Thoughts about Getting Married

Two days ago a friend complained about the many days of Kansas heat we’ve experienced this year.

“It was 110 degrees the day we got married,” Husband told him. “Of course it didn’t seem that hot to us then.”

What was he talking about? It was hot during that July; it is hot this July.  I admit we were much younger, but 110 degrees still made me sick.

After dinner on the day we got married, we walked across the street to a park next to the river. Suddenly I felt ill and went to the women’s facility. Later I found out he was in the men’s facility being sick, too. I hoped it was nerves and heat and not getting married to me.

In a previous post, I told you our wedding ceremony took place at 10 a.m. on a sunny and potentially hot Saturday.

I planned it that early because I did not want to wait all day to get married.  Besides, I don’t think people would have come out in that tremendous heat just to see us legally united.

“We only invited close family and friends,” I told one of my daughters.

“Why such a small wedding?”

“It was a compromise. I wanted a church wedding; he wanted to elope. I kept my guest list under 20; his mother invited several friends and neighbors. She didn’t ask; she just invited them. Now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have been surprised at her doing so. That is exactly the type of thing she would do. ”

When asked if it made me angry, I had to admit it didn’t really bother me.  I shrugged my shoulders and figured she was so happy to get us married, she wanted to celebrate.

“I think I now understand why he didn’t want a large wedding ceremony.”

“Because it would cost money,” she sneered.

“Well, that was probably part of it. Neither of us had much money, and my parents could not afford a huge wedding for me.  I think it was the planning. He just wanted to get married so we could be together, and he was too impatient to make plans over time. I was, too.”

“ Yes, Dad can be spontaneous such as the incident when he hung your underwear out the window of the Holiday Inn Hotel, downtown Wichita.”

He thought it was the funniest thing he had done that day.  Of course then and other times I laughed at him, and I enforced his totally inappropriate sense of humor that time and all the other times I laughed.

 “Mom, don’t encourage him,” the kids tell me.

I think of that episode and wonder how it was I didn’t connect all his behaviors before we married.

I should have figured something was amiss, right?

The CHADD organization (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) shares a graphical illustration of ADHD which they call the ADD/ADHD Iceberg. Above the water one can see a small protrusion of ice, but below the water there is a huge, hidden portion that is much more dangerous and ominous looking. The idea is easy to catch. Much of the complexities of ADHD are hidden beneath the surface.

“I’m glad I didn’t know about ADD or ADHD when we married. I might not have gone through with the wedding. That would have been a terrible loss and shame. Not only would I not have you three kids, but I would have missed out on many benefits of being married to such a unique person.”

“Do you wish you had guidelines like people now have?”

“Guidelines may have helped us, but we did have the Bible, and those principles served us quite well through all the growing and maturation together.”

I am thankful I married this man and that he is a person with ADHD. I have many advantages being part of a couple with him.  

The Marble Slab

I understand July 2 was National I Forgot Day. Goodness! Is it so prevalent that we’ve made a holiday for it? 

Possibly it was begun by an individual with ADHD, or even the spouse of that individual.

If so I can relate. Spouses often become frustrated with the “I forgot” syndrome. It seems as if the mysterious “I forgot” can show up frequently in our lives and disrupt a myriad of good intentions. Good old “I forgot” is somehow kinfolk to “Ineffective” and “Unreliable.”

Of course, I did not have this depth of wisdom when Husband and I were ready to shop for our first apartment.  That was before I knew persons with ADHD will often avoid doing things that require much effort or consistency because they are afraid of failure.  I didn’t know about memory issues and problems.

As I recall it was about four weeks before our wedding day. Four weeks!

“Honey, don’t you think we should start looking for an apartment?”, I lovingly cooed at him.

“What’s the hurry? We still have a month.” He was serious.

“Let’s make appointments with some people to go look,” I suggested.

He unenthusiastically agreed to it, and we made plans for him to pick me up on a Tuesday at 10:30 am, so we could begin.

The time came and went. At 11:30 I phoned his house, where his Mother answered. “He’s just now getting out of bed. Did he have an appointment with you?”

“We have a couple of appointments to look at apartments. He was suppose to be here an hour ago.”  I’m certain she heard the frustration creep into my voice.

“He’ll be there soon,” she promised.

I don’t know what his Mother said to him, but thirty minutes later he pulled into the driveway.

“Here I am,” he said a bit too eagerly.

I still hear myself mumbling under my breath.

It did not occur to me that he had little or no control over his forgetfulness. I do remember when we did find an apartment, we were unable to take possession until four days after the wedding because we waited so late to secure one.

We stayed ay my brother’s apartment two of those days.

My new Mother-in-law asked, “How is it working for you, staying at your brother’s apartment?” I think this was her way of approaching the topic.

 “It’s OK. It was nice of him to move over to Mom and Dad’s house for a couple of days. Of course, he is closer to her cooking and the comforts over there.”

“You don’t appear to be happy about this,” Mother-in-law was rather astute. “How many other things did my son fail to do before the wedding?”

The words rolled out of me. I didn’t mean to begin complaining, but I think it was how I sounded.

“The thing is, I don’t think he meant to disappoint me, but he is always making excuses for not getting things done.”

Today I laugh at that comment because not a whole lot has changed in that department.

“I tell you; you can’t always wait for him to get the ball rolling. You can’t make innuendos with him. It has to be direct and let him know you are serious.”

I followed every word, and she watched my face  to make certain I did.

“This is how to do it,” she continued. “Get yourself a large piece of marble about this size.” She gestured a piece about 12 inches long and four inches thick.

I thought she was serious.

“Chisel what you want him to know or remember across the top it,” she said as she mimed it.

Then pick it up like this, and WHAM! Smack him between the eyes with it!”

We both hollered with laughter. In the days before I ever dreamed about such prescriptions as Mindfulness Meditation or concepts such as  neuroplasticity, Mother-in-law shared her own approach to his forgetfulness.

In other words, she told me to make certain I clearly let him know my expectations. “Don’t put him in a position to disappoint you.”   

I  loved her for sharing this wisdom.

The Marriage Proposal

In honor of our wedding anniversary which will take place the end of this month, July 27, I am going to repost earlier blog. I love telling this story.

I expect many women remember details of the day or night when their love proposed marriage, and I am no exception.

 It was a lovely Sunday afternoon at the end of May. I wore an attractive and stylish spring-like red dress because my tall, handsome boyfriend was taking me to the graduation ceremonies at my Alma Mater, Friends University. I admit I looked really nice.

When he got there, he seemed a bit nervous to me, but by then I was accustomed to him being either moody or nervous. I probably thought something “set it off” on his way to our house. 

He sat with me on the sofa in the living room as we talked with my Mom and Dad and exchanged pleasantries about the weather and the upcoming graduation ceremony.

Suddenly without any seeming connection to our conversation, he pulled a box from his pocket and presented me with a lovely bracelet with Snoopy dangling on it.

“Oh,how cute!”  I said as I began to put it on my wrist.

He got down on his knee. “Look on the chain,” he said. “See this? It’s an engagement ring. Will you marry me, my dear?”  

He began taking the ring off the chain to slip it on my finger.

Oh, yes, he really asked in front of my parents.

Time stood still. I wanted to crawl underneath the sofa.

I sat there with that Dagwood-Bumstead smile crinkled across my face before I answered yes.

I loved my parents, and as their only daughter I knew I was special to them, but for some reason, I never dreamed of receiving a proposal of marriage in front of them. It threw the entire sense of romance out the window.

My Dad turned red as Mom cried.

My husband-to-be rushed on. “This is the ring my Dad gave to Mom when they got engaged in 1945. I asked her if she had one I could give you tonight.”

He actually told me all about it.  My love had it in mind to propose, and he thought the night of graduation would be excellent.

Actually, I think he finally got up the nerve. 

There was only one problem. Typically, he had not gotten around to buying a ring or special piece of jewelry, so he talked with his parents.

 “I want to ask Atha to marry me tonight, but I don’t have a ring. What have you got around here?”

So much for planning ahead, right?

Later, his mother said she offered him her old engagement ring because she didn’t want him to change his mind, and she loved the idea of me wearing it.

My husband was so pleased and so excited, or possibly so relieved to get that part over with that he leaned back on the sofa and sighed loudly.

 He had focused his mind on proposing to me, and he could not wait for another time. It was then or nothing.

I am glad it was then, and I know he thinks what was the big deal? After all I said yes, and here we are all these years later.

Now I understand that individuals with ADHD may become so anxious about a task or plan that they put off completing the details, which merely adds to the anxiety. They often do not plan ahead. They may experience chronic procrastination more frequently than typical individuals. They put off important tasks or the ones that take more thought and energy. In this case, it was the task that was going to cost him more money.

The pattern for our marriage was set.

In our story, Husband could not wait until we were alone at dinner. He was driven to act at that moment. He could not consider the inappropriateness of proposing marriage in front of Mom or Dad. It seemed romantic enough for him. So what if it wasn’t my own ring? (His parents did give us that ring with their blessing.)  He figured we would get around to buying me a new ring in the future.

That is an entire other story.