Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

Thoughts about Getting Married

Two days ago a friend complained about the many days of Kansas heat we’ve experienced this year.

“It was 110 degrees the day we got married,” Husband told him. “Of course it didn’t seem that hot to us then.”

What was he talking about? It was hot during that July; it is hot this July.  I admit we were much younger, but 110 degrees still made me sick.

After dinner on the day we got married, we walked across the street to a park next to the river. Suddenly I felt ill and went to the women’s facility. Later I found out he was in the men’s facility being sick, too. I hoped it was nerves and heat and not getting married to me.

In a previous post, I told you our wedding ceremony took place at 10 a.m. on a sunny and potentially hot Saturday.

I planned it that early because I did not want to wait all day to get married.  Besides, I don’t think people would have come out in that tremendous heat just to see us legally united.

“We only invited close family and friends,” I told one of my daughters.

“Why such a small wedding?”

“It was a compromise. I wanted a church wedding; he wanted to elope. I kept my guest list under 20; his mother invited several friends and neighbors. She didn’t ask; she just invited them. Now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have been surprised at her doing so. That is exactly the type of thing she would do. ”

When asked if it made me angry, I had to admit it didn’t really bother me.  I shrugged my shoulders and figured she was so happy to get us married, she wanted to celebrate.

“I think I now understand why he didn’t want a large wedding ceremony.”

“Because it would cost money,” she sneered.

“Well, that was probably part of it. Neither of us had much money, and my parents could not afford a huge wedding for me.  I think it was the planning. He just wanted to get married so we could be together, and he was too impatient to make plans over time. I was, too.”

“ Yes, Dad can be spontaneous such as the incident when he hung your underwear out the window of the Holiday Inn Hotel, downtown Wichita.”

He thought it was the funniest thing he had done that day.  Of course then and other times I laughed at him, and I enforced his totally inappropriate sense of humor that time and all the other times I laughed.

 “Mom, don’t encourage him,” the kids tell me.

I think of that episode and wonder how it was I didn’t connect all his behaviors before we married.

I should have figured something was amiss, right?

The CHADD organization (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) shares a graphical illustration of ADHD which they call the ADD/ADHD Iceberg. Above the water one can see a small protrusion of ice, but below the water there is a huge, hidden portion that is much more dangerous and ominous looking. The idea is easy to catch. Much of the complexities of ADHD are hidden beneath the surface.

“I’m glad I didn’t know about ADD or ADHD when we married. I might not have gone through with the wedding. That would have been a terrible loss and shame. Not only would I not have you three kids, but I would have missed out on many benefits of being married to such a unique person.”

“Do you wish you had guidelines like people now have?”

“Guidelines may have helped us, but we did have the Bible, and those principles served us quite well through all the growing and maturation together.”

I am thankful I married this man and that he is a person with ADHD. I have many advantages being part of a couple with him.