A Formal Diagnosis

  

My husband describes himself in a number of ways such as:

My foot is nailed to a board, and I continually go around in circles.

I am an amoeba in a vat of acid constantly reacting to the stimuli.

(My favorite) I can’t find my ass with two hands at parade-rest.

Armed with the list of a number of items we found in Fowler and Fowler’s book, Honey, Are you Listening, my husband made an appointment with a psychologist in our community who specializes in adults with ADHD.

Dr. R.V. began by establishing rapport with my husbanding, and somewhere in that first visit, asked my husband a series of questions about his life and functioning as a child. From that information he concluded what we already suspected, or actually knew.

Since his earliest recognition, my Husband was hyper, did not pay attention, was disorganized, and he failed to pay attention (yes, I said it twice). Those were just the few symptoms they explored. On the next visit, Dr. R.V talked with my husband about his symptoms as an adult. It was the same list with a different twist.

Then there was an interview with me as the spouse. The questions maybe took 10- 15 minutes in which I answered yes or no as quickly as possible to any description given. I was not allowed to elaborate on any of them, although I really wanted to do so.

So the good psychologist talked about his findings in researching ADHD in adults, he came to the conclusion that a computer program he often used would tell him more about the manner in which my husband’s brain worked. In later work, I came to believe it might have been the Continuous Performance Test.

For about 15 minutes, my husband clicked a button whenever finding a specific number or symbol on the screen.  Later, he described it as "30 minutes of this popping thing up in front of my face." Dr. R.V. said the results showed my husband’s brain got tired within the first three minutes, and he wondered how my husband had been able to function throughout the rest of it, or even so well in life in general.

Basically Dr. R.V. said, “You must be a smart man to go through life as successfully as you have. Your brain blinks or turns off every few minutes.”

Ah, ha! I had my first clue why communication between Husband and me was a real problem.

After Dr. R.V. administered all assessments and rating scales, he said something that my husband will likely never forget. The Dr. used a quantitative scale by which he verified an adult was a person with ADHD The score had to be at least -1.9; Husband likes to say his score was -7.9.

I don’t remember number details, and I would likely get them wrong if I tried. The most important result born of this experience was the definitive diagnosis of ADHD.

For those who do not live with ADHD, this may not make sense. If you or your spouse does not have it, you don’t know it. ADHD truly is a complex disorder in which it seems behaviors and tendencies spin and tumble within the individual so that life is an inconsistent jumble.

At least in seemed that way in our lives; a diagnosis gave us something to blame or help us understand why life tossed and turned at speeds greater than items tossed about by our Kansas winds.

We learned that ADHD is not the same for any two people, but we learned that for my Husband, his mind worked in apparent contradictions: he could display huge amounts of mental energy at one point, but then display great amount of sluggishness at others. His mind generated great visions, but he was unable to plan and carry through with them.

His way of looking at the world was skeptical, amusingly remarkable, and original or his very own.

He is his own person ( and sometimes it is difficult to tell whether it is personality or ADHD, or even if there is a difference), but he is not the standard ordinary individual.

This brings me to the question is ADHD truly a disorder? I would suggest not in itself. It becomes a disorder when it interferes with his ability to operate under the unspoken rules of society and when it means he struggles with various comorbid conditions such as depression.

The diagnosis did not change him, per se, but it did give him the starting point for new understanding of himself, including a new appreciation of himself.

Reviewing the List

Although the list we found in Honey, Are you Listening?  (Fowler and Fowler, 1995)  prompted us to seek additional help,  you can find a similar helpful list on adult ADHD symptoms in the excellent foundational work, Driven to Distraction (Hallowell and Ratey, 1994). Their work provides a list of 20 items with which they say the chronic disturbance (to which I say how polite of them to use such a term) is present if the adult can say yes to at least 15 of the items.

1.   A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals.

2.   Difficulty getting organized.

3.   Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.

4.   Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through.

5.   Tendency to say what comes to mind with necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness

6.   A frequent search for high stimulation.

7.   An intolerance of boredom.

8.   Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune our or drift away with an ability to hyperfocus at times.

9.   Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent.

10.                Trouble in going through established channels, following proper procedure.

11.                 Impatient; low tolerance for frustration.

12.                Impulsive, either verbally or in action.

13.                Tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly

14.                Sense of insecurity.

15.                Mood swings, mood lability.

16.                Restlessness

17.                 Tendency toward addictive behavior

18.                Chronic problems with self-esteem

19.                 Inaccurate self-observation.

20.                Family history of ADHD, manic depressive illness, or depression.

I like the list my husband individualized for himself:

1.   Got into trouble throughout child and teen years as a mouthy smart-aleck.

2.    Had a difficult time paying attention in school.

3.    Impulsive for me began with a capital I.

4.    College transcripts contained more incompletes or with-drawns than passed class with a C or higher.

5.    I don’t want to share the number of risky ventures I got into.

6.    I don’t want to describe them, either.

7.    I was lazy and called lazy.

8.    I wanted to dig a huge hole in the dirt in the backyard and take comfort in it.

9.    I was only organized when the task was really important to me.

10. I often cried as a child.

11.  Mother didn’t like it when I sang for her friends, “ Casey was hit with a bucket of s*** as the band played on.”

12. I didn’t understand why; she was the one who taught me the song.

13. I frequently did not feel accepted by my dad, but I knew dad’s mother loved me.

14. I learned to cook out of necessity, but I did not clean the kitchen well, and neither did mother.

15. I always felt different and alone.

16. I started smoking cigarettes at an early age.

17. When I like to do something like cook or garden, I can focus on it, but I only read one book completely while I was in high school.

My husband found that when he could put a name to some of his consistent behaviors and  uncomfortable memories, he could view ADHD as a framework and sense of perspective.

I believe the insecurity remains along with the tendency to worry and what I see as toxic thinking described by Hallowell and Ratey. The past associated with ADHD is not easily unraveled or put to rest. However , the future holds greater promise due to the teeny steps of improvement I have seen in the past few years.

Verbal Conflict

The arguments do not come between us these days. After this many years, he still thinks he is right, and I know I am.

 However the first year of marriage was a true test of learning to communicate and adjust. The first verbal blowup occurred within the first six weeks and involved his neighborhood friend and buddy, Gary.

After all these years I still have difficulty going over it; Gary was  low life in my estimation. He did not like me, and I certainly did not care for him. I even went as far as telling my husband that Gary would not be a part of our life together after we were married.

I now know that persons with ADHD make potentially dangerous choices in friends. They often associate with younger friends and choose friends with risky behaviors. Let’s just say Gary was a risk on two feet. However, he and Husband had been friends since childhood, and Husband thought Gary was one of the few people who had ever truly liked him.

My husband made the mistake of bringing Gary to our apartment while I was at work. He intentionally brought Gary into my home and personal space.  He thought Gary should see that life was good for my husband.

On a Saturday morning, my husband promised to mow the yard and fold laundry. He woke with the intention to do so, but he looked around our tiny two-bedroom space and felt proud that he had married a professional woman and had begun a home.

So he thought he should feed his feel-good euphoria by bringing over his old buddy. I still think it was work avoidance and losing track of priorities. Professionals tell us it is not a matter of being lazy; it is merely a matter of motivation. I continue to believe it is a form of laziness, which is a learned attitude as a result of my husband’s ADHD.

Household chores were not a priority as he grew. His father never mowed the yard, and his mother did not expect his help with chores.  He simply was accustomed to go where his thought of the moment led him.

 I made the mistake of reacting in anger.  I do not and never will have much use for Gary, and I did not then understand the significance of getting derailed and off-track. I took it as a personal affront.

Wrong. Wrong.

Rather than losing my temper (which always initiates his temper), I should have chosen the time to explain how the invasion of Gary into my world, my apartment, and the time meant to help us hurt me. I should have used “I” words: I felt you chose Gary over my needs. I believe Gary is not a good influence on you for these reasons. I felt disappointed that you were not available to help with household chores.

He likely would have gone on the defensive, but not with as much anger. It likely would have taken several conversations on the topic as he really understood what I was trying to say.

Instead I lashed out a series of “how dare you” comments. Such comments are not good for any marriage, but as a new bride, I had much to learn.

What I should have done was give both of us some space. It would have been better had I not tried to make the problem his instead of mine. He goes on extreme defensive when he thinks he is the problem. Now, keep in mind he often is the problem, or the ADHD can be blamed as the problem. In a verbal dispute, he goes into battle approach, and he attempts to become the bully.

On that day he learned he should not raise his voice to me; he should not consider that because he is the Husband, his word is indisputable. I led him around in a verbal argument that his ADHD way of thinking could not follow. He eventually sat down from exhaustion and fatigue.

 I stood my ground, and years later he compared that strategy to a cobra and mongoose fight. He called me the mongoose, whose thick coat and resistance to the snake’s venom make the mongoose the victor in many battles with cobras.

I should have been wise like a mongoose who often chooses to avoid a battle with a cobra.

In reflection, I don’t think Husband was ready for some adult responsibilities associated with marriage. He wanted the image and conveniences, but he still wanted to get up on a warm summer day and go randomly into a care-free day. From this experience, I learned it is wise to give persons with ADHD time and space to be ADHD.

I recommend ADDitude Magazine

ADDitude Magazine covers numerous articles and helps for the person who is married to ADHD. In a recent article under the Adult ADHD tab, the title Married to ADHD: Relationship Advice for You and Your Spouse caught my eye.

In part, the article highlights Patricia White and her husband, Chris, who learned they would benefit from an ADHD coach as they worked through various issues in their marriage. Patricia was not a person with ADHD, but Chris certainly was.

A quote from the article found online at www.additudemag.com/adhd, says:

“It wasn’t until the couple began working with an ADHD coach that Patricia came to understand why Chris was so clueless. He wasn’t lazy or passive-aggressive. He wasn’t inconsiderate, at least not on purpose. He was just too scattered to pay attention to clocks, socks, and other “little” things. “

I know what Patricia felt and believed. I thought all of those things about my husband plus more over the years.  His behavior affected us all.

In the article Psychosocial functioning of children and spouses of adults with ADHD (Minge, et al., 2003), the authors suggested that psychosocial difficulties can be found in marriages where one partner is a person with ADHD and marital functioning of adults with ADHD can be impaired. Along with that finding, the writers suggested that marriage with an ADHD partner might be more stressing and less satisfying that marriage with a non-ADHD partner.

Attitude magazine offers a wealth of information on being married to ADHD, and if you have not already discovered it, I strongly recommend you read it, or better yet, pay for a yearly subscription.

Clues on our first date

I vividly remember our first date, the first time around. Yes, that means we dated two different periods in our lives. This first date took place on a bitter cold and icy night when the roads in our south-central Kansas town were slick and treacherous.

He was determined we should continue with our arrangement. Of course, I really wanted to go out with him, so I was eager that the weather would not spoil our date. I didn’t know how much courage it had taken him to drive on icy roads, but thinking back on it, I am more impressed that he thought about Plan B.

He actually took the initiative and thought it through.  Since I lived on the route he drove home, he asked if he could pick me up earlier after he got off work at our university library.

He drove carefully and cautiously because that is what he does on icy streets, especially when he feels he is on display of some type.

I met his mother that night, which could actually be an entire other blog. She was as winsome and non-pretentious as he was, and quite funny – just like her son. I waited in the living room with her while he dressed for our date.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

I explained we wanted to see the old Disney Movie Song of the South.

She laughed and told me “he sings through all musicals”, and she laughed again when I said, “Not with me, he won’t.”

She knew her son.

He appropriately wore jeans, a blazer, and boots. His sister told him he looked liked “Little Abner”, and he blushed. Like many individuals with ADHD, he struggled with low self-esteem.

Among the many fun events of the evening, I remember his comment when a rather large individual walked down the theatre aisle, “Isn’t Weight Watchers wonderful?” He had been successful on the program, so he thought he should comment on all people who needed to lose weight.

As to the singing, his mother was correct. Since he did not want to embarrass himself on our first outing, he covered his mouth and muffed it a bit, but he couldn’t help it. When the desire to sing was more than he could control, he shuffled his feet as if dancing. It was charming in a manner of speaking because I was delighted to be with him.

With him being tall, blonde, and looking a bit like a Greek god, I felt honored to be his date, and because we were early Twentysomething, his singing and dancing seemed like he was joking. Sure. Joke.

Over the next 40 years, if I had a nickel for each time this impulsivity embarrassed me in public, I might be fiscally wealthy.

Of course I now know that impulsivity is one of the symptoms of ADHD, and it is one of the central clusters of the disorder, which occur as sources of impairment in major areas of life such as home, work (school), and social settings.

I would agree that a first date is a major social setting. Singing in the theatre and attempting to dance while sitting is a social setting.

Impulsivity is difficult to control, and I have learned not to be responsible for his impulsive comments or behaviors. I have also learned that we should have little cues when he is beginning to point negative attention to himself. Some people just do not understand him as I do. They are not at all tolerant of impulsive comments.

The control mechanism in his brain does not function the same as mine, but I must admit, he can be much more colorful and interesting than many people when it does not.

In the Beginning

My Perspective Following Forty Years Married to ADHD

I once read that Ruth Bell Graham once prayed something like this about her marriage to the famous evangelist, Billy Graham: “God, if you will forgive me for marrying this man, I promise you I will never do it again!”

I think I know that feeling.

 My daughter suggested I blog about my perspective on ADHD. After all I am a professional educator and a student of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Because I have been married to her dad for nearly forty years, she thinks I possibly know a tad about ADHD and about being a spouse.

I study a great deal concerning ADHD, and I do know about being married to the same person for a several decades. The question is, though, how can I share what I have learned without seeming to complain about my beautiful and wonderful friend and partner?

My husband of nearly forty years is an adult with Attention Deficit Disorder.

We met in an English class in a small Quaker college in Kansas, and I was immediately drawn to his blonde hair and quick wit. Many of his funny sayings were highly inappropriate, but nonetheless, his spontaneous comments sent me into fits of laughter on the most unexpected occasions.

I only knew he had a different approach to life with his high level of intelligence, wit, impulsivity, and charm. In those days, we did not know the term Attention Deficit Disorder. Even when I went on to study things such a minimal brain disorder, I did not connect it to my boyfriend-turned-husband.

I knew he did not finish tasks, did not pay bills on time, and was frequently depressed. I knew I felt compelled to intervene and help him feel more positive about himself. After all, his stories were filled with despair over how he felt rejected by peers and much of his family his entire life.

As the years sped by and the children grew, I stopped being so tolerant with his impulsivity and his inability to complete tasks. We had long discussions about finances, and of course, I continued to laugh at his humor. However, the depression and suspicious nature began to wear thin on my nerves.

In my studies, I began to read that the parents of children with ADHD had similar symptoms when they were children. I saw terms such as ADDult, and read the list of possible symptoms, read about medications and behavior therapy, and then many books on the subject of Attention Deficit in Adults. Armed with this knowledge, I marched it straight to him.

I recognized by then that it is best to exercise care when I approached him with new information. Certainly I did not want to add to his self-abasement or low self-esteem. But when I laid all the information before him, he looked at me with almost pain across his face.

“You mean I am not the only one? There is a reason I am the way I am?”

I still cry when I think how that revelation impacted him.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurobiological condition that affects 5-13 % of the general population. It is a condition, a way of being, in which the executive function of the brain works differently than in the more typical individual. People with ADHD often experience problems with relationships, especially in their marriages and emotional relationships.

I want to share what I have learned over the years. It is my goal to help husbands and wives of persons with ADHD see the disorder through the eyes of someone who has successfully remained married to the person and condition.

Join me when I recall what works and does not work in our marriage and see how it can help you are a spouse or parent of a person with ADHD.