Aunt Ruthie, Chemical Imbalance, and Jokes

I’ve never before told you about my Aunt Ruth and my Mother, Naomi, the Dutton
Sisters who loved each other more than I can ever describe for you.

It’s enough to say their unique friendship and relationship always made me yearn for a sister of my own. They made it seem that being sisters was the best thing in the world. Because Mother loved Ruth so deeply, I thought my Aunt Ruthie, as I called her, was the utmost in terms of being doting and special. She was funny, kind, witty, sweet, and hilarious. Did I mention her unusual talent for being clever and humorous?

But in her older years when medications and illness had taken their toll, there were times when she was not herself, and conversations took on a new kind of humor.

For example during one round of medication gone amiss, Ruthie’s behavior was extremely exasperating for my cousin and her husband, Denny, who served as Auntie’s caregivers.

Ruth became demanding and difficult to live with, as well as hateful with her words. On the day my cousin took a few minutes away from the house, Ruthie kept insisting that cousin come home and care of HER MOTHER. Denny explained my cousin would be gone on errands for a time, and he was there to help in any way possible.

This further infuriated Ruth who said in her loudest old-lady voice, “Denny, how would you like to kiss my a***?”

In his practiced calm and unperturbed voice, Denny quickly replied, “Ruth, if I thought it would help, I might be tempted to do so.”

I can imagine the startled expression on her face. Just thinking of it sends me into a spasm of giggles.

Today is a good day for me to remember how Denny balanced the stress of Ruthie’s mental imbalance with his calm and a sense of humor of his own.

Husband is thrashing in the quagmire of depression again today, and I should take a hint from Denny, and even Aunt Ruthie that a good laugh can indeed make a heart grow merry.

This morning I asked Husband: “What is wrong? What are you thinking?”

He turned his anger on me: “I woke up alive. What’s going on with you?”

“How else are you going to wake up? It is either alive or nothing. And as to your question, I am glad I am alive and that you are alive.”

He glared at me when I smiled at him.

Really? Are you kidding me? I have to admit I get tired of putrid responses like his.

I thought of phoning my friend, Patty, who can make me laugh by the way she answers the phone. Instead we went to George and Kay’s house because we thought the group study would take place this afternoon.

George likes to tell silly Scandinavian jokes since he is Swedish and mimics the accent quite well. He tells Ole and Lena jokes that are so quirky, I can’t help but laugh. Such silliness lightens the burdens of the heart.

Consider this another blog about the harsh reality of depression that stalks a large percentage of persons with ADHD. Consider how humor can help lift the spirits of both the person and family members who live with the stress of his or her depression.

And if you live with a person with ADHD who is often depressed, I invite you to contact us at McNay&Voth www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We will talk.

 

 

Let’s Get Serious About Skunk Control and Other Chores

One of my thoughtful adult children talked to me about the blogs I share with you.

“Mom, who writes your blogs? At times I don’t believe they are totally accurate.”

“I write my blogs, and they ARE based on real conversations and events.”

I paraphrase the intent of the next response, “I think you should make them more real.”

Real? How real do you readers want me to be? Just the other day, I told my college-days friend that I would never write certain things about how ADHD affects my marriage or my husband’s life, and I meant it. For one reason, people choose to gossip. Yes, I realize that may surprise my readers, but it is true. For another, family should always honor confidential information.

But back to my offspring’s recommendation, I gave it serious consideration, and in speaking with another of my adult children, came to a conclusion.

From now on, I WILL sporadically share some of the harsher realities of my life as the spouse of a person with ADHD, and I am going to begin with depression.

Persons with ADHD often deal with various degrees of depression, if that is the correct way to express it. It affects emotions and physical actions, and I think it is one of the cruelest of illnesses.  I habitually read and study about depression. I think of it as intelligence gathering just as if I were engaged in a war.

Depression is an enemy in our household. Husband has lived with depression since I’ve known him.

His psychiatrist once asked him how long he had been depressed. “Since about age five,” he answered without really having to stop and think.

Depression hurts, hinders, and interferes with quality of life. It gets in the way of the details of life. For example, take the skunks that have been quite prolific in our backyard this year. Husband looked at me with a flat affect when I asked him to help rid the yard of these uninvited nocturnal pests.

“You expect ME to know what to do?” he asked.

“I hope you will take the advice to simply soak rags in ammonia and then place them all around the yard’s perimeters.”  I said as I placed the rages and ammonia within easy reach.

The materials sat on the table for more than one week before I spoke with him again.  He eventually and reluctantly took action.

Even though I realize it overwhelms him to complete a simple chore, do I get frustrated? You bet. Do I become irritated?  Affirmative.  Not only does his depression bog him down, it sets heavily on my own mind and shoulders.

I will write about depression again soon, but if you want to talk with me about it before then, contact me at McNay &Voth ADHD Services, www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557. We’ll talk.

She Thought I was Weird

“I’ll be writing to teens with ADHD about love and romance this week,” I told Husband. “I am trying to decide if I should write about something from your life or to teen girls in general.”

“I like the idea of your writing to teen girls in general.”

“That may be best, but before I leave this conversation, I want to ask you about the time you bought candy for Anna, your high school classmate.”

He knew I attended elementary school with this same Anna, still sadness and pain crossed his eyes for a brief moment.

“When you gave her the chocolates, what did she say?”

“She gave them to her friend standing next to her.”

“She gave them to someone else?”

“The other girl brought them over to me and said I should keep them, and I shouldn’t try to do it again.”

His face registered his sense of rejection.

“You mean on Valentine’s Day, she couldn’t have merely thanked you and moved on with it?”

“It was her birthday. I overheard someone say it was, so I thought I would buy her a gift.”

“Why did she do such a cruel thing?”

“She thought I was weird. Once I blurted out a comment in class, and she turned on me with a vengeance. She was an intelligent girl in English class, and I thought she was smart, that’s all.”

“So you admired her, and she thought you were weird because of your ADHD symptoms?”

“That’s likely it.”

“If I was going to write about teen girls with ADHD, I could write about times Baby Sis felt rejected due to her ADHD symptoms. She didn’t experience the same types of rejections. She did always think people were talking about her behind her back.”

But I kept on, “I am angry Anna hurt your feelings, but she was acting on information as she knew it at the time. The point is not to blame another person. It is the point to know that ADHD symptoms may not contribute to good relationships. Teens and adults with ADHD should learn behaviors that contribute to relationships, not impede them. Besides, I am glad it was me, not her that realized the treasure within you.”

I once told my husband that as a young man, he was often in love with love. Many scholars now bear it out: persons with ADHD can hyperfocus on romance because doing so increases dopamine which increases pleasure-producing neurotransmitters. But that does not necessarily create love relationships. The person with ADHD and his or her partner must take ownership of ADHD by treating it responsibly to manage the symptoms, increase dopamine, and help the brain work as it is supposed to. It is imperative persons with ADHD learn how to override the challenges of ADHD behavior and build the positive skills needed for lasting intimate relationships.

If you need help in this area, allow Dr. Atha the opportunity to assist you as you seek confidence in romance and love.

Contact us today at McNay & Voth, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558.

 

The Wooden Heart

“See? I am wearing the heart you bought for your Mother,”   I said as I pointed to my necklace.  I wear it annually, several times during the month of February.

Husband turned his attention toward me and the piece of wood hanging on the chain around my neck.

“Looks nice. I appreciate it when you wear it.”

It’s necessary for me to point out when I wear it. Otherwise, it would be a few days before he even noticed it.

“It’s carved from one piece of driftwood, right?”  I asked of the heart that it about two inches long and at least one inch across at the widest points.

He nodded. “I bought that for her Christmas present the year we lived in Seattle,” he remembered, “But I don’t know how much I paid for it. I only bought for her, not Dad. I never bought for Dad unless she shamed me into it.”

“That’s unfortunate,” I said as I quickly moved on to the next thought on my mind. “Was that before you had pneumonia or after? Was that the same year you got sick from the turkey dinner served at school?”

“I was developing the pneumonia the day I bought it for her. I’m glad I didn’t die before I got to give it to her.”

“How morbid!”

“Yeah, it would have hurt her a lot had I died at age 11.”

“Indeed! And your Dad, too.”

“I know that now, but in those days, I only thought about how much Mother loved me.”

“I wear this heart in as a tribute to you as a sweet boy who loved his Mother.”

“Yeah, I really did love Mother. She was the person who seemed to accept me more than anyone else. Sure, Grandmother McNay loved me, and so did Grandma and Grandpa Lutz. But Mother was my best friend when I was a kid.”

“I should tell you that for most kids, it likely is Mother who loves them best. My Mother loved me, and I know how much I loved our kids when they were younger. I still do. It seems arrogant, but I think I will always love them more than anyone could. Even spouses. It’s a different kind of love.”

“I needed my Mother when I was a kid,” he said. “She really liked me.”

“She did. And I loved her, too, because she was interesting and fun in the same ways that attracted me to you.”

“But you’re my best friend, now,” he said. “You’re the one who is sweet and kind to me.”

“I do love you, and I love the fact you were attached to your Mother when you were a lonely young boy who needed more friends and more self-confidence.”

It is essential for the person with ADHD to feel and accept love, just as it is for the rest of us. As you read here, often deep love begins with a child’s feelings for his or her Mother. As the psychologist, Lev Vygotsky noted, Mother serves as the primary social model for a young child.  Although Mother is likely involved in more activities with the young child, Father can also fulfill this role.

If you are a parent of a child with ADHD, remember that you are the essential social relationship in your child’s life, and it is you who can do much to help your child develop the confidence and self-esteem needed for later relationships.

I f you seek additional help with any parenting of a child or teen with ADHD, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558. We can help you as you develop the skills you need.