Love and Respect

Last week, a woman I had just met asked an attention-grabbing comment about marriage. “Have you noticed that many women spend a great deal of effort loving their husbands who in turn show respectful consideration to their wives?”

I had to admit I had not thought of it in that manner, but as she further explained, I could see where she came from on her comments.

“Women do all types of things to show their devotion and affection for their husbands. They serve their men with love by doing for them. A wife may cook his favorite meal, make certain his clothes are ready for work or social occasions, plan activities with his family. She does this because she wants him to know she loves him above all else.”

“Are you saying you think such loving behavior is inappropriate or even unbiblical ?”

“No, but I am saying that when it comes to biblical direction, our culture may have it backwards.” She replied.

She and I had been talking about the biblical passage Ephesians 5:33: But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.

“Think about what this is telling us. We know each wife has a deep need to feel loved, and she needs for her husband to demonstrate that love in ways that are meaningful to her,” she continued.

I like the translation that say a man should love his wife as much as he does his own body,” I laughed. “It seldom seems to happen that way. I believe my husband loves me, but he loves himself more than he does me. I thought it was part of the ADHD thing.”

“It could be, but does he think he shows love to you?”

With thoughtful contemplation, I admitted, “He thinks it is enough to say he loves me and to do little things for me that he likes to do.”

Then she asked, “Do you respect your husband?”

“I make it a point to show respect even when it is difficult to feel it deep inside. I know he needs it. It’s important I consult him on most issues dealing with the family and management of our home. I ask his opinion and do my best to follow through with his desires. Sometimes is it a willful decision to do this because he has not always been that considerate of me. He also likes for me to praise him and brag on his talents.” After a brief pause I continued: “I also keep step with him when we walk together. It may sound funny, but I purposefully match my steps to his.”

I mindfully remembered past his past decisions that centered-around what he wanted and what he thought was best for him. He was not considerate of me, and he knew it. For that reason, he would hide those decisions from me.

“I can see where this information would benefit the couples where one is a person with ADHD. The man with ADHD should set goals for learning how to make his wife feel loved. The woman with ADHD should set goals to respect as well as love for her husband,” I remarked while my mind chased after ways I wish Husband had showed love for me in our early years together.

“I can’t go there,” I thought. “The significance of this conversation lies in how well I can go forward with the future.”

Instead I said, “For me, the term respect means holding Husband in high regard and valuing his presence and comments. He comes first before any other person I know, even our grown children.”

My new acquaintance continued, “I want to recommend a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.  Dr. Eggerichs talks about how to make a good marriage even better. “

She said it is a book that helps couples communicate better. However, today at lunch, I asked Husband what the word respect means to him.

“If you lose it, it is something that is difficult to get back.”

“But do you think I respect you?”

“Sure,” he said. “You tell me you love me and ask me to go places with you.”

Hmmm, I think we need to work on communication.