Another Communication Blunder

Today I broke a cardinal rule when communicating with my ADHD spouse.

I confused him with my body language.

He had the refrigerator door open to get a snack for Rudy, our new dog. Since Rudy was trying to get outside where we did not want him to be, husband was tense about the situation.

I had my tote in hand intending to go to work. I didn’t tell him I wanted in the refrigerator to get a Diet 7-UP.

The kitchen door was slightly askew as if I was going to open it.

My first mistake was not to explain myself. My second was to take part in this conversation while exhausted from lack of sleep.

We both used loud tones and harsh words.

“What are you trying to do? Get out the door, so this stupid dog does not bolt and run.”

“Stop body-blocking me. I’m trying to get a can of pop. Why didn’t you let me in the refrigerator?”

“You have that tote aimed toward the door. How was I to know you wanted in here?”

“Rudy isn’t going anywhere as long as you have that piece of ham in your hand.”

He and I said other things. Whatever popped into his mind came out his mouth. It was not a pleasant way to begin our day.

At times I think he can be totally unreasonable. Likely he thinks the same about me. I realize I am not as forthcoming as I should be.

Husband saw me with my tote and formed an idea in his mind of what he expected I was trying to do or convey.

He didn’t get the message, and I should have known better. He often jumps to conclusions.

He does not pick up on innuendos, and he doesn’t control irritation well at all.

Just like his mother told me nearly 40 years ago, don’t expect him to catch it. You have to be direct with him, so he knows exactly what you mean.

Possibly I should have said, “Just let me put this tote down and show you how to control your anger.”

That is one innuendo he can read.

Likely it would have made both of us laugh. He would have look down from his 6-foot-three-inches to my 5-foot-two inches and caught the implication.

Ridiculous, huh? Humor he does catch.

Even after all these years, I must remember the effective ways to communicate with him. Social cues or body language may not be best practice. Many people with ADHD do not pick on them, which can cause misunderstanding or even rejection.

It causes him to become confused, which in turn leads to anger. He thinks he is somehow out of it, or that he has done something wrong.

The only one who scored during this conversation was Rudy, who kept getting tidbits of treats. Husband was distracted, and the dog was smart enough to take advantage of it.