Transferable Skills

For nearly two weeks, Husband stomped throughout the house complaining and even yelling because he had not heard from a potential employer.

“It’s been 10 days, and they said they would phone by now. I know the doctor didn’t find drugs in my system other than the meds I showed him. It’s my previous employer. They must have said something bad about me.”

Of course he said other words that I choose not to print here.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked in my calmest incredulous voice. “They can only verify that you once worked for them.”

Husband doesn’t even get speeding tickets, so he has no criminal record. I was potentially at-risk for one, though, as I thought about turning him over my knee to spank him.

“Give them time. The HR person may not be as anxious about you having a job as you are.” I said.

The crux of the matter is that with being retired, Husband was most ready to have some sort of part time employment.

As I said in my last blog, waiting to get this job nearly drove both of us to desperation.

Of course, within the symptoms of ADHD, what else is new?

But then the answer came that he wanted to hear.  If he could have kissed the feet of the man who hired him, he would have done so.

With the same mouth that cursed and doubted, he walked around the house praising Jesus for a positive answer to prayer.

Then the anxiety began.

“I have to read and understand this training manual. I need someone to demonstrate these responsibilities for me. What if I mess up?”

“What bothers you specifically? Can I help you as you study the manual?”

“Possibly that would help, but what do I know about this work?”

“You‘re expressing only negative thoughts. You would do well to think more positively thoughts. You are more than intelligent enough to do the work.”

I reminded him of his transferable skills, which are skills we learn in one area that we can use in another. Here are just a few of his transferable skills: results oriented, can meet the public, good computer skills, good hand skills, arrives at work on time, team player, and he can calculate and count money.

“I never thought of me in that way,” he said when I talked these skills and several others.

“I pray you won’t let the lay-off from three years ago cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities. It’s a matter of showing up each day and doing the routine. You can learn it easily. ”

Like many children and teens with ADHD, Husband often heard negative statements and questions that caused him to develop negative self-talk patterns: Why did (didn’t) you do that? Get your head out. Try harder. You are lazy (silly, stupid, a smart-aleck). The comments go on and on. As a person with ADHD who was diagnosed later in life, Husband demonstrates self-doubt and anxiety in many new situations because his self-confidence is quite low. He is convinced others will criticize him for the least little mistake, and he benefits from praise and encouragement more than a typical person.

So do most of us.

 

 

 

 

Life After Retirement

I was sitting at the kitchen table one morning in October, 2010, when I saw Husband walk up the sidewalk to the front door.

As he opened it, he saw the question written across my mute face.

“I got laid-off this morning. I am officially still employed until December, but I have too much proprietary information in my head. They walked me out to my van, and I cannot go back for my personal belongings until they call me.”

We had been expecting this type of news off and on for many years. After all, Husband worked for the aircraft industry, and over the years, many people have been laid off from aircraft.

This time, it was 700 workers who lost their jobs. Many had decades of experience as did Husband.

“I guess 36 years of loyalty didn’t mean much to them,” he complained.

“Let’s go out for breakfast,”  I suggested because I wanted to take advantage of the fact we could.

Throughout the meal and the ensuing long drive in country surrounding Wichita, he tried to put on a brave face.

It didn’t work well. “I am embarrassed that they walked me out.”

“Were you the only one?”

“No, several long-term employees, men and women, got walked to their vehicles.”

“Hmm, sounds like a compliment that all of you knew a lot about the business. It wasn’t directed only at you.”

Still it deeply hurt his feelings in a way not related to ADHD. Of course, ADHD didn’t help when it came to his recognizing that lay-offs are distributed without consideration of the individual employee or skills of practice. It was difficult for him to filter out the fact that the lay-off was not directed at him personally.

“I would like for you to help me in my office. I can’t pay a salary right now, but I can take you out to lunch each day, and you can help me grow my business.”  I suggested.

“What would I do? I don’t know your business.”

“You have excellent transferable office skills that would benefit us as we develop.”

He liked the part about going to lunch each day, but he didn’t like having to refocus his skills. He played Free Cell much of the time.

He officially retired and applied for Social Security. He felt a bit better that he still received income. I have to give him credit; he continued to look for employment that would not interfere with Social Security benefits. In the mean time, we spent much time together in a routine and structure created by my work and teaching activities. He had structure, exposure to light, and when he would walk with me, he exercised.

“I know what I’ll do, “ Husband told me a few weeks after the lay-off. “I’ll go back to school and earn certification in another field.”  He enrolled in online classes to begin his studies. I was proud of him for making a proactive decision.

It worked as long as my office remained at home where I could help establish structure and help him focus on his tasks. However, when I rented office space away from home where I could meet clients, his enthusiasm for online learning quickly dissipated.

He told his doctor he wanted nothing more to do with school. Maybe he would work in the kitchen at a local hospital. I attempted to discourage that choice. I know that his ADHD, impulsive comments, and quick temper would not be a good match for that type of environment.

His doctor suggested freelance writing. I groaned inwardly because I knew who would be writing the articles, and it wouldn’t be him.

In a way typically of persons with ADHD, he exploded with loud outbursts of temper and anger caused by his frustration. He applied for a job with the turnpike authority, and they called him back for an interview. They didn’t move quickly enough, though. Waiting to hear from them as to when he started the job nearly drove him to distraction and me to finding a different place to live. Finally, the storm calmed down when he began training for the new position.

As my dear friend remarked, “It’s a shot in the arm for him.”

Of course, when he lost his job, he lost part of his personal identity as do a majority of workers when they lose their jobs. It is a painful experience, but we are moving past it. Has it taken a long time, and does ADHD complicate the healing? Of course. The part we can walk away with stems from the fact that healing can happen, and life can continue after retirement or job loss.

 

 

 

High School and ADHD

I am certain one of my close friends from high school days will read this blog. She continually supports our efforts and outreach to persons with ADHD. As a mother, she knows the challenges of raising a child with ADHD.

As a former teen, she also knows the challenges associated with the teen years. We’ve talked about those challenges that still haunt us after 40-plus years.

She will remember our vocal music teacher whom, in spite of her strictness and spinster ways, we loved to please.  She will also remember the red chiffon dresses with gathered skirts we wore for Southern Belles or the blue pleated dresses we wore for our madrigal ensemble. Both outfits looked really good on her tall, slim figure, but at the time, they were slightly out-of style; they made us self-conscious to wear them.

Whew! At times I still have nightmares that I am in high school classes where I am telling former teachers “But I have earned a Ph.D. I don’t need to be taking this test.”

Ridiculous, huh?  Maybe so, but thoughts of high school still disturbs adults, especially those with ADHD whether they graduated as recently as two or three years ago or as long as 40 years ago.

Hubby audibly groans when we talk about our high school experiences. Many of his memories are not pleasant as they involve his reactions and behaviors in high school situations.

He’s often told me about his favorite black cardigan sweater. He looked nice wearing it, he felt, and it offered a way for him to hide things about his body that he didn’t like. But wearing it every day from September through May was not so cool. “I overheard another student make a comment about me wearing it every day, and I was embarrassed and hurt. I didn’t realize it was a negative thing to do.”

Even more, he told me about his feelings of certain social isolation. You may think all teens experience a degree of being shelved socially, but it is even more of a problem for the teen with ADHD. Impulsive outbursts, moodiness, constantly failing to follow through, disorganization of time and space, being too loud will all call negative attention to the teen with ADHD, or will cause others not to want to be friends with him or her.

Subtle social information will pass by the teen with ADHD whose mind will be focused in several directions.  Truly teens require countless social skills such as talking, listening, sharing, being empathetic, that do not come naturally to the teen with ADD. 

“The hurtful memories involve knowing other kids were laughing behind my back or talking bad about me,” Hubby once said.

One young adult with ADHD told me, “I wanted to hang with friends younger than I am.” His experience is common for teens with ADHD. Social pressures and the expectations for mature growth overwhelm many teens with ADHD. As well, taking ADHD medications bothers teens. Another young man said, “I hated the meds because I was afraid people would find out about them and think I was a meth-head.”

Likely they would have wanted you to sell them a few of your pills, I said with my characteristic sarcasm. “Of course you would have gotten into legal trouble because you would have been accused of pushing drugs.”

Teens with ADHD miss important social cues or misinterpretation of others’ comments, and by doing have difficulty swimming through the unfamiliar waters of dating and romantic relationships.

Even in college, Hubby didn’t know how to evaluate the growth in our relationship, and it caused him confusion. Instead of stating those feelings directly to me, he said, “I feel like you are backing me up against a wall.”

I got tired of that comment real quickly.

While I gratefully acknowledge the awkward teen years are far behind us, I realize the fears and anxieties of those days will never be far away from us. They have taken a new shape in Hubby’s life as different co-existing mental health issues. I may remember the horror of musical ensemble outfits, but he remembers far greater anxiety and distress.

If you wish to discuss views on being a teen with ADHD, please contact us at McNay & Voth www,coachadhd.com or 316-655-9807, or feel free to make an appointment to visit our office at 240 N. Rock Road, Wichita, KS 27206,

 

Dr Atha McNay

McNay & Voth ADHD Services

 

 

Independence Day

As we celebrate the birth and growth of our nation, I am prone to measure it up to the birth and growth of my own children. Like our nation, they have achieved success through struggles, wise choices, and not-so-wise choices.

I especially think of my youngest daughter, who is a person with ADHD. As did her Dad, she struggled with the challenges of accepting herself and her behaviors from the time she was a small child, and it was quite difficult for her during her teens and early adult years. In fact, it still can be difficult for her now as she continually checks impulsive comments or her filter for temper control.

She required a cheerleader at home, a role I was always willing to fill. Building her self-esteem was essential to her development in spite of the ADHD. I protected her best interests in school and at church and even among family. Her grandmother did the same because she understood my daughter. Grandmother saw many similar patterns between herself and my daughter, and she and I often shared phone calls and laughter about Baby Sis’ latest adventures.

One Thursday morning, Mother phoned to say, “What does Baby Sis do Wednesday evenings? Isn’t she a part of Girls Auxiliary at church?”

Immediately my radar beeped. “Yes, And why are you asking?”

“Do you know she phones me from church each Wednesday at about 7:30? She just wants to talk about her day at school.”

In my mind’s eye, I saw the hall phone at the church and how a ccessible it would be for my daughter.

Mother and I laughed because we knew that by 7:30, my daughter would be fidgety and bored.  A trip to the bathroom and then the phone would alleviate the boredom, but that didn’t excuse the fact I needed to talk to her about it without her knowing that Grandmother told me.

The effort involved boosting her self-confidence while directing her behavior. She needed to hear that I loved and supported her and believed she could do the right thing. She faced enough difficulties and criticism on a daily basis that she did not need to feel Grandmother and I teamed against her. Love on the home front was the solace she craved.

I often set aside special time with my daughter such snack time after school, or an impromptu lunch outing during the school day. While I ate, she talked and talked about whatever was on her mind. It was positive attention, and it worked magic on her self-esteem. Whenever I saw opportunity, I praised her for all types of things many of which revolved around her humor and creativity. Praise builds confidence, but it must be genuine.  Often I identified one of her many strengths and talked with her about it: her ability to draw pictures and write short stories about them, her musical talents, the way she caused me to laugh heartily throughout her life, or her sincere kindness to others.

I also built her confidence with fairly administered discipline. It did not punish, but it taught and allowed her to learn from consequences and to connect the links to appropriate behavior. You likely know the phrase for it; it’s call tough love.

Today she is an independent adult and wife. Like our nation, she experienced the pangs associated with growth, and I am proud of her as well as her two siblings. She recognizes the value of her personal freedom, and she acts accordingly as she strives for continued growth and improvement. Not-so-like our nation, she acknowledges her dependence on God both in the past and for the future.

At McNay & Voth, we desire to help other parents as they raise children with ADHD. We want to help the teen or young adult who struggles with the challenges of ADHD. We yearn to support adults who have late diagnosis of ADHD.

Please contact us at 316-655-9807 or www.coachADHD.com and allow us to rally round you.

 

 

Mean Girls and a Daughter with ADHD

Of course when I sent my youngest child to preschool, I was convinced that her skills and creativity would shine above all the other kids, and everyone would immediately recognize her intellect and unique value.

So I was dumbfounded and astounded when she came home from her first sessions complaining of how other kids, especially the girls, made fun of her.

“Mommy, they say ‘you are weird’ to me. They tell me I have thin hair.”

Oh, indeed? I knew which child that would be. I had a similar conversation with her mother.

“Your little girl is the one with thin hair,” she said smugly in reference to my daughter’s baby-fine hair.

In my not-too-Christian mindset, I replied, “Yes, she has short blonde hair and large violet eyes. And your child? Is she the one with carrot red hair? I think that is the one because she has the same bull-dog jaw line as your husband. That is her father, right?”

She looked as if I had slapped her, which in essence I had done with my words. I intended for them to sting.

But to my child, I merely, said, “Honey, she does not know words as well as you do. It is hard for her to describe what she sees. When she says mean words, just feel sorry for her because she isn’t smart as you are.”

The taunts continued throughout elementary school. My daughter with ADHD often was the last to leave the building each evening as she attempted to grab her books and materials and stuff them in her book bag.

One evening of her third-grade year, her sister and I laughed as she came out the doors with her hand clutching the collar of her coat and her eyes drawn down in a severe frown. It communicated much to us.

“Be quiet before she gets in the van. She will think we’re poking fun at her, which is something she definitely does not need.”

So when my daughter opened the door, I asked, “How was your day, honey?”

“Terrible. Again. Brandy and her friends laughed at me for falling asleep in class. But, Mommy, I was so tired, and my teacher told them to leave me alone.; I needed a brief nap. Mrs. Reid did not make fun of me; why did they laugh?”

“They are probably jealous you can get by with it,” her sister said coming to her defense.

You can believe it when I say I was at Mrs. Reid’s desk before school began the next morning. I asked her about my child falling asleep and about how other kids treated her.

“She sleeps in the afternoon because it takes much energy and concentration for her in the mornings. As to the others, I attempt to stay ahead of their rudeness to her and a couple of the other children.”

In fourth grade, my daughter encountered similar heckling and comments. She often came home complaining of Brandy’s mean words and taunts that made my daughter cry.

One day her older sister, who at 16 could drive, asked to drive her younger sister home from school. It wasn’t until years later that I learned how the scene played out.

Walking into the straggling group in the classroom, my older daughter asked her sister, “Hey, point out that Brandy kid for me, will you?”

My daughters tell me the small group got quiet as others backed away from the infamous Brandy, leaving her standing alone.

“Are you Brandy?  I’ve been wanting to meet you. It seems you have picked on my sister for several years. I’m telling you the next time I hear about it, I’m going to begin at your finger nails, pulling nails and flesh off your body. I’m warning you, and when you go home and tell your mother who sleeps around with any guy who is desperate, or your dad and stepmother who everyone knows do not pay their bills, I will tell them of the abuse you have dumped on my sister. In other words, I welcome you to tell your folks.”

We heard no other complaints that year, and during grade five, my daughter was assigned to a magnet school to balance the busing assignments in our district. At that school, the Principal had stringent rules on any type of verbal harassment, which he considered gang activity.

Sadly, mocking related to my daughter’s ADHD did not end with the elementary grades, but the issues associated with high school will have to wait for another blog.

 

 

Morning Has Broken

Several years ago, Husband rushed in from work with anticipated eagerness. Almost breathless, he asked, “Do you know the song Morning Has Broken?”

“I know one Cat Stevens sang in the early 1970’s. Why, what caused you to think about it?” 

“Do you know who wrote it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, it wasn’t Cat Stevens. It was a woman named Eleanor Farjeaon. She lived in England from 1881 to 1965.”

Then he began to sing:

Morning has broken, like the first morning; Blackbird has spoken,
like the first bird. Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

“So was she the wife or daughter of a pastor?”

“Both of her parents were Jewish by race and religion. She became a Catholic in her older years. On the Internet I learned that in 1931 an English vicar was collecting songs for a new edition of the hymnbook Songs of Praise. He asked her to write a poem to a traditional Gaelic tune. He wanted something about creation, but not necessarily did it have to be totally Christian."

“I recall being challenged to remember the words are not so much about creation as the Garden of Eden. But I see it as a praise song that is really appropriate for beginning the day. I thought it might have been written mostly for children,” I remarked. “When I graduated from college in 1972, one of the high school girls played her guitar and sang it to us at the church graduation breakfast. I attached the song to Cat Stevens. Being a traditionalist, I was shocked that she sang it at a church event. As I said, I’ve come to see it as a praise song although I wouldn’t want to see it in a hymnal. After all it talks about the beauty of the Garden, but it says nothing about the sins of Adam and Eve that got them kicked out of the garden.”

Undoubtedly I use too many words. Husband’s attention was on the mail as he hummed the tune.

But he looked up and said, “I was thinking about the tune this morning, so I looked it up. Part of the information said that the poem was published several years ago in a book of children’s poems. I see myself as a child thinking about the springtime. I think I would have liked this poem when I was a boy.”

Thinking about his love of nature and growing plants, I understood his interest in the poem and the picture words he could form in his mind. Knowing what we now do about his ADHD, we see the connection and explanation. Things of nature gave him a purpose and meaning to life that he often did not find in other activities. When I think of nature and new growth, I link the concept to values and hope. Possibly nature spurs on his sense of hope.

If you or a person with ADHD you know might benefit from a stronger sense of hope, we invite you to contact us at McNay & Voth. ADHD coaching will help you or your person set goals that are based on strengths and to create strategies that will effectively move you or your person along in daily living.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.com or phone 316-655-9807.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay & Voth Gateway Community

 

 

Summer Bliss and Structure

I readily admit I loved the weeks when my children got out of school for the summer vacation.

I liked not having to get them up early when they were tired and resistant to leaving their warm beds.

I liked not having to compel a healthy breakfast that would get them through the morning routines, or packing a nutritional lunch.

I really liked that they did not have homework pressures for me to oversee. Basically I love the amount of freedom their vacation added to my own day.

However, unless you think I used the summer vacation for total selfish leisureliness and relaxation, I must quickly go on to say that I liked the different types of structure the summer months allowed us to enjoy.

Summer gave me particular structure customized to the needs of my youngest child, a person with ADHD known to readers as Baby Sis.  Summer offered her a break from the constant pressures meeting the expectations of school rules.

Summer vacation granted her the gift of opportunity; it allowed her to be ADHD.

Typically, I allowed all my children extra sleep time during the summer weeks, time for their bodies for resting, growth, and refreshment. That didn’t mean they slept away the morning; usually they were up and going by 9 A.M.

A consistent sleep pattern set the first step in structure for my ADHD daughter; sleeping routines began her day in the most promising manner. For the most part, children with ADHD do better when they know what is expected of them.

Awakening Baby Sis sounded something like this: “Ummm, no, no, no. Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

“It is almost nine o’clock. I will come back in five minutes, so be prepared to get up then.”

And five minutes later, her response was: “What, what? Mommy I am too tired to get up.”

But she did stir and get up after the second call.

At the beginning of the summer, my children attended VBS at our local church where the activities and learning schedule helped them transition from the routines associated with school.

Education experts encouraged us to exercise our children’s minds during school breaks, so planning a regular activity from year to year provided that boost. Baby Sis really liked VBS as she looked forward to both the fact it was in a familiar place with friends from church and the new and interesting activities built around the different yearly themes.

“Mommy, I get to carry the Bible (or one of the flags) during the processional today.”  Just remembering her enthusiasm still brings tears to my eyes.

As to the remainder of the summer, I did not wait for Baby Sis and her siblings to ask for direction. I planned activities that enhanced her self-esteem and sparked her creativity. She took swim lessons, played on a softball team, played with the children in the neighborhood, attended summer reading programs, and spent time alone with her art projects.

And on the days when Kansas temperatures rose to 100 plus degrees, she watched movies in the TV room of our basement. During these afternoons, she danced, sang, and ate snacks of her choice. Her favorite was Tomorrow from the Little Orphan Annie, a movie she completely memorized. Then she might fall asleep on the sofa when exhaustion took her captive for an hour or two. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498.

Summer routine for my child with ADHD meant she made choices that corresponded with her daily interests and split-second decisions. It meant she continued to learn to follow the guidance I furnished and the flexibility we planned into each new day.