The Wooden Heart

“See? I am wearing the heart you bought for your Mother,”   I said as I pointed to my necklace.  I wear it annually, several times during the month of February.

Husband turned his attention toward me and the piece of wood hanging on the chain around my neck.

“Looks nice. I appreciate it when you wear it.”

It’s necessary for me to point out when I wear it. Otherwise, it would be a few days before he even noticed it.

“It’s carved from one piece of driftwood, right?”  I asked of the heart that it about two inches long and at least one inch across at the widest points.

He nodded. “I bought that for her Christmas present the year we lived in Seattle,” he remembered, “But I don’t know how much I paid for it. I only bought for her, not Dad. I never bought for Dad unless she shamed me into it.”

“That’s unfortunate,” I said as I quickly moved on to the next thought on my mind. “Was that before you had pneumonia or after? Was that the same year you got sick from the turkey dinner served at school?”

“I was developing the pneumonia the day I bought it for her. I’m glad I didn’t die before I got to give it to her.”

“How morbid!”

“Yeah, it would have hurt her a lot had I died at age 11.”

“Indeed! And your Dad, too.”

“I know that now, but in those days, I only thought about how much Mother loved me.”

“I wear this heart in as a tribute to you as a sweet boy who loved his Mother.”

“Yeah, I really did love Mother. She was the person who seemed to accept me more than anyone else. Sure, Grandmother McNay loved me, and so did Grandma and Grandpa Lutz. But Mother was my best friend when I was a kid.”

“I should tell you that for most kids, it likely is Mother who loves them best. My Mother loved me, and I know how much I loved our kids when they were younger. I still do. It seems arrogant, but I think I will always love them more than anyone could. Even spouses. It’s a different kind of love.”

“I needed my Mother when I was a kid,” he said. “She really liked me.”

“She did. And I loved her, too, because she was interesting and fun in the same ways that attracted me to you.”

“But you’re my best friend, now,” he said. “You’re the one who is sweet and kind to me.”

“I do love you, and I love the fact you were attached to your Mother when you were a lonely young boy who needed more friends and more self-confidence.”

It is essential for the person with ADHD to feel and accept love, just as it is for the rest of us. As you read here, often deep love begins with a child’s feelings for his or her Mother. As the psychologist, Lev Vygotsky noted, Mother serves as the primary social model for a young child.  Although Mother is likely involved in more activities with the young child, Father can also fulfill this role.

If you are a parent of a child with ADHD, remember that you are the essential social relationship in your child’s life, and it is you who can do much to help your child develop the confidence and self-esteem needed for later relationships.

I f you seek additional help with any parenting of a child or teen with ADHD, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558. We can help you as you develop the skills you need.