Backed Into a Corner

In a phone-bridge conversation the other night, I heard a familiar whiny tone and words I have heard dozens of times.

“ I am tired of her trying to back me into a corner,” said the voice.

It was a young college woman who felt as if her instructor was making unfair expectations of her. I know this young woman is a self-confessed person with ADHD.

The young woman played a verbal blame game for a full three minutes.

I know because I counted them: tick… tick… tick.

That whiny voice and the game of blame grated on the one good nerve left at the end of a long and busy day.

Back me into a corner. Wow! That is one familiar phrase.

I remember when I first heard it. It was about six months into our marriage.  I asked Husband a question, one that I must have thought was innocent enough.

Likely it was one of these:  “How does my hair look? Do I look like I am gaining weight? Do you like this outfit?”

You know the types of questions newly married women like to ask. They are seeking approval, or affirmation, or some sort of social mirror.

The questions are also the ones that make any husband sweat a bit whether he has ADHD or not.

Husband used an angry tone. “I am tired of you trying to back me into a corner.”

Stab. Pain. Ouch! I was taken aback because I had not seen that coming.

Now I can laugh as I realize the answer to any one of those above questions must have been negative. Or, it could be he was off in Me Land thinking about himself, which was and still is his favorite subject, and he merely did not have time to jar himself out of those thoughts to attend to me.

Either way I remember my angry response. “I am not backing you into a corner! Why did you say that?”

Of course, he angrily justified himself.  It was probably one of the coping mechanisms he developed in order to survive. Remember we did not yet know about ADHD and his life-long pattern of pain and constant sense of pressure.

A sense of pressure does it. Examples of other times he has felt “backed into a corner” include:

The soffits on the house were in disrepair for several months.

The second bathroom in our house was not completed.

I made the decision to work on an advanced degree.

Any time he is asked a direct question

I once heard that persons with ADHD often have a three-ring circus going about in their heads.  It is as if they experience the sounds of past and future fears, fear of saying what they really mean, and even trying to figure out what the other person really wants from them.

I am the type of person who shoots straight and wants straight answers and responses.

It does not always make for words and meanings that are the same between us.

The phrase back me into a corner is not on my list of all-time favorites, as readers can likely tell.  It is a defense method when a person knows he or she is wrong, but does not want to accept the responsibility of admitting so.  The person with ADHD must take responsibility for actions and thoughts. In order to help him or her do so, others must offer direct communication.

Returning to the phone-bridge conversation, another member on the line asked our college friend, “How is it that your instructor may be correct?”  (In other words, “How have you been slacking off?”).