Brutally Honest

During a recent morning at breakfast I rambled on and on about events at my job and other comments with which I hoped Husband would help me.

I noticed he merely continued to chew.

“Do you have any observations that might help me?”

“No.” He chewed some more.

I kept on with my chatter because I dislike eating meals in silence. Time once was that we talked a lot through meals.

Of course, in my candor, I must admit we talked mostly about him and his work stresses or his disappointment in his father.

Finally I asked, “Do you want me to talk about my work? Are you interested in listening?”

He said, “Can I be brutally honest?”

“Not if you are going to say ‘frankly I don’t give a damn’.”

“Well, I was going to say that, so I will say that I am not interested in what you do or the interactions you have at work.”

“OK, then. That’s all she wrote,” I said in a kind voice and with a sweet smile.

I quietly pulled the small imaginary dart from my heart where it often pierces somewhere behind the breast bone.

His face had a flat affect as usual. After all with ADHD, it is altogether about the person and not about the relationships – unless those relationships constantly support and uplift the ADHD person.

“You choose a topic, and we can talk about it,” I suggested.

“Did you tell me what the schedule is for today?”  Husband asked.

“It has to do with meetings I have for work. I don’t think you want to hear it.”

“I do want to drive around town with you, so tell me where we are going.”

So I gave him a brief time table.

We chatted about the number of people in our age range who use canes, and agreed we are blessed not to need that type of assistance, yet.

“Where do you want to go to church this Sunday?” I asked as I repeated the two choices he mentioned earlier in the week.

“We also have the choice not to go anywhere, so ask me Saturday. We will be busy moving you to your new office space this week. We may be too tired.”

“That’s fair,” I told him, hoping for a day of relaxation at home.

“Today is Free Pie Day. Are we going to take ours home?” he asked.

I nodded in agreement. After all, if it is free, we take it, right?

“Where are we going next?” Husband asked even though I had told him our schedule less than 10 minutes earlier.

I didn’t remind him of that because he is most concerned about problems he currently has with his memory.

As to my memory, which also fails at times, I distinctly remember that one reason I married him was for the frequency and depth of conversations we enjoyed. Before the way ADHD wore him down, before the days of medications, and during the years when impulsivity ruled his behaviors, we talked a lot.

In my brutal honesty, I admit I miss those days and miss the talk, even if it was mostly about him. It’s as if I am missing a significant part of him.

Does anyone else out there experience something similar with their person with ADHD?

 

 

Depression Isn’t Straight Forward and Other Quotes

Sometimes I flutter like a humming bird or hovercraft when I see Husband retreat to a dark room or space where he can be all alone,

My usual and sterile question is always: “How do you feel today?”

And he will respond: “I don’t feel well.”

Of course, because I am really quite limited in responses, I continue with: “Are you hurting somewhere? Is it your body or your spirit?”

“It is in my spirit,” he tells me.

Will Rogers once said: “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”  However, it seems I miss many good changes. I keep on asking invasive questions.

“What do you want me to do for you?”

Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784, is one of the most quoted English writers after William Shakespeare. Personally, I find Johnson easier to understand. In his wise way, he wrote: “People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.”

And I suggest this is true when it comes to depression. People who are depressed need to be reminded that they are valuable.

So how can I remind Husband he is the most valuable of all people to me?  A hamburger from his favorite fast-food restaurant? Sitting with him through the umpteenth baseball game on TV? Sharing chatter I learned from our friends? At times, I am not certain. To quote Will Rogers again, I must remember that “when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”

Someone sent me this quote from Stephen Fry: “If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It is hard to be a friend to someone who is depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

Like other persons who have depressed family members, I really do want to be a friend to Husband.

And as I mentioned before, I think humor is one way to demonstrate friendship. Mark Twain believed humor is humankind’s greatest blessing, and he said: “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

One of my daughters cautions me not to always sound like an expert, even though I am one. So let me make this suggestion without sounding like a know-it-all. Have you laughed today? Remember that laughter relieves physical tension and stress. It boosts the immune system, decreases stress hormones, and improves your resistance to disease. Laughter releases endorphins, and promotes an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. As an added bonus, it protects the heart as it improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you.

“What do you think about laughter and humor?” I recently asked Husband.

He literally rolled his eyes upward: “It is necessary to raise your sense of well-being.”

“We haven’t laughed much lately,” I commented.

He smiled and laughed at that comment.

But we have spent many hours sitting together in silence or in brief conversations. I have held his hand, or brought him a glass of ice water. I know those are little things; I am trying to be his friend.

This weekend, we watched a show on life in Hawaii where we discovered that the Monk Seal is the only one native to Hawaii. Husband immediate response: “Does that mean they are Catholic or Buddhist?”  We laughed at a tiny piece of silliness, but at least we laughed.

 

 

Five Easy Pieces

Being in one of my frequent reflective moods, I asked Husband: “Do you remember the movie ‘Five Easy Pieces’ ?”

“Yeah. It was the movie that got Jack Nicholson noticed. What about it?”

“I really don’t remember much except the title, but that  really fits well into my way of thinking. I search for short and easy approaches to much of what I do.”

“It was a typical movie of the early 1970’s. It’s OK not to remember much about it.”

“My point is that the title serves me well as a type of idiomatic expression.”

“Nicholson played a gifted pianist who rebelled against his talent and affluent lifestyle. Standard kind of stuff for that era.”

“OK, but my point is the value of learning how to put life into easy steps and make it simple.”

“How do you do that?” Husband asked as if it were a ground-breaking concept.

“Do what?”

“Think about simplifying and organizing and making life easier? How do you think like that all the time?”

“One of us needs to. Besides, I always looking for ways that assist you and others with ADHD to live up to your potential.”

He put me on the spot for a moment when he said, “So tell me five easy steps you discovered to help me.”

 “One: You need an encourager. Two: You need external prompts or motivation. Three: Since you lose basic such as keys and your wallet, you need daily organization. Four: You need to unclutter on a regular basis. Five: You respond well to rewards such as praise.”

“It never ceases to amaze me that people can gather their thoughts in such a concise manner.”

“It never ceases to amaze me that you cannot or will not think with such logic, but that is a topic for another blog.”

The person with ADHD often feels frustrated or clueless about how to approach the daily tasks of life, especially at home, work, or school. Based on our personal experiences, I recommend five easy steps to success:

1.    Connect with an encourager such as a spouse or close friend who can provide support when you are confused or have questions. In addition, seek help from an ADHD coach.

2.   Choose an extrinsic reward system along the lines of your paycheck, a passing grade in a class, an item for gifting yourself when you complete a task. Make it a goal to earn this reward on time, and develop a reminder system that works for you.

3.   If you are a student, create your own study space where you keep the tools and resources you need. Make certain it can be as quiet and private as possible. Make certain you study only in that space. If you go back and forth to your job, allocate a briefcase, book bag, or table space where you place the items you need for the next day, then ask your encourager to help you develop the habit of placing items there before bedtime.

4.   Schedule one day each week for tidying your work space both at home and on the job.

5.   Ask your associates and family at home, work, and school to point out when you have done well completing a task or project. Write notes to yourself on how proud you feel when you accomplish even a small task.

Are you currently seeking an ADHD coach with experience and expertise? We invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com or phone 316-771-7558.