Verbal Conflict

The arguments do not come between us these days. After this many years, he still thinks he is right, and I know I am.

 However the first year of marriage was a true test of learning to communicate and adjust. The first verbal blowup occurred within the first six weeks and involved his neighborhood friend and buddy, Gary.

After all these years I still have difficulty going over it; Gary was  low life in my estimation. He did not like me, and I certainly did not care for him. I even went as far as telling my husband that Gary would not be a part of our life together after we were married.

I now know that persons with ADHD make potentially dangerous choices in friends. They often associate with younger friends and choose friends with risky behaviors. Let’s just say Gary was a risk on two feet. However, he and Husband had been friends since childhood, and Husband thought Gary was one of the few people who had ever truly liked him.

My husband made the mistake of bringing Gary to our apartment while I was at work. He intentionally brought Gary into my home and personal space.  He thought Gary should see that life was good for my husband.

On a Saturday morning, my husband promised to mow the yard and fold laundry. He woke with the intention to do so, but he looked around our tiny two-bedroom space and felt proud that he had married a professional woman and had begun a home.

So he thought he should feed his feel-good euphoria by bringing over his old buddy. I still think it was work avoidance and losing track of priorities. Professionals tell us it is not a matter of being lazy; it is merely a matter of motivation. I continue to believe it is a form of laziness, which is a learned attitude as a result of my husband’s ADHD.

Household chores were not a priority as he grew. His father never mowed the yard, and his mother did not expect his help with chores.  He simply was accustomed to go where his thought of the moment led him.

 I made the mistake of reacting in anger.  I do not and never will have much use for Gary, and I did not then understand the significance of getting derailed and off-track. I took it as a personal affront.

Wrong. Wrong.

Rather than losing my temper (which always initiates his temper), I should have chosen the time to explain how the invasion of Gary into my world, my apartment, and the time meant to help us hurt me. I should have used “I” words: I felt you chose Gary over my needs. I believe Gary is not a good influence on you for these reasons. I felt disappointed that you were not available to help with household chores.

He likely would have gone on the defensive, but not with as much anger. It likely would have taken several conversations on the topic as he really understood what I was trying to say.

Instead I lashed out a series of “how dare you” comments. Such comments are not good for any marriage, but as a new bride, I had much to learn.

What I should have done was give both of us some space. It would have been better had I not tried to make the problem his instead of mine. He goes on extreme defensive when he thinks he is the problem. Now, keep in mind he often is the problem, or the ADHD can be blamed as the problem. In a verbal dispute, he goes into battle approach, and he attempts to become the bully.

On that day he learned he should not raise his voice to me; he should not consider that because he is the Husband, his word is indisputable. I led him around in a verbal argument that his ADHD way of thinking could not follow. He eventually sat down from exhaustion and fatigue.

 I stood my ground, and years later he compared that strategy to a cobra and mongoose fight. He called me the mongoose, whose thick coat and resistance to the snake’s venom make the mongoose the victor in many battles with cobras.

I should have been wise like a mongoose who often chooses to avoid a battle with a cobra.

In reflection, I don’t think Husband was ready for some adult responsibilities associated with marriage. He wanted the image and conveniences, but he still wanted to get up on a warm summer day and go randomly into a care-free day. From this experience, I learned it is wise to give persons with ADHD time and space to be ADHD.