Monday, May 26, 2014

Woman in Battle


Our nation sets aside Memorial Day as the one official holiday to honor citizens, men and women, who served and died during war. When I was a child, we called it Decoration Day when folks put flowers on the graves of dead loved ones.

Today I use Memorial Day to lay verbal flowers at the feet of one particular citizen who fought in a unique war: Husband’s Grandmother, June Lutz.

Grandmother June is my hero for many reasons, but mainly for the 52 years she was wife to Grandpa Roy, a man with ADHD. Keep in mind that Grandpa was never officially diagnosed with the disorder; it wasn’t officially recognized while he was alive. However, I KNOW, I just know that he is one of the genetic reasons Husband is a person with ADHD.  It explains why Roy was who he was.

June told me she was enamored with Roy while a teen. She loved his mother for the same type of creative and unconventional behaviors she loved in Roy. When she was 18 years old, she married him, and I consider that the day she went to war.

Roy was creative, funny, and hilariously socially inappropriate at times. Whenever he made off-color remarks, June shrieked “Roy!!”, and we all laughed until the tears came.  It encouraged him to keep it up.

He also could be kind-hearted, generous, and loving which is one reason his three daughters adored him. But he had a problem for many years; he self-medicated with alcohol. He claimed he drank because of the pain of osteoarthritis in his legs, but I suggest there was more to it. When drunk, he was mean, and June and his daughters carefully skirted around the landmines of his anger and surliness.

As do many spouses with ADHD, Roy demonstrated an uncontrolled, sporadic indifference to their feelings and just about everything else. During the times he made strong willful efforts at being better, June forgave him.  When he was obstinate and hateful, she straightened her backbone and stood strong against him.

Even when he stopped drinking, she continued to be the resilient partner who brought in the family income during an era when mothers seldom worked outside the home.

As I think of my own battle weariness, I am reminded that June loved Roy and continually encouraged him. I think she would understand if I could explain why I choose to forgive Husband: his total disregard when I ask him to complete a chore, or even begin it, his lack of caring of my needs and wants. She would understand the frustration of living with a man who chooses not to tell the truth, and who blames all his failures on other people. Since that same man is her grandson, she might even threaten to wash his mouth out with soap as she did when he was a child.

I feel assured June would agree with me that wives of ADHD men must comprehend that their husbands have a low level and one-dimensional attention to task. One of my greatest realizations came when I comprehended that Husband did not behave that way on purpose. As long as I thought he personalized his behavior against me, our relationship was in trouble.

She would also understand why I continually focus on my husband’s strengths and good qualities. She would know that leaping from one negative thought to another and to another only ties my emotions into knots. It doesn’t move us forward toward victory.

June was a child during World War I and a responsible adult during World War II.  First hand, she knew the value of being willing to fight for the things she believed in, which in this case was her marriage.

ADD is not easy for persons who have it or for those who live with them! That's why all ADHD marriages can benefit from the support of someone who truly understands the pressures associated with ADHD behaviors.  I invite battle-weary spouses to contact McNay &Voth where we can custom build strategies to help your marriages.

 

Saturday, May 17, 2014

What Does It Mean to Survive?




Regarding our mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, a reader inquired whether being the parent of a child with ADHD potentially threatens parents’ lives.

She was joking with me, but her point brings up an issue we should discuss.

What does being a parent of a child with ADHD do to or for the mother or father? Does it cause anxiety or nervous breakdowns? Does it result in deep depression and sense of failure?

Possibly the response is not that severe, but it can give rise to tension, frustration, and even anger. I stress the anger part because the exasperation of living with a child with constant behavior challenges can result in the parent reaching the end of his or her rope. The ADHD child can raise the dimensions on bad behavior.

When caring for a child with ADHD, a parent becomes the manager of the total intervention or treatment program, serves  as an advocate for the child at school and home, or probably oversees medication when necessary.  I suggest that survival means that the parent wears many hats and learns proven ways to handle his or her own struggles and frustrations.

First, the parent must learn as much as possible about this disorder known as ADHD. What does it mean that your child is a person with ADHD? How did this happen to him or her? Will he or she outgrow it? Since ADHD is a neurobiological reality, parents in the know come to realize that their children with ADHD are not broken. They merely are different.

Second, parents must understand their children’s personalities. As a parent, you are an expert on your child’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and emotions over the long haul of life. Each child with ADHD posses his or her own unique personality, and each personality brings color and texture to life.

Third, a parent should concentrate on the child’s strengths as opposed to what he or she does wrong. It could be that strength is his or her sense of kindness, or intelligence. Maybe it is a creative talent in music or art or even a specific academic field. Persons with ADHD can successfully build on their skills and strengths as they develop new behavior and inner control . 

Lastly, wise parents will closely evaluate their expectations for the child with ADHD. Do parental frustrations stem from a disconnect between who the child is and who the parent wants him or her to be? Does the parent expect the child to “fix” himself or herself, or does the parent willing step in to help? Is there worry that others will think the parent has failed at being a good parent?

McNay & Voth’s mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, touches several pain points parents often feel with and for their children with ADHD.  If you’ve not viewed our practical recommendations, we invite you to find them at http://www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html.

 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Girls with ADHD



During our latest segment on the Brett and Sierra Show (CW Channel 5), Brett Harris asked me about the difference in ADHD between boys and girls. Sierra even said she always thought ADHD is just found in boys.
Not so; although when the symptoms were known as Minimal Brain Dysfunction, the concept was related only to boys.




However, since the late-1980’s, when professionals and researchers began using the term Attention Deficit, they realized girls can also be persons with ADHD, and the gender differences became quite apparent.
In answer to Brett’s question, girls tend to be less hyperactive and less aggressive than boys, and they tend to cause fewer distractions and problems in the elementary school setting.

Many girls now grown to be women say similar things; the pattern in school could have been identified in their younger years, but parents and professionals did not recognize it, or even think to look for it. In elementary school, the complacent but inattentive girl tends to work harder to please her parents and teachers. In younger girls, the symptoms may not even be evident before the girl reaches seven or eight years of age.

My youngest daughter, Baby Sis, was the kind of little girl who was hyper at home, but less so at school. Her elementary-school days were miserable for her in many ways. It took additional effort for her to maintain a focus, concentration, and block out distracting noise. We thought she probably was a child with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), but we didn’t have her professionally diagnosed at that time. Her Dad did not want her taking medication for it.

I didn’t have time on the segment to further say that ADHD in girls and women really raises its head when girls progress into middle school and high school. They lag behind in social skills, and they experience more social rejection. 

Baby Sis experienced social rejection from about third grade upward into high school. My heart hurts when I remember how sad and defensive her little face looked when she exited school most days. “They don’t like me,” she often said. I automatically knew to look for cognitive fatigue when she got home, and even when she was a teen, I often put her down for a short nap before she did anything else.

In middle school the girl with ADHD may demonstrate increased disorganization, forgetfulness, and frustration. Middle school intensifies the demands of basic academic performance and homework gets more demanding. Social cues become more mysterious. Complexities in the social realm lead to more and more pressures that set hurdles for self-esteem and growth in self-confidence.

I recommend that teachers and parents do not merely associate these symptoms with puberty and hormonal changes.  It may be ADHD.
Middle school and high school present excellent backdrops for a girl with ADHD to get coaching on how to move past the challenges linked with school and social pressures.   



We invite you to visit this link and find our offer for an online mini course. After you complete the course, contact us and learn how we can help the person with ADHD or his/her family. McNay & Voth ADHD Services provides the style of coaching a girl should have as she transitions into adulthood and college years.