More Thoughts on Communication

My husband once yelled at me, “Do you know what it is like to be married to someone who is so damn efficient?

I merely smiled as I calmly replied, “No, Dear, I do not.”

What a moment! He walked head-on into my rejoin and laughter. It was a fantastic opportunity that allowed us time for brief conversation on why I have learned to increase my efficiency skills: namely his lack of efficiency.

Frankly, those types of opportunities do not happen often. They almost never happen when we can laugh together at the irony. Usually, my anger at his ADHD behaviors builds until I want to explode. I become cranky and difficult to live with.

How does one speak with the ADHD partner or teen about a consistent irritation without explosion and argument?

Begin at the beginning and build on the relationship when life is going smoothly. Gift your partner or teen with a sense of acceptance, which can go a long way in helping him or her realize personal uniqueness and strength.

After all the symptoms that comprise ADHD are merely that, symptoms, and symptoms can be controlled.

Praise and encouragement go a long way in building relationships. Praise your partner at home for small acts of courtesy and the times he or she follows through. Then, when you are in public with your partner, remain consistent in the manner in which you honor and respect in front of others.

Don’t criticize or embarrass your spouse in front of others. For one thing, you hurt that person deeply. For another, lacking internal control, he or she is likely to say something more hurtful or to hold a grudge for several years. Just don’t go there, and avoid the trouble

Love is an action word. Show and express genuine love for your partner. Smile, touch, and say “I love you.” Compliment his or her appearance. Husbands if your wife is a person with ADHD, she really needs to know that you find her attractive in ways other than sexual.  Let your partner know you value him or her.

I know how difficult it can be to maintain a pleasant attitude or smile when the partner or teen says something totally outrageous or inappropriate in public.  I know how to set boundaries before you enter a situation: “If you choose to make cutting comments to that individual this evening, know I will choose to walk out of the room.” Because I know these things, I can recommend you practice them, too.

You have likely heard that it is best to choose our battles wisely, which is more than excellent wisdom when living with the ADHD partner. Know your family member’s push buttons and resolutely avoid them because the person who will more likely remain in control is you.

Your partner or teen with ADHD has lived life feeling as if he or she is being backed into a corner. Throughout school and work, the individual has likely felt criticized, devalued, and generally put down. Often when he or she feels you are chastising or critical, he or she gets ready for a fight.

My husband has developed the art of cutting remarks, using a loud voice, and even bullying.  I had to learn to boldly tell him that I would not accept him talking to me in that manner.

I also had to learn how to pick the moment to tell him when something bothers me. Even after all these years, it is not always easy to do. I remember what his mother told me before we married. “When you want him to really know what you think or feel, chisel it on a piece of marble.” In her humorous way, she mimicked the size of the block of marble and how to chisel it. “Then,” she said with the cunning smile which is quite like his, “Lift it about this high and BLAM, hit him between the eyes with it.”

In a figurative manner, she told me not to leave our communication up to innuendos.