I Should Have Told Them Off

Thinking of how poor self esteem and other uninvited enemies hurt my youngest child in the past, I want to jump up and down and scream. I might even shake my fists.

Poor self esteem is a huge issue for many children with ADHD, especially girls. For one thing, we tend to overlook ADHD symptoms in girls. They don’t cause enough trouble. For another, girls with ADHD often do not realize why they don’t perform or behave like their peers. They express being confused.

Recently I discussed this issue with my own daughter, Anna, who is a woman with ADHD.  Now that she is grown and successful in many areas, she gives me many wise perspectives on what it is like to be ADHD, female, and to live with a low self esteem.

Watch here as Dr. Atha, Brett, and Sierra continue their discussion on ADHD. In this segment, they discuss the effect ADHD can have on a person's self-esteem.

I’ll let her tell her it: “I constantly felt like I was being teased. I mean most people can tell themselves they are awesome in some fashion. I couldn’t.

“It was always ‘You don’t do this right, Anna. You don’t do that.’”

She gave me an example from her 6^th grade year in middle school: “I was wearing my sweatshirt inside out. That was the style that year. I overheard Andrea, who I thought was my friend, telling another girl that she didn’t like what was on her own shirt, and the other girl suggested she turn it inside out.  Andrea replied that she thought it looked dumb to turn it inside out. ‘Anna has her’s inside out,’ said the girl. Andrea said, ‘Anna is a huge dork.’ Of course it added to my hurt feeling and poor self-image.

“I didn’t know that in a few years she was going to be popular because she screwed every guy who asked.”

Anna paused before she said: “I should have told her off right then, but it is difficult for a person to do that because of being so sensitive.”

I knew she was saying that the girl with ADHD will not likely hold up for herself due to her low self esteem and lack of confidence.

“Maybe I was super sensitive. Or do other kids target ADHD classmates more?”

I reminded Anna that she was always an intelligent student who did well with her grades. I know she worked at keeping her focus to the point she totally wiped out emotionally by the end of the day.

“That’s just it. I was not hard to be around. Sure I made silly comments in class, but I wasn’t sent to the principal. Up to my freshman year I was shorter, and when I did gain height, I didn’t want to be taller because I lacked the self-esteem for it.”

As her mother, I recall how often I intervened for Anna, and when I think of those times, I still want to punish others in her defense.  I can only hope some of those so-called school classmates have matured a bit now they are 30 years old. I hope teachers and a principal grew wiser, too.

In high school, Anna’s intellect caused teachers to respond well to her. They asked me what I did to raise her to be such a quality person. She had good relationships with them to the point she called them only by their last names (Hi, Copeland), and they seemed to genuinely like her.

But high school teachers could do little to improve her social acceptance. The pattern had been established long before in the kindergarten class. I monitored the class setting many times because Mrs. McCarty did not like little girls who wiggled and squirmed.

Anna tells me: “Persons without ADHD have the wrong perception of people like me. And people like me experience loads of actual teasing, and because they are sensitive, they are genuinely hurt. In high school I jumped from groups of friends, never having a steady group I called my own.”

I wonder if this is true for many persons with ADHD. I hear it often from young adults and even older adults with ADHD. They often feel friendless. Totally friendless.

“Comments came from a certain set of other students.  I should have told them to f-off. I had the language; I just didn’t have the confidence.

“I didn’t recognize that other high school kids were insecure. I didn’t know they didn’t matter.”

Likely many of us didn’t realize that other high school students didn’t matter, but our emotional intelligence helped us realize that we would eventually move forward without for their acceptance.

I suggest that girls and women with ADHD have a difficult time moving on, and the pains associated with low self esteem continue to eat away at personal confidence

Did He Follow Through with the Chore?

In my most recent blog, I referred to an interview I did with Brett and Sierra on the Brett and Sierra Show. We talked about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

Our next interview two weeks later continued the discussion and how lack of follow-through becomes a topic of conversation and a problem for men with ADHD and their partners.

 

 

McNay & Voth - ADHD and Men

The question: “Did you complete the chore I asked you to do?”

The possible response: A deer-in-the-headlights expression followed with a “Uh, uh.”

Or at our house, the response is immediate defense and even a smoke screen of angry words. I no longer allow that strategy to speak to me, but for partners tired of that line of defense, I encouraged those partners to consider that ADHD is a disorder that calls for clear communication and a focus on the individual’s strengths.

It is not a disease or a disability, although we often treat ADHD in terms of disability.

Possibly it is fear that the final project will not be perfect, or possibly it is truly forgetfulness. Whatever, the man with ADHD does not enjoy facing undone chores or projects.

At times it can be a form of miscommunication such as one Christmas in our household.

One of our stairwell walls, Quince Yellow in color, had a repair that needed painted. 

I had talked about it for weeks, but it had not been done. In my stubbornness, I had determined that my Husband would be the one to fix it.

It finally got down to just a few hours before we hosted HIS family Christmas party. The spot seemed to speak my name each time I saw it.

It said nothing to Hubby.

In desperation I let it be known that I expected him to paint the spot.

He did. Using the grayish-blue color we painted the basement, he slapped a few brush strokes across it.

It was now a focal point that cried out of slovenliness and opposition.

When I later confronted Hubby about my hurt and disappointment, he honestly responded: “But I thought that was good enough for them.”

“It wasn’t for them; it was for me. It reflected on my ability to keep a tidy and lovely home.”

It had not occurred to him that I wanted it for me. I should have said it differently: “Please paint that spot for me. I fear others will think I am a low-class slob.”  The motivation might have been different.

Of course, I probably should have painted it myself.

In Honor of the ADHD Man on Father’s Day

This week offered another delightful opportunity for an interview on the Brett and Sierra Show, and we used it to talk about certain problems men with ADHD often face: completing tasks and meeting deadlines.

As Brett began the discussion, he asked, “How can the man with ADHD get those pesky irritating chores done without distraction or procrastination?”

First of all, the partner or spouse should avoid nagging him. Nagging does not help. Procrastination is problematic, and it is often an issue of time management.  Time management belongs to the area of organization, and mental disorganization is often common among men with ADHD. How we organize is personal, from our own inward way of looking at the issue.

Click to watch Dr. Atha talking with Brett and Sierra about men with ADHD!

The man with ADHD procrastinates because the task or chore does not warrant how he wants to spend his time.  When the motivation is strong enough, he will spend his time on it. I should go ahead and say that many men with ADHD do not procrastinate, especially at their jobs, because their own self image is tied to their careers.

Sierra then asked: “Why can it take longer for the man with ADHD to get into a project, not to mention  getting it even half-way completed?"  As an answer, I suggest that many men with ADHD have it all figured out in their minds how they want the finished project to look or how it should come together.  They have pictured it as a perfectly completed project. As they work on it and find they are not doing it perfectly, they become frustrated.

We can also place the blame on the twins Distractibility and Executive Function Challenges. I recommend that tasks and chores be broken into doable, bite-size portions where they will not seem overwhelming. The chore has to be done in stages anyway, so use that to advantage.  When the man finishes a small task or even one that is larger, he can be spurred onward by the feeling of success.

When interruptions  distract the ADHD man from a task, he can hold on to a physical artifact to remind him of what he was doing.  It will focus his attention more quickly, and help him return to the task. For example, a hammer in hand may remind him that he was working on a broken gate before he got interrupted.

The man with ADHD himself may also ask: “How can the person with ADHD deal with boring tasks or chores?”  It is important to see the significance in the chore such as cleaning the garage or changing oil in the car.  One man links a seemingly insignificant chore with time to listen to his favorite music. His busy work schedule allows little time for his music, but by choosing a couple of chores each week, he schedules a date with his music and headphones, and meets two goals in one setting. The beauty of music is good for the brain, helps lower blood pressure, and provides a super background companion.

Another man might ask: “What make good incentives to begin and complete a task?” The answer to that will be most personal. The tiniest thing can be a huge incentive to complete a sizeable task. “I’ll treat myself to a favorite snack when I get this done, “ one man might say. Another’s wife offered tickets to a baseball game when he completed a much-needed house repair. Of course an incentive can be huge if the task is highly important. One person promised himself a new motor home if he got his tax information to the account before the deadline.  Needless to say, he had been wanting a motor home for several months, so it worked well for him to link it to getting his taxes done. 


For more about men with ADHD or to view this interview, follow the link above or visit our website, coachadhd.com.