Getting Ready for the Holidays

I wish I had known about attention-deficit disorder early in our marriage. Of course, we didn’t use that term in those days, but had I known, life would have been easier for Husband during the last weeks of any given year. My quest for perfect holidays clashed with his ADHD.

I began the first week of each November sharing all I wanted to accomplish for the holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day.

His eyes glazed over when he heard the length of the to-do list, which I assumed was his list, too. However, I didn’t notice his confusion. I presumed he was as enthusiastic about the season as I was.

His reaction was to mentally sit down and stubbornly refuse to get going. I am certain I heard him groan inwardly. No, I take that back. He was most vocal with his complaints.

I thought of presents he could make or build for the children. He said, “Make? I can’t even find my hammer and nails.”

I dreamed of a beautifully decorated house when his family came for Christmas. He dreamed of solitude and retorted, “Who invited them anyway?”

When I planned an evening for making dozens of different types of cookies, he said, “I think three dozen sugar cookies are enough. We can decorate them with sprinkles.”

My holiday planning brought stress to our lives.

Today I am older and wiser; I realize I had most unrealistic expectations for both Husband and myself in terms of time and money. Instead of a Should List, it would have been better to have a Preference List. Even a This Would Be Nice List would have reduced the stress.

If you are a person with ADHD or married to one, I recommend you develop a stress-less approach to holiday planning. The operant word is priorities.

1.     Self-care. Schedule time each day for exercise, naps, and time with your immediate family. Mindfully meditate and pray.

2.    Your emphasis. Choose the most significant element of the holiday around which to build your celebrations. If it is the religious meaning, center your plans in relation to a special religious service or hosting a holiday buffet.

3.    Lights and decorations. Perhaps you really gain delight from the festivities of the holidays. Plan when you will spend time with family and friends. Plan to give simple gifts as a sign of affection and thoughtfulness. Keep decorations to a minimum and shop online where you will find numerous perfect gifts at bargain prices.

4.    Holiday messages and cards. I don’t think it is tacky to send email messages during the holidays. Make messages personal, and consider how you will keep the contact green by protecting the environment.

5.    Holiday Goodies. If your holiday should be filled with special treats, buy them, or barter with a friend who likes to bake. Perhaps your friend would rather bake than wrap presents or address cards.

Ask, “What works best for my situation?”, and set your goals accordingly. If you need help setting your goals, contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching (www.coachadhd.com) for the support and encouragement you need. Have fun during the holidays.

 

Thankful

Recently I told Husband: “I often ask parents of kids or teens to name their children’s strengths. Their answers always include similar qualities: creative, highly intelligent, eager to help, kind, loving. Isn’t that interesting?”

He kept a straight face: “I know. I resemble those qualities.”

“Yes, you do, and it is not a joke. Those are some of the reasons why I agreed to marry you.”

“What else?”

“What else, what? Why else did I want to marry you?”

He nodded his head.

“You were young, tall, blonde, and handsome. I loved your sense of humor and gentlemanly manners. Besides, you told me you cook.”

“I did at one time. I once loved to cook. And I did it well, if I do say so myself.”

“In addition to that, you wanted to marry me. You were not a jock who was all full of yourself. Of the fifteen qualities I wanted in a husband, you were all of them and more.”

“You are sweet to tell me those things.”

“I’ve been saying them for nearly 40 years. Don’t act as if you are surprised.”

“Surprised? No, I am grateful.”

“I am the one who is grateful, and I thank God for you and your devotion to me and our children.”

“Really?”

“Don’t let that go to your head. I am not thankful for some ways ADHD manifests itself through your actions.”

He moaned. “Don’t go there.”

“Of course, I won’t. If I ever got started, I might not stop. Besides, I make it a habit to build you up, not tear you down or add to your self-abasement. But back to being thankful, we’ve shared many wonderful experiences and a few that were very sad.”

“Now that you mention it, I was thinking of our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. It was less than a week after we buried my Mother. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that day without you.”

“That was a horrible week! I felt so sorry for your Grandmother and Grandfather when they hosted Thanksgiving Dinner that year. They are another reason I am thankful for you; you gave me grandparents. I never knew what that was like before.”

“Grandma and Grandpa loved you. They were surprised someone like you would choose to love me.”

I knew they were not surprised. They understood him and appreciated his strengths.

“I am thankful you taught me to loosen up a bit. I was quite serious about life when we married.”

“I’ve meant to talk to you about that.”

“Listen, smart-aleck. You have many times. Seriously, one of the advantages of living with your ADHD comes from the way it helped change my perspectives. Your way of thinking has rubbed off on me at times.”

“Would you do it again?”

“What? Marry you? Of course. It made living with you and having those three kids legal and moral. I wouldn’t want you to be married to another woman. That’s too much like your other Grandfather.”

We won’t go there, either.   

November and New Babies

 “Come back,” I called, “You must foam your hands before you go into the room.” 

I had to repeat it three times. “Come back here.”

Two days ago, Husband had nearly pushed me aside as he opened the door at the Birthing Center.

Finally he turned toward me in irritation. “Who says I have to?”

Accustomed to his ADHD oppositional defiance, I merely pointed to the many signs posted on the wall of the Center, and he reluctantly complied.

“I’ve got to meet Keaton and hold him,”  Husband called over his shoulder. His grandnephew was less than two hours old. “He’s three days shy of being born on his sister’s third birthday. I’m eager to see him and her with him.”

Oldest Daughter will celebrate her birthday a few days from now, and the births of these precious children bring back memories of her November birth.

We didn’t foam in and out in those days. Before we were allowed to hold our own baby, we had to open a handy wipe and wash our hands in front of the nurse. Can you believe it?

The night Oldest Daughter was born, Husband left me in the recovery room (things have changed a lot since then) and went straight to the receiving nursery. Soon he came back with her on his shoulder.

Naturally, I reached for my child, and he drew back with her.

“You carried her for nine months. I get to hold her,” he declared.

“But that’s my baby,” I protested.

“Mine, too,” he countered, and he continued to hang on to her tiny body.

The first morning after we came home from the hospital, I woke to find her crib empty, and in my panic ran to find her with her daddy.

Husband held her on his left arm with her feet securely tucked next to his chest. With his right hand, he guided his shaver over his face.

“She wanted to be with her daddy,” he said as I leaned against the door frame with relief and a little disbelief.

Seeing Husband with the new baby this week flooded my mind with memories of him with all three of our children.

“You are so good with babies,” I told him.

“I know,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m a natural with them.”

“You know I consciously comment on your strengths,” I reminded him.

“Yeah, what about it,” he quizzed.

“It keeps me from obsessing about the things you don’t do.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t get me started. Let’s just say that seeing how tender and sweet you are with babies counters the fact I have to remind you to clean out the cat box.”

“What does a cat box have to do with new babies?”

“Precisely,” I told him.

I could see he did not make the connection.  To use his maxim, I may need to use a fat crayon and Big Chief tablet to draw him an explanation.