Women and Girls with ADHD

 

“I am afraid I am going to fail again.”

“I am tired of being a failure.”

“I just do not want to fail anymore.”

These are direct quotes I get when talking with women and girls who are persons with ADHD. The diagnosis of ADHD came from qualified mental health professionals, but the feelings of failure came from life.

The fear resulted from the years when these females experienced functioning problems in all types of social and family settings.

In school, girls with ADHD often get lost in the goings-on of the classroom.

“I was the perfect little girl,” a woman recently told me. “I obeyed all the rules, and I was kind. However, I just didn’t seem to understand what was going on most of the time. I felt lost or out of it.”

 “Other than school, what was your life like?” I asked.

“You mean at home? It wasn’t much better. My bedroom looked like a storm had taken place in it,” she told me.

Hurricane syndrome is my own favorite term for it. Of course, many people live in Hurricane Rooms, but they are persons with ADHD.

Another woman said, “I am rather quiet now, but as a kid, I was really hyper. Teachers had a hard time getting me to sit on my butt. I preferred to sit on my knees with my feet over the back of the chair. One teacher complained that I showed my panties all the time as if showing my panties was the worst thing going on with me.”

“I understand what you are saying, but exposed panties really are socially inappropriate, and teachers prefer socially appropriate behavior.”

She laughed along with me at my dry humor.

Teachers also prefer time management when homework gets turned in on time, or the student arrives at school on time. Bosses also prefer assignments completed per deadline and employees who are working at their desks on time.

Women with ADHD share they often fail to manage time or tasks well.

At least two women tell me they had their first babies at ages 16 and 17.

“So was it because a boy paid attention to you and said nice things to you?”

“No,” said the first one. “It was an impulsive decision. I didn’t stop to think through the consequences or even the right and wrong of it. I guess we call it immediate gratification.” She paused before she continued, “Yeah, gratification that came with a huge belly ache during labor.”

One of the saddest parts of our conversations centers on how these women think their children dislike or mock them because of the ADHD.

“So, which one of them is ADHD? Remember it is a genetic-based disorder.”

I like to throw that one at the children who talk to me about their ADHD parents. It’s to say, “Be careful. Your future kids may say the same thing about you one day.”

I’m rewarded when I see their faces contort with pain and apprehension.

If you are a female with ADHD, and you experience the confusion and disappointments associated with ADHD, we invite you to visit McNay&Voth.

We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.conm or phone 316-771-7557.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay&Voth Gateway Community

 

Can You Help a Woman with ADHD?

The pleasant voice on the other end of the phone asked two simple questions:

“Do you think you can help a woman with ADHD? Do you think you can help an older woman?”

“Yes,” I responded to both questions with one simple positive.

Quite often, I hear from women and girls – from females- who are persons with ADHD. They seek help, and they want to know someone understands the pressures and challenges they face.

As one lovely young woman told me, “You get it! You don’t scold me or laugh at me.”

And why should I scold or even laugh? ADHD is not funny although individuals with ADHD can be quite clever and funny.

Why should I admonish? I am not in the business of being bossy.

I don’t scold or admonish my own daughter with ADHD.  In fact, I think she is quite clever and intelligent. She makes me laugh like no other person.

Yet, I know she struggles with making goals and finding the perfect niche in her life.

I know she struggles with depression and a poor sense of who she can be.

When I see her struggles I think about the many teachers who graced her life. Several did not understand that she struggled to maintain her attention; other teachers had a sense of her talents.

One teacher in particular did not understand why she had a hard time sitting still in circle time.

However, her wonderful preschool teacher, Melinda Wren, fully understood and even taught me a thing or two about my daughter’s need to remain active.

“She listens more attentively sitting at the book area than most of the other kids do sitting still in the circle.”

Bless Melinda. I love her for her wisdom.

Again, when I see my daughter’s struggles, thoughts of her myriad of talents rush through my own mind.

I am not merely being her mom. I am honestly aware of her potential. The problem is that she has so much rushing through her own brain, she cannot get it under control.

In school, girls and women find they are often confused and wonder what others know that they do not know. They struggle with inattentiveness, frustration, time-management, and even disorder.

In teen social situations, they wonder what causes others’ rejection of them, or they take huge social risks just to feel accepted or to be like everyone else.

Yet, I am convinced that females with ADHD bring color and texture to any social situation. They make fantastic mothers as they lead their children to experience countless life-enriching experiences. They make super physicians, lawyers, fire fighters, law enforcement, teachers, and all types of professionals.

It is matter of learning the skills necessary for success. As our motto says: Success through self-determination and encouragement.

If anyone reading this blog is a girl or woman who wants help with her ADHD, I invite her to contact me at McNay&Voth ADHD Coaching Services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

I sincerely want to help you with your ADHD concerns.

 

 

Depression Isn’t Straight Forward and Other Quotes

Sometimes I flutter like a humming bird or hovercraft when I see Husband retreat to a dark room or space where he can be all alone,

My usual and sterile question is always: “How do you feel today?”

And he will respond: “I don’t feel well.”

Of course, because I am really quite limited in responses, I continue with: “Are you hurting somewhere? Is it your body or your spirit?”

“It is in my spirit,” he tells me.

Will Rogers once said: “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”  However, it seems I miss many good changes. I keep on asking invasive questions.

“What do you want me to do for you?”

Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784, is one of the most quoted English writers after William Shakespeare. Personally, I find Johnson easier to understand. In his wise way, he wrote: “People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.”

And I suggest this is true when it comes to depression. People who are depressed need to be reminded that they are valuable.

So how can I remind Husband he is the most valuable of all people to me?  A hamburger from his favorite fast-food restaurant? Sitting with him through the umpteenth baseball game on TV? Sharing chatter I learned from our friends? At times, I am not certain. To quote Will Rogers again, I must remember that “when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”

Someone sent me this quote from Stephen Fry: “If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It is hard to be a friend to someone who is depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

Like other persons who have depressed family members, I really do want to be a friend to Husband.

And as I mentioned before, I think humor is one way to demonstrate friendship. Mark Twain believed humor is humankind’s greatest blessing, and he said: “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

One of my daughters cautions me not to always sound like an expert, even though I am one. So let me make this suggestion without sounding like a know-it-all. Have you laughed today? Remember that laughter relieves physical tension and stress. It boosts the immune system, decreases stress hormones, and improves your resistance to disease. Laughter releases endorphins, and promotes an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. As an added bonus, it protects the heart as it improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you.

“What do you think about laughter and humor?” I recently asked Husband.

He literally rolled his eyes upward: “It is necessary to raise your sense of well-being.”

“We haven’t laughed much lately,” I commented.

He smiled and laughed at that comment.

But we have spent many hours sitting together in silence or in brief conversations. I have held his hand, or brought him a glass of ice water. I know those are little things; I am trying to be his friend.

This weekend, we watched a show on life in Hawaii where we discovered that the Monk Seal is the only one native to Hawaii. Husband immediate response: “Does that mean they are Catholic or Buddhist?”  We laughed at a tiny piece of silliness, but at least we laughed.

 

 

Aunt Ruthie, Chemical Imbalance, and Jokes

I’ve never before told you about my Aunt Ruth and my Mother, Naomi, the Dutton
Sisters who loved each other more than I can ever describe for you.

It’s enough to say their unique friendship and relationship always made me yearn for a sister of my own. They made it seem that being sisters was the best thing in the world. Because Mother loved Ruth so deeply, I thought my Aunt Ruthie, as I called her, was the utmost in terms of being doting and special. She was funny, kind, witty, sweet, and hilarious. Did I mention her unusual talent for being clever and humorous?

But in her older years when medications and illness had taken their toll, there were times when she was not herself, and conversations took on a new kind of humor.

For example during one round of medication gone amiss, Ruthie’s behavior was extremely exasperating for my cousin and her husband, Denny, who served as Auntie’s caregivers.

Ruth became demanding and difficult to live with, as well as hateful with her words. On the day my cousin took a few minutes away from the house, Ruthie kept insisting that cousin come home and care of HER MOTHER. Denny explained my cousin would be gone on errands for a time, and he was there to help in any way possible.

This further infuriated Ruth who said in her loudest old-lady voice, “Denny, how would you like to kiss my a***?”

In his practiced calm and unperturbed voice, Denny quickly replied, “Ruth, if I thought it would help, I might be tempted to do so.”

I can imagine the startled expression on her face. Just thinking of it sends me into a spasm of giggles.

Today is a good day for me to remember how Denny balanced the stress of Ruthie’s mental imbalance with his calm and a sense of humor of his own.

Husband is thrashing in the quagmire of depression again today, and I should take a hint from Denny, and even Aunt Ruthie that a good laugh can indeed make a heart grow merry.

This morning I asked Husband: “What is wrong? What are you thinking?”

He turned his anger on me: “I woke up alive. What’s going on with you?”

“How else are you going to wake up? It is either alive or nothing. And as to your question, I am glad I am alive and that you are alive.”

He glared at me when I smiled at him.

Really? Are you kidding me? I have to admit I get tired of putrid responses like his.

I thought of phoning my friend, Patty, who can make me laugh by the way she answers the phone. Instead we went to George and Kay’s house because we thought the group study would take place this afternoon.

George likes to tell silly Scandinavian jokes since he is Swedish and mimics the accent quite well. He tells Ole and Lena jokes that are so quirky, I can’t help but laugh. Such silliness lightens the burdens of the heart.

Consider this another blog about the harsh reality of depression that stalks a large percentage of persons with ADHD. Consider how humor can help lift the spirits of both the person and family members who live with the stress of his or her depression.

And if you live with a person with ADHD who is often depressed, I invite you to contact us at McNay&Voth www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7557. We will talk.

 

 

Let’s Get Serious About Skunk Control and Other Chores

One of my thoughtful adult children talked to me about the blogs I share with you.

“Mom, who writes your blogs? At times I don’t believe they are totally accurate.”

“I write my blogs, and they ARE based on real conversations and events.”

I paraphrase the intent of the next response, “I think you should make them more real.”

Real? How real do you readers want me to be? Just the other day, I told my college-days friend that I would never write certain things about how ADHD affects my marriage or my husband’s life, and I meant it. For one reason, people choose to gossip. Yes, I realize that may surprise my readers, but it is true. For another, family should always honor confidential information.

But back to my offspring’s recommendation, I gave it serious consideration, and in speaking with another of my adult children, came to a conclusion.

From now on, I WILL sporadically share some of the harsher realities of my life as the spouse of a person with ADHD, and I am going to begin with depression.

Persons with ADHD often deal with various degrees of depression, if that is the correct way to express it. It affects emotions and physical actions, and I think it is one of the cruelest of illnesses.  I habitually read and study about depression. I think of it as intelligence gathering just as if I were engaged in a war.

Depression is an enemy in our household. Husband has lived with depression since I’ve known him.

His psychiatrist once asked him how long he had been depressed. “Since about age five,” he answered without really having to stop and think.

Depression hurts, hinders, and interferes with quality of life. It gets in the way of the details of life. For example, take the skunks that have been quite prolific in our backyard this year. Husband looked at me with a flat affect when I asked him to help rid the yard of these uninvited nocturnal pests.

“You expect ME to know what to do?” he asked.

“I hope you will take the advice to simply soak rags in ammonia and then place them all around the yard’s perimeters.”  I said as I placed the rages and ammonia within easy reach.

The materials sat on the table for more than one week before I spoke with him again.  He eventually and reluctantly took action.

Even though I realize it overwhelms him to complete a simple chore, do I get frustrated? You bet. Do I become irritated?  Affirmative.  Not only does his depression bog him down, it sets heavily on my own mind and shoulders.

I will write about depression again soon, but if you want to talk with me about it before then, contact me at McNay &Voth ADHD Services, www.coachADHD.com or 316-771-7557. We’ll talk.

She Thought I was Weird

“I’ll be writing to teens with ADHD about love and romance this week,” I told Husband. “I am trying to decide if I should write about something from your life or to teen girls in general.”

“I like the idea of your writing to teen girls in general.”

“That may be best, but before I leave this conversation, I want to ask you about the time you bought candy for Anna, your high school classmate.”

He knew I attended elementary school with this same Anna, still sadness and pain crossed his eyes for a brief moment.

“When you gave her the chocolates, what did she say?”

“She gave them to her friend standing next to her.”

“She gave them to someone else?”

“The other girl brought them over to me and said I should keep them, and I shouldn’t try to do it again.”

His face registered his sense of rejection.

“You mean on Valentine’s Day, she couldn’t have merely thanked you and moved on with it?”

“It was her birthday. I overheard someone say it was, so I thought I would buy her a gift.”

“Why did she do such a cruel thing?”

“She thought I was weird. Once I blurted out a comment in class, and she turned on me with a vengeance. She was an intelligent girl in English class, and I thought she was smart, that’s all.”

“So you admired her, and she thought you were weird because of your ADHD symptoms?”

“That’s likely it.”

“If I was going to write about teen girls with ADHD, I could write about times Baby Sis felt rejected due to her ADHD symptoms. She didn’t experience the same types of rejections. She did always think people were talking about her behind her back.”

But I kept on, “I am angry Anna hurt your feelings, but she was acting on information as she knew it at the time. The point is not to blame another person. It is the point to know that ADHD symptoms may not contribute to good relationships. Teens and adults with ADHD should learn behaviors that contribute to relationships, not impede them. Besides, I am glad it was me, not her that realized the treasure within you.”

I once told my husband that as a young man, he was often in love with love. Many scholars now bear it out: persons with ADHD can hyperfocus on romance because doing so increases dopamine which increases pleasure-producing neurotransmitters. But that does not necessarily create love relationships. The person with ADHD and his or her partner must take ownership of ADHD by treating it responsibly to manage the symptoms, increase dopamine, and help the brain work as it is supposed to. It is imperative persons with ADHD learn how to override the challenges of ADHD behavior and build the positive skills needed for lasting intimate relationships.

If you need help in this area, allow Dr. Atha the opportunity to assist you as you seek confidence in romance and love.

Contact us today at McNay & Voth, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558.

 

The Wooden Heart

“See? I am wearing the heart you bought for your Mother,”   I said as I pointed to my necklace.  I wear it annually, several times during the month of February.

Husband turned his attention toward me and the piece of wood hanging on the chain around my neck.

“Looks nice. I appreciate it when you wear it.”

It’s necessary for me to point out when I wear it. Otherwise, it would be a few days before he even noticed it.

“It’s carved from one piece of driftwood, right?”  I asked of the heart that it about two inches long and at least one inch across at the widest points.

He nodded. “I bought that for her Christmas present the year we lived in Seattle,” he remembered, “But I don’t know how much I paid for it. I only bought for her, not Dad. I never bought for Dad unless she shamed me into it.”

“That’s unfortunate,” I said as I quickly moved on to the next thought on my mind. “Was that before you had pneumonia or after? Was that the same year you got sick from the turkey dinner served at school?”

“I was developing the pneumonia the day I bought it for her. I’m glad I didn’t die before I got to give it to her.”

“How morbid!”

“Yeah, it would have hurt her a lot had I died at age 11.”

“Indeed! And your Dad, too.”

“I know that now, but in those days, I only thought about how much Mother loved me.”

“I wear this heart in as a tribute to you as a sweet boy who loved his Mother.”

“Yeah, I really did love Mother. She was the person who seemed to accept me more than anyone else. Sure, Grandmother McNay loved me, and so did Grandma and Grandpa Lutz. But Mother was my best friend when I was a kid.”

“I should tell you that for most kids, it likely is Mother who loves them best. My Mother loved me, and I know how much I loved our kids when they were younger. I still do. It seems arrogant, but I think I will always love them more than anyone could. Even spouses. It’s a different kind of love.”

“I needed my Mother when I was a kid,” he said. “She really liked me.”

“She did. And I loved her, too, because she was interesting and fun in the same ways that attracted me to you.”

“But you’re my best friend, now,” he said. “You’re the one who is sweet and kind to me.”

“I do love you, and I love the fact you were attached to your Mother when you were a lonely young boy who needed more friends and more self-confidence.”

It is essential for the person with ADHD to feel and accept love, just as it is for the rest of us. As you read here, often deep love begins with a child’s feelings for his or her Mother. As the psychologist, Lev Vygotsky noted, Mother serves as the primary social model for a young child.  Although Mother is likely involved in more activities with the young child, Father can also fulfill this role.

If you are a parent of a child with ADHD, remember that you are the essential social relationship in your child’s life, and it is you who can do much to help your child develop the confidence and self-esteem needed for later relationships.

I f you seek additional help with any parenting of a child or teen with ADHD, we invite you to contact McNay & Voth ADHD Coaching services, www.coachadhd.com or 316-771-7558. We can help you as you develop the skills you need.