought us an answer. A heating and cooling business marketing group volunteered to check out the unit.

Husband said, “I have been praying about this.” Again I mentally ran to put my steps in pace with his.

When I got home from work, the A/C guy and husband were discussing a new unit. The compressor was gone on the old one.

“Sit down, so we can talk,” Husband instructed me. “I’ve made a decision. I’ve seen that the compressor really is shot, so I am talking to him about a new unit. This is what I think.”

We talked, and I asked questions. I was relieved that I did not have to carry the responsibility on this. I was proud of the thought Husband put into the decision.

So as he stepped out in front with his long, powerful steps, I ran to catch with him and match my stride with his.