Know Your ADHD

Many of you have heard the story of how I met Husband when we were students at Friends University in Wichita, KS.

One day in English literature class, he said to me, “What was this author trying to say? I didn’t understand this shit, and it made me nervous. So I stopped reading.”

Since I knew nothing about ADHD at that time, I attempted to enlighten him about the work in question. I swear his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.

Throughout the years, we have discussed how ADHD affected his ability in college.

I told him: “As early as the late 1790’s, a Scottish doctor, Sir Alexander Crichton, described the characteristics ADHD with words such as inattentiveness and restlessness, which he called ‘the fidgets.’ He noted that children with those behaviors were unable to pay attention in school and suggested these kids receive individual education interventions. What do you think of that piece of information?”

As he gazed into my eyes, Husband said, “Scottish, huh? I’m Scottish. Maybe it’s a national epidemic. I think I resemble his remarks.”

“Be serious; one thing has been born out by literally dozens of studies and empirical evidence. ADHD is a genetic-based condition that tends to run in families, which is strongly evidenced on certain genetic and DNA markers. It is complex. Neurotransmitters which serve to manage other networks are thought to not pass along messages through synaptic gaps.”

“So you are telling me I have gaps in my brain? I’ve known that forever.”

“You have lots of smarts. But in the early 1900’s Sir George Still of England talked about the symptoms as ‘moral control in the normal child’, and he referred to ‘control of action in conformity with the idea of the good for all.’ He said those children were emotionally volatile, aggressive, and they lacked of insight into the impact of their actions.”

“So what is this? What are you telling me? I lost you somewhere in all those words.”

“ADHD is a brain-functioning disorder with a highly social significance. Most persons with ADHD are quite intelligent, but the inattention process often impedes learning or academics. Like you were in our English lit class.”

“Yes. By the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what it said at the first of it.”

Are you or a family member a person with ADHD? Researchers today don’t always agree on the cause of the disorder. However, the effects they agree on; it is a series of symptoms involving inattention, impulsivity, possibly hyperactivity, or a combination of any of these. Often we hear the terms Executive Function and frontal lobe associated with ADHD.

At McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching, we know how ADHD affects lives of persons and their families. We offer coaching for the person with ADHD, and we help family understand the disorder.

Contact us at www.coachADHD.com or phone us at 316-771-7557.

Christmas Reconciliation

Many years ago, my Mother told me: “The most important thing that boy needs to know is God’s love. He needs to know Jesus.”

She referred to my not-yet Husband whom I had been dating a few weeks. I agreed heartily for when I first met Husband, he demonstrated one of the lowest self-esteems I had ever seen.

A few years later he came to me nearly in tears, “Pat at work told me I would go to Hell if I died today. We were discussing religions, and I told her that I am a Christian Scientist. She said that means I am neither a Christian or a scientist. She went on to say the Bible tells us to believe on the saving work of Jesus Christ. Without it, all that Christian Science readings will do is damn me to eternal punishment.”

In one of the most difficultly honest moments of my life, I gazed straight into his beautiful eyes filled with pain. “She’s right. And why did you tell her you are Christian Science? That’s your Dad’s religion. Do you tell everyone you are a Christian Scientist? I don’t believe you really except that rubbish.”

He continued with his questions, “What does she mean about the saving work of Jesus? How will I know where to find it? I had these same questions when I was 12 years old, and no one was there to tell me. You are the only Christian besides Pat who has attempted to do so.”

So I opened a Bible and began to mark Scriptures from the New Testament in the book of Romans and asked him to read chapters 1 through 10. I hardly slept that night as I prayed for him to understand the loving truth of God’s word.

Early the next day, he said: “I read the entire book of Romans. Then I got down on my knees and asked God to show me what I had to do to have Jesus as my Savior. I did it. I now know what it means.”

The change in his demeanor was immediately apparent, and other changes developed over time. Within a few weeks, he read the entire Bible from Genesis to Revelation because he was so thirsty to know what God had to say to him.

He has often said, “Before I became a Christian, my life was filled with emptiness and despair. My lifestyle showed it, and I felt terribly unloved and unlovable. “

From what I have learned about ADHD over the years, much of his pain stemmed from the negativity and rejection he felt due to the behaviors associated with attention deficit.

I am not saying that Christian teaching is the answer to the behaviors and problems associated with ADHD. I am saying that persons with ADHD need to know they are valuable in God’s economy; their lives have meaning, and they can be reconciled with God in spite of any mistakes or behaviors they have experienced.

As to the lovely woman who was brave enough to witness to Husband at work, many years later after we married and had three small children, he introduced me to her at a grocery store.

“Please stand over there,” I asked him. Then I told her the story. “I am most honored to meet you. I have always wanted to thank you for your kind bravery and concern for him.”

On this day when Christians throughout the world celebrate the fact God sent His Son to be the Savior of the world, I pray all who read my blog will know they are in right standing with God. Will you be able to say you are reconciled with God?

For further information about ADHD and for coaching helps to set and maintain effective goals, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013.

 

Christmas Traditions

Oldest Daughter was three, and Crown Prince was two months old when Husband instructed me, “Atha, I want there to be several gifts under the Christmas tree for each child every year.”

I correctly interpreted this to mean he wanted me to buy and wrap those several presents.

“How many is several?” I asked.

“Oh, 20-25 each ought to do it.”

“How many?” I gasped.

“Mom used to make certain we four kids had that many presents each, and I want to continue the tradition with my kids.”

I bit my lip to keep from telling him to start shopping. Instead I asked, “What kind of gifts? Did she really spend that much money?”

Knowing that Father-in-law could be tight with money, I didn’t expect she spent hundreds of dollars on presents in the 1950’s.

“Oh, she might wrap one colorful pencil. Sometime she wrapped socks for us boys or nail polish for the girls, but she made sure we had several packages to unwrap. You know – hats, gloves, shirts, candy, and bubble bath, things like that.”

“Did you go around the room and open them one at a time, like Grandma Lutz taught us to do?”

“Yes. The fun for Mother was wrapping packages in front of us and going shopping with money she really didn’t have. She might wrap a package and hand it to me. Then she would say: ‘Go put a name tag on this.’ I would ask her which name. ‘Well, yours,’ she would say, ‘Didn’t you see me wrap it?’ “

For some strange reason, at the time, I thought this was funny. Now, I see the ADHD way of thinking, and it seems a bit farcical.

Whether it was or not, I did as Husband requested, and every year I began going to garage sales in September to find bargains on toys and play items. I kept a hidden list that helped me keep track of the number of gifts for each child. It had to be an identical amount.

You notice we kept Husband’s family tradition, and you also notice I am the one who did all the work.

Husband knew how to cut himself a great deal of slack during those holidays. He might assemble a toy I bought, or carry a box of goodies I baked. He knew how to keep one tradition alive, the one tradition that had his name on it in a manner of speaking. Where I was influenced by the traditions thrown at me from commercials and marketers, the one tradition he considered important came from his Mother’s ability to think outside the box (no pun intended).

Persons with ADHD and their family members can take a lesson from this: not all holiday traditions have your name on them. Husband wisely chose one that held a treasure of memories for him, and that is where he put his focus. Even today, he never allows the season to become overstimulating or overwhelming for himself. I recommend you keep your traditions simple. Don’t develop to-do lists filled with items you likely will not even look at.

For additional resources and help with ADHD, contact McNay & Voth Coaching Services at www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557.

Be Mindful at Christmas

The sign at a local school immediately caught my attention: Be Mindful of Parking Procedures.

“Ha! ” I said aloud.

Right away Husband jumped and asked. “What?”

“It says be mindful of the procedures. It did not say ‘ follow the rules ’ ‘heed procedures’, or even ‘ watch out for children’. It says ‘be mindful’.”

“Isn’t that one of the terms you always use when talking about ADHD?”

“Yes, it is,” I said. “I challenge persons to be mindful of behaviors associated with ADHD, especially as those behaviors reoccur in their children or spouses with ADHD. I tell them to stand back and observe or pay attention on purpose without being judgmental and with a focus for being in the moment.”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“Basically, it means a person can intentionally observe, describe, or even take part in the moment without becoming all emotional or defensive. We talk about being mindful of God’s presence. Knowing He is with us doesn’t stress us out or cause us to be upset.”

“It might, if we feel guilty enough.”

“That’s a different topic. Being mindful of God’s presence helps us to relax and it reduces stress. For Christians, it helps us remember He brings forgiveness and peace, if we are willing to accept them.”

“So does this have something to do with parking lots?”

“Not in religious terms. I just think it is curious they used the word mindful.  But mindfulness in general can help persons with ADHD reduce a sense of stress. It can also help family who get frustrated with the ADHD member.”

“Now you are getting personal.”  He turned and scowled at me.

“Not that I couldn’t, but seriously, this is not all about you. Mindfulness can allow an individual a sense of flexibility. It is looking at behaviors in a new perspective and even with new sensitivity. Mindfulness also helps with building the attention center of the brain. The more an individual regulates or focuses his or her attention to being mindful, the more he or she thickens the attention center. Meditation or focus does a similar thing. We can call it mindful mediation.”

“So it is a matter of how and when we are mindful?”

“You got it. For example, we can mindfully eat a meal at a slower pace and focus on the taste of the food. We can mindfully reflect on what Christmas means and meditate on God’s goodness.”

If you are a person with ADHD, you and your spouse and children can benefit from the practices of mindfulness during the holiday season and the end of the year:

1.    Meditate on the meaning of the season.

2.   Be mindful of your traditions for celebrating and how you can make things easier.

3.   Practice meditation to dispel old habits and contemplate how you want to live in the future.

4.   Make time throughout each day to listen to the quiet around you.

If you wish to take a fresh approach to living with ADHD, and have questions about ADHD or the practice of mindfulness and ADHD, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching at www.coachadhd.com.

 

 

Christmas Cheer

While we were driving and looking at Christmas lights, I wistfully said, “Remember our first Christmas together? Do you remember the little table-top tree and ornaments? How about the pink caftan robe I made for you?”

Husband concentrated on his driving. Finally he asked, “What brought that up?”

“Oh, you know. I get nostalgic when I think of the many Christmas celebrations we enjoyed when our kids were little.”

“They weren’t born that first year,” he pointed out with a smirk.

“I realize that. But I think of Oldest Daughter’s first Christmas when she was five weeks old. I remember wrapping our presents with pink ribbons to commemorate her birth, and I remember her first pair of jeans that your sister bought her.”

Husband continued to smirk. He often tells me he draws frames of pictures in his head as he listens.

As I plunged ahead with my memories, I continued, “Then there was Crown Prince’s first Christmas when he was two months old, and your sister bought him his first pair of jeans, too.”

“Is this about my sister’s buying habits?” I could tell he was not too thrilled with this conversation.

“No, I think it is about true happiness at Christmas. Each baby brought immense joy and happiness at his or her first Christmas. Even when the money was tight, we were happy as a family.”

“When was it not tight at Christmas?” Husband growled.

“OK, that aside,” I agreed, “I wish to continue remembering happy moments from the past.”

“So are you the Ghost of Christmas Past? Long past or just your past?”

“Very good Ebenezer.”

“So, where is this conversation leading?”  I don’t think he likes to dwell on joyful thoughts.

“The emphasis of Christmas lies on the small pieces of happiness of being with family and doing things for others. The best memories do not highlight certain gifts as much as they do the times of being with people who are near and dear.”

He didn’t catch the part about not highlighting gifts. “One of my best Christmas gifts was the pogo stick Grandma and Grandpa Lutz bought for me in 1959. See, I even remember the year. They bought it just for me and my needs.”

“Was it the toy or the fact Grandma and Grandpa gave it? “

“Yes,” he responded in his usual way.

Christmas is not always joyful for the person with ADHD. It can be a huge challenge for him or her in terms of money and empathy. This year, help your person with ADHD appreciate his or her own strengths by encouraging one small volunteer service. It will give your person the confidence to focus on others instead of his or her own needs.

For more information on how you can help your family member with ADHD or yourself, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching Services at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557.

 

 

Getting Ready for the Holidays

I wish I had known about attention-deficit disorder early in our marriage. Of course, we didn’t use that term in those days, but had I known, life would have been easier for Husband during the last weeks of any given year. My quest for perfect holidays clashed with his ADHD.

I began the first week of each November sharing all I wanted to accomplish for the holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day.

His eyes glazed over when he heard the length of the to-do list, which I assumed was his list, too. However, I didn’t notice his confusion. I presumed he was as enthusiastic about the season as I was.

His reaction was to mentally sit down and stubbornly refuse to get going. I am certain I heard him groan inwardly. No, I take that back. He was most vocal with his complaints.

I thought of presents he could make or build for the children. He said, “Make? I can’t even find my hammer and nails.”

I dreamed of a beautifully decorated house when his family came for Christmas. He dreamed of solitude and retorted, “Who invited them anyway?”

When I planned an evening for making dozens of different types of cookies, he said, “I think three dozen sugar cookies are enough. We can decorate them with sprinkles.”

My holiday planning brought stress to our lives.

Today I am older and wiser; I realize I had most unrealistic expectations for both Husband and myself in terms of time and money. Instead of a Should List, it would have been better to have a Preference List. Even a This Would Be Nice List would have reduced the stress.

If you are a person with ADHD or married to one, I recommend you develop a stress-less approach to holiday planning. The operant word is priorities.

1.     Self-care. Schedule time each day for exercise, naps, and time with your immediate family. Mindfully meditate and pray.

2.    Your emphasis. Choose the most significant element of the holiday around which to build your celebrations. If it is the religious meaning, center your plans in relation to a special religious service or hosting a holiday buffet.

3.    Lights and decorations. Perhaps you really gain delight from the festivities of the holidays. Plan when you will spend time with family and friends. Plan to give simple gifts as a sign of affection and thoughtfulness. Keep decorations to a minimum and shop online where you will find numerous perfect gifts at bargain prices.

4.    Holiday messages and cards. I don’t think it is tacky to send email messages during the holidays. Make messages personal, and consider how you will keep the contact green by protecting the environment.

5.    Holiday Goodies. If your holiday should be filled with special treats, buy them, or barter with a friend who likes to bake. Perhaps your friend would rather bake than wrap presents or address cards.

Ask, “What works best for my situation?”, and set your goals accordingly. If you need help setting your goals, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching (www.coachadhd.com) for the support and encouragement you need. Have fun during the holidays.

 

Thankful

Recently I told Husband: “I often ask parents of kids or teens to name their children’s strengths. Their answers always include similar qualities: creative, highly intelligent, eager to help, kind, loving. Isn’t that interesting?”

He kept a straight face: “I know. I resemble those qualities.”

“Yes, you do, and it is not a joke. Those are some of the reasons why I agreed to marry you.”

“What else?”

“What else, what? Why else did I want to marry you?”

He nodded his head.

“You were young, tall, blonde, and handsome. I loved your sense of humor and gentlemanly manners. Besides, you told me you cook.”

“I did at one time. I once loved to cook. And I did it well, if I do say so myself.”

“In addition to that, you wanted to marry me. You were not a jock who was all full of yourself. Of the fifteen qualities I wanted in a husband, you were all of them and more.”

“You are sweet to tell me those things.”

“I’ve been saying them for nearly 40 years. Don’t act as if you are surprised.”

“Surprised? No, I am grateful.”

“I am the one who is grateful, and I thank God for you and your devotion to me and our children.”

“Really?”

“Don’t let that go to your head. I am not thankful for some ways ADHD manifests itself through your actions.”

He moaned. “Don’t go there.”

“Of course, I won’t. If I ever got started, I might not stop. Besides, I make it a habit to build you up, not tear you down or add to your self-abasement. But back to being thankful, we’ve shared many wonderful experiences and a few that were very sad.”

“Now that you mention it, I was thinking of our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. It was less than a week after we buried my Mother. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that day without you.”

“That was a horrible week! I felt so sorry for your Grandmother and Grandfather when they hosted Thanksgiving Dinner that year. They are another reason I am thankful for you; you gave me grandparents. I never knew what that was like before.”

“Grandma and Grandpa loved you. They were surprised someone like you would choose to love me.”

I knew they were not surprised. They understood him and appreciated his strengths.

“I am thankful you taught me to loosen up a bit. I was quite serious about life when we married.”

“I’ve meant to talk to you about that.”

“Listen, smart-aleck. You have many times. Seriously, one of the advantages of living with your ADHD comes from the way it helped change my perspectives. Your way of thinking has rubbed off on me at times.”

“Would you do it again?”

“What? Marry you? Of course. It made living with you and having those three kids legal and moral. I wouldn’t want you to be married to another woman. That’s too much like your other Grandfather.”

We won’t go there, either.   

November and New Babies

 “Come back,” I called, “You must foam your hands before you go into the room.” 

I had to repeat it three times. “Come back here.”

Two days ago, Husband had nearly pushed me aside as he opened the door at the Birthing Center.

Finally he turned toward me in irritation. “Who says I have to?”

Accustomed to his ADHD oppositional defiance, I merely pointed to the many signs posted on the wall of the Center, and he reluctantly complied.

“I’ve got to meet Keaton and hold him,”  Husband called over his shoulder. His grandnephew was less than two hours old. “He’s three days shy of being born on his sister’s third birthday. I’m eager to see him and her with him.”

Oldest Daughter will celebrate her birthday a few days from now, and the births of these precious children bring back memories of her November birth.

We didn’t foam in and out in those days. Before we were allowed to hold our own baby, we had to open a handy wipe and wash our hands in front of the nurse. Can you believe it?

The night Oldest Daughter was born, Husband left me in the recovery room (things have changed a lot since then) and went straight to the receiving nursery. Soon he came back with her on his shoulder.

Naturally, I reached for my child, and he drew back with her.

“You carried her for nine months. I get to hold her,” he declared.

“But that’s my baby,” I protested.

“Mine, too,” he countered, and he continued to hang on to her tiny body.

The first morning after we came home from the hospital, I woke to find her crib empty, and in my panic ran to find her with her daddy.

Husband held her on his left arm with her feet securely tucked next to his chest. With his right hand, he guided his shaver over his face.

“She wanted to be with her daddy,” he said as I leaned against the door frame with relief and a little disbelief.

Seeing Husband with the new baby this week flooded my mind with memories of him with all three of our children.

“You are so good with babies,” I told him.

“I know,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m a natural with them.”

“You know I consciously comment on your strengths,” I reminded him.

“Yeah, what about it,” he quizzed.

“It keeps me from obsessing about the things you don’t do.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t get me started. Let’s just say that seeing how tender and sweet you are with babies counters the fact I have to remind you to clean out the cat box.”

“What does a cat box have to do with new babies?”

“Precisely,” I told him.

I could see he did not make the connection.  To use his maxim, I may need to use a fat crayon and Big Chief tablet to draw him an explanation.

Love and Respect

Last week, a woman I had just met asked an attention-grabbing comment about marriage. “Have you noticed that many women spend a great deal of effort loving their husbands who in turn show respectful consideration to their wives?”

I had to admit I had not thought of it in that manner, but as she further explained, I could see where she came from on her comments.

“Women do all types of things to show their devotion and affection for their husbands. They serve their men with love by doing for them. A wife may cook his favorite meal, make certain his clothes are ready for work or social occasions, plan activities with his family. She does this because she wants him to know she loves him above all else.”

“Are you saying you think such loving behavior is inappropriate or even unbiblical ?”

“No, but I am saying that when it comes to biblical direction, our culture may have it backwards.” She replied.

She and I had been talking about the biblical passage Ephesians 5:33: But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.

“Think about what this is telling us. We know each wife has a deep need to feel loved, and she needs for her husband to demonstrate that love in ways that are meaningful to her,” she continued.

I like the translation that say a man should love his wife as much as he does his own body,” I laughed. “It seldom seems to happen that way. I believe my husband loves me, but he loves himself more than he does me. I thought it was part of the ADHD thing.”

“It could be, but does he think he shows love to you?”

With thoughtful contemplation, I admitted, “He thinks it is enough to say he loves me and to do little things for me that he likes to do.”

Then she asked, “Do you respect your husband?”

“I make it a point to show respect even when it is difficult to feel it deep inside. I know he needs it. It’s important I consult him on most issues dealing with the family and management of our home. I ask his opinion and do my best to follow through with his desires. Sometimes is it a willful decision to do this because he has not always been that considerate of me. He also likes for me to praise him and brag on his talents.” After a brief pause I continued: “I also keep step with him when we walk together. It may sound funny, but I purposefully match my steps to his.”

I mindfully remembered past his past decisions that centered-around what he wanted and what he thought was best for him. He was not considerate of me, and he knew it. For that reason, he would hide those decisions from me.

“I can see where this information would benefit the couples where one is a person with ADHD. The man with ADHD should set goals for learning how to make his wife feel loved. The woman with ADHD should set goals to respect as well as love for her husband,” I remarked while my mind chased after ways I wish Husband had showed love for me in our early years together.

“I can’t go there,” I thought. “The significance of this conversation lies in how well I can go forward with the future.”

Instead I said, “For me, the term respect means holding Husband in high regard and valuing his presence and comments. He comes first before any other person I know, even our grown children.”

My new acquaintance continued, “I want to recommend a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs.  Dr. Eggerichs talks about how to make a good marriage even better. “

She said it is a book that helps couples communicate better. However, today at lunch, I asked Husband what the word respect means to him.

“If you lose it, it is something that is difficult to get back.”

“But do you think I respect you?”

“Sure,” he said. “You tell me you love me and ask me to go places with you.”

Hmmm, I think we need to work on communication.

 

 

 

 

Messy Desk Boys

I once heard a lady with ADHD describe her messy purse, and it reminded me of the term “a messy-purse girl.” I don’t think it requires description. Likely you already have a mental picture.

 “Hump,”  I say. “It isn’t just females who live within the walls of clutter and messiness. I remember the boys in school with perpetually messy desks.”

Do you remember the ones who had to clean out their desks once per month? Remember how they would find all sorts of treasures from missing homework and pencils to baseball cards and of course, the latest missing library book?

“Be careful,” Husband says as we both turn toward his desk in our home office. “I resemble that remark.”

Yep, he’s right about that. Even these days, piles of papers and envelopes lay scattered in some form of organization across the top of his rather large desk.

They’re not totally unorganized, but they are not orderly or laid out in an easy-to-find arrangement.

“Don’t touch the things on my desk. I won’t be able to find what I need if you do,” he tells me.

“Find?” I ask incredulously as I look at the collection of hodge-podge items such as address labels from magazines and other items waiting for the shredder, marketing and sales materials, brochures, bills and the envelopes they came in, a candy wrapper, and this year’s Christmas photo from his nephew.

He just does not keep items in a certain order. Why doesn’t he try standard organization tactics such as color-coded files or three-ring binder?

“Athalene,” he has said to me in his firm and authoritative voice. “I don’t know why I organize like this. If I knew how to keep it neat and tidy, I would do so.”

So am I to assume his clutter is due to a lack of knowing? Does he fail to keep it tidy because it is beyond his skill set?

I think not. In fact, I imagine his desk and his way of organizing represent the way things are arranged in his mind with non-sequential groupings and order that is reasonably logical to him.

Professional organizers say that individuals should organize their space in a way that correlates with how they live in that space. Not all people organize in the same way, and for it to be more practical, each person should use his or her space in a unique way and how he or she wants it to function.

“They” don’t have to walk past Husband’s desk several times a day, or wish for less clutter in their homes.

I am not as dull-witted as I may look. As a matter of fact, I am wise enough not to wade into his messiness and begin throwing out his effects. One day, I even helped him purge. He decided what to keep and throw, and I did the actual work.

I once shared with Husband, “Organization Guru, Julie Morgenstern, recommends what she calls the “Kindergarten Classroom” method for organizing. Divide the space or room into activity zones. Focus on one activity at a time.  Store items at their point of use.  Put things away in the new homes you have created for them. Use colors or other visuals to help you remember the different zones. Do you think you might like to use that idea?”

He stared me squarely in the eye. With one hand on his head, and the other resting on the opposite hip, he sang, “I’m a little teapot.”   I got his message.

 

 

 

Mindful Frustration

Just now I completed writing about why the child with ADHD has problems making friends. Given that they are often impulsive, fail to follow through, and miss social cues, their peers get frustrated and irritated trying to interact with them.

At times, so do spouses of adults with ADHD get perturbed or exasperated. As my mother-in-law warned me many years ago, innuendos are not forms of communication with the person with ADHD.

My writing led me to think of Mindfulness. Many topics tend to lead me in that direction these days.

For instance, Saturday was to be a day in my resting regime; I had scheduled it as a sabbath time for renewal and refreshment. It didn’t begin that way, and it continued not to be that way for the greater part of the day. I started it by running a promised errand for another family member. Then, in order for my daughter to wash her clothes, I tidied the laundry area.

Husband stayed in bed until 10 A.M., and he only got up then because I finally announced the time.

He watched TV most of the day while I watched the floor that needed vacuumed and the other floors that needed steam mopped.

I made comments about these chores, but he did not respond.

Finally I was more direct. “Will you clean the cat box?”  I did ask politely. Even though it is his regular responsibility, he didn’t answer, but eventually the offensive elements in the box disappeared.

However, a mound of litter laid on the bathroom floor next the box and spilled onto the carpet in the adjoining room.

“He always ignores this,” I mumbled under my breath along with several other criticisms of how he does not complete chores. Sacrificially I cleaned the floor and carpet as I muttered about filthiness and learned laziness.

Accept my word for it, there was much more that he could have been doing around the house. It isn’t necessary for you to hear about the long list of ignored chores and incomplete tasks that assailed my senses.

What good would it do? I have lived within this scenario for nearly 40 years. Besides, I am really practiced at feeling sorry for myself.  The resentment continued to build. Sure, I made a few comments to him, but he literally didn’t get it. This was stress that did not affect me in a good way.

Finally I exploded in frustration. That got his attention. He thought I was threatening to commit suicide. Suicide?  Assault and battery, maybe. Physical attack, possibly. But it wasn’t me I wanted to hurt.

It was at that moment I thought of Mindfulness. I became aware of the moment and the thoughts and feelings flooding my reasoning. Mindfulness allowed me to notice them as they were, without judging the experience. I was simply aware I should get away from the situation and leave the house for a while.

I grabbed my tanning supplies and headed for the salon. I was mindful I should do something good for myself that allowed peace and quiet away from the sights of endless tasks and chores.

As I lay quietly alone on the tanning bed, I focused my thoughts on meditation, or as we say in Christian vocabulary, on prayer. I was aware of God’s Presence in and with me, of my need to accept responsibility for my own thoughts and reactions, and aware that Husband is not the only person who contributed to my frustration. I meditated on God’s ability and willingness to help me overcome my selfishness and to name it as such, and I meditated on my responsibility to apologize and ask forgiveness.

I know this sound countercultural, but it is my mindful meditation, and it works for me.

When I got home, chores and tasks remained undone. I could still see them, but I came back with a different perspective. Prayer and meditation cleared the chalkboard of my mind and changed the dynamics of my reactions.

Communication Social Skills

Nearly 30 years ago our family learned sign language in order to communicate with a neighbor’s child. It has proven to be one of the best skills we have enjoyed as a family.  A variety of sign languages are used throughout the United States, and sign language can be considered the fourth most used language in our country, especially when talking about American Sign Language. One of the neatest aspects of knowing sign language is how to use body, space, manual expression, and facial expression.

Husband uses sign language quite beautifully, and for many years served as an interpreter to deaf members of our church congregation.

Our family uses it when we cannot talk in church or other places such as school meetings when we poked fun among ourselves at a school board member/mother in our community. No, don’t feel sorry for her. She was offensive to many people in our school community; we just had the means to talk about her behind her back in front of her face.

Call it tension release.

Yesterday we had another great opportunity for tension release, only this time it was another customer in the hair salon where we go for haircuts.

Our stylist cut Husband’s hair before starting in on me. We were the only ones in the salon expect for another stylist who was waiting for her next customer.

When he bounded through the door, we all knew it. He came with his slightly self-focused smile, a head-full of bushy curls, and his loud voice.

I happened to turn toward where Husband sat waiting for me and asked “ADHD?” in sign language.

With squinted eyes, Husband watched the new customer closely for a while without making a comment.

Customer said, “Yes, it has gotten long and curly. She wants you to take it to a fall-weather cut. Trim this part of my beard. She wants me to have a goatee.”

Within two minutes we heard about the impending anniversary celebration and the party their grown children planned for them.  OK. We had no problem with that conversation, although it was a bit loud.

In answer to his stylist’s question, Customer soon said, “We are also going to New Orleans to the French Quarter. She has never been there. I have many times because my brother is a performer, and he has often done shows in the French Quarter. I flew down to be with him there several times.”

We learned more about his brother. “He travels all over the USA, but his home is in California. He is 66 years old, but he still has to work. Well, you can imagine how it is to own a business such as that.”

I had turned several times to observe Husband’s face. He continued to squint. He still had not answered my question.

Customer had not stopped talking about She and about the impending celebration and of course, his brother. Husband still had not answered my question.

Customer continued, “Yeah, I told my brother about this trip, and he is happy for us. He offered to meet us there. That was a neat suggestion.”

I looked over at Husband who crossed his arms.  He made a fist with his left hand and swiped across it with his right palm. Then he circled the tip of his nose with the right fist. My stylist saw us. “I see you are talking? What did he just say?”

“Full of shit,” I replied. Tony burst out laughing.

Without taking much breath, Customer said, “So I mentioned it to her. The idea didn’t go over very well, actually. She said that she does not want my brother along with us while we are there to celebrate our anniversary.”

He was quite for a few thoughtful moments before continuing. “Usually I stay with his group when I go because the cost of hotels in New Orleans is really expensive. Anything over $100 per night is too much. I am only there to bathe and sleep. She made the reservations for this trip. I told her not to tell me how much the room will cost her.”

I glanced at Husband who laid his right arm on the left. With one hand he put up two fingers like bull horns. I began to laugh before he even wiggled the fingers of the other hand. So did Tony. “I can tell that one. Bullshit, right?”