Women and Girls with ADHD

 

“I am afraid I am going to fail again.”

“I am tired of being a failure.”

“I just do not want to fail anymore.”

These are direct quotes I get when talking with women and girls who are persons with ADHD. The diagnosis of ADHD came from qualified mental health professionals, but the feelings of failure came from life.

The fear resulted from the years when these females experienced functioning problems in all types of social and family settings.

In school, girls with ADHD often get lost in the goings-on of the classroom.

“I was the perfect little girl,” a woman recently told me. “I obeyed all the rules, and I was kind. However, I just didn’t seem to understand what was going on most of the time. I felt lost or out of it.”

 “Other than school, what was your life like?” I asked.

“You mean at home? It wasn’t much better. My bedroom looked like a storm had taken place in it,” she told me.

Hurricane syndrome is my own favorite term for it. Of course, many people live in Hurricane Rooms, but they are persons with ADHD.

Another woman said, “I am rather quiet now, but as a kid, I was really hyper. Teachers had a hard time getting me to sit on my butt. I preferred to sit on my knees with my feet over the back of the chair. One teacher complained that I showed my panties all the time as if showing my panties was the worst thing going on with me.”

“I understand what you are saying, but exposed panties really are socially inappropriate, and teachers prefer socially appropriate behavior.”

She laughed along with me at my dry humor.

Teachers also prefer time management when homework gets turned in on time, or the student arrives at school on time. Bosses also prefer assignments completed per deadline and employees who are working at their desks on time.

Women with ADHD share they often fail to manage time or tasks well.

At least two women tell me they had their first babies at ages 16 and 17.

“So was it because a boy paid attention to you and said nice things to you?”

“No,” said the first one. “It was an impulsive decision. I didn’t stop to think through the consequences or even the right and wrong of it. I guess we call it immediate gratification.” She paused before she continued, “Yeah, gratification that came with a huge belly ache during labor.”

One of the saddest parts of our conversations centers on how these women think their children dislike or mock them because of the ADHD.

“So, which one of them is ADHD? Remember it is a genetic-based disorder.”

I like to throw that one at the children who talk to me about their ADHD parents. It’s to say, “Be careful. Your future kids may say the same thing about you one day.”

I’m rewarded when I see their faces contort with pain and apprehension.

If you are a female with ADHD, and you experience the confusion and disappointments associated with ADHD, we invite you to visit McNay&Voth.

We can meet by phone, face-to-face, or across Skype or Gmail Chat.

Contact us at www.coachadhd.conm or phone 316-771-7557.

We sincerely care,

Dr. Atha McNay and McNay&Voth Gateway Community

 

First College Experience

Yesterday, I asked Husband about his first year of college. “Why did you go to Emporia State rather than stay here in Wichita?”

He looked somewhat saddened when I mentioned that first year.

“Why are you asking?”

“This time of year, many students with ADHD go away or attend college for the first time. Thinking about it sets off a plan to write a blog.”

“I went to Emporia because the school offered a computer program. Wichita State was not an option for me. Friends would have been an option, but they did not offer the program I wanted.”

Keep in mind that these were the days before the microchip perfected the role of computers in our lives.

“And how long did you live in Emporia?”

“One school term or year.”

“Why did you come back home?”

“Because I was an idiot,” he shot back at me without a moment’s hesitation. “I left a situation without finishing it. If I had been on the ball, I would have gotten a job and stayed there.”

His face reflected disgust at the memory.

“But if you had, we would not have met,” I whined.

His face softened at the memory of meeting me.

“At Emporia, they actually expected me to work. School meant I had to do more than listen and take notes, which is how I got through high school.”

Thoughtfully he continued, “I was disappointed in college because I didn’t feel accepted. A certain group of kids, the ones from back east who couldn’t get into eastern schools, made me feel bad about myself. It was miserable.”

His comments supported what many college students with ADHD feel. For them, college has much to do with developing a self-image and discovering future hopes and dreams. More importantly, it’s about finding friends and people with whom they can identify. But frequently it is difficult for them to find friend on campus. It’s as if nebulous circles or factions are challenging to understand and befriend.

“Another reason I came back was because Dad kept hounding me to get a job, so I could pay the $35 monthly rent. I lived in a house with four other guys. It was a real mess.”

Often persons with ADHD lack social cues, act socially inappropriate or immature, and often put the blame for all of this on others.

“Were people cruel to you?”

He thought for several seconds, and I could see he was sorting through the stories.

“One economics teacher was a real jerk.” Actually he used another offensive term that insulted the instructor’s value and intelligence.

“He was a poor teacher to begin with, and whenever a couple of us asked him to clarify his explanations, he became belligerent. As well the answers to the test questions were not in his notes.”

I saw a bigger picture in relation to his comments. Many persons with ADHD also have learning disabilities concerning the use of language skills. College students with ADHD and/or learning disabilities comprise the greatest percentage of students with disabilities on college campuses in the United States.

“So I came back home and enrolled at Friends University.”

I asked, “What was different about Friends?”

“Even though home was not best, I was home. I felt more secure about going to college. The instructors at Friends treated me more like teachers did in high school. Also the classes were smaller, I had a cooperative job schedule, and there was an advantage of more jobs overall.”

He continued, “I felt better about school in general, though we both know I didn’t complete my degree until 30 years later.” At that we both smiled at the thought of his transcripts and incompletes.

“Going away that one year, however, was beneficial. It helped me see the importance of doing what I had not been doing.”

 

Thoughts about Getting Married

Two days ago a friend complained about the many days of Kansas heat we’ve experienced this year.

“It was 110 degrees the day we got married,” Husband told him. “Of course it didn’t seem that hot to us then.”

What was he talking about? It was hot during that July; it is hot this July.  I admit we were much younger, but 110 degrees still made me sick.

After dinner on the day we got married, we walked across the street to a park next to the river. Suddenly I felt ill and went to the women’s facility. Later I found out he was in the men’s facility being sick, too. I hoped it was nerves and heat and not getting married to me.

In a previous post, I told you our wedding ceremony took place at 10 a.m. on a sunny and potentially hot Saturday.

I planned it that early because I did not want to wait all day to get married.  Besides, I don’t think people would have come out in that tremendous heat just to see us legally united.

“We only invited close family and friends,” I told one of my daughters.

“Why such a small wedding?”

“It was a compromise. I wanted a church wedding; he wanted to elope. I kept my guest list under 20; his mother invited several friends and neighbors. She didn’t ask; she just invited them. Now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have been surprised at her doing so. That is exactly the type of thing she would do. ”

When asked if it made me angry, I had to admit it didn’t really bother me.  I shrugged my shoulders and figured she was so happy to get us married, she wanted to celebrate.

“I think I now understand why he didn’t want a large wedding ceremony.”

“Because it would cost money,” she sneered.

“Well, that was probably part of it. Neither of us had much money, and my parents could not afford a huge wedding for me.  I think it was the planning. He just wanted to get married so we could be together, and he was too impatient to make plans over time. I was, too.”

“ Yes, Dad can be spontaneous such as the incident when he hung your underwear out the window of the Holiday Inn Hotel, downtown Wichita.”

He thought it was the funniest thing he had done that day.  Of course then and other times I laughed at him, and I enforced his totally inappropriate sense of humor that time and all the other times I laughed.

 “Mom, don’t encourage him,” the kids tell me.

I think of that episode and wonder how it was I didn’t connect all his behaviors before we married.

I should have figured something was amiss, right?

The CHADD organization (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) shares a graphical illustration of ADHD which they call the ADD/ADHD Iceberg. Above the water one can see a small protrusion of ice, but below the water there is a huge, hidden portion that is much more dangerous and ominous looking. The idea is easy to catch. Much of the complexities of ADHD are hidden beneath the surface.

“I’m glad I didn’t know about ADD or ADHD when we married. I might not have gone through with the wedding. That would have been a terrible loss and shame. Not only would I not have you three kids, but I would have missed out on many benefits of being married to such a unique person.”

“Do you wish you had guidelines like people now have?”

“Guidelines may have helped us, but we did have the Bible, and those principles served us quite well through all the growing and maturation together.”

I am thankful I married this man and that he is a person with ADHD. I have many advantages being part of a couple with him.