I Recommend 2

Both partners in an ADHD marriage should read the following three books. At this point, I imagine my daughter with ADHD saying: “Are you kidding me? There are too many pages. The person with ADHD would be overwhelmed before starting.”  OK. Read these books with or to your ADHD partner.

I first read the book, Honey, Are You Listening, 15 or 20 years ago when I struggled with the symptoms my husband displayed, and I feverishly searched the Internet and bookstores for all information that could give me help and insight into the condition. This book proved foundational for the progress both Husband and I have made in the world of ADHD. In it, Dr. Rick Fowler openly tells about his life as a person with ADHD, and along with his wife, Jeri, shares tips on how to be a non-ADHD partner of a person with ADHD. As well they impart wisdom into how they raised their son who is also a person with ADHD. It was this book that gave me the first glimpse of hope for Husband and our marriage. Until I read it, I believed my husband willfully set out to annoy and antagonize me. However, when Dr. Fowler expressed sorrow that ADHD caused him to frustrate the person he loves most in life, I grasped that Husband didn’t want to irritate me any more than I wanted him to. You should check your bookstore for the revised edition of this book.

Dr. Ed Hallowell and Dr. John Ratey wrote the second must-have for the ADHD family entitled Driven to Distraction. The Preface begins with Dr. Hallowell admitting: “I discovered I had ADD when I was 31 years old near the end of my training in child psychiatry”. Just as Husband said about himself, Hallowell was elated to hear there was a name for what he was, and that he was not the only person who exhibited the symptoms. The book uses realism, humor, and a scholarly approach to help the person with ADHD comprehend and clarify what the disorder signifies and its biological foundation. The book also exhibits compassion and empathy for the child, adolescent, and adult with ADHD, and because it has a section of tips for children and adults, I consider this my encyclopedia volume 1 for helps with being married to a person with ADHD.  Dr. Hallowell is considered one of the leading authorities on ADHD, and he truly understands the turmoil associated the person who did not receive diagnosis until later in life. He writes on page 263: “at last there is a reason for all the suffering the person has endured through the years.”

The third must-read is Delivered from Distraction, also written by Hallowell and Ratey. The subtitle says much about its content: Getting the most out of life with Attention Deficit Disorder. If their first book is volume 1 of the encyclopedia, then this is definitely volume 2. Chapter 39 offers Top Tips for Adults ADD. Chapter 40, What Kind of Mate is Best if You have ADHD, begins with the profound statement that ADHD does not define the person. Hallowell admits the best mate is the person you love and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life in cohabitation. One of his statements on page 314 stands out to me concerning marriage patterns he often sees in adults with ADHD: “they fall in love with, or marry someone who resembles a caricature of a bad fifth-grade teacher - someone who is controlling, demeaning, belittling, and very well organized.” I hope I have not been either of the first three of those entities because I love Husband more than any other person on earth. I see his talents and strengths and want to help bring the best to the surface. With examples taken from actual non-ADHD spouses, Hallowell has encouraged me over and over in my role as the non-ADHD partner. One poignant statement from another non-ADHD wife says that “relationship is about teamwork”. That’s my desire for our marriage.