Who’s In Control Here?

It boils down to this: Roxie wants to be in charge. In any work situation she takes over: discussions, decisions, and directions. Do you know the type? It can be offensive, right?

Many of us know a person like her. We know the pushiness and the indignation associated with over-ambitious behaviors. They are powerful, and at times, a bit unrestrained.

To a certain degree, the unmanaged ADHD brain is a Roxie. It wants to have control and have its own way. It takes over the schedule you planned. It takes over your words and reactions with spur-of-the-moment and inappropriate comments that get you into trouble. It leads you to forget appointments, forget to pay bills, or forget to keep promises.

If you have ADHD, you know what I’m talking about.

As a person with ADHD you have to be on your best game to manage the free-spirited brain. Common endeavors can help increase the chemicals that help you control your brain. With lower levels of important neurotransmitters, the ADHD brain benefits from everyday activity that can help stimulate those neurotransmitters.

Among the activities you do each day such as sleeping well, eating well, and getting enough light, exercise is highly significant. Some may think of it as a vulgar word, but daily exercise proves to be a powerful tool for mental control and staying power.   It doesn’t need to be formal workouts at the gym, although these can do wonders for focus and clarity. It can be walking during lunch, doing simple arm exercises during a one-minute break at your desk, dancing when no one is watching, or moving through air to take a break from a current task.

Whichever way you exercise, it’s essential that you choose something you will do consistently. Instead of being controlled by your brain, you will find that you are the one who is in control.

For more information, watch Dr. Atha discuss this topic with Brett & Sierra here or check out our website today!

In Honor of the ADHD Man on Father’s Day

This week offered another delightful opportunity for an interview on the Brett and Sierra Show, and we used it to talk about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

As Brett began the discussion, he asked, “How can the man with ADHD get those pesky irritating chores done without distraction or procrastination?”

First of all, the partner or spouse should avoid nagging him. Nagging does not help. Procrastination is problematic, and it is often an issue of time management.  Time management belongs to the area of organization, and mental disorganization is often common among men with ADHD. How we organize is personal, from our own inward way of looking at the issue.

Click to watch Dr. Atha talking with Brett and Sierra about men with ADHD!

The man with ADHD procrastinates because the task or chore does not warrant how he wants to spend his time.  When the motivation is strong enough, he will spend his time on it. I should go ahead and say that many men with ADHD do not procrastinate, especially at their jobs, because their own self image is tied to their careers.

Sierra then asked: “Why can it take longer for the man with ADHD to get into a project, not to mention  getting it even half-way completed?"  As an answer, I suggest that many men with ADHD have it all figured out in their minds how they want the finished project to look or how it should come together.  They have pictured it as a perfectly completed project. As they work on it and find they are not doing it perfectly, they become frustrated.

We can also place the blame on the twins Distractibility and Executive Function Challenges. I recommend that tasks and chores be broken into doable, bite-size portions where they will not seem overwhelming. The chore has to be done in stages anyway, so use that to advantage.  When the man finishes a small task or even one that is larger, he can be spurred onward by the feeling of success.

When interruptions  distract the ADHD man from a task, he can hold on to a physical artifact to remind him of what he was doing.  It will focus his attention more quickly, and help him return to the task. For example, a hammer in hand may remind him that he was working on a broken gate before he got interrupted.

The man with ADHD himself may also ask: “How can the person with ADHD deal with boring tasks or chores?”  It is important to see the significance in the chore such as cleaning the garage or changing oil in the car.  One man links a seemingly insignificant chore with time to listen to his favorite music. His busy work schedule allows little time for his music, but by choosing a couple of chores each week, he schedules a date with his music and headphones, and meets two goals in one setting. The beauty of music is good for the brain, helps lower blood pressure, and provides a super background companion.

Another man might ask: “What make good incentives to begin and complete a task?” The answer to that will be most personal. The tiniest thing can be a huge incentive to complete a sizeable task. “I’ll treat myself to a favorite snack when I get this done, “ one man might say. Another’s wife offered tickets to a baseball game when he completed a much-needed house repair. Of course an incentive can be huge if the task is highly important. One person promised himself a new motor home if he got his tax information to the account before the deadline.  Needless to say, he had been wanting a motor home for several months, so it worked well for him to link it to getting his taxes done. 


For more about men with ADHD or to view this interview, follow the link above or visit our website, coachadhd.com.

5 Reasons Why you NEED to be Involved at Your ADHD Child's School...

Yesterday during dinner, Husband lamented on how much he misses his mother.

“She’s been dead 38 years, 11 months, and 27 days, and I think about her almost every day.”

“Evidently. That’s rather exact counting.”

“Yes,” he proceeded without catching the hint of sarcasm.”She was so involved in our lives when we were kids. You know that she volunteered at our elementary schools. Teachers and other kids loved her.”

“I am quite aware of her involvement in your lives and how much fun she generated. What brought that up? Why are we talking about this?”

“It was something you said about being right-brained and needing support.”

He was right. I do tend to talk a great deal about ADHD and how it affects the people who live with attention deficit. My Mother-in-law didn’t realize she modeled great strategies for mothering children with ADHD.

I suspect that she also was a person living with ADHD, and she merely used her skills as an outlet for her own creativity. I want to be clear about this: I deeply loved her; she was a super person to know. She made us laugh, and she loved us.

Husband was correct. The child with ADHD, often called the right-brained child, needs much support at school, and whenever it is possible, the parent who can volunteer at his or her child’s school creates positive connections. 

Here are five top reasons why parents of ADHD students profit from being involved at their kids’ schools:

1. Parents model ways of caring for others.

2. Parents and teachers get to know each other.

3. Parents make friends with other parents.

4. Parents are available when their children need support.

5. Your child will be glad to see you there.

“Mom was always friendly with other parents and other kids. She was just a friendly and kind face to everyone in the building.”

“I am curious. What did this do for you as a kid?”

“It was always good to see Mom. She was a part of everything in my life.”

“I think her presence provided the structure your ADHD self needed.”

“Oh, yes. I would have to answer to Mom if I got into trouble in school or failed to get my work done. I never thought of this before, that is, I never thought that with her in the building, it was better for me.”

Let’s Get Serious About Skunk Control and Other Chores

One of my thoughtful adult children talked to me about the blogs I share with you.

“Mom, who writes your blogs? At times I don’t believe they are totally accurate.”

“I write my blogs, and they ARE based on real conversations and events.”

I paraphrase the intent of the next response, “I think you should make them more real.”

Real? How real do you readers want me to be? Just the other day, I told my college-days friend that I would never write certain things about how ADHD affects my marriage or my husband’s life, and I meant it. For one reason, people choose to gossip. Yes, I realize that may surprise my readers, but it is true. For another, family should always honor confidential information.

But back to my offspring’s recommendation, I gave it serious consideration, and in speaking with another of my adult children, came to a conclusion.

From now on, I WILL sporadically share some of the harsher realities of my life as the spouse of a person with ADHD, and I am going to begin with depression.

Persons with ADHD often deal with various degrees of depression, if that is the correct way to express it. It affects emotions and physical actions, and I think it is one of the cruelest of illnesses.  I habitually read and study about depression. I think of it as intelligence gathering just as if I were engaged in a war.

Depression is an enemy in our household. Husband has lived with depression since I’ve known him.

His psychiatrist once asked him how long he had been depressed. “Since about age five,” he answered without really having to stop and think.

Depression hurts, hinders, and interferes with quality of life. It gets in the way of the details of life. For example, take the skunks that have been quite prolific in our backyard this year. Husband looked at me with a flat affect when I asked him to help rid the yard of these uninvited nocturnal pests.

“You expect ME to know what to do?” he asked.

“I hope you will take the advice to simply soak rags in ammonia and then place them all around the yard’s perimeters.”  I said as I placed the rages and ammonia within easy reach.

The materials sat on the table for more than one week before I spoke with him again.  He eventually and reluctantly took action.

Even though I realize it overwhelms him to complete a simple chore, do I get frustrated? You bet. Do I become irritated?  Affirmative.  Not only does his depression bog him down, it sets heavily on my own mind and shoulders.

I will write about depression again soon, but if you want to talk with me about it before then, contact me at McNay &Voth ADHD Services, www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557. We’ll talk.

The Marble Slab

I understand July 2 was National I Forgot Day. Goodness! Is it so prevalent that we’ve made a holiday for it? 

Possibly it was begun by an individual with ADHD, or even the spouse of that individual.

If so I can relate. Spouses often become frustrated with the “I forgot” syndrome. It seems as if the mysterious “I forgot” can show up frequently in our lives and disrupt a myriad of good intentions. Good old “I forgot” is somehow kinfolk to “Ineffective” and “Unreliable.”

Of course, I did not have this depth of wisdom when Husband and I were ready to shop for our first apartment.  That was before I knew persons with ADHD will often avoid doing things that require much effort or consistency because they are afraid of failure.  I didn’t know about memory issues and problems.

As I recall it was about four weeks before our wedding day. Four weeks!

“Honey, don’t you think we should start looking for an apartment?”, I lovingly cooed at him.

“What’s the hurry? We still have a month.” He was serious.

“Let’s make appointments with some people to go look,” I suggested.

He unenthusiastically agreed to it, and we made plans for him to pick me up on a Tuesday at 10:30 am, so we could begin.

The time came and went. At 11:30 I phoned his house, where his Mother answered. “He’s just now getting out of bed. Did he have an appointment with you?”

“We have a couple of appointments to look at apartments. He was suppose to be here an hour ago.”  I’m certain she heard the frustration creep into my voice.

“He’ll be there soon,” she promised.

I don’t know what his Mother said to him, but thirty minutes later he pulled into the driveway.

“Here I am,” he said a bit too eagerly.

I still hear myself mumbling under my breath.

It did not occur to me that he had little or no control over his forgetfulness. I do remember when we did find an apartment, we were unable to take possession until four days after the wedding because we waited so late to secure one.

We stayed ay my brother’s apartment two of those days.

My new Mother-in-law asked, “How is it working for you, staying at your brother’s apartment?” I think this was her way of approaching the topic.

 “It’s OK. It was nice of him to move over to Mom and Dad’s house for a couple of days. Of course, he is closer to her cooking and the comforts over there.”

“You don’t appear to be happy about this,” Mother-in-law was rather astute. “How many other things did my son fail to do before the wedding?”

The words rolled out of me. I didn’t mean to begin complaining, but I think it was how I sounded.

“The thing is, I don’t think he meant to disappoint me, but he is always making excuses for not getting things done.”

Today I laugh at that comment because not a whole lot has changed in that department.

“I tell you; you can’t always wait for him to get the ball rolling. You can’t make innuendos with him. It has to be direct and let him know you are serious.”

I followed every word, and she watched my face  to make certain I did.

“This is how to do it,” she continued. “Get yourself a large piece of marble about this size.” She gestured a piece about 12 inches long and four inches thick.

I thought she was serious.

“Chisel what you want him to know or remember across the top it,” she said as she mimed it.

Then pick it up like this, and WHAM! Smack him between the eyes with it!”

We both hollered with laughter. In the days before I ever dreamed about such prescriptions as Mindfulness Meditation or concepts such as  neuroplasticity, Mother-in-law shared her own approach to his forgetfulness.

In other words, she told me to make certain I clearly let him know my expectations. “Don’t put him in a position to disappoint you.”   

I  loved her for sharing this wisdom.

The Marriage Proposal

In honor of our wedding anniversary which will take place the end of this month, July 27, I am going to repost earlier blog. I love telling this story.

I expect many women remember details of the day or night when their love proposed marriage, and I am no exception.

 It was a lovely Sunday afternoon at the end of May. I wore an attractive and stylish spring-like red dress because my tall, handsome boyfriend was taking me to the graduation ceremonies at my Alma Mater, Friends University. I admit I looked really nice.

When he got there, he seemed a bit nervous to me, but by then I was accustomed to him being either moody or nervous. I probably thought something “set it off” on his way to our house. 

He sat with me on the sofa in the living room as we talked with my Mom and Dad and exchanged pleasantries about the weather and the upcoming graduation ceremony.

Suddenly without any seeming connection to our conversation, he pulled a box from his pocket and presented me with a lovely bracelet with Snoopy dangling on it.

“Oh,how cute!”  I said as I began to put it on my wrist.

He got down on his knee. “Look on the chain,” he said. “See this? It’s an engagement ring. Will you marry me, my dear?”  

He began taking the ring off the chain to slip it on my finger.

Oh, yes, he really asked in front of my parents.

Time stood still. I wanted to crawl underneath the sofa.

I sat there with that Dagwood-Bumstead smile crinkled across my face before I answered yes.

I loved my parents, and as their only daughter I knew I was special to them, but for some reason, I never dreamed of receiving a proposal of marriage in front of them. It threw the entire sense of romance out the window.

My Dad turned red as Mom cried.

My husband-to-be rushed on. “This is the ring my Dad gave to Mom when they got engaged in 1945. I asked her if she had one I could give you tonight.”

He actually told me all about it.  My love had it in mind to propose, and he thought the night of graduation would be excellent.

Actually, I think he finally got up the nerve. 

There was only one problem. Typically, he had not gotten around to buying a ring or special piece of jewelry, so he talked with his parents.

 “I want to ask Atha to marry me tonight, but I don’t have a ring. What have you got around here?”

So much for planning ahead, right?

Later, his mother said she offered him her old engagement ring because she didn’t want him to change his mind, and she loved the idea of me wearing it.

My husband was so pleased and so excited, or possibly so relieved to get that part over with that he leaned back on the sofa and sighed loudly.

 He had focused his mind on proposing to me, and he could not wait for another time. It was then or nothing.

I am glad it was then, and I know he thinks what was the big deal? After all I said yes, and here we are all these years later.

Now I understand that individuals with ADHD may become so anxious about a task or plan that they put off completing the details, which merely adds to the anxiety. They often do not plan ahead. They may experience chronic procrastination more frequently than typical individuals. They put off important tasks or the ones that take more thought and energy. In this case, it was the task that was going to cost him more money.

The pattern for our marriage was set.

In our story, Husband could not wait until we were alone at dinner. He was driven to act at that moment. He could not consider the inappropriateness of proposing marriage in front of Mom or Dad. It seemed romantic enough for him. So what if it wasn’t my own ring? (His parents did give us that ring with their blessing.)  He figured we would get around to buying me a new ring in the future.

That is an entire other story.