Self-Centered Special Person of the Day

Last week I read an article on ADHD in which the writer said (loosely paraphrased): “Individuals with ADHD might have a tendency to be all about themselves. We can describe them as self-focused. ”

At that moment, I retorted aloud to God and all the walls in my office: “Might?  A tendency?  Are you kidding me?”  

It is insulting, the way she minimized it. Those who know or love a person with ADHD will tell you that it is not merely a tendency or a possibility.

It is reality, a sure deal, a given.

I’ve been telling Husband for decades that he is only tuned-in when the conversation is all about him. Hmmm- he doesn’t even argue the point with me.

As a matter of fact, he will often say it, “Yeah, I know; it’s all about me.”

Not that I really hold on to a grudge, but listen to what happened 35 years ago during a meal at our favorite restaurant. We had both worked all day, and then picked up Oldest Daughter from the babysitter. It had been a trying day at school, and I wanted to vent about it. About half-way through what I planned to say, I could see Husband’s eye glaze over. He said, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t want to hear about it.”  

OK!, So that was the end of that conversation and many others. I vowed not to share about my day with him ever again, and I kept that vow for several years.

I declare he didn’t even notice.

I could tell literally dozens of stories from the reason why he finally got around to staining and repairing my dining chairs (his sister was moving in with us) to why he recalls for the umpteenth time that his father didn’t really love him.

Husband’s psychiatrist would likely tell me that his behavior patterns are evidence of his personality. Other people may claim it is a matter of self-monitoring as opposed to self-focus. Nonsense; we’re talking self-absorption.

But I want you to totally understand, this is not the same as selfishness. In this case, self-centered does not mean selfish. Husband can be quite considerate, which he has demonstrated many times throughout our marriage.

I shared such a thought with Tony, my hairdresser, just today. He was telling me about a family where the father walked away due to a son’s disabilities and mental illness.

“Yep,” I agreed, “We often hear about Dads who take a walk because they cannot handle the pressures of sick or disabled kids. Our Crown Prince was a sickly baby, and I don’t know how I could have managed without my husband’s support and collaboration.

“Matter of fact, I nominated him for Special Person of the Day for that reason, and he won.”

Tony had not heard of Special Person of the Day, a radio contest sponsored by a local station here in Wichita over 30 years ago.

“I sent a letter to the station explaining how ill our baby had been and how Husband helped me carry the emotional and physical load of care. It is not easy to care for both a toddler and a chronically sick baby at the same time. Husband was my Rock and buttress throughout each ordeal and trauma.

“The program manager phoned Husband at work and read the letter across the radio. I could tell Husband was totally shocked. Along with being named Special Person of the Day, he won tickets to a restaurant and movie, a cup and other nick-nacks that honored him. I think they delivered the prizes to his office.”

Tony laughed, “It sounds as if you won both of you a date night.”

“Yea, I guess, but I won more than that. I won a forever memory that counteracts those moments when I want to scream at my husband’s total immersion into himself and his feelings.”

Because as I said, it is more than a tendency or a possibility. It is a given.