Spousal Anger

Winston Churchill said, “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” Today, spouses of persons with ADHD may have an attitude.

Attitude materialized the day I noticed the trash was collecting next to our garage. The trash hasn’t been picked up in three weeks,” I complained, “I’m going to phone the company.” “I wouldn’t do that,” he said. “I haven’t paid the bill this month, and I cancelled our account.” With a wide-eye stare, I asked why he made that decision. Nonchalantly he merely said, “I wanted to use the money for something else.”

Let’s cut straight to the issue with honesty and openness. When an adult has ADHD, the condition can cause the spouse much stress and anger as a result of  imprudent decisions that wound.

Husbands and wives of persons with ADHD, you will deal with anger.

Anger can destroy relationships. Since you are associated with someone with ADHD, I recommend you learn to deal with anger. Learn not to take the offense personally, and learn to focus on your spouse’s strengths.

My husband saw paying bills as an insurmountable task. Much of what he knew about it, he learned from his mother. He didn’t know how to try harder in that area. He knew countless other things, though, such as how to grow vegetables and how to cook them, how to treat me with respect both at home and in public, and how to help friends in need.

Based on what I knew about his strengths, I used my strengths to be more aware of our finances and bills.

Practice forgiveness. After all, your spouse is not always obnoxious, does complete a few tasks, and may not intend to yank your chain. Forgiveness is a choice, which means it is an act of will. Dr. Fred Luskins (*) says that forgiveness allows you to gain or retain your power.

Your spouse’s ADHD can be a catalyst for anger, but let me remind you that marriage itself can trigger anger. Then, if your partner is always late, frequently makes bad financial choices, recurrently engages in risky behavior, and habitually fails to perform essential chores, anger builds and builds. Do not become discouraged or surprised by this.

The qualities that attracted you to your partner may be the same that tears the relationship apart. In the early days, his or her ability to dance with the moment captivated you. Now you long for a partner who plans ahead or follows a routine. Possibly distinctive humor charmed you; now it is an irritant. Maybe when he or she did not pay bills on time, you once saw it as a form of control. Today you may see it as lack of responsibility.

Conflict resolution is in order. Simply put, conflict resolution means talking about it with the offender.  Healthy and well-presented confrontation is necessary for healthy relational growth. Of course, conflict resolution involves two roles: the confronter and confronted.

Your partner with ADHD may resist confrontation. You must learn how to present him or her with facts in a manner that will not worsen the situation. Learn how to best communicate.

If you determine to become a learner in each situation you will avoid getting bogged in the mire of blame and accusations. Instead ask yourself questions such as: What am I assuming about my partner? What part of his or her behavior is my responsibility? What choices do I have in how I react to him or her?

If you are angry at your ADHD partner, I wholly recommend both of you meet with a professional because there are probably some issues you just cannot handle alone. Although I encourage you to have a spiritual foundation for life, I do not recommend your pastor, priest, or spiritual advisor. Your professional might be a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Social Worker who can provide coaching, or a Psychologist who can offer counseling. It is important you find a professional that understands ADHD.

(*) Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for Good. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.