What Does It Mean to Survive?

Regarding our mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, a reader inquired whether being the parent of a child with ADHD potentially threatens parents’ lives.

She was joking with me, but her point brings up an issue we should discuss.

What does being a parent of a child with ADHD do to or for the mother or father? Does it cause anxiety or nervous breakdowns? Does it result in deep depression and sense of failure?

Possibly the response is not that severe, but it can give rise to tension, frustration, and even anger. I stress the anger part because the exasperation of living with a child with constant behavior challenges can result in the parent reaching the end of his or her rope. The ADHD child can raise the dimensions on bad behavior.

When caring for a child with ADHD, a parent becomes the manager of the total intervention or treatment program, serves  as an advocate for the child at school and home, or probably oversees medication when necessary.  I suggest that survival means that the parent wears many hats and learns proven ways to handle his or her own struggles and frustrations.

First, the parent must learn as much as possible about this disorder known as ADHD. What does it mean that your child is a person with ADHD? How did this happen to him or her? Will he or she outgrow it? Since ADHD is a neurobiological reality, parents in the know come to realize that their children with ADHD are not broken. They merely are different.

Second, parents must understand their children’s personalities. As a parent, you are an expert on your child’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and emotions over the long haul of life. Each child with ADHD posses his or her own unique personality, and each personality brings color and texture to life.

Third, a parent should concentrate on the child’s strengths as opposed to what he or she does wrong. It could be that strength is his or her sense of kindness, or intelligence. Maybe it is a creative talent in music or art or even a specific academic field. Persons with ADHD can successfully build on their skills and strengths as they develop new behavior and inner control . 

Lastly, wise parents will closely evaluate their expectations for the child with ADHD. Do parental frustrations stem from a disconnect between who the child is and who the parent wants him or her to be? Does the parent expect the child to “fix” himself or herself, or does the parent willing step in to help? Is there worry that others will think the parent has failed at being a good parent?

McNay & Voth’s mini course, A Mother’s Survival Guide for ADHD, touches several pain points parents often feel with and for their children with ADHD.  If you’ve not viewed our practical recommendations, we invite you to find them at http://www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html.

 

Girls with ADHD

During our latest segment on the Brett and Sierra Show (CW Channel 5), Brett Harris asked me about the difference in ADHD between boys and girls. Sierra even said she always thought ADHD is just found in boys.

Not so; although when the symptoms were known as Minimal Brain Dysfunction, the concept was related only to boys.

Watch HERE

However, since the late-1980’s, when professionals and researchers began using the term Attention Deficit, they realized girls can also be persons with ADHD, and the gender differences became quite apparent.

In answer to Brett’s question, girls tend to be less hyperactive and less aggressive than boys, and they tend to cause fewer distractions and problems in the elementary school setting.

Many girls now grown to be women say similar things; the pattern in school could have been identified in their younger years, but parents and professionals did not recognize it, or even think to look for it. In elementary school, the complacent but inattentive girl tends to work harder to please her parents and teachers. In younger girls, the symptoms may not even be evident before the girl reaches seven or eight years of age.

My youngest daughter, Baby Sis, was the kind of little girl who was hyper at home, but less so at school. Her elementary-school days were miserable for her in many ways. It took additional effort for her to maintain a focus, concentration, and block out distracting noise. We thought she probably was a child with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), but we didn’t have her professionally diagnosed at that time. Her Dad did not want her taking medication for it.

I didn’t have time on the segment to further say that ADHD in girls and women really raises its head when girls progress into middle school and high school. They lag behind in social skills, and they experience more social rejection. 

Baby Sis experienced social rejection from about third grade upward into high school. My heart hurts when I remember how sad and defensive her little face looked when she exited school most days. “They don’t like me,” she often said. I automatically knew to look for cognitive fatigue when she got home, and even when she was a teen, I often put her down for a short nap before she did anything else.

In middle school the girl with ADHD may demonstrate increased disorganization, forgetfulness, and frustration. Middle school intensifies the demands of basic academic performance and homework gets more demanding. Social cues become more mysterious. Complexities in the social realm lead to more and more pressures that set hurdles for self-esteem and growth in self-confidence.

I recommend that teachers and parents do not merely associate these symptoms with puberty and hormonal changes.  It may be ADHD.

Middle school and high school present excellent backdrops for a girl with ADHD to get coaching on how to move past the challenges linked with school and social pressures.   

We invite you to visit this link and find our offer for an online mini course. After you complete the course, contact us and learn how we can help the person with ADHD or his/her family. McNay & Voth ADHD Services provides the style of coaching a girl should have as she transitions into adulthood and college years.

This Mother’s Survival Guide

If you’ve followed my blogs over the past couple of years, you know I try to insert as much humor as I can into the concept of living with ADHD.

It’s a fact that persons with ADHD can be funny and the situations that affect the family can be side-splitting hilarious. For instance I wrote about my daughter with ADHD who liked to pretend she was a mannequin, and how her impulsive actions or comments cause us to literally bend over with laughter.

I’ve also written numerous examples of how Hubby with ADHD thought and behaved totally outside the box in the earlier days of our marriage.

My soul still bears the marks and bruises of some of those actions.

But today I share another truth about ADHD in either yourself or your family member: the behaviors and symptoms associated with attention deficit often bring dilemmas and aches. One of my acquaintances calls them pain points.

Because of pain points and the daily struggles my readers face, I created a convenient mini course A Mother’s Survival Guide to ADHD.

In it I cover such topics as:

        ADHD’s long, credible history

        ADHD families suffer in silence

        Simplifying the stress

        Building positive behaviors

And several other practical topics

I endeavor to touch on some of the pain points families with ADHD encounter on a daily basis, and I offer solutions or remedies to help families find ways to alleviate the pain.

I hope to interact with you at one of your pain points and gift you with support and encouragement.

A few of the solutions I recommend include:

Learn the unique ways your family member brings color and texture to a linear world.

You can bring order to chaos and bring space to your life.

Parents and children can learn to be partners for successful behavior management.

You will hear me say such things as:

The first medical writings on symptoms similar to what we now know as ADHD began to appear in the late 1790’s in the works of Sir Alexander Crichton, a Scottish physician, when he described persons who are distracted from attending fully to a task or object.  Sir Crichton said “When born with (this set of behaviors) , it becomes evident at a very early period of life, and has a very bad effect, inasmuch as it renders him incapable of attending with constancy to any one object of education. But it seldom is in so great a degree as totally to impede all instruction”. 

Wise parents learn how to pick their battles and remain calm in escalating situations. Experienced parents learn to identify behavior triggers. Successful parents know that a sense of humor helps to defuse potentially explosive situations. It also helps parents maintain a positive perspective on the situation. Remember, sarcasm is not a form of communication.

These only touch the tip of the wealth of information that you will discover in the mini course, information I learned from both scholarly studies and from nearly one-half century of personal experience.

You can find it on our web page at www.coachadhd.com/joomla3/courses.html, and I invite you to take time now to obtain the course and to recommend it to friends with similar struggles.

If you have other questions, phone us at 316-655-9807316-655-9807 or 316-6557079.

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Tax Day

April 15^th. The dreaded Tax Day. Possibly you’re among many tax-paying Americans who don’t dread the deadline to file your Income Tax forms. You’re done, and your tax return is in the mail.  If so, then congratulations.

However, for many adults with ADHD, filing tax forms often brings a sense of guilt or gnaw of defense and plethora of excuses as to why the forms are not ready to mail by midnight. On the other hand, the same adult can take heart.  You can easily overcome tax quandaries this year and can be ready for next year’s tax season.

If you’re not ready to file you tax forms this year, quickly expend the time and effort to consult a tax preparation specialist, and learn how you can file for an extension. If you have the forms, but not the money you need to pay, talk to the tax specialist on how you can file now and pay later.

Keep the promise to yourself that you will be ready earlier next year to get your tax forms done on time. Orderly record keeping may not be the most interesting project for you to carry out, but it can be done. When tax time rolls over us, it's important to have a head start on the process of filing.

Whatever it might be, your personal system for organization can serve you well in your record keeping. Possibly for you, it is a simple matter of a large paper grocery bag. I’m not kidding; I saw it work well for a late friend. She was a professional, and she made a super income. She just did not like to take on the challenge of sorting papers related to income tax. The current year’s brown sack sat on the corner of her desk.

Any paper, bill, receipt she thought might be related to taxes went into the sack. “I take it to my tax lady and let her sort out the important ones,” she told me when I laughed at her system. “That’s what I pay her to do.”  It worked. No guess work as to what the tax preparation specialist might need.

Other persons find that they do well with color-coded files, and they make them simple in case another member of the family may need to get to the information. Pick a color that matches your concept of what goes in the file. For example, red is often associated with medical expenses. Yellow is matched with contributions and charity donations. Whichever color you use, it must remind you of the content. Keep these files in a crate or desk drawer that you will see each month. Whenever a tax record comes across your desk that month, file it immediately in the correct file folder. Other persons use open small baskets or containers of different colors. Open baskets allow for a quick toss when sorting important pieces of information.

Of course, you need an incentive for filing those papers each month, so think how you might reward yourself when you do. Undeniably, you are bribing yourself to do something that needs to be done anyway, but persons with ADHD often focus better on any task when there is have a reward or reason for doing so. I expect you will know exactly what works well as an incentive for you.

 

 

 

An Interview for the Holidays

An opportunity to work with KWCH TV station affords opportunities for our monthly interview on and sponsorship of The Brett and Sierra Show, a community program for persons throughout the Wichita viewing area.

Our latest show on December 3, 2013 allowed us to talk generally about the holiday season and ADHD. Read this brief summary of that conversation, then use the link at the bottom of this page, and watch the interview for yourself.

Brett: Things during the holidays can become hectic for all people. For families that include persons with ADHD, it can be additional struggles. How do the holidays often affect family members with ADHD?

Dr. Atha:  Since it is often the mother who does the planning and the details of preparation, a mother with ADHD is often overwhelmed and undulated by the responsibilities. If there is a father with ADHD, he may become stressed and angry because of the extra money spent during the season. Of course children with ADHD are usually excited about Christmas or the holidays. A child with ADHD may exhibit acting out behaviors.

Sierra: What might we do to soften those worries?

Dr. Atha: If you invite a person to your home for a holiday party, or if the person is a family member, the individual will need options for different activities during the gathering. For instance have several venues such as a set of board games, a food table, a conversation pit, so the individual has reasons to move around without becoming stabilized. It is also a good idea to be aware of the different personalities you have invited to the party.

Sierra: What can do to help our friends with ADHD complete tasks during the holidays?

Dr. Atha: I like to tell people to KISS it – that is Keep it Simple and Simple. Don’t overdue. Don’t over-commit. Not every tradition has your name on it. A close friend or family member can be the gentle accountability person. Give daily reminders. It is so sweet to have a friend ask “What can I do to help?”

Brett: Dr. Atha, you personally know about how ADHD can affect families since your family includes persons with ADHD. What suggestions do you have for families? What does your agency do to help families with ADHD?

Dr. Atha: We ask a lot of questions: “What are your concerns? What has worked for you? What has not worked for you?” We find that families and individuals know more about the solutions to their concerns than they initially think. We don’t tell people what to do; we work with them to discover the answers deep inside themselves.

Did this interview pique your curiosity? Hear more about our conversation by using the link below.

Our next interview will be Tuesday, January 7, 2014. Watch for us at 4:30 PM on Channel 5.

http://www.kwch.com/brett-and-sierra-show/support-those-with-adhd-during-busy-holiday-season/-/22489676/23275288/-/v46wy/-/index.html

 

 

Only One Martha Stewart

Thanks to ADDitude Magazine, I think of Martha Stewart who has made a fantastic name for herself as an American icon of business. In fact, as early as her teen years, she began showing her hand at being a business woman when she worked as a fashion model and in advertising.

Today she is the guru of homemaking and home décor. I don’t know of many women who dislike her style and elegance. Possibly a few resent her perfection, but it seems likely a majority of American woman drool each time they read her magazine or watch her on TV.

She is one of the richest women in America, and when I see her displays, I wonder how many employees worked ridiculously long hours creating and artistically styling holiday decorations both indoors and out-of-doors for the amazement of the audience. Obviously she can afford to hire it done.

For that reason, I resent the turmoil that takes place deep inside me whenever I read her magazine. In fact, the turmoil is so deep, I’ve stopped watching her on TV. I don’t even know if she still airs shows on TV.

I do know that a Martha presentation in my house would take extra hands to help me, and those hands are not available. Money isn’t always available, either.

Yes, Husband is multi-talented and has an eye for artistic arrangements. No, he is not willing to help when I come up with a project that requires his help.

After all, it is not his idea.

Is it ADD or personality, I always ask you and me? I give much of the credit to his oppositional defiance that is part of his ADD. If asked to do something that takes extra energy and effort, and if it is not his idea, he won’t take part.

He shows his stubbornness or purposely does a faulty job, both of which have hurt my feelings countless times.

In the days when I hosted every Christmas get-together for his family, I asked him to paint a small spot on the wall leading upstairs. It was an obvious patch job that had not been finished, and I had been asking him for weeks to get it done. OK, you are not surprised that my Husband with ADHD had not completed a task. When he finally did (about an hour before they arrived), he applied blue paint to a yellow wall. Even a person who is as color-blind as he is could see the startling contrast.

“You used BLUE paint?” I asked incredulously.

“Why not. It’s painted now, isn’t it? After all, it’s just my family.”

“It isn’t for your family, it’s for me,” I nearly screeched. “You were to complete that job because it means something to me.”

I think he walked away mumbling that had I wanted it yellow, I should have painted it myself. Good point.

Martha would have hung the perfect wreath on that same wall. I left the blue patch in hopes someone would comment on it.

Another Christmas, I purchased the materials for Husband to help me build a Barbie house for Oldest Daughter. We couldn’t afford one that was commercially made, and I wasn’t certain how to construct it.

“Why do you want to do something as silly as that? She doesn’t need a doll house.”

“Yes, she does. She plays with her Barbie dolls all the time. It merely needs to be opened on one side with two floors and a pitched roof. I have furniture for it.”

It ended up being hastily thrown together and not at all what I had designed. He painted it in the same blue.

So why I am writing about this? Along with resolving to avoid being Martha, I made another resolve: stop asking him to help with my projects. Of course, that is exactly what he wanted me to do, and it certainly makes for a less-frustrating marriage arrangement.

With the holidays upon us, I offer this advice to the spouse, and I point this mainly at wives, of a person with ADHD. You might need to lower your expectations this year. Stop drooling. Relax. If your spouse will not help with your holiday ideas, let them go, or modify them to your own time and skills. If your ADHD spouse likes projects, begin now for next year. Don’t wait until the last few days before the holidays for putting your ideas in motion.

I doubt even Martha Stewart does last-minute projects.

 

 

 

New Mercies We See

This morning, I was thrilled when Julie, our worship leader, invited the congregation to sing the favorite old hymn, Great is Thy Faithfulness.

My friend, Patty, and I usually tell each other when we sing it in our separate worship services, so I thought I would be texting her to say that we sang it. Instead, I’m sharing it with my readers.

“We’re going to sing all three stanzas,” Julie said. And then the pianist played through the chorus as we prepared to sing. Of course, Husband sang the words to it as she played.

He doesn’t sing or whisper in a quiet voice, and when he got to the last two measures, where the words are “Lord, unto me,” he changed the words, ”Sing all three verses.”

I laughed loudly and continued to laugh as the others sang “Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father.”  I mean it; I laughed a full chuckle and my shoulders shook. It was a splendid moment.

It was all I could do to concentrate on “There is no shadow of turning with Thee.”

Husband ignored me and sand with gusto. He glanced at me as if to say “What?”

When he gets into a song of any genre, he sings with gusto as if throwing his full soul into the words and the music itself.

This is the man I once knew, many years ago, before depression robbed him of spontaneous, impulsive retorts and comments and humor. “Thy compassions, they fail not. As thou hast been thou forever wilt be.”

It’s been several months since this side of him as shown its face.  Is it the new antidepressant? He claims he doesn’t feel much different since he began taking it this week, but I see glimpses that indicate something positive is happening.

If it’s not the new medication, possibly it was the clear bright white sunshine that accompanied us to church.  I hope it is a combination of both.

The song was perfect for today’s moments: “Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above join with all nature in manifold witness to thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love.”

If the depression lifts even a small amount, it is a reason to rejoice and thank God for our tremendous psychiatrist and the chemical knowledge known to raise the natural compounds in his brain.

But if it doesn’t lift much, there is always reason to thank God for the doctor and God’s generous goodness to us. “Great is they faithfulness. Morning by morning new mercies I see.”

Today’s scene was a new mercy for the day. “All I have needed, thy hand hath provided.”

That’s it in a nutshell. All we have needed, God is faithful and willing to supply it. And that can mean a quick impulsive humor or the joy of a hearty laugh.

I share today’s moment for all my friends who are persons with ADHD and who also struggle with depression of any degree. At McNay & Voth ADHD Services, we desire to encourage persons with ADHD and their families in their daily struggles. We invite you to contact us, so we can help you identify a moment God has provided for you.