In the Beginning

My Perspective Following Forty Years Married to ADHD

I once read that Ruth Bell Graham once prayed something like this about her marriage to the famous evangelist, Billy Graham: “God, if you will forgive me for marrying this man, I promise you I will never do it again!”

I think I know that feeling.

 My daughter suggested I blog about my perspective on ADHD. After all I am a professional educator and a student of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Because I have been married to her dad for nearly forty years, she thinks I possibly know a tad about ADHD and about being a spouse.

I study a great deal concerning ADHD, and I do know about being married to the same person for a several decades. The question is, though, how can I share what I have learned without seeming to complain about my beautiful and wonderful friend and partner?

My husband of nearly forty years is an adult with Attention Deficit Disorder.

We met in an English class in a small Quaker college in Kansas, and I was immediately drawn to his blonde hair and quick wit. Many of his funny sayings were highly inappropriate, but nonetheless, his spontaneous comments sent me into fits of laughter on the most unexpected occasions.

I only knew he had a different approach to life with his high level of intelligence, wit, impulsivity, and charm. In those days, we did not know the term Attention Deficit Disorder. Even when I went on to study things such a minimal brain disorder, I did not connect it to my boyfriend-turned-husband.

I knew he did not finish tasks, did not pay bills on time, and was frequently depressed. I knew I felt compelled to intervene and help him feel more positive about himself. After all, his stories were filled with despair over how he felt rejected by peers and much of his family his entire life.

As the years sped by and the children grew, I stopped being so tolerant with his impulsivity and his inability to complete tasks. We had long discussions about finances, and of course, I continued to laugh at his humor. However, the depression and suspicious nature began to wear thin on my nerves.

In my studies, I began to read that the parents of children with ADHD had similar symptoms when they were children. I saw terms such as ADDult, and read the list of possible symptoms, read about medications and behavior therapy, and then many books on the subject of Attention Deficit in Adults. Armed with this knowledge, I marched it straight to him.

I recognized by then that it is best to exercise care when I approached him with new information. Certainly I did not want to add to his self-abasement or low self-esteem. But when I laid all the information before him, he looked at me with almost pain across his face.

“You mean I am not the only one? There is a reason I am the way I am?”

I still cry when I think how that revelation impacted him.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurobiological condition that affects 5-13 % of the general population. It is a condition, a way of being, in which the executive function of the brain works differently than in the more typical individual. People with ADHD often experience problems with relationships, especially in their marriages and emotional relationships.

I want to share what I have learned over the years. It is my goal to help husbands and wives of persons with ADHD see the disorder through the eyes of someone who has successfully remained married to the person and condition.

Join me when I recall what works and does not work in our marriage and see how it can help you are a spouse or parent of a person with ADHD.