I Should Have Told Them Off

Thinking of how poor self esteem and other uninvited enemies hurt my youngest child in the past, I want to jump up and down and scream. I might even shake my fists.

Poor self esteem is a huge issue for many children with ADHD, especially girls. For one thing, we tend to overlook ADHD symptoms in girls. They don’t cause enough trouble. For another, girls with ADHD often do not realize why they don’t perform or behave like their peers. They express being confused.

Recently I discussed this issue with my own daughter, Anna, who is a woman with ADHD.  Now that she is grown and successful in many areas, she gives me many wise perspectives on what it is like to be ADHD, female, and to live with a low self esteem.

Watch here as Dr. Atha, Brett, and Sierra continue their discussion on ADHD. In this segment, they discuss the effect ADHD can have on a person's self-esteem.

I’ll let her tell her it: “I constantly felt like I was being teased. I mean most people can tell themselves they are awesome in some fashion. I couldn’t.

“It was always ‘You don’t do this right, Anna. You don’t do that.’”

She gave me an example from her 6^th grade year in middle school: “I was wearing my sweatshirt inside out. That was the style that year. I overheard Andrea, who I thought was my friend, telling another girl that she didn’t like what was on her own shirt, and the other girl suggested she turn it inside out.  Andrea replied that she thought it looked dumb to turn it inside out. ‘Anna has her’s inside out,’ said the girl. Andrea said, ‘Anna is a huge dork.’ Of course it added to my hurt feeling and poor self-image.

“I didn’t know that in a few years she was going to be popular because she screwed every guy who asked.”

Anna paused before she said: “I should have told her off right then, but it is difficult for a person to do that because of being so sensitive.”

I knew she was saying that the girl with ADHD will not likely hold up for herself due to her low self esteem and lack of confidence.

“Maybe I was super sensitive. Or do other kids target ADHD classmates more?”

I reminded Anna that she was always an intelligent student who did well with her grades. I know she worked at keeping her focus to the point she totally wiped out emotionally by the end of the day.

“That’s just it. I was not hard to be around. Sure I made silly comments in class, but I wasn’t sent to the principal. Up to my freshman year I was shorter, and when I did gain height, I didn’t want to be taller because I lacked the self-esteem for it.”

As her mother, I recall how often I intervened for Anna, and when I think of those times, I still want to punish others in her defense.  I can only hope some of those so-called school classmates have matured a bit now they are 30 years old. I hope teachers and a principal grew wiser, too.

In high school, Anna’s intellect caused teachers to respond well to her. They asked me what I did to raise her to be such a quality person. She had good relationships with them to the point she called them only by their last names (Hi, Copeland), and they seemed to genuinely like her.

But high school teachers could do little to improve her social acceptance. The pattern had been established long before in the kindergarten class. I monitored the class setting many times because Mrs. McCarty did not like little girls who wiggled and squirmed.

Anna tells me: “Persons without ADHD have the wrong perception of people like me. And people like me experience loads of actual teasing, and because they are sensitive, they are genuinely hurt. In high school I jumped from groups of friends, never having a steady group I called my own.”

I wonder if this is true for many persons with ADHD. I hear it often from young adults and even older adults with ADHD. They often feel friendless. Totally friendless.

“Comments came from a certain set of other students.  I should have told them to f-off. I had the language; I just didn’t have the confidence.

“I didn’t recognize that other high school kids were insecure. I didn’t know they didn’t matter.”

Likely many of us didn’t realize that other high school students didn’t matter, but our emotional intelligence helped us realize that we would eventually move forward without for their acceptance.

I suggest that girls and women with ADHD have a difficult time moving on, and the pains associated with low self esteem continue to eat away at personal confidence

Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

An Interview for the Holidays

An opportunity to work with KWCH TV station affords opportunities for our monthly interview on and sponsorship of The Brett and Sierra Show, a community program for persons throughout the Wichita viewing area.

Our latest show on December 3, 2013 allowed us to talk generally about the holiday season and ADHD. Read this brief summary of that conversation, then use the link at the bottom of this page, and watch the interview for yourself.

Brett: Things during the holidays can become hectic for all people. For families that include persons with ADHD, it can be additional struggles. How do the holidays often affect family members with ADHD?

Dr. Atha:  Since it is often the mother who does the planning and the details of preparation, a mother with ADHD is often overwhelmed and undulated by the responsibilities. If there is a father with ADHD, he may become stressed and angry because of the extra money spent during the season. Of course children with ADHD are usually excited about Christmas or the holidays. A child with ADHD may exhibit acting out behaviors.

Sierra: What might we do to soften those worries?

Dr. Atha: If you invite a person to your home for a holiday party, or if the person is a family member, the individual will need options for different activities during the gathering. For instance have several venues such as a set of board games, a food table, a conversation pit, so the individual has reasons to move around without becoming stabilized. It is also a good idea to be aware of the different personalities you have invited to the party.

Sierra: What can do to help our friends with ADHD complete tasks during the holidays?

Dr. Atha: I like to tell people to KISS it – that is Keep it Simple and Simple. Don’t overdue. Don’t over-commit. Not every tradition has your name on it. A close friend or family member can be the gentle accountability person. Give daily reminders. It is so sweet to have a friend ask “What can I do to help?”

Brett: Dr. Atha, you personally know about how ADHD can affect families since your family includes persons with ADHD. What suggestions do you have for families? What does your agency do to help families with ADHD?

Dr. Atha: We ask a lot of questions: “What are your concerns? What has worked for you? What has not worked for you?” We find that families and individuals know more about the solutions to their concerns than they initially think. We don’t tell people what to do; we work with them to discover the answers deep inside themselves.

Did this interview pique your curiosity? Hear more about our conversation by using the link below.

Our next interview will be Tuesday, January 7, 2014. Watch for us at 4:30 PM on Channel 5.

http://www.kwch.com/brett-and-sierra-show/support-those-with-adhd-during-busy-holiday-season/-/22489676/23275288/-/v46wy/-/index.html

 

 

5 Reasons Why you NEED to be Involved at Your ADHD Child's School...

Yesterday during dinner, Husband lamented on how much he misses his mother.

“She’s been dead 38 years, 11 months, and 27 days, and I think about her almost every day.”

“Evidently. That’s rather exact counting.”

“Yes,” he proceeded without catching the hint of sarcasm.”She was so involved in our lives when we were kids. You know that she volunteered at our elementary schools. Teachers and other kids loved her.”

“I am quite aware of her involvement in your lives and how much fun she generated. What brought that up? Why are we talking about this?”

“It was something you said about being right-brained and needing support.”

He was right. I do tend to talk a great deal about ADHD and how it affects the people who live with attention deficit. My Mother-in-law didn’t realize she modeled great strategies for mothering children with ADHD.

I suspect that she also was a person living with ADHD, and she merely used her skills as an outlet for her own creativity. I want to be clear about this: I deeply loved her; she was a super person to know. She made us laugh, and she loved us.

Husband was correct. The child with ADHD, often called the right-brained child, needs much support at school, and whenever it is possible, the parent who can volunteer at his or her child’s school creates positive connections. 

Here are five top reasons why parents of ADHD students profit from being involved at their kids’ schools:

1. Parents model ways of caring for others.

2. Parents and teachers get to know each other.

3. Parents make friends with other parents.

4. Parents are available when their children need support.

5. Your child will be glad to see you there.

“Mom was always friendly with other parents and other kids. She was just a friendly and kind face to everyone in the building.”

“I am curious. What did this do for you as a kid?”

“It was always good to see Mom. She was a part of everything in my life.”

“I think her presence provided the structure your ADHD self needed.”

“Oh, yes. I would have to answer to Mom if I got into trouble in school or failed to get my work done. I never thought of this before, that is, I never thought that with her in the building, it was better for me.”