Apple Pie and Family Connections

When we first married, I told Husband many stories about my precious and wonderful extended family. I am related to some really neat and admirable people on both sides of my family lines.

Usually though, I talked more about my Mother’s people because they lived nearby as I grew up.

“You should meet my Aunt Margret,” I would often tell him.

“I hope to do that one day. From everything you say about her, she modeled neatness and orderliness for you more than your Mom did.”

“Oh, yes. Aunt Margret was the utmost in being an aunt, even though she was Mother’s sister-in-law. She loved me. I learned much from watching her.”

“And you said she was a great cook. That’s the most interesting part about her.”

“Yes, and I should tell you about her apple pie. She made homemade applesauce for her pies then filled pie shells with it. By fill, I mean over the top which she crowned with lattice crust.”

“Really ? It sounds good.”

“Oh, it was better than good, and Mother told me Margret learned how to bake and cook from my Grandmother Dutton.”

She made pies and fried chicken from the recipes taught her by her Mother-in-law, my grandmother that I never knew.

It was a connection. Do you know what I mean?

My Grandmother died four years before I was born. I only knew her through Mother’s stories and memories.

It was not the same.

But hardcore connections like apple pie constructed with pristine detail built a bridge. So did the stories of how Grandmother would attempt to redirect the temper and stubbornness she often saw in my Mother.

Grandmother was neat, tidy, and wise in many ways.

“This family-connection thing is really important,” I told Husband. “It gives me a sense of my own identity. It gives me a sense of heredity for me and my children. I know this is not a new concept, but it is poignant to me.”

Now comes the part where I relate this ADHD.

Family ties and structure help persons with ADHD perform more effectively toward their individual potential.

ADHD may be said to be a family-based or genetic disorder, which means many persons within the same unit struggle with similar life issues and challenges. In that case, family life may seem a bit more chaotic.

But that does not negate the fact that family structure is the most foundational social unit. Family structure and strictness provides a strut for the child or teen with ADHD, and that strut provides a guide for living up to potential.

Last night I talked with my cousin, Aunt Margret’s daughter who lives in Georgia. “I would give anything to be across a table from you now, eating bologna sandwiches and chips, and drinking Pepsi.” I told her. “And don’t forget the Hydrox Cookies.”

We both cried real tears at the memory.

That’s what I call a family connection.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

 

 

 

Structure and Security

Seriously, I planned to blog about additional effects of depression in the life of the person with ADHD.

Then I saw a picture posted in Face Book of my friend Mary Beth teaching a group of children in church today. It was the story of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ.

“Holy Cow!” I thought with no irreverence intended. “I can totally imagine her soft southern accent and the conviction in her voice as she shares with young lives the same truths taught to her as a child.”

My mind is drawn to how I have shared the same joyous truths with my family members who are persons with ADHD.

Husband did not know or believe the Good News when we married, but shortly after the wedding, he came to me with questions on what would happen if he died.

That is when I shared Scripture with him and showed him God’s plan for eternal life.

Husband believed and accepted it for himself and read the Bible thoroughly twice in one year.

When we went to church meetings he listened intently and would whisper loudly to me about all he was learning. “Shit!” he once exclaimed. “That makes sense.”  I knew God understood Husband’s use of the expletive.

In spite of other times when his humorously inappropriate earthy expressions left his mouth, it was obvious that the truths of God’s love for him and all the people of the world began to instill a sense of sanctuary within his inner being that counteracted some of the turmoil resulting from his struggles with attention and acceptance.

It was natural for us, then, to take our children to church to be taught by Patricia and Harold, Betty and Lyle, Guy and Willa, Louise, and others who did for them exactly as Mary Beth did for children today.

Baby Sis is our third child, and she took to spiritual teaching with a natural curiosity.  She still does as truths from the Bible also help soothe the inner turmoil she experiences as a person with ADHD.

Actually, when she was around nine years old, she attempted to point out to the rest of us that we have sins in our lives that we should confess and make right with God.

The only problem is that she did not point to any of her own offenses and wrong doing.  When I inquired about them, she said, “Well, I don’t have any. It is you guys that have problems.”

It suffices to say that I used that for a good teaching moment.

So tying these memories to the beast, Depression, who is daily an unwelcomed visitor in our home, I must state publicly that without the security of knowing spiritual truth, my family with or without ADHD would be adrift in a vast and turbulent ocean without any means of getting back to shore.

Many persons with ADHD deal with the effects of depression, and many of them have not found the structure and security that come from knowing God’s truth and plan for all persons.  I wish they would ask me to share it with them.

However, whether persons do or do not want to hear about God, at McNay&Voth we offer our expertise and skills to help persons with ADHD. We lead them to set and meet personal goals which will help them develop structure and security as they move forward in life.

We invite persons with ADHD or their family members to contact us at www.coachadhd.com , or phone 316-655-9807. We want to be encouragers.

Mental Health Professional

Peggy, I want to climb the tallest mountain, speak the loudest, or push the farthest,” I might tell my friend, Peggy B.

And depending on the topic, “Well, I am not sure about that,” Peggy B has been known to respond to my adventurous ideas.

More than 20 years ago my life was blessed when I met Peggy B at our neighborhood Bible Study Fellowship Class.

Our daughters, who are about a month apart in age, went to middle school and high school together, and she was a person with whom I really wanted to form a friendship.

For several years we got together weekly in our homes as our schedules allowed, so we could pray for our husbands, children, and world events.

It is a huge under-statement to say that Peggy B has, does, and will continue to bless my life with vast wisdom and knowledge.

She also laughs heartily with me about the many humorous events we see in our daily lives.

So as you look at the title of this blog, you may wonder: “What does Peggy B have to do with mental health professionals?”

Good question. During the earlier days of our association, Peggy herself often visited qualified counselors for help dealing with personal challenges.  Her positive experiences led to her choose her own profession as a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist (LFMFT).

She’s applied what she knows to me more than once.

For example, when she realized I wanted to make decisions for whether my Mother got out of her house more, Peggy B politely told me to butt out of it: “Athalene, you are NOT responsible for your mother’s social life.”  

And because I was too shocked by this to utter a sound, she quickly repeated it. “Did you hear me? I said you are not responsible for whether she has a social life.”

Another time when discussing a documentary on a former President, Peggy B told me, “I think you are too naïve. I would have expected you to see through the comments made about him.”

“ Ah, ahumpf, bttt,” I spluttered because her reaction rang true. And I knew it took a true friend to be that honest with me.

I am certain she is highly professional with her clients, although she will remain honest. I don’t know if they realize how fortunate they are to work with her.

She is a real person.

I appreciate the standards and qualities of many mental health professionals in and around my city, Wichita. They know much about their fields, and they follow the high ethical standards associated with their professions.

When it comes to ADHD, I recommend my clients seek additional help or get diagnosed from one of our truly exceptional mental health specialists. I even reserve the right to recommend the name of the one of the best in our community for special cases.

For one reason, I want people who suspect they are persons with ADHD to have a diagnosis that is as accurate as possible.

If persons with ADHD take medications, I want them to work with physicians who truly know and understand the science of medications. As one psychiatrist told me, “It is not exact for every person. We must work on an individual basis.”

Most importantly, it is important that whether they work with their physician, a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or a psychiatrist, learning skills that move them along in life is more important than the pills they take.

It’s more about the skills than the pills.

At McNay&Voth ADHD Services, we exist to help persons with ADHD move forward in life while living up to their vast potentials. We do not counsel or offer therapy, but we do offer coaching that is proven to help persons set and meet personal goals.

If you or friends are interested in knowing more about ADHD coaching, please contact us at www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We would love to hear from you.

If you want to contact me to hear stories about my wonderful friend, Peggy B, please contact me. I would love to share.

 

 

 

 

Women and Girls with ADHD

 

“I am afraid I am going to fail again.”

“I am tired of being a failure.”

“I just do not want to fail anymore.”

These are direct quotes I get when talking with women and girls who are persons with ADHD. The diagnosis of ADHD came from qualified mental health professionals, but the feelings of failure came from life.

The fear resulted from the years when these females experienced functioning problems in all types of social and family settings.

In school, girls with ADHD often get lost in the goings-on of the classroom.

“I was the perfect little girl,” a woman recently told me. “I obeyed all the rules, and I was kind. However, I just didn’t seem to understand what was going on most of the time. I felt lost or out of it.”

 “Other than school, what was your life like?” I asked.

“You mean at home? It wasn’t much better. My bedroom looked like a storm had taken place in it,” she told me.

Hurricane syndrome is my own favorite term for it. Of course, many people live in Hurricane Rooms, but they are persons with ADHD.

Another woman said, “I am rather quiet now, but as a kid, I was really hyper. Teachers had a hard time getting me to sit on my butt. I preferred to sit on my knees with my feet over the back of the chair. One teacher complained that I showed my panties all the time as if showing my panties was the worst thing going on with me.”

“I understand what you are saying, but exposed panties really are socially inappropriate, and teachers prefer socially appropriate behavior.”

She laughed along with me at my dry humor.

Teachers also prefer time management when homework gets turned in on time, or the student arrives at school on time. Bosses also prefer assignments completed per deadline and employees who are working at their desks on time.

Women with ADHD share they often fail to manage time or tasks well.

At least two women tell me they had their first babies at ages 16 and 17.

“So was it because a boy paid attention to you and said nice things to you?”

“No,” said the first one. “It was an impulsive decision. I didn’t stop to think through the consequences or even the right and wrong of it. I guess we call it immediate gratification.” She paused before she continued, “Yeah, gratification that came with a huge belly ache during labor.”

One of the saddest parts of our conversations centers on how these women think their children dislike or mock them because of the ADHD.

“So, which one of them is ADHD? Remember it is a genetic-based disorder.”

I like to throw that one at the children who talk to me about their ADHD parents. It’s to say, “Be careful. Your future kids may say the same thing about you one day.”

I’m rewarded when I see their faces contort with pain and apprehension.

If you are a female with ADHD, and you experience the confusion and disappointments associated with ADHD, we invite you to visit McNay&Voth.

We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.conm or phone 316-771-7557.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay&Voth Gateway Community

 

Can You Help a Woman with ADHD?

The pleasant voice on the other end of the phone asked two simple questions:

“Do you think you can help a woman with ADHD? Do you think you can help an older woman?”

“Yes,” I responded to both questions with one simple positive.

Quite often, I hear from women and girls – from females- who are persons with ADHD. They seek help, and they want to know someone understands the pressures and challenges they face.

As one lovely young woman told me, “You get it! You don’t scold me or laugh at me.”

And why should I scold or even laugh? ADHD is not funny although individuals with ADHD can be quite clever and funny.

Why should I admonish? I am not in the business of being bossy.

I don’t scold or admonish my own daughter with ADHD.  In fact, I think she is quite clever and intelligent. She makes me laugh like no other person.

Yet, I know she struggles with making goals and finding the perfect niche in her life.

I know she struggles with depression and a poor sense of who she can be.

When I see her struggles I think about the many teachers who graced her life. Several did not understand that she struggled to maintain her attention; other teachers had a sense of her talents.

One teacher in particular did not understand why she had a hard time sitting still in circle time.

However, her wonderful preschool teacher, Melinda Wren, fully understood and even taught me a thing or two about my daughter’s need to remain active.

“She listens more attentively sitting at the book area than most of the other kids do sitting still in the circle.”

Bless Melinda. I love her for her wisdom.

Again, when I see my daughter’s struggles, thoughts of her myriad of talents rush through my own mind.

I am not merely being her mom. I am honestly aware of her potential. The problem is that she has so much rushing through her own brain, she cannot get it under control.

In school, girls and women find they are often confused and wonder what others know that they do not know. They struggle with inattentiveness, frustration, time-management, and even disorder.

In teen social situations, they wonder what causes others’ rejection of them, or they take huge social risks just to feel accepted or to be like everyone else.

Yet, I am convinced that females with ADHD bring color and texture to any social situation. They make fantastic mothers as they lead their children to experience countless life-enriching experiences. They make super physicians, lawyers, fire fighters, law enforcement, teachers, and all types of professionals.

It is matter of learning the skills necessary for success. As our motto says: Success through self-determination and encouragement.

If anyone reading this blog is a girl or woman who wants help with her ADHD, I invite her to contact me at McNay&Voth ADHD Coaching Services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

I sincerely want to help you with your ADHD concerns.

 

 

Depression Isn’t Straight Forward and Other Quotes

Sometimes I flutter like a humming bird or hovercraft when I see Husband retreat to a dark room or space where he can be all alone,

My usual and sterile question is always: “How do you feel today?”

And he will respond: “I don’t feel well.”

Of course, because I am really quite limited in responses, I continue with: “Are you hurting somewhere? Is it your body or your spirit?”

“It is in my spirit,” he tells me.

Will Rogers once said: “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”  However, it seems I miss many good changes. I keep on asking invasive questions.

“What do you want me to do for you?”

Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784, is one of the most quoted English writers after William Shakespeare. Personally, I find Johnson easier to understand. In his wise way, he wrote: “People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.”

And I suggest this is true when it comes to depression. People who are depressed need to be reminded that they are valuable.

So how can I remind Husband he is the most valuable of all people to me?  A hamburger from his favorite fast-food restaurant? Sitting with him through the umpteenth baseball game on TV? Sharing chatter I learned from our friends? At times, I am not certain. To quote Will Rogers again, I must remember that “when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”

Someone sent me this quote from Stephen Fry: “If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It is hard to be a friend to someone who is depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

Like other persons who have depressed family members, I really do want to be a friend to Husband.

And as I mentioned before, I think humor is one way to demonstrate friendship. Mark Twain believed humor is humankind’s greatest blessing, and he said: “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

One of my daughters cautions me not to always sound like an expert, even though I am one. So let me make this suggestion without sounding like a know-it-all. Have you laughed today? Remember that laughter relieves physical tension and stress. It boosts the immune system, decreases stress hormones, and improves your resistance to disease. Laughter releases endorphins, and promotes an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. As an added bonus, it protects the heart as it improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you.

“What do you think about laughter and humor?” I recently asked Husband.

He literally rolled his eyes upward: “It is necessary to raise your sense of well-being.”

“We haven’t laughed much lately,” I commented.

He smiled and laughed at that comment.

But we have spent many hours sitting together in silence or in brief conversations. I have held his hand, or brought him a glass of ice water. I know those are little things; I am trying to be his friend.

This weekend, we watched a show on life in Hawaii where we discovered that the Monk Seal is the only one native to Hawaii. Husband immediate response: “Does that mean they are Catholic or Buddhist?”  We laughed at a tiny piece of silliness, but at least we laughed.

 

 

Aunt Ruthie, Chemical Imbalance, and Jokes

I’ve never before told you about my Aunt Ruth and my Mother, Naomi, the Dutton
Sisters who loved each other more than I can ever describe for you.

It’s enough to say their unique friendship and relationship always made me yearn for a sister of my own. They made it seem that being sisters was the best thing in the world. Because Mother loved Ruth so deeply, I thought my Aunt Ruthie, as I called her, was the utmost in terms of being doting and special. She was funny, kind, witty, sweet, and hilarious. Did I mention her unusual talent for being clever and humorous?

But in her older years when medications and illness had taken their toll, there were times when she was not herself, and conversations took on a new kind of humor.

For example during one round of medication gone amiss, Ruthie’s behavior was extremely exasperating for my cousin and her husband, Denny, who served as Auntie’s caregivers.

Ruth became demanding and difficult to live with, as well as hateful with her words. On the day my cousin took a few minutes away from the house, Ruthie kept insisting that cousin come home and care of HER MOTHER. Denny explained my cousin would be gone on errands for a time, and he was there to help in any way possible.

This further infuriated Ruth who said in her loudest old-lady voice, “Denny, how would you like to kiss my a***?”

In his practiced calm and unperturbed voice, Denny quickly replied, “Ruth, if I thought it would help, I might be tempted to do so.”

I can imagine the startled expression on her face. Just thinking of it sends me into a spasm of giggles.

Today is a good day for me to remember how Denny balanced the stress of Ruthie’s mental imbalance with his calm and a sense of humor of his own.

Husband is thrashing in the quagmire of depression again today, and I should take a hint from Denny, and even Aunt Ruthie that a good laugh can indeed make a heart grow merry.

This morning I asked Husband: “What is wrong? What are you thinking?”

He turned his anger on me: “I woke up alive. What’s going on with you?”

“How else are you going to wake up? It is either alive or nothing. And as to your question, I am glad I am alive and that you are alive.”

He glared at me when I smiled at him.

Really? Are you kidding me? I have to admit I get tired of putrid responses like his.

I thought of phoning my friend, Patty, who can make me laugh by the way she answers the phone. Instead we went to George and Kay’s house because we thought the group study would take place this afternoon.

George likes to tell silly Scandinavian jokes since he is Swedish and mimics the accent quite well. He tells Ole and Lena jokes that are so quirky, I can’t help but laugh. Such silliness lightens the burdens of the heart.

Consider this another blog about the harsh reality of depression that stalks a large percentage of persons with ADHD. Consider how humor can help lift the spirits of both the person and family members who live with the stress of his or her depression.

And if you live with a person with ADHD who is often depressed, I invite you to contact us at McNay&Voth www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We will talk.