First Night Home

“Do you want me to stay the night with you guys?” I asked one last time,

Thanksgiving Evening, we prepared to leave Anna and Ben’s house after a huge meal. Baby Amelia came home on her third day of being born, and we were overjoyed with the prospects of her addition to our family.

“No, we will be OK,” new momma Anna told me. “But I want her to sleep in the bassinet in our room. I’m not ready for her to be in her crib.”

New father Ben and Uncle Kyle assembled it with a certain amount of frustration, but they got it all prepared for the baby.

Anna cried as she lamented that she had not gotten certain preparations completed before the baby was born.

She blamed it on her ADHD way of thinking.

Then she cried that something might happen to the baby as they slept. I assured her that would not happen. I knew the pain from her C-section and fatigue were talking.

So when Anna phoned me crying loudly at 2:17 AM, I immediately asked if the baby was OK.

“Yes, she’s fine. She won’t stop crying. I’ve tried nursing her twice, but it doesn’t help. This is the worst night of my life.”

My own baby and her baby were learning to adjust amid the newness of being home without nurses and with the discomfort of Anna’s stitches.

“This was a stressful day, and she can feel your stress. Let’s get you both relaxed a bit. First of all, stop trying to nurse her. It might upset her stomach.

“Now go sit in that huge comfy rocker you bought for the nursery. Put her against your chest, skin-to-skin. Wrap both of you in blankets and begin rocking. Ask Ben to sit facing you in case you fall asleep. He can help protect both of you.”

In a few minutes Anna texted to say the baby was quiet and resting. Ben was reading from the Bible to them.

Within thirty minutes, Anna phoned again.

“He’s gotten to the part where King Herod had all the babies killed, “she wailed.

I covered the phone, so she wouldn’t hear me laugh. Poor new daddy. He was doing his best to comfort his girls.

“What is the purpose of having a child if there is all this trouble in the world?”

“That is not yours to answer,”  I reminded her. “It is God’s business. Your job is to get quiet and take care of Amelia.”

I didn’t hear from Anna until four hours later.

“She let us sleep 2 ½ hours since I last nursed her. It felt wonderful,” she gushed.

I quickly dressed and woke Grandfather Scott, so we could make the 30 minute-drive to their house.

Amelia and I spent the morning together while Anna got more sleep, and Ben went for her pain medication. He said his mother would spend the rest of the weekend with them.

“Thank heavens!” I said. I had to work the next day, and Grandma Barb is a nurse. I knew all would be better.

ADHD or not, being a new mother presents all type of challenges, especially the first night home alone as a family. I know they will successfully adjust, just as I know grandparents will support in any way feasible.

However, personally, I’m glad that first night is in the past.

 

My Pregnant Daughter with ADHD

The months have flown by quickly. It seems just weeks ago when Anna phoned with the news she is pregnant with her first baby, our first grandchild. Now it is a matter of days until delivery.

I love the excitement on Anna’s face and the glow that seems to accompany pregnancy. I believe she and Ben will make terrific parents.

But in the meantime, Anna endures the state of being pregnant while still being a woman with ADHD.

Last week she walked through the door announcing that she was cranky and grumpy. Fatique? Too many things swirling through her mind?

Probably it’s because they painted the baby’s room yet another time. This makes three, and I hope she is satisfied with this color. I thought the other two were lovely, but the second had just a tinge too much lavender in it.

“Who paints a baby’s room that color of purple?” she asked.

“You did,’’ I replied. “And it looks perfect for a little girl.”

“No, I have to get this changed now. The doctor thinks she can come in two weeks instead of four. I have to get it done. This second color looks like purple slushie with cream thrown in it.”

“Just don’t paint it yourself,” I warned.

Her gallant husband said he wasn’t going to paint again, but he did. And she painted a bit while wearing a face mask.

What does the new color look like? Purple. With some of the edge off it.

But that’s only part of the ADHD issue, which of course is the procrastination. She should have been getting the room ready months earlier.

The entire thought of being a mother simply overwhelms Anna. Even though she longed for this child, endured two miscarriages, and vacillated back and forth as to whether they should try for another pregnancy, she worries.

Three weeks ago she was overwhelmed with the thought of washing all the new baby clothes.

“Should I wash the blankets and burp cloths?”

“Well, they are going to be close to her sweet little mouth,” I gushed.

“Good, then that means I don’t have to worry about washing the socks.”

“Mom, I wish she could stay inside,” Anna announced one evening. She meant that Amelia will be better off where she’s at.

“No you don’t, and no she won’t.”

“I’m afraid I won’t be a good mother,” she complained referring to her impulsiveness and temper.

Let’s set the record straight. ADHD behaviors do not mean a woman won’t be a good mother. Anna will be creative, funny, and a bit quirky. As well, I predict she will be highly sensitive to her daughter’s emotional needs.

Amelia will grow up where her mother is strict about being tidy because she has to work hard at it. She will make certain Amelia has spiritual values, educational opportunities, and much love. Ben will do the same, and he will help keep Anna on track with her impulsiveness.

It’s such an exciting time in our house, and I expect Ben’s mom and dad are equally excited. Being born into a loving family all the way around will be the greatest blessing for Amelia – even if her mommy gets overwhelmed and off-track much of the time.

 

 

The IEP Meeting

My oldest daughter, Sarah, was in the third grade when the school counselor approached me about her academic giftedness.

Did I know she was academically gifted? Oh, come on. Of course I did. 

After all, as her mother I was the expert on my child. We always knew she was a quick and precocious learner.

I gave my permission for testing and other placement processes. I talked with the teacher of gifted students. I talked with the counselor again, a twenty-something woman who appeared to be twelve.

She informed me that they no-longer used the term gifted, talented, and creative, GTC.

I said that the change in terminology seemed fickle. She giggled and asked me my level of education, and cringed when she found out I was more educated and experienced that she. In spite of my normal uniform of jeans, flip-flops, and a flannel shirt, I was a mom in the know, so to speak.

The teacher of gifted students talked with me again about how much he looked forward to working with Sarah. It wouldn’t be all day. He would serve as a resource interventionist, and she would be assigned to his class for a select period of time each week.

Sarah wasn’t certain about the changes, but if meant privileges, she was all for it.

Of course with the changes came the obligatory annual IEP meeting, which was cool for Sarah because as the student, she was invited to it. The significance of that came when she was a middle-school student, and could meet with her teachers, me, and a school administrator. To make it even better, the purpose of the meeting was all about her.

One of those meetings took place when Sarah was in the 8^th grade. In her own words, Sarah was a little snit throughout the entire conference because she totally disliked the IEP resource teacher, Mrs. Moore, who was also her English teacher.

I was never so embarrassed with her behavior in school. Mrs. Moore appeared gracious, honest, and interested in Sarah.

Possibly I was easily taken-in and naïve.

Sarah acted angry, rebellious, and totally tuned-out. It was obvious that she was not going to be polite or kind or even compliant.

Sarah thought Mrs. Moore was arrogant, two-faced, and Sarah hated her speech impediment. “Really, Mom, she lisps and spits all the time. It’s gross.”

Sarah also pointed out that for two years in a row, Mrs. Moore presented the same information. For bright and clever Sarah, it was torture to sit through it again. So, Sarah thought she could make it much more stimulating if she taught her friend sign language, so they could talk during class.

Mrs. Moore did not care for that solution at all. Imagine that. Mrs. Moore stopped the class and waited until Sarah realized that everyone was watching her. “She really got mad and made a comment. She was so mad, she was spitting faster than she could talk. I told her that we had learned it all the year before, and I was bored.”

On the infamous IEP day, Sarah completely turned her face away from Mrs. Moore, covered her head with her arm and ignored everything the teacher said to her. She would not move even when I asked. She would respond to me when I repeated the questions.

The meeting developed into what it should have been in the first place: a conversation between me and the teacher. I can’t recall much of the outcome; Sarah continued placement in programs for “gifted” students, and Mrs. Moore laughed embarrassingly throughout what must have been a horrible ordeal for her as well.

In case you wondered, she didn’t spit one time, although there was a slight lisp.

Who’s In Control Here?

It boils down to this: Roxie wants to be in charge. In any work situation she takes over: discussions, decisions, and directions. Do you know the type? It can be offensive, right?

Many of us know a person like her. We know the pushiness and the indignation associated with over-ambitious behaviors. They are powerful, and at times, a bit unrestrained.

To a certain degree, the unmanaged ADHD brain is a Roxie. It wants to have control and have its own way. It takes over the schedule you planned. It takes over your words and reactions with spur-of-the-moment and inappropriate comments that get you into trouble. It leads you to forget appointments, forget to pay bills, or forget to keep promises.

If you have ADHD, you know what I’m talking about.

As a person with ADHD you have to be on your best game to manage the free-spirited brain. Common endeavors can help increase the chemicals that help you control your brain. With lower levels of important neurotransmitters, the ADHD brain benefits from everyday activity that can help stimulate those neurotransmitters.

Among the activities you do each day such as sleeping well, eating well, and getting enough light, exercise is highly significant. Some may think of it as a vulgar word, but daily exercise proves to be a powerful tool for mental control and staying power.   It doesn’t need to be formal workouts at the gym, although these can do wonders for focus and clarity. It can be walking during lunch, doing simple arm exercises during a one-minute break at your desk, dancing when no one is watching, or moving through air to take a break from a current task.

Whichever way you exercise, it’s essential that you choose something you will do consistently. Instead of being controlled by your brain, you will find that you are the one who is in control.

For more information, watch Dr. Atha discuss this topic with Brett & Sierra here or check out our website today!

Manage the Unmanaged

A few years ago, one of my university students seemed never to stop talking. You might say she never shut up. She talked during my lectures. She begged for food. She blurted out obscenities when she got upset over an assignment.

“I can’t help it, Dr. McNay. I have ADHD.”

Boy, did she say that to the wrong person. ADHD is never an excuse for such behavior.

“They make medicines for things like that,” I said with a tinge of sarcasm in my voice.

The first time I met her, she came running into my classroom with a dollar bill in her hand.

“I smell the chili you brought for your class. I’m starving. Here, let my buy some,” she demanded as she thrust the money toward me.

I told her to come back in about 30 minutes after I served my own students. She huffed from the room, but she did come back and get a free bowl of chili.

The next time I met her she actually was my student. The first class meeting is etched in my mind. Every few seconds as I lectured I would sign the word no and say hush. She kept on talking to her classmate until I leaned over her desk and asked her to stop interrupting my “golden nuggets of information.” This time she got it.

Her mind and mouth often went where they wanted to go and stayed there.

I describe it as going 150 miles per hour in a 30 mile speed zone.  She was riding an uncontrolled motor bike as it sped toward the precipice of a cliff. Her ADHD brain took her on a true mental chase where she didn’t wish to go.

I won’t share the vulgarities she said when she got frustrated about writing a course paper for me. Instead, I will tell you that she and I had a long personal conversation about qualified mental health professionals in our community. I knew she needed help from someone who understood her free-spirited brain. After all, the ADHD brain is physically different from the more typical brain, which can often lead to impulsive comments and inappropriate behaviors. It’s a matter of lower levels of neurotransmitters that drive the electrical impulses in the brain. She sought professional help and began taking medication. It certainly made a world of difference for those of us who had to deal with her.

A large majority of persons with ADHD can improve the neurotransmitter imbalance with properly supervised medications. However, many people do not want to take medications, and for them I recommend four basics that pertain to all of us:

1. Sleep – develop and maintain health sleep hygiene

2. Eat – choose wisely from the recommended food groups and take in healthy snacks

3. Exercise -  or move through air consistently every day for about 30 minutes.

4. Sunlight – get into the light every day to help build serotonin levels

Many persons with ADHD find proper sleep, eating, exercise, and light mandatory for the energy, clarity, strength, and brain management they need throughout each day.  It’s a matter of letting their brains know who is truly in charge.

For more information on Controlling the ADHD Brain, check out this link.

Dr. Atha

Putting the Command in Center

Let’s get this straight; all I know about the value of a Command Center I learned from personal experience and common sense.

As a matter of fact, the term Command Center wasn’t even a trendy phrase when I first put the principles to use over 20 years ago. My neighbors took similar actions, and we just thought of it as getting it together.

On a recent TV program I suggested that moms with ADHD be certain they have their Command Centers developed as they help themselves and their family get out the door each morning for school or work.

My daughter, Sarah, even designed an illustration of a Command Center to show the viewing audience, and I’ve included it below for you to see in case you missed seeing the program.

What is a Command Center? It’s the place you park your family calendar, leave notes for each other, and garage necessary items such as your purse and keys, school backpacks, homework, and notes to the school. It is where husbands and dads can leave their briefcase and grab it as they go out the door.

How do you put a Command Center together in your own home? Think of it as a custom design. What is a central area of your home that your family uses every day? Is it the kitchen? Is it the area near your main entrance door? Is it as you step outside to the garage? Then decide if you need a small table or bench at that area. Will you include some sort of baskets? The answers to these and other questions will come from how you want to use your command center. Is it nearby where the family hang coats and jackets? Can kids and adults grab shoes here as they go out the door?

We began using space in the kitchen where I kept my mom calendar and a series of hanging pockets for school notes and other important papers. We expanded it by keeping my husband’s brief case near the exit when my husband left for work. As a matter of fact, I purchased a trendy soft-sided case for him to carry back and forth to work. Even though it was obviously a brief case, he jokingly referred to it as his purse. That worked. He placed his keys and wallet in it before going to bed, and I put his lunch in it each morning. Sarah, Kyle, and Anna soon followed his example by sitting their backpacks in the same area before they went to bed.

It’s important to stress that signed papers and homework where organized in those bags.

You can effectively develop your own Command Center or grab-and-go center in the most convenient room of your home. I often suggest families paint the inside of a kitchen cabinet door with chalkboard paint or hanging a dry erase board in the kitchen.  Use that handy space to post notes to each other. You can build a Command Center from there.

We don’t use a Command Center these days because our children are grown adults, and my husband has retired, but as I write this, I am convicted that it would be a great idea to initiate it again, even if only for my own organization.

For those of you who develop a Command Center as the result of our program and this blog, I invite you to contact us at McNay & Voth, www.coachadhd.com and let us know how you did it and how it is working for you.

Back to School for the Mom with ADHD

Here it is time to get kids ready for a new school term. It is a time that can be stressful for any mother. It is especially stressful for the mom who has ADHD herself.

It can all add up: school supplies, new clothes, completing enrollment, dreading the new routine.  

I am not a person with ADHD, but those traditional responsibilities put stress on me. I can only imagine what they do to the mom with ADHD.

Mothers with ADHD often have difficulty helping their kids get organized because they themselves struggle with basic organization in the home. Mothers may struggle so much they become super stringent and inflexible which can lead to arguments or tension each morning.

The thought of everyone going back to school may sound delicious to the ADHD mom until she stops and remembers the tension, swirl of activity, and even the arguments that take place many mornings as the household prepares for work and school.

For example, there is the mad dash to find shoes, backpacks, or car keys. Before that there may be the argument with the child who does not want to get out of bed or even go to school. As a person with ADHD herself, it may be the mom is walking around in a mental fog trying to think what she should do next.

A few of you may laugh, but you know who you are. You know it is all too true.

           This is the time the mom with ADHD should put herself first. Before mother can help her kids, she must think of several of her own needs:

                            

           If it is difficult to cook, feed the kids, and get out the door on time, the mom with ADHD might choose breakfast foods that are easy to prepare: peanut butter sandwiches and fruit smoothies, cheese sticks and sliced fruit, cold cereal with a high protein ingredient. 

            If she wants a clean kitchen before leaving for work, she can include time in the schedule to rinse cereals bowls and other utensils.  
 

I consistently recommend a Control Center in the house where mom can gather notes from teachers, garage book bags and other needed items, keep a record of upcoming appointments, and possibly keep her own purse and car keys. The Control Center helps mom and kids house items they will need every morning, and everyone can remember where to pick up those items. 

Along the lines of routine, moms with ADHD often do best with three or four easy steps such as dress, eat, brush teeth, leave.  For an added bonus, moms with ADHD might benefit from posting a morning schedule on white board.

My mother-in-law, whom we strongly suspicion was a person with ADHD, worked as a stay-home mom, and she had her own way of being organized as she rounded up four kids for elementary school. It challenged her to get herself ready for driving them to school, but she also had to cook breakfast, soothe bickering, and help dress four kids ages 10-5. Actually, Betty was somewhat casual about the whole ordeal. She didn’t worry about how clean her house looked or if she appeared to be a supermom.  She focused on the important: get them fed and out the door.  Not really knowing she provided structure for herself, she volunteered at the school each morning selling school supplies or acting as a teachers’ helper, and that gave her motivation to get herself together and get out the door.  Even we all four kids were in high school at the same time, she drove them to school, sometimes with her hair in rollers and in her nightgown. During the winter, she covered her gown with her fur coat and pulled on a pair of boots. I laugh when I think of how her teen-aged children reacted at her attire:  “For heaven’s sake mom, don’t get in an accident dressed like that, and if you do, don’t tell them you’re related to us.”

For more information on this topic, watch Dr. Atha on The Brett & Sierra Show:
http://www.kwch.com/brett-and-sierra-show/mcnay-voth-adhd-coaching-services/27322146

Building Self Esteem

This month we focused our local TV interviews on the problem of low self-esteem in women and girls with ADHD. 

Keep in mind that not all females with ADHD suffer with low self-esteem, but many do and the pain continues throughout the life time.

Women with ADHD in their 50’s and older often tell me, “Atha, it’s been like this all my life.”

You might ask, “How do we know the girl with ADHD has low self-esteem?”

That’s rather easy. She will tell us that: other kids do not like her at school, she cannot make new friends, the teacher and other students poke fun of her at school, or the kids at church seem to shut her out of the social interactions.

These types of statements hurt a parent’s heart. I know they hurt me whenever Anna said something similar.  I was ready to go to battle in her behalf. For instance, a youth minister’s wife once said she wanted to talk to me about Anna’s behavior during youth meetings.

“Before you begin,” I held up my hand. “Has anyone warned you about me? If you are concerned, I want to hear it. If you are going to complain, brace yourself.”

Fortunately she had a legitimate concern that I needed to address, and taking this back to self-esteem, parents want to know how they can help their child, teen, or young adult feel better about herself. The concern for Anna here had to do with social behavior that set her apart.

 Women's Self Esteem

For one suggestion, parents can help override low self-esteem with a basic mantra – brag, don’t nag.  I strongly recommend praise in areas where parents can do so genuinely: praise the girls sense of kindness, praise a skill in athletics, arts, music. Praise the girl when you catch her doing something outstanding. Praise the effort, not necessarily the outcome.

For another idea, girls benefit from the consistent support of parents who encourage when academic challenges seem overwhelming. Most communities have tutoring services or learning centers available, and many families contain members who are skilled in writing papers or working math problems. Either of these resources presents excellent support for learning the skills that challenge. The operant word is learning; it is not whether the girl earns straight A’s.

For a third suggestion, parents should be ready when the girl is put on the shelf socially. Parents can provide positive social settings such as at church, or a community organization. They can also help their daughter develop one-on-one friendships by overseeing her behavior with friends, by inviting a potential friend out for dinner or for an overnighter, or by taking part as a leader in church or community events.

One prominent social celebrity told me others often shut her out and poked fun of her when she was a child. “The pain is still with me,” she said. “I can’t imagine how bad it is for the ADHD girl in today’s technological world. Cyber bullies and hateful comments on Facebook means the girl cannot get away from it, even at home.”

One good friend can make a huge difference for the female with ADHD. So can staying alert to opportunities to express her unique talents.  As well, posting positive comments about herself around her living or work space will help her battle the urge to develop negative beliefs about herself.

Lastly and importantly, we know that ADHD coaching helps her set goals and be more effective in daily living.  Coaching helps females with ADHD of all ages with developmental skills, transitioning to adulthood, and with later adult functioning.